sickly sweet

Yesterday, my parents came into town to bring me some furniture (including my much beloved writing desk). We wanted some lunch and ended up at Cafe Nino, which was fantastic. Except, the only things I've eaten in the last...three days? are pasta, whiskey and cookies. After that huge influx of sugar and carbs, I felt awful. I gave myself an injection as soon as I got home (something I had forgotten to do that morning, in trying to get my internet provider on the phone, clean up for my parents, etc.), but it didn't help much and I sat, dizzy and pale, on my couch while my mom kept asking me, "Are you okay?" I tried drinking some coffee, which only made it worse and I started getting tunnel vision. My mom asked, "What's WRONG? Like what feels the worse? Nausea? Headache?" but it's difficult to describe that kind of malaise, that feeling of knowing something is very wrong but not in any extreme sense...just enough to be debilitating. Walking down the hall felt like a 10 mile run. My kidneys began to ache. I tried to keep out of my dad's way, since his own mother died of diabetes-related complications and, though he never talks about it, I know my blood sugar issues deeply worry him.

I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.

This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.

I'm just tired of feeling bad.