Today is the first day of the cleanse! I am not yet hiding under my desk, scarfing candy bars and drinking pots of coffee! SUCCESS.
I started the day out with a mug of hot water and lemon juice. Richie brewed coffee for himself and I had a pang of craving for it when I caught the scent, but it wasn't terrible.
I made my juice this morning, which was kind of a pain in the ass, because I had to bring the juicer in my bedroom, so as to not wake Matt. I could have made this ahead of time, but I heard that the effectiveness/health benefits of carrot juice wear off as the juice becomes less fresh. The juice itself was very good, though a little spicy, even for my ginger-loving palate. If I do this juice again, and I probably will, I'll want to use a little less ginger (maybe a half inch piece), and prep the grapefruit the night before (or do a bunch at once and refrigerate it).
When I got to work, I was feeling a little slow. I didn't get enough sleep last night, because I stayed up late reading an article on Virginia Woolf and lexicography. Between that and no coffee, getting back into the swing of work is a little difficult today. I'm drinking a lot of water, but not really noticing any increased energy.
***
I had my juice at 8am, and when I wasn't hungry by 10am, I was feeling pretty proud of myself. Then I got up to walk around some and expending just that small amount of energy (and probably thinking about not being hungry) made me a bit hungry. I held off until 10:45, then had some mint pea hummus with some carrots. That helped a little. Right now, at 11:45, I'm starting to get some hunger growls. I want to hold off until 12:30 to eat lunch, which I think is doable.
One of the biggest red flags I'm noticing right now is how much I want to snack. I started getting those cravings right around the time I ate the hummus. I thought that would help, but this really drives home for me how bad my snacking problem at work is. I don't want anything in particular, I just want to eat something. Definitely something to be aware of.
***
I had lunch at 12:30, and it was surprisingly filling. In fact, I almost didn't finish it, because my jaw got tired of chewing all those julienned radish pieces. It was good, though next time I think I'll add more cranberries. It's 3:10 right now, and I actually did have a little spurt of energy! Not sure if that's to be attributed to the veggies or sheer adrenaline. I am still feeling really exhausted, as though I need a nap, and I'm starting to get a headache. Nothing awful, just that mild sort of ache behind the eyes that comes from a lack of sleep (and probably a lack of caffeine as well). Feeling mildly hungry, but it's hardly a blip on the radar.
***
Afternoon brought declines in mood and energy. My pea hummus had turned a bit bitter (note to self: less lemon juice next time). By 5, I felt really worn out, but I forced myself to go to the grocery store to get some kale and butternut squash. Whole Foods didn't have butternut squash, so I went to Rouses (who had ONE. WHERE IS THE WINTER SQUASH?). By the time I left, I was feeling disoriented, annoyed, and sleepy. I came home and got on the scale to see I've lost 3 pounds since yesterday. I know all of this is water weight and I'll probably have some of it back by tomorrow morning, but it was still nice to see some de-bloating. Cooking the butternut squash/sweet potato/apple soup right now. I noticed myself getting a little down earlier, feeling grumpy about my diet food dinner. I actually started fantasizing about pizza and breadstick and had to turn off a Little Caesar's commercial on the radio (despite not ever desiring their pizza otherwise). I reminded myself that this soup is something I'd make any night of the week and totally enjoy it. I think it's getting to me that I haven't felt FULL all day, but I need to teach myself/re-learn that full doesn't need to be "stuffed." I also need to change the amount of food I need to make myself feel full.
***
Soup notes: Next time, roast all vegetables before adding to soup. Needs a fair amount of pepper, no cinnamon (too sweet). Fuji apples are too sweet. Do not attempt to finish the soup with sherry vinegar. Needs less water or a longer cooking time. Overall, not awful, but could have been better. Would be good with tahini added in.
I feel better than I did even an hour ago (when I did the above bit). I'm still tired and I'll probably go to bed earlier than I normally would, but I'm in a better mood. I notice I don't feel like doing anything else tonight, including prepping tomorrow's food (which I may just do in the morning). I think I'm going to go shower and treat myself to a little mini-spa (i.e., I'm going to give myself a mani/pedi and slap on my Queen Helene Mint Julep face mask.)
I probably won't go into this great of detail every single day (I'm boring myself at this point!), but I wanted to track how I felt today, so I can mark any progress or decline. (I just had to google "word meaning a loss of progress." How do people function on so few calories regularly? I feel vapid!)
Showing posts with label weight matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight matters. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
pre
I just had my last piece of king cake for a month. The past couple of days have been whiskey, vodka, gumbo, king cake, coffee spiked with praline liquor. It was all delicious, but I feel pretty bloated now and I'm pretty ready to start my cleanse.
Tomorrow's meals: Breakfast: Grapefruit, carrot, and ginger juice
2 grapefruits
5 carrots
1 in. ginger
Snack (morning and afternoon): Minty pea hummus (with raw carrots)
3/4 cup frozen peas
1/8 cup mint leaves
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 clove garlic
1 tbsp. olive oil
Salt and pepper
Lunch: Fall Salad
3/4 cup escarole
1 tbsp. parsley leaves
1 baby carrot, julienned
1 radish, julienned
5 cranberries
2 tsp. hemp seeds
2 tsp. sesame seeds
2 tsp. pepitas
1 tsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. apple cider
Salt and pepper
Dried thyme
Snack: Minty pea hummus
Dinner: Butternut and Apple Soup (1 1/2 cup)
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 in. fresh ginger, grated
1/2 teaspoons turmeric
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon cardamom
Dash ground cloves
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1 tart apple, peeled, quartered, and chopped
4 cups chopped butternut squash
Salt and pepper
Tomorrow's meals: Breakfast: Grapefruit, carrot, and ginger juice
2 grapefruits
5 carrots
1 in. ginger
Snack (morning and afternoon): Minty pea hummus (with raw carrots)
3/4 cup frozen peas
1/8 cup mint leaves
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 clove garlic
1 tbsp. olive oil
Salt and pepper
Lunch: Fall Salad
3/4 cup escarole
1 tbsp. parsley leaves
1 baby carrot, julienned
1 radish, julienned
5 cranberries
2 tsp. hemp seeds
2 tsp. sesame seeds
2 tsp. pepitas
1 tsp. olive oil
1/4 tsp. apple cider
Salt and pepper
Dried thyme
Snack: Minty pea hummus
Dinner: Butternut and Apple Soup (1 1/2 cup)
2 tbsp. olive oil
1 onion, diced
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 in. fresh ginger, grated
1/2 teaspoons turmeric
1/8 teaspoon cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon cardamom
Dash ground cloves
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1 tart apple, peeled, quartered, and chopped
4 cups chopped butternut squash
Salt and pepper
Friday, December 28, 2012
feed your head
Awhile back, I mentioned that I'd been trying to write a post, but was having trouble with it. The problem with writing that post was that I was trying to address two loaded topics and I wasn't sure how to write about either one. I tried to work on that post a few times and it turned into a muddled mess, so I took a break from it and here for awhile. I couldn't really write here until I got past that post and I needed to figure out how.
The two issues I was trying to address in that post were the presence I want to have online and my ongoing issues with eating/dieting/exercise. The two are intertwined, because the way I talk about the latter influences the former.
For a long time, I've walked a fine line between being very open about my history of disordered eating and being very uncomfortable talking about my present diet and weight. This is largely because people tend to react in one or more of the following ways: 1) discouraging me from dieting because they're worried about me binging/purging (and saying things like "You aren't even fat!"), 2) acting as though I couldn't possibly know anything about healthy dieting because I have a history of disordered eating, 3) telling me that their way is the only way that works, even when I suggest that this wouldn't work for me because of other issues, 4) re-routing the conversation to tell me how fat they are, even though they are skinnier than I am, thus making me really feel like shit.
I've gotten to the point where there are certain people in my life (most of them) that I refuse to talk about this with because, despite their good intentions, they make me feel awful about myself. This refusal is a personal one--in most cases, I haven't explicitly told anyone that these topics are off-limits because I don't want to argue about it. I just shut down. Part of that shutting down is not blogging about these things, because I don't want concerned messages or advice that I am very sure will not work for me or a subtle undermining of anything I propose, as though I lack the intelligence to thoughtfully investigate what I will and won't do to my body.
If this sounds cold or...removed, that's the point. That other entry got to the point where I was so angry and upset, that I could no longer rationally talk about the subject. That's not a place I want to be in, especially in a blog I created in part to help me be a better person.
When I started this blog, I was in the midst of a massive upheaval of my life. Ravi and I were moving toward our planned breakup, I was moving to a new city, I was starting graduate school, and my best friend, my non-blood sister, was moving a thousand miles away. Swirled in with that, I felt directionless, lacking in purpose, in a place where I was coming to realize life wasn't going to play out as I had envisioned it and still coming to terms with being okay with that. This blog has always had a small audience, but it started out as a deeply personal space where I could anchor my thoughts, write down my goals, track my own mental progress. The name of the blog comes from this quote from Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury:
When the shadow of the sash appeared on the curtains it was between seven and eight o' clock and then I was in time again, hearing the watch. It was Grandfather's and when Father gave it to me he said I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it's rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father's. I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
I like the idea that hope and desire are the the reducto absurdum of the human experience. I like the idea of living in Faulkner's idea of the absurd, though Jason Compson would certainly think me a fool (and I think him a cynic). At the same time, those hopes and desires were fragmented and the blog reflected that, especially in the earliest posts. It was, and remains, an attempt at quantifying, shaping, and discussing my hopes and desires. I used it to give me some of my feelings of self-worth back, to hold me accountable to my goals, to try and articulate what it might be that I wanted from my life, even if that was a goal as small as flying a kite.
But, as willing as I have been to write about some topics (sometimes artlessly or thoughtlessly, as some paramours might attest), weight has been an iffy one for me. Out of the 246 posts on this blog, 16 talk about weight, and only about 10 do so with any real thought going into the subject. Those are the posts that get the most page views and the most comments, on and off the blog itself, which just makes me more uncomfortable. I really want to be able to talk about my weight, my health, what I'm doing, with the same freeness that I discuss my other goals and pitfalls, but I haven't because I don't want to deal with the aforementioned issues. I don't want to be shamed, and very often that's the emotion that comes out when talking about this stuff. Let me be clear--I have enough self-shame to last a lifetime. It is my daily struggle not to shame myself about my body. Feeling as though I'm unable to write about these struggles in my blog is its own kind of shame, a sort of projected shame.
After AWP, I thought hard about going "public" with the blog in a way that it's not currently. I even registered a domain name and I looked into registering with places like BlogHer and running ads and things of that nature. But, I felt in doing that, I would need to delete some of the more personal entries here, make the whole blog more public-friendly. In doing so, I felt I would need to censor myself in a way I wasn't ready to do, and give up the kind of scrapbook-y format that I enjoy about this blog (bits of poems, random conversations, occasional photos, etc.). I also knew I still wasn't ready to talk about some issues in a more public forum, and that includes weight. I'm still not. I don't want to give the idea that I'm working up to some great climax, wherein I overcome this barrier, then go wide open with the blog. Instead, I just want to build on what this blog always has been. But, I'm asking that you, my very small readership, allow me to do this in a way that is comfortable for me. I ask that you not send me concerned messages or dieting advice or really even bring up the topic. In time, I may get to the point where I want to talk about these things with some people, but right now, for the most part, I don't. I just want to be able to write about them in my blog, for myself (and maybe for you too, if you find it helpful or a cautionary tale)
All that said, I've decided to do a cleanse. Not an all juice thing or drinking cayenne-laced maple syrup, but something involving real food. It's called the Whole Living Action Plan, and it can be found here. I'm starting it on January 1, not as a New Year's resolution, but just because I know I'll be drinking on NYE and this is the most convenient time for me to begin. I'm actually very excited. I want to know how my body feels when I cut out sugar, dairy, gluten, alcohol, and meat. It's about weight loss, but it's also about re-evaluating my relationship to what I eat, which has become, over the past 6 months especially, very unhealthy. I've gotten back to a point where I'm not happy with my body and it's not happy with me. I ache, my head hurts, I feel sluggish, and my clothes fit badly.
I want to keep a journal of the cleanse here. I want to write every day about how I feel, what I ate, what I did. I want to do this because at the moment, I prefer writing here to writing in a food diary. It's easier to reference, to compare, and to do (since I'm usually online at some point during the day anyway). This is something I need to do for myself, both the cleanse and the writing about it, and for the same reasons--to prove to myself that I can. Eventually, I will (I hope) be okay with talking about these things outside the very small group I have discussed it with. That is my goal right now: To lose weight and be healthy and to be okay with talking about those things. Both are a process, and I really would like to go about both at my own pace.
If you've read this far, thank you. I hope I haven't alienated you or bored you (a futile hope), and I hope you know I appreciate all of you.
The two issues I was trying to address in that post were the presence I want to have online and my ongoing issues with eating/dieting/exercise. The two are intertwined, because the way I talk about the latter influences the former.
For a long time, I've walked a fine line between being very open about my history of disordered eating and being very uncomfortable talking about my present diet and weight. This is largely because people tend to react in one or more of the following ways: 1) discouraging me from dieting because they're worried about me binging/purging (and saying things like "You aren't even fat!"), 2) acting as though I couldn't possibly know anything about healthy dieting because I have a history of disordered eating, 3) telling me that their way is the only way that works, even when I suggest that this wouldn't work for me because of other issues, 4) re-routing the conversation to tell me how fat they are, even though they are skinnier than I am, thus making me really feel like shit.
I've gotten to the point where there are certain people in my life (most of them) that I refuse to talk about this with because, despite their good intentions, they make me feel awful about myself. This refusal is a personal one--in most cases, I haven't explicitly told anyone that these topics are off-limits because I don't want to argue about it. I just shut down. Part of that shutting down is not blogging about these things, because I don't want concerned messages or advice that I am very sure will not work for me or a subtle undermining of anything I propose, as though I lack the intelligence to thoughtfully investigate what I will and won't do to my body.
If this sounds cold or...removed, that's the point. That other entry got to the point where I was so angry and upset, that I could no longer rationally talk about the subject. That's not a place I want to be in, especially in a blog I created in part to help me be a better person.
When I started this blog, I was in the midst of a massive upheaval of my life. Ravi and I were moving toward our planned breakup, I was moving to a new city, I was starting graduate school, and my best friend, my non-blood sister, was moving a thousand miles away. Swirled in with that, I felt directionless, lacking in purpose, in a place where I was coming to realize life wasn't going to play out as I had envisioned it and still coming to terms with being okay with that. This blog has always had a small audience, but it started out as a deeply personal space where I could anchor my thoughts, write down my goals, track my own mental progress. The name of the blog comes from this quote from Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury:
When the shadow of the sash appeared on the curtains it was between seven and eight o' clock and then I was in time again, hearing the watch. It was Grandfather's and when Father gave it to me he said I give you the mausoleum of all hope and desire; it's rather excruciating-ly apt that you will use it to gain the reducto absurdum of all human experience which can fit your individual needs no better than it fitted his or his father's. I give it to you not that you may remember time, but that you might forget it now and then for a moment and not spend all your breath trying to conquer it. Because no battle is ever won he said. They are not even fought. The field only reveals to man his own folly and despair, and victory is an illusion of philosophers and fools.
I like the idea that hope and desire are the the reducto absurdum of the human experience. I like the idea of living in Faulkner's idea of the absurd, though Jason Compson would certainly think me a fool (and I think him a cynic). At the same time, those hopes and desires were fragmented and the blog reflected that, especially in the earliest posts. It was, and remains, an attempt at quantifying, shaping, and discussing my hopes and desires. I used it to give me some of my feelings of self-worth back, to hold me accountable to my goals, to try and articulate what it might be that I wanted from my life, even if that was a goal as small as flying a kite.
But, as willing as I have been to write about some topics (sometimes artlessly or thoughtlessly, as some paramours might attest), weight has been an iffy one for me. Out of the 246 posts on this blog, 16 talk about weight, and only about 10 do so with any real thought going into the subject. Those are the posts that get the most page views and the most comments, on and off the blog itself, which just makes me more uncomfortable. I really want to be able to talk about my weight, my health, what I'm doing, with the same freeness that I discuss my other goals and pitfalls, but I haven't because I don't want to deal with the aforementioned issues. I don't want to be shamed, and very often that's the emotion that comes out when talking about this stuff. Let me be clear--I have enough self-shame to last a lifetime. It is my daily struggle not to shame myself about my body. Feeling as though I'm unable to write about these struggles in my blog is its own kind of shame, a sort of projected shame.
After AWP, I thought hard about going "public" with the blog in a way that it's not currently. I even registered a domain name and I looked into registering with places like BlogHer and running ads and things of that nature. But, I felt in doing that, I would need to delete some of the more personal entries here, make the whole blog more public-friendly. In doing so, I felt I would need to censor myself in a way I wasn't ready to do, and give up the kind of scrapbook-y format that I enjoy about this blog (bits of poems, random conversations, occasional photos, etc.). I also knew I still wasn't ready to talk about some issues in a more public forum, and that includes weight. I'm still not. I don't want to give the idea that I'm working up to some great climax, wherein I overcome this barrier, then go wide open with the blog. Instead, I just want to build on what this blog always has been. But, I'm asking that you, my very small readership, allow me to do this in a way that is comfortable for me. I ask that you not send me concerned messages or dieting advice or really even bring up the topic. In time, I may get to the point where I want to talk about these things with some people, but right now, for the most part, I don't. I just want to be able to write about them in my blog, for myself (and maybe for you too, if you find it helpful or a cautionary tale)
All that said, I've decided to do a cleanse. Not an all juice thing or drinking cayenne-laced maple syrup, but something involving real food. It's called the Whole Living Action Plan, and it can be found here. I'm starting it on January 1, not as a New Year's resolution, but just because I know I'll be drinking on NYE and this is the most convenient time for me to begin. I'm actually very excited. I want to know how my body feels when I cut out sugar, dairy, gluten, alcohol, and meat. It's about weight loss, but it's also about re-evaluating my relationship to what I eat, which has become, over the past 6 months especially, very unhealthy. I've gotten back to a point where I'm not happy with my body and it's not happy with me. I ache, my head hurts, I feel sluggish, and my clothes fit badly.
I want to keep a journal of the cleanse here. I want to write every day about how I feel, what I ate, what I did. I want to do this because at the moment, I prefer writing here to writing in a food diary. It's easier to reference, to compare, and to do (since I'm usually online at some point during the day anyway). This is something I need to do for myself, both the cleanse and the writing about it, and for the same reasons--to prove to myself that I can. Eventually, I will (I hope) be okay with talking about these things outside the very small group I have discussed it with. That is my goal right now: To lose weight and be healthy and to be okay with talking about those things. Both are a process, and I really would like to go about both at my own pace.
If you've read this far, thank you. I hope I haven't alienated you or bored you (a futile hope), and I hope you know I appreciate all of you.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
dialogue
Me: just kind of having a generally bad day, body image wise
I threw up my lunch
Steven: Why, is no good
Me: just feeling gross
I just feel really fucking unattractive sometimes
and then my friends are all "oh you're beautiful!"
but then...they make fat jokes about people. or ___ will comment about how skinny his girlfriend used to be and how she's fat now, and ugly
and things people say about other women stick in my head
like when you said E had put on weight when you guys were dating and you weren't attracted to her
dudes make those kind of offhand comments all the time. so do women.
and that shit sticks in my head and every time I feel self-conscious about my weight, that's what comes to the forefront so even when people are like 'no, you look great!" it sounds hollow.
Steven: Not everyone is attracted to the same things. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. Tree only person who does is the palm you're with
Me: no, that's not quite true. the only person it should matter to should be me.
Steven: Not trying to imply you were
Me: but that's not really how it works in practice
Steven: That's too Sunday morning special for me
Me: it bothers me that those kind of offhand comments get to me like they do
at the same time, it bothers me that they're made.
that I make them myself.
I threw up my lunch
Steven: Why, is no good
Me: just feeling gross
I just feel really fucking unattractive sometimes
and then my friends are all "oh you're beautiful!"
but then...they make fat jokes about people. or ___ will comment about how skinny his girlfriend used to be and how she's fat now, and ugly
and things people say about other women stick in my head
like when you said E had put on weight when you guys were dating and you weren't attracted to her
dudes make those kind of offhand comments all the time. so do women.
and that shit sticks in my head and every time I feel self-conscious about my weight, that's what comes to the forefront so even when people are like 'no, you look great!" it sounds hollow.
Steven: Not everyone is attracted to the same things. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. Tree only person who does is the palm you're with
Me: no, that's not quite true. the only person it should matter to should be me.
Steven: Not trying to imply you were
Me: but that's not really how it works in practice
Steven: That's too Sunday morning special for me
Me: it bothers me that those kind of offhand comments get to me like they do
at the same time, it bothers me that they're made.
that I make them myself.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
nourishment
I'm so grateful that Ravi and I had the breakup that we did and that he's still in my life and willing to listen to me lose my fucking mind and be kind to me about it.
Me: I learned something about myself today!
not a good something
Ravi: ?
Me: I think I have a problem of getting incredibly attached to people in part a a way of not having to deal with my own life
Richie and I got in a rather big fight last night (it's too much to explain really but he broke plans with me to go drinking with his coworkers)
and he said to me "you're NOT the center of my life" and I said "I don't want to be" but I think I have a problem with making my loved ones, friends and boyfriends, as a kind of main focus because it distracts me from how stressed and worried I am about my own life
I started crying in the middle of it about not having any idea what was going to happen if I didn't get into a doctoral program or even what would happen if I DID and he was like "wait, where did this come from"
I think that's why I had such an existential crisis when you and I broke up. not just because the break up itself but because I had to deal with that stuff head on
Ravi: makes sense
Me: still really fucking depressed 
I don't know how to have a...casual relationship.
I know how to have a sex only thing. and I know how to have super serious "we're living together" relationship
I'm not good at regular dating. 
I also think I'm a difficult person to date
Ravi: I'm not good at dating in general ;)
i wouldn't say you're difficult to date
Me: no?
Ravi: I mean, you have your moments. everyone does
but in general no
Me: thanks 
I just feel like I'm a total emotional wreck
I've also been throwing up my food again 
I think I'm going to try and see a counselor
Ravi: on purpose?
Me: yes
Ravi: :/
yea, you probably should
Me: I know
I just....it's just a fucked up way of enacting control on my life, you know?
and also just because I've felt so ugly and awful lately
Ravi: you aren't ugly!
Me: thanks
I just feel like it lately
this is what happens when I get stressed/depressed
I eat like shit, then I start feeling super fat and ugly
then I start vomiting up my food
Ravi: you are beautiful
Me: thank you
AND NOW I'M CRYING
ahahaha
srsly
Ravi: freak :)
Me: I learned something about myself today!
not a good something
Ravi: ?
Me: I think I have a problem of getting incredibly attached to people in part a a way of not having to deal with my own life
Richie and I got in a rather big fight last night (it's too much to explain really but he broke plans with me to go drinking with his coworkers)
and he said to me "you're NOT the center of my life" and I said "I don't want to be" but I think I have a problem with making my loved ones, friends and boyfriends, as a kind of main focus because it distracts me from how stressed and worried I am about my own life
I started crying in the middle of it about not having any idea what was going to happen if I didn't get into a doctoral program or even what would happen if I DID and he was like "wait, where did this come from"
I think that's why I had such an existential crisis when you and I broke up. not just because the break up itself but because I had to deal with that stuff head on
Ravi: makes sense
Me: still really fucking depressed 
I don't know how to have a...casual relationship.
I know how to have a sex only thing. and I know how to have super serious "we're living together" relationship
I'm not good at regular dating. 
I also think I'm a difficult person to date
Ravi: I'm not good at dating in general ;)
i wouldn't say you're difficult to date
Me: no?
Ravi: I mean, you have your moments. everyone does
but in general no
Me: thanks 
I just feel like I'm a total emotional wreck
I've also been throwing up my food again 
I think I'm going to try and see a counselor
Ravi: on purpose?
Me: yes
Ravi: :/
yea, you probably should
Me: I know
I just....it's just a fucked up way of enacting control on my life, you know?
and also just because I've felt so ugly and awful lately
Ravi: you aren't ugly!
Me: thanks
I just feel like it lately
this is what happens when I get stressed/depressed
I eat like shit, then I start feeling super fat and ugly
then I start vomiting up my food
Ravi: you are beautiful
Me: thank you
AND NOW I'M CRYING
ahahaha
srsly
Ravi: freak :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
why don't you sit right down and make me smile
Lately I feel like my life is this constant cycle of getting really fucking stressed out, having a few brief moments of clarity, then sinking back under. Or, for a more-than-cliched metaphor, I feel like I keep breaking the water and sinking back under.
In this past week, my radiator has gone out twice. I've been reduced to carrying gallons of water and a roll of paper towels in my car. It is chugging along with water and prayer. I'm thinking the radiator will need to be replaced next week, which means getting it to Baton Rouge.
My mom has had the first round of injections in her back for pain management of her arthritis and a slipped disc that is causing some nerve damage.
The family dog has cancer. A surgery was performed last week to remove a tumor but biopsy results have come back and shown that they didn't get all of it, so they have to go deeper. The dog is 2. My parents are devastated.
Um, I gained like 4 or 5 pounds. Not a big deal in the scheme of things but I'm already stressed so, you know.
A very dear friend is having some heart problems, right on the heels of her mother having a health scare. My childhood best friend's father (who was like a second father to me) is having to undergo a heart cath after having had quad bypass 4 years ago.
I have a sinus infection.
I have been having a pretty bad bout of stress-induced insomnia and have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night.
GRE+ school shit. ugh.
But.
None of this scary shit is happening to me. To people I love, yes. But I can be there for them. Fall is coming up and with it: my birthday, Voodoo Fest, Halloween, the holidays, NYE in Oklahoma to see Flaming Lips, Alyson's wedding, the Angola rodeo, cooler (hopefully) weather. I went on a couple of dates with a real sweet dude, someone Alyson described as "one of the nicest people I've met in awhile." I have a fantastic support network. I did some freelance work and it became a bit of a big deal. I saw Ani Fucking Difranco at Target.
so, life ain't all bad. But I'd still take some calmer waters.
In this past week, my radiator has gone out twice. I've been reduced to carrying gallons of water and a roll of paper towels in my car. It is chugging along with water and prayer. I'm thinking the radiator will need to be replaced next week, which means getting it to Baton Rouge.
My mom has had the first round of injections in her back for pain management of her arthritis and a slipped disc that is causing some nerve damage.
The family dog has cancer. A surgery was performed last week to remove a tumor but biopsy results have come back and shown that they didn't get all of it, so they have to go deeper. The dog is 2. My parents are devastated.
Um, I gained like 4 or 5 pounds. Not a big deal in the scheme of things but I'm already stressed so, you know.
A very dear friend is having some heart problems, right on the heels of her mother having a health scare. My childhood best friend's father (who was like a second father to me) is having to undergo a heart cath after having had quad bypass 4 years ago.
I have a sinus infection.
I have been having a pretty bad bout of stress-induced insomnia and have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night.
GRE+ school shit. ugh.
But.
None of this scary shit is happening to me. To people I love, yes. But I can be there for them. Fall is coming up and with it: my birthday, Voodoo Fest, Halloween, the holidays, NYE in Oklahoma to see Flaming Lips, Alyson's wedding, the Angola rodeo, cooler (hopefully) weather. I went on a couple of dates with a real sweet dude, someone Alyson described as "one of the nicest people I've met in awhile." I have a fantastic support network. I did some freelance work and it became a bit of a big deal. I saw Ani Fucking Difranco at Target.
so, life ain't all bad. But I'd still take some calmer waters.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Monday, June 6, 2011
oh fuck you, workout.
58 minutes ago
Me: going to give Insanity another try
and probably want to kill myself
Steve: right on
just pace yourself
and remember it is supposed to kick your ass
Me: that helps
seriously
because otherwise, I'll be like "I"M WEAK"
53 minutes ago
Me: okay
going now
wish me luck
Steve: cluck
45 minutes ago (The Warmup)
Me: oh noes
I just tried planking and my whole body was trembling
I am so fucked
Steve: umm
what was planking
Me: the pushups
Steve: oh
girls have problems with those
Me: ok fit test time
Steve: are you doing the fit test?
yeah remember that this is a "before" test
just do what you can do
14 minutes ago
Me:oh my god
Steve: are you ripped now
Me: I made it 1/3 of the way through the fit test
and I must ask you, why do you hate me?
that is satan's workout
Steve: haha
slow it down
Me: I finished the knee lifts and I was reduced to trembling
I realized I was going to throw up, so I stumbled to the bathroom and did
then I came back, vainly hoping to try and do some more of the video
and I realized I was either going to puke or pee myself and really, I wasn't sure which
Steve: thats hilarious
Me: so I sat in the shower, trying to unhook my sports bra and shaking
and turned the cold water on full blast
and sat in there throwing up
I'm still shaking and I feel sort of euphoric
my legs are kind of numb
Steve: the only thing i can recommend is to repeat each day until you learn to pace better and build up some cardio
the workout i did today was the same one i had to do 4 times in a row
but now i can get through the whole thing because i know how to pace it better
Me: I'm going to keep doing the fit test til I can finish it
then try the first workout
I WAS going slow
Steve: if you can only do 3 of something, you can only do 3
Me: by the end of the switch kicks, I was having to stop
Steve: how many did you do?
Me: I did 67 switch kicks (probably too many), 31 squats and 53 knee lifts
Steve: fuck
there's your problem
i did 55
22 squats
50 knee lifts
Me: so what you're saying
is I was doing better than you until I lost all control of my bodily functions and almost pissed myself
Steve: yes
precisely
Me: going to give Insanity another try
and probably want to kill myself
Steve: right on
just pace yourself
and remember it is supposed to kick your ass
Me: that helps
seriously
because otherwise, I'll be like "I"M WEAK"
53 minutes ago
Me: okay
going now
wish me luck
Steve: cluck
45 minutes ago (The Warmup)
Me: oh noes
I just tried planking and my whole body was trembling
I am so fucked
Steve: umm
what was planking
Me: the pushups
Steve: oh
girls have problems with those
Me: ok fit test time
Steve: are you doing the fit test?
yeah remember that this is a "before" test
just do what you can do
14 minutes ago
Me:oh my god
Steve: are you ripped now
Me: I made it 1/3 of the way through the fit test
and I must ask you, why do you hate me?
that is satan's workout
Steve: haha
slow it down
Me: I finished the knee lifts and I was reduced to trembling
I realized I was going to throw up, so I stumbled to the bathroom and did
then I came back, vainly hoping to try and do some more of the video
and I realized I was either going to puke or pee myself and really, I wasn't sure which
Steve: thats hilarious
Me: so I sat in the shower, trying to unhook my sports bra and shaking
and turned the cold water on full blast
and sat in there throwing up
I'm still shaking and I feel sort of euphoric
my legs are kind of numb
Steve: the only thing i can recommend is to repeat each day until you learn to pace better and build up some cardio
the workout i did today was the same one i had to do 4 times in a row
but now i can get through the whole thing because i know how to pace it better
Me: I'm going to keep doing the fit test til I can finish it
then try the first workout
I WAS going slow
Steve: if you can only do 3 of something, you can only do 3
Me: by the end of the switch kicks, I was having to stop
Steve: how many did you do?
Me: I did 67 switch kicks (probably too many), 31 squats and 53 knee lifts
Steve: fuck
there's your problem
i did 55
22 squats
50 knee lifts
Me: so what you're saying
is I was doing better than you until I lost all control of my bodily functions and almost pissed myself
Steve: yes
precisely
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Food Diary
I'm going to keep this post to document my foods that I've eaten this month to try and convince myself to eat healthier. This isn't a shame thing (I might actually manually change the date on this so you guys don't have to read it), but just an easy means of keeping track of my day to day so I can monitor myself better.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
shame
This was me for a very long time. It's still something I deal with from time to time but I'm luck that, with love and therapy, I am so much happier with myself and my body. I hope that person is able to find some sense of self worth that enables them to feel loved at any size.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"we've got to break it before it breaks us"
I've been spending a lot of time in the shower lately. Ever since finals week, I've been taking lengthy hot showers that usually involve me sitting on the floor of the tub for a period of time while water streams over my face and shoulders. The other night, I laid on my back with my hands over my face (so I could breathe) and pretended I was in a warm rain shower. The shower is my combo being-at-peace-with-my-body time and my think-about-nothing time.
Life has been okay 'round here. I started my second semester of grad school and, so far, things are going well. I've been making a concerted effort to do my homework in small bits so that I don't become overloaded and rushed. My Medieval NOLA class seems like it will be very easy--a handout here and there, no textbook and lots of information about New Orleans-based medieval musicians, architecture, rare manuscripts, etc. Alyson is also taking the class with me, which will probably make it a lot more fun.
Justice, Law and Public Policy might be a little more trying. I'm curious to see how I'll end up acting in this class. Last semester, I rarely spoke in class, mostly out of hesitation to get in some involved argument with people whose minds were obviously not going to be changed by anything I had to say. B is taking this class too, and I wish Alyson was also taking it so we could have our Tuesday night trifecta, but she's busy with thesis work. The class involves discussion on topics like abortion (our next class), affirmative action, the death penalty, etc. I get the idea that much of the class isn't so liberal minded as I am, so I'm not especially looking forward to these discussions, but the argumentative part of me sort of relishes it.
I'm mostly excited about my independent study. I wasn't sure how it would be structured, but for our first class, the other student and I just spent an hour discussion Foucault and batting around various ideas and theories. This class involves a fair amount of dense reading (next class is Derrida "That Dangerous Supplement" and Book 3 of Rousseau's Confessions) but it's rewarding in the sense that we're really getting into what we read (as opposed to a glossed over lecture that hits the high points) in our discussions. After the first class, I walked into the library to visit with Alyson and she was visibly surprised at my good mood. She told me I looked happy.
I guess I have been in a fairly shitty mood for awhile, as is probably obvious by the past blog posts here. I actually looked into seeing a counselor but I don't think it would fit into my schedule (oh, irony.) I need to figure out something to do about my anxiety, but I don't want to be on medication for it because a) that sucks and b) I think a lot of it stems from depression, for which talk therapy has always been very helpful. Part of me kind of hopes it'll just pass and I'm trying to do "positive things" (oh, that sounds so cheesy) to keep my spirits up and my sanity intact.
One of those things is being really careful about what I eat. I have to remember that depression is also symptomatic of the PCOS and is not helped by eating a bunch of crap. I've been doing a lot more cooking at home lately, getting back into a cooking routine that I was accustomed to when I lived in BR. I spent a big part of the weekend on food: buying good foods (chard, kale, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, carrots, apples, persimmons, fresh peanut butter, honey), making a big batch of granola for breakfasts, cooking a stockpile of black beans in the crockpot my grandma gave me, making a big pot of my favorite lentil soup. I give myself one off day a week (to do things like eat Pinkberry and drink beer and Jagermeister), because otherwise I crave bad stuff, but I've done pretty well so far. Tonight, I made boiled kale over wheat toast and topped with a poached egg, with honey and chipotle mashed sweet potato on the side. I didn't finish it. I get full a lot faster lately, it seems. I also notice that things I think I crave don't taste so great anymore--the other day, I really wanted a Symphony bar, so I gave in and ate one and found it sort of bland. Same thing with some chocolate chip cookies. That said, I'm pretty sure if I gave into my nagging desire to actually bake something, I'd probably enjoy the results a lot more (which is why I haven't given in--I would go into a brownie-induced coma).
I've also been exercising more often and am slowly, but steadily, losing weight. The downside of this is that my clothes aren't fitting anymore. Sunday, I went to BR, wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a shirt I bought maybe a month ago and I noticed that all my clothes were too big on me, something Christie confirmed. But, I'm happy with the weight loss and I'd rather my clothes be too loose than too tight, so this isn't really that much of a complaint.
I've also just been trying to do little things to make me happy: I donated a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I went to see Brass Bed at Blue Nile (by myself; a shocking accomplishment), I bought new sheets for my bed, I visited with my neighbors. I try to keep myself from brooding. It's a bit "fake it 'til you make it" but it works.
P.S. Look, I know I've probably lost my entire readership (what little of it there was)...I'm sorry all I write about anymore is work/school, food and depression. I feel kind of boring too but it helps me to read back over this stuff and track progress. Maybe one day I'll start posting sexual anecdotes! (no I won't.)
Life has been okay 'round here. I started my second semester of grad school and, so far, things are going well. I've been making a concerted effort to do my homework in small bits so that I don't become overloaded and rushed. My Medieval NOLA class seems like it will be very easy--a handout here and there, no textbook and lots of information about New Orleans-based medieval musicians, architecture, rare manuscripts, etc. Alyson is also taking the class with me, which will probably make it a lot more fun.
Justice, Law and Public Policy might be a little more trying. I'm curious to see how I'll end up acting in this class. Last semester, I rarely spoke in class, mostly out of hesitation to get in some involved argument with people whose minds were obviously not going to be changed by anything I had to say. B is taking this class too, and I wish Alyson was also taking it so we could have our Tuesday night trifecta, but she's busy with thesis work. The class involves discussion on topics like abortion (our next class), affirmative action, the death penalty, etc. I get the idea that much of the class isn't so liberal minded as I am, so I'm not especially looking forward to these discussions, but the argumentative part of me sort of relishes it.
I'm mostly excited about my independent study. I wasn't sure how it would be structured, but for our first class, the other student and I just spent an hour discussion Foucault and batting around various ideas and theories. This class involves a fair amount of dense reading (next class is Derrida "That Dangerous Supplement" and Book 3 of Rousseau's Confessions) but it's rewarding in the sense that we're really getting into what we read (as opposed to a glossed over lecture that hits the high points) in our discussions. After the first class, I walked into the library to visit with Alyson and she was visibly surprised at my good mood. She told me I looked happy.
I guess I have been in a fairly shitty mood for awhile, as is probably obvious by the past blog posts here. I actually looked into seeing a counselor but I don't think it would fit into my schedule (oh, irony.) I need to figure out something to do about my anxiety, but I don't want to be on medication for it because a) that sucks and b) I think a lot of it stems from depression, for which talk therapy has always been very helpful. Part of me kind of hopes it'll just pass and I'm trying to do "positive things" (oh, that sounds so cheesy) to keep my spirits up and my sanity intact.
One of those things is being really careful about what I eat. I have to remember that depression is also symptomatic of the PCOS and is not helped by eating a bunch of crap. I've been doing a lot more cooking at home lately, getting back into a cooking routine that I was accustomed to when I lived in BR. I spent a big part of the weekend on food: buying good foods (chard, kale, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, carrots, apples, persimmons, fresh peanut butter, honey), making a big batch of granola for breakfasts, cooking a stockpile of black beans in the crockpot my grandma gave me, making a big pot of my favorite lentil soup. I give myself one off day a week (to do things like eat Pinkberry and drink beer and Jagermeister), because otherwise I crave bad stuff, but I've done pretty well so far. Tonight, I made boiled kale over wheat toast and topped with a poached egg, with honey and chipotle mashed sweet potato on the side. I didn't finish it. I get full a lot faster lately, it seems. I also notice that things I think I crave don't taste so great anymore--the other day, I really wanted a Symphony bar, so I gave in and ate one and found it sort of bland. Same thing with some chocolate chip cookies. That said, I'm pretty sure if I gave into my nagging desire to actually bake something, I'd probably enjoy the results a lot more (which is why I haven't given in--I would go into a brownie-induced coma).
I've also been exercising more often and am slowly, but steadily, losing weight. The downside of this is that my clothes aren't fitting anymore. Sunday, I went to BR, wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a shirt I bought maybe a month ago and I noticed that all my clothes were too big on me, something Christie confirmed. But, I'm happy with the weight loss and I'd rather my clothes be too loose than too tight, so this isn't really that much of a complaint.
I've also just been trying to do little things to make me happy: I donated a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. I went to see Brass Bed at Blue Nile (by myself; a shocking accomplishment), I bought new sheets for my bed, I visited with my neighbors. I try to keep myself from brooding. It's a bit "fake it 'til you make it" but it works.
P.S. Look, I know I've probably lost my entire readership (what little of it there was)...I'm sorry all I write about anymore is work/school, food and depression. I feel kind of boring too but it helps me to read back over this stuff and track progress. Maybe one day I'll start posting sexual anecdotes! (no I won't.)
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2010 highs and lows
This is a post I meant to make before the new year but, obviously, did not do.
In 2010:
-Ravi's practice space (The Caterie) burned down New Years' Day and resulted in instrument loss for about 9 bands
-Haiti earthquake
-The Saints won the Super Bowl
-Erin and I visited Mike in Columbus (marking my first extended exposure to snow)
-Healthcare reform passed
-Had my wisdom teeth pulled
-Erin, Ravi and I went to New York for Becky and Dorian's wedding
-BP oil spill
-Ravi got into pharmacy school and I got into grad school
-Erin moved to Chicago
-Ravi and I went to Chicago for Pitchfork festival
-Got in a wreck
-Ravi and I broke up
-Quit my job at LCA
-Moved to New Orleans
-Was unemployed for 2.5 months and went through my savings
-Started first semester of grad school
-Got a paying job with Tulane Ortho and a non-paying job with goodnola.com
-Forced myself to conquer social anxiety and made some friends
-Turned 25
-Had a wee breakdown, brought on by stress, depression and exhaustion
-Recovered and drank sloe gin 'til the midnight hour
I keep talking about 2010 as a shitty year, because in a lot of ways it was for me--I exited this year broke, single and more than a little shaken. But I also had a lot of fun this year, met some really great people, reestablished and improved on some friendships, kissed a dude or two, (re)learned that I'm able to be self-sufficient and alone, and I'm living in a city that I enjoy. In a way, 2010 wasn't so much shitty as it was just hectic and full of upheaval, which was, occasionally, pretty overwhelming. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've challenged myself so much, but in the end, I think it's paid off. I feel less stagnant. As I told Christie earlier today, even in the worst parts of this year, I never regretted the choices I've made, because as hard as things have been, I feel like I'm on my way to being a lot happier with myself.
I think now the key is building on those things--doing more things that I want to do but have convinced myself that I can't for whatever reason (time, money, anxiety, etc.) I want to make more friends or at least meet people. I want to write poems (I got started for a bit but then stopped again when I became unhappy with what I was writing). I want to volunteer. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make changes to my body that will make me happier with it. I want to get my health issues in order. I want to better stay abreast of politics. I want to go to a bar alone and not break into hives over it. I want to be more comfortable with the person I am, on my own terms.
I'd also like to stop being redundant, but that may not happen any time soon. :)
In 2010:
-Ravi's practice space (The Caterie) burned down New Years' Day and resulted in instrument loss for about 9 bands
-Haiti earthquake
-The Saints won the Super Bowl
-Erin and I visited Mike in Columbus (marking my first extended exposure to snow)
-Healthcare reform passed
-Had my wisdom teeth pulled
-Erin, Ravi and I went to New York for Becky and Dorian's wedding
-BP oil spill
-Ravi got into pharmacy school and I got into grad school
-Erin moved to Chicago
-Ravi and I went to Chicago for Pitchfork festival
-Got in a wreck
-Ravi and I broke up
-Quit my job at LCA
-Moved to New Orleans
-Was unemployed for 2.5 months and went through my savings
-Started first semester of grad school
-Got a paying job with Tulane Ortho and a non-paying job with goodnola.com
-Forced myself to conquer social anxiety and made some friends
-Turned 25
-Had a wee breakdown, brought on by stress, depression and exhaustion
-Recovered and drank sloe gin 'til the midnight hour
I keep talking about 2010 as a shitty year, because in a lot of ways it was for me--I exited this year broke, single and more than a little shaken. But I also had a lot of fun this year, met some really great people, reestablished and improved on some friendships, kissed a dude or two, (re)learned that I'm able to be self-sufficient and alone, and I'm living in a city that I enjoy. In a way, 2010 wasn't so much shitty as it was just hectic and full of upheaval, which was, occasionally, pretty overwhelming. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've challenged myself so much, but in the end, I think it's paid off. I feel less stagnant. As I told Christie earlier today, even in the worst parts of this year, I never regretted the choices I've made, because as hard as things have been, I feel like I'm on my way to being a lot happier with myself.
I think now the key is building on those things--doing more things that I want to do but have convinced myself that I can't for whatever reason (time, money, anxiety, etc.) I want to make more friends or at least meet people. I want to write poems (I got started for a bit but then stopped again when I became unhappy with what I was writing). I want to volunteer. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make changes to my body that will make me happier with it. I want to get my health issues in order. I want to better stay abreast of politics. I want to go to a bar alone and not break into hives over it. I want to be more comfortable with the person I am, on my own terms.
I'd also like to stop being redundant, but that may not happen any time soon. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
namby pamby
Today I was reading a series of passive aggressive FB notes directed at me and rolling my eyes so hard that I could practically see my brain. Then I realized that some of my most recent entries could be construed that way and I got pretty embarrassed. I didn't mean them that way, because there was other shit going on, but there's no need to go and get pathetic on the interwebs. I won't delete them, but I will try to be more conscious of not looking like an asshole on here.
Sort of horribly, going back to work helped pull me out of the doldrums. I guess having to get dressed and go perform a series of tasks is more motivational than sleeping 'til 10 and hanging out in my pajamas all day. That's kind of depressing in itself. But it is what it is (I hate it when people say that) and I do feel better. I was talking to someone today who I'd previously been very very nervous around (partly due to depression, which always makes me feel like I'm the biggest loser on the planet) and he commented that I seemed much less anxious.
At the risk of getting all crazy bulimic on everyone, I'm working on losing weight again. Not just sitting around not eating things, but actually keeping a food diary and weighing in and working out. I've lost 4 pounds since Dec. 28. I'm on a max of 1600 calories a day and, to keep myself from being ridiculous (i.e. eating sugar-free hard candies as a snack, drinking coffee all day as an appetite suppressant, etc.), a minimum of 600. I've been clocking in between 1000 and 1200 calories a day lately, which may not seem like a lot, but I do sit at a desk for most of my day, so that has to be taken into account. I'm thinking of taking a spinning class this coming semester, if the Intro to Spinning one is still offered on Wednesday nights.
Speaking of this semester, I'm starting to get geared up for that. I had originally scheduled 12 hours (on top of my 37.5 hours of work a week) but after that little nervous breakdown that closed out this past semester, I cut things back to 9 hours. I dropped a class with my favorite professor from last semester, because I don't feel like I'd be able to give him 100% between his class and my independent study, and the indie study is more important to me. I think he'll understand though. For indie study, I'm awaiting History of Sexuality to come in so I can start reading it. I'm pretty thrilled about that, because I love Foucault. However, I'm still trying to locate a non-French copy of Barthes Mythologies, which is much more difficult than it should be.
Nancy recently got engaged and asked me (well, told me) to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Nancy doesn't know much about planning a wedding and I know way more than I ought to, so I've been helping her with that. This means I get to do things like tell her, "no, you actually DO have to reserve churches months in advance and you SHOULD call now" and make her a "Wedding Boot Camp" binder, replete with a photo of combat boots on the front. It also means I have far more control over the get up I'll be forced into.
I just bought "Can't Hardly Wait" on Amazon. I think a 90's movie party is in order in the very near future.
Sort of horribly, going back to work helped pull me out of the doldrums. I guess having to get dressed and go perform a series of tasks is more motivational than sleeping 'til 10 and hanging out in my pajamas all day. That's kind of depressing in itself. But it is what it is (I hate it when people say that) and I do feel better. I was talking to someone today who I'd previously been very very nervous around (partly due to depression, which always makes me feel like I'm the biggest loser on the planet) and he commented that I seemed much less anxious.
At the risk of getting all crazy bulimic on everyone, I'm working on losing weight again. Not just sitting around not eating things, but actually keeping a food diary and weighing in and working out. I've lost 4 pounds since Dec. 28. I'm on a max of 1600 calories a day and, to keep myself from being ridiculous (i.e. eating sugar-free hard candies as a snack, drinking coffee all day as an appetite suppressant, etc.), a minimum of 600. I've been clocking in between 1000 and 1200 calories a day lately, which may not seem like a lot, but I do sit at a desk for most of my day, so that has to be taken into account. I'm thinking of taking a spinning class this coming semester, if the Intro to Spinning one is still offered on Wednesday nights.
Speaking of this semester, I'm starting to get geared up for that. I had originally scheduled 12 hours (on top of my 37.5 hours of work a week) but after that little nervous breakdown that closed out this past semester, I cut things back to 9 hours. I dropped a class with my favorite professor from last semester, because I don't feel like I'd be able to give him 100% between his class and my independent study, and the indie study is more important to me. I think he'll understand though. For indie study, I'm awaiting History of Sexuality to come in so I can start reading it. I'm pretty thrilled about that, because I love Foucault. However, I'm still trying to locate a non-French copy of Barthes Mythologies, which is much more difficult than it should be.
Nancy recently got engaged and asked me (well, told me) to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Nancy doesn't know much about planning a wedding and I know way more than I ought to, so I've been helping her with that. This means I get to do things like tell her, "no, you actually DO have to reserve churches months in advance and you SHOULD call now" and make her a "Wedding Boot Camp" binder, replete with a photo of combat boots on the front. It also means I have far more control over the get up I'll be forced into.
I just bought "Can't Hardly Wait" on Amazon. I think a 90's movie party is in order in the very near future.
Monday, January 3, 2011
remember this
me: seriously, I kind of have to do it secretly
like I'll tell you about it
but when I start making a big deal of shit, then I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail
I kind of got nervous about making that FB post about going down a dress size
but I was like "fuck it I'm excited"
I just hate it when people are all "what's your goal weight?" or "how much have you lost?"
because then it starts freaking me out
Alyson: Tell them
To shut it
me: hee
Alyson: Your goal weight is happy
like I'll tell you about it
but when I start making a big deal of shit, then I feel like I'm setting myself up to fail
I kind of got nervous about making that FB post about going down a dress size
but I was like "fuck it I'm excited"
I just hate it when people are all "what's your goal weight?" or "how much have you lost?"
because then it starts freaking me out
Alyson: Tell them
To shut it
me: hee
Alyson: Your goal weight is happy
Friday, December 10, 2010
hit the wall hit the wall hit the wall
I'm exhausted.
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean much, since I still have a lot left to do in the immediate future. I have a 20 page annotated biblio that's due Monday afternoon, that I have not even approached "almost done" on. I have a 7-page final due for the bullshit class. I've done a bit of re-reading for that and taken about a page of notes. It'll come together fine. I just need to sit down and type it out, but every time I decide to just get it out of the way, my brain starts its slow-burn freakout about the bibliography and I go back to read/note-taking for that. I also have a load of stuff to do at work, so much that one of my doctors asked if I'd spent the night at her place to help her finish this stuff in exchange for some overtime cash money. I didn't say no.
I canceled a trip to Baton Rouge for Friday night that I've been planning for about 3 weeks. I almost let myself get talked back into going by some friends, but I can't justify it. I can't justify driving down there and spending money (because all I really want to do is get wonderfully, obliviously drunk) and time that I don't really have, especially when I'll probably be there the weekend after anyway. It hurts though, because if there was ever a time that I wanted a break from reality, it's right now. I wanted to see music and dance and see all my friends and sleep on Christie's couch. I need some platonic love.
I've done really well at holding up so far, in the face of school/work stress + holiday/winter blues, but I can feel myself trying to slip into that place in my mind where I just want to be dark and dreary, mad and sad. I notice myself slipping into eating habits that are indicative of ED-land and I've made a concerted effort to put a stop to that immediately. I'm just kind of burnt out and I keep telling myself, "I will do this after Monday..." So far, that list consists of:
-Cleaning the house (this is kind of a nightmare at the moment)
-Get drinks with Ann
-Go to BR
-Write and mail Christmas cards
-Go thrift shopping for winter clothes (I've been cobbling together cold-weather outfits. Tonight, I wore leggings, a jersey summer skirt, an ACL t-shirt, a hoodie, a pashmina and flats to the library.)
-Go to the bank
-Figure out what I'm baking for Christmas (spoiler alert: if you get a present from me, it will be baked goods)
-Call my mom
I'm running on nervous energy right now (which probably has something to do with my recently-gone-to-shit sleeping habits--vicious cycle there), and I need it to last me just a little bit longer until I can crash.
Not everything is terrible though. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone who is coming into town for the holidays. Ann is already here, Phillip is in from China, Ravi and Devon will both be coming in around the end of the month. So the idea of fun soon kind of sustains me. The idea of getting done with classes and getting A's also sustains me.
So let's end on a good note. Marla is snuggling with me right now. My sweet neighbors (or "gaybors," as they refer to themselves) decked our 4-plex out for the holidays and it looks amazing. I bought this dress and it came in today and looks fantastic on. I'm going to wear it to a party that I'm attending as Alyson's date. I made amends (I think) with someone. I've been listening to Brendan Canning's "Something for All of Us" and it has been doing double duty as a walking/dancing and a study soundtrack. Check it:
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean much, since I still have a lot left to do in the immediate future. I have a 20 page annotated biblio that's due Monday afternoon, that I have not even approached "almost done" on. I have a 7-page final due for the bullshit class. I've done a bit of re-reading for that and taken about a page of notes. It'll come together fine. I just need to sit down and type it out, but every time I decide to just get it out of the way, my brain starts its slow-burn freakout about the bibliography and I go back to read/note-taking for that. I also have a load of stuff to do at work, so much that one of my doctors asked if I'd spent the night at her place to help her finish this stuff in exchange for some overtime cash money. I didn't say no.
I canceled a trip to Baton Rouge for Friday night that I've been planning for about 3 weeks. I almost let myself get talked back into going by some friends, but I can't justify it. I can't justify driving down there and spending money (because all I really want to do is get wonderfully, obliviously drunk) and time that I don't really have, especially when I'll probably be there the weekend after anyway. It hurts though, because if there was ever a time that I wanted a break from reality, it's right now. I wanted to see music and dance and see all my friends and sleep on Christie's couch. I need some platonic love.
I've done really well at holding up so far, in the face of school/work stress + holiday/winter blues, but I can feel myself trying to slip into that place in my mind where I just want to be dark and dreary, mad and sad. I notice myself slipping into eating habits that are indicative of ED-land and I've made a concerted effort to put a stop to that immediately. I'm just kind of burnt out and I keep telling myself, "I will do this after Monday..." So far, that list consists of:
-Cleaning the house (this is kind of a nightmare at the moment)
-Get drinks with Ann
-Go to BR
-Write and mail Christmas cards
-Go thrift shopping for winter clothes (I've been cobbling together cold-weather outfits. Tonight, I wore leggings, a jersey summer skirt, an ACL t-shirt, a hoodie, a pashmina and flats to the library.)
-Go to the bank
-Figure out what I'm baking for Christmas (spoiler alert: if you get a present from me, it will be baked goods)
-Call my mom
I'm running on nervous energy right now (which probably has something to do with my recently-gone-to-shit sleeping habits--vicious cycle there), and I need it to last me just a little bit longer until I can crash.
Not everything is terrible though. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone who is coming into town for the holidays. Ann is already here, Phillip is in from China, Ravi and Devon will both be coming in around the end of the month. So the idea of fun soon kind of sustains me. The idea of getting done with classes and getting A's also sustains me.
So let's end on a good note. Marla is snuggling with me right now. My sweet neighbors (or "gaybors," as they refer to themselves) decked our 4-plex out for the holidays and it looks amazing. I bought this dress and it came in today and looks fantastic on. I'm going to wear it to a party that I'm attending as Alyson's date. I made amends (I think) with someone. I've been listening to Brendan Canning's "Something for All of Us" and it has been doing double duty as a walking/dancing and a study soundtrack. Check it:
Friday, November 19, 2010
pacing
Good things right now:
-People who love me and who I love
-A decided lack of cynicism
-Money
-A lot of fun lately
-New friends
-Independent study option for lit crit
-Weight loss, despite my crap eating habits lately
-Writing
-Job
-Lots of plans with friends in the very near future
Bad things right now:
-A lot of school work to do
-Never enough money
-Never enough time
-Flaky skin
This is a good pace.
-People who love me and who I love
-A decided lack of cynicism
-Money
-A lot of fun lately
-New friends
-Independent study option for lit crit
-Weight loss, despite my crap eating habits lately
-Writing
-Job
-Lots of plans with friends in the very near future
Bad things right now:
-A lot of school work to do
-Never enough money
-Never enough time
-Flaky skin
This is a good pace.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
sickly sweet
Yesterday, my parents came into town to bring me some furniture (including my much beloved writing desk). We wanted some lunch and ended up at Cafe Nino, which was fantastic. Except, the only things I've eaten in the last...three days? are pasta, whiskey and cookies. After that huge influx of sugar and carbs, I felt awful. I gave myself an injection as soon as I got home (something I had forgotten to do that morning, in trying to get my internet provider on the phone, clean up for my parents, etc.), but it didn't help much and I sat, dizzy and pale, on my couch while my mom kept asking me, "Are you okay?" I tried drinking some coffee, which only made it worse and I started getting tunnel vision. My mom asked, "What's WRONG? Like what feels the worse? Nausea? Headache?" but it's difficult to describe that kind of malaise, that feeling of knowing something is very wrong but not in any extreme sense...just enough to be debilitating. Walking down the hall felt like a 10 mile run. My kidneys began to ache. I tried to keep out of my dad's way, since his own mother died of diabetes-related complications and, though he never talks about it, I know my blood sugar issues deeply worry him.
I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.
This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.
I'm just tired of feeling bad.
I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.
This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.
I'm just tired of feeling bad.
Friday, August 20, 2010
read me the letter, baby/do not leave out the words
I really want to write an entry here but all I can think of are little fragments that don't work well together in paragraphs. So, here:
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
past tense
I have been making a concerted effort to work out lately. By "work out," I mean I jog/run on a treadmill for 35 minutes, but it's something. It's a start. Already, I've built up my distance and calories burned over 4 trips. I'm up a full mile (to 2.5) from my first trip and I was able to do a full out run for two 5 minute periods. That may not seem like a big deal, but I generally feel like I'm going to die when I try to run, so this is a massive improvement. Eventually, I'd like to try the weights, but the treadmill is working for me.
Beyond the obvious benefits, I've begun to notice other little changes. My skin looks brighter. I sleep better on the nights I go to the gym. But, best of all, I've noticed I've stopped craving sugar as much. Of course, this probably has something to do with my medicine, but today I went a full day without one piece of candy. Yesterday, I had one mini-Hershey bar. There is a huge bag of candy in my office (for the drs. I work for...I've tried to move it out of my office, only to be met with a barrage of complaints) and generally I crave it to the point of distraction. Today I administered my shot, had a sweet potato and date muffin with some almond butter, two "skinny" iced coffees and some broccoli and mashed potatoes. I ate a brownie just now, not because I wanted one but because I baked them over the weekend and there's still half a pan left and I hate waste. I didn't realize how much I craved sugar until I stopped wanting it. I'm sure this also has a lot to do with the above mentioned gym benefits.
I've also started keeping a graph of my weight, after being inspired by Making It Lovely. I've marked various goals for myself and I'm hoping to eventually lose 30 pounds (I mean, I'd love to lose 50, but 30 seems more attainable right now) with diet, exercise and tracking.
Mostly, I'm pretty proud of myself for trying to stick to a regimen, instead of falling back on the roots of eating disorder. I'm not sure I've convinced myself that I can do it, but I have convinced myself to quit self-sabotaging and give it a fair chance. So far, I've lost two pounds.
Beyond the obvious benefits, I've begun to notice other little changes. My skin looks brighter. I sleep better on the nights I go to the gym. But, best of all, I've noticed I've stopped craving sugar as much. Of course, this probably has something to do with my medicine, but today I went a full day without one piece of candy. Yesterday, I had one mini-Hershey bar. There is a huge bag of candy in my office (for the drs. I work for...I've tried to move it out of my office, only to be met with a barrage of complaints) and generally I crave it to the point of distraction. Today I administered my shot, had a sweet potato and date muffin with some almond butter, two "skinny" iced coffees and some broccoli and mashed potatoes. I ate a brownie just now, not because I wanted one but because I baked them over the weekend and there's still half a pan left and I hate waste. I didn't realize how much I craved sugar until I stopped wanting it. I'm sure this also has a lot to do with the above mentioned gym benefits.
I've also started keeping a graph of my weight, after being inspired by Making It Lovely. I've marked various goals for myself and I'm hoping to eventually lose 30 pounds (I mean, I'd love to lose 50, but 30 seems more attainable right now) with diet, exercise and tracking.
Mostly, I'm pretty proud of myself for trying to stick to a regimen, instead of falling back on the roots of eating disorder. I'm not sure I've convinced myself that I can do it, but I have convinced myself to quit self-sabotaging and give it a fair chance. So far, I've lost two pounds.
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