Friday, August 20, 2010

read me the letter, baby/do not leave out the words

I really want to write an entry here but all I can think of are little fragments that don't work well together in paragraphs. So, here:

-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.

-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.

-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.

-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.

-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.

-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.

-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.

-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.

-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.

-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.

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