Monday, August 30, 2010

self sight

If you keep digging and digging, eventually you'll hit upon some little nugget of truth about yourself.

Ravi: how do you feel like i would forget you?
you're honestly the 1 person i talk to the most
Mandi: oh I guess I don't mean forget
but I will become less important to you over time
and part of that happening is establishing new relationships with people
a life that I'm not a part of
I don't say that bitterly
but it'll happen
and I think that's what I'm having trouble letting go of
the relationship, I've come to terms with a long time ago
but losing you in general, not being a part of your everyday life
that's quite another thing
and made all the harder because I don't have anything new yet
I have much more trouble meeting people and building new things
Ravii: but you put forth much less effort in doing so
i'm not criticizing you, just stating
Mandi: i put less effort into it because it makes me anxious
I'm not good at it
Ravi: i used to be the same way
probably worse
Mandi: but yet, you're not now
Ravi: and it still affects me now to a certain extent
you just have to work at it i guess
Mandi: but I have no idea how to
and, honestly, I'm not...interested in it
I'm not interested in having a thousand friends on facebook or knowing a ton of people
its not something I really care about and that probably inhibits me
but. there's still the fact that without it, I don't have any new roots to put down
Ravi: but you're complaining about it now?
or am i misunderstanding you
Mandi: I'm not complaining about it
'm saying there's a kind of catch 22 where I need to meet new people to build a new life but I don't have the ability or desire to do that
there's just something weirdly inorganic and kind of selfish to me about making friends with people for the point of needing them as a distraction
I know that sounds weird and is probably reductive in some sense
but I like things to just...happen. and when they don't, I don't have it in me to push it because that's when the doubt sets in.

Mandi: btw, I posted that last bit of our convo to my blog
just because it was something I hadn't realized about myself until I started talking about it to you
and I wanted to keep it there for my own reference
if you want me to take it down though, I will
Ravi: i kind of felt like you were attacking me but you don't have to take it down
Mandi:no, I wasn't
I didn't even think of it that way
I was just kind of...marvelling at that difference
Ravi: like specifically this part: (excerpt part where I talk about my feelings of the lack of authenticity of forced friendships)
Mandi: I guess I can see the first part
but not the end of it
but that's not how I meant it
Ravi: like it sounds like you're implying that i do all those things for the purposes you stated
Mandi: no. nooo
I'm sorry
that's not what I meant at all
Ravi: i don't think you did, but when i reread it, that's how it comes off
to me anyway
Mandi: no I meant that for someone to whom making friends doens't come easily (me), pushing it feels inorganic and inauthentic

Monday, August 23, 2010

101 in 1001- July/August update

19) Read 1 unassigned book per month.
July '10- Ann Patchett Run
August '10- Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
-I'm working on the Munro and I finished the Patchett in July, so I'm counting it there. I thought Bel Canto was better than Run and Run was, in some ways, predictable. That said, it was still very engaging and I didn't want to put it down, despite some predictability, so I think that says something for it.

23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
D- Date Night (2010) (August 2010)
I- Inception (2010) (July 2010)
M- Men Who Stare At Goats (2009) (July 2010)
R- Raising Arizona (1987) (July 2010)
S- Storytelling (2001) (July 2010)

24) Learn 1 new word a week and use it.
I want to update this reflect that some of these might be words I "know" but either don't know the definition by heart or assign a different meaning to.
Words so far:
Peregrinate- travel or wander around from to place
Milquetoast- a person who is timid or submissive (I always want to use this as an adjective instead of a noun)
Lachrymose- tearful or given to weeping (I often associate this with morose, which can be confusing at times)
Vexillology- the study of flags (this doesn't strictly count under the "use it" part of this item, unless you count the conversation I had with Erin about it. But it is awesome.)
Assiduous- showing great care and perseverance (I am terrible with the definitions of "a" adjectives for some reason)
Reprobate- an unprincipled person
Stalwart- loyal, reliable, and hardworking (this is another one always think means something else--namely "boring" or "lazy")

28) See all of these Mindfuck movies.
The Game (1997) (July 2010)

49) Delete my Myspace, LinkedIn and OK Cupid profiles. (July 2010)
I did this the night I posted the list and I haven't looked back. On the other hand, I reactivated Twitter :p

52) Open a new bank account. (August 2010)
The day after I finally moved to New Orleans, I went to Capitol One and opened a new bank account. I've been very pleased so far. Customer service and communication have been fantastic, the website is easy to navigate and rewards checking is awesome.

75) Get a New Orleans library card. (August 2010)
I did this the same day I opened my bank account. I went to the Nix branch, which is within walking distance of me, but I think I'll probably use a bigger location for actual movies, as Nix seems to cater to a younger crowd. But it'd still be good for borrowing DVDs. And it's a very cozy little place.

85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
2010- Pitchfork

Full list here

Sunday, August 22, 2010

sickly sweet

Yesterday, my parents came into town to bring me some furniture (including my much beloved writing desk). We wanted some lunch and ended up at Cafe Nino, which was fantastic. Except, the only things I've eaten in the last...three days? are pasta, whiskey and cookies. After that huge influx of sugar and carbs, I felt awful. I gave myself an injection as soon as I got home (something I had forgotten to do that morning, in trying to get my internet provider on the phone, clean up for my parents, etc.), but it didn't help much and I sat, dizzy and pale, on my couch while my mom kept asking me, "Are you okay?" I tried drinking some coffee, which only made it worse and I started getting tunnel vision. My mom asked, "What's WRONG? Like what feels the worse? Nausea? Headache?" but it's difficult to describe that kind of malaise, that feeling of knowing something is very wrong but not in any extreme sense...just enough to be debilitating. Walking down the hall felt like a 10 mile run. My kidneys began to ache. I tried to keep out of my dad's way, since his own mother died of diabetes-related complications and, though he never talks about it, I know my blood sugar issues deeply worry him.

I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.

This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.

I'm just tired of feeling bad.

Friday, August 20, 2010

read me the letter, baby/do not leave out the words

I really want to write an entry here but all I can think of are little fragments that don't work well together in paragraphs. So, here:

-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.

-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.

-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.

-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.

-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.

-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.

-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.

-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.

-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.

-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Last Friday, I got to a point where I started to worry myself, so I threw some clothes in a backpack and drove back to Baton Rouge a day earlier than I needed to be there (Saturday was a 50th/80th birthday party for my dad and grandma; respectively). I spent time with friends and slept on Christie's couch a couple of nights and on T n T's guest bed another night. I drank a lot and spent time with people I love and/or adore and cried a lot and slept very little. I lost 3 pounds.

On Monday, on my way back, I stopped to see my mom and some family members were there. I was told I looked tired and depressed. My mom asked me, "why are you depressed?" I said, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I don't have a job, all my friends live in other towns." She said, "you'll find a job soon." I didn't know how to reply to that, so I muttered, "I know." We went for a pedicure and that was nice until I threw up in the salon bathroom, since all I'd "eaten" that day was juice and that never interacts well with my medicine.

All that to say that when I finally got back to New Orleans, where I thought I was escaping on Friday, I felt better. Driving up the Causeway in 5 o'clock traffic felt relaxing. Walking in to my apartment felt like coming home. I'm still depressed and probably not taking care of myself as I should, but I felt worse in Baton Rouge, surrounded by all those people, than I did alone on my couch. I don't mean to devalue those people, because they didn't cause that breakdown and I think it would have been worse without them. Rather, I think having them help me through it enabled me to come back home and be okay with being alone again, for awhile.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

an accounting

Mandi: I got really depressed yesterday and called christie and asked if I could come in
I just feel really fucking out of place
and alone
I don't know.
I'm not doing very well
Ravi: i'm sorry. i know it's rough
is there anything i can do?
Mandi: no 
I mean, I know its something I just have to get through
because even being around people is depressing me
everything is fucking depressing me
the idea of getting dressed and going outside is depressing
because I just feel like "what am I accomplishing?"
I keep trying to do things, for the sole purpose of feeling like I'm doing something. and then I start thinking. "I am only doing this so I am not lonely." and it feels lonelier

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

she had a map/and a straight face/hellbent on reinvention

I'm sitting on the bedroom floor in my new apartment, eating indian eggplant that's making my lips tingle and my nose sniffle. I'm sweaty and tired and sad and happy. This feels right.

Friday, August 6, 2010

ain't no BUSINESS

me: this may be dumb because I've basically already asked it
ann: shoot
me: but, okay, the water...did you have to go down there?
ann: i did
they didn't have an online system yet
me: I'm just not sure what exactly I need to do because I don't really have proof of address
ann: so i don't know what the story is
me: besides my lease, I guess
ann: you have your lease
me: yeah
I'll just bring that
so just do that and be like "turn my waters on bitches?"
ann: yes
it really was easy
you have to wait in a line but it iddn't ake long
bring your checkbook
i think i had to pay a deposit
not much
actualy i don't remember
me: cool

me: I'm looking at the website again
I ended up getting busy last time
so I'm doing that now
ann: it really looks like you just need to show up
me: yup, apply in person
ann: i wish they said when they wer eopen
you could call them
me: I think I will

me: wheeeee
I'm on hold!
ann: haha
me: moving= dumb.
ann: trueeee that

me: they might do it on the phone!
ann: OOH
me: i just had to spell our last names 4 times
this lady is SO NICE
ann: hahahahha
me: she's like "ma'am I'ma bout to try to open this over the phone because ain't no business in not having water in august":
truer words never spoken
ann: HAHA
please blog that
me: hahaha will do

Sunday, August 1, 2010

we still have a lot left to do

the last movie we watched was raising arizona.
the last place we went was whole foods.
the last party we went to was at josh's.
the last place we went out to eat was louie's.
the last night we will still be in a relationship is tonight.
the last time I cried was 25 minutes ago.
keep going going going.