self sight

If you keep digging and digging, eventually you'll hit upon some little nugget of truth about yourself.

Ravi: how do you feel like i would forget you?
you're honestly the 1 person i talk to the most
Mandi: oh I guess I don't mean forget
but I will become less important to you over time
and part of that happening is establishing new relationships with people
a life that I'm not a part of
I don't say that bitterly
but it'll happen
and I think that's what I'm having trouble letting go of
the relationship, I've come to terms with a long time ago
but losing you in general, not being a part of your everyday life
that's quite another thing
and made all the harder because I don't have anything new yet
I have much more trouble meeting people and building new things
Ravii: but you put forth much less effort in doing so
i'm not criticizing you, just stating
Mandi: i put less effort into it because it makes me anxious
I'm not good at it
Ravi: i used to be the same way
probably worse
Mandi: but yet, you're not now
Ravi: and it still affects me now to a certain extent
you just have to work at it i guess
Mandi: but I have no idea how to
and, honestly, I'm not...interested in it
I'm not interested in having a thousand friends on facebook or knowing a ton of people
its not something I really care about and that probably inhibits me
but. there's still the fact that without it, I don't have any new roots to put down
Ravi: but you're complaining about it now?
or am i misunderstanding you
Mandi: I'm not complaining about it
'm saying there's a kind of catch 22 where I need to meet new people to build a new life but I don't have the ability or desire to do that
there's just something weirdly inorganic and kind of selfish to me about making friends with people for the point of needing them as a distraction
I know that sounds weird and is probably reductive in some sense
but I like things to just...happen. and when they don't, I don't have it in me to push it because that's when the doubt sets in.




postscript:
Mandi: btw, I posted that last bit of our convo to my blog
just because it was something I hadn't realized about myself until I started talking about it to you
and I wanted to keep it there for my own reference
if you want me to take it down though, I will
Ravi: i kind of felt like you were attacking me but you don't have to take it down
Mandi:no, I wasn't
honestly
I didn't even think of it that way
I was just kind of...marvelling at that difference
Ravi: like specifically this part: (excerpt part where I talk about my feelings of the lack of authenticity of forced friendships)
Mandi: I guess I can see the first part
but not the end of it
but that's not how I meant it
Ravi: like it sounds like you're implying that i do all those things for the purposes you stated
Mandi: no. nooo
I'm sorry
that's not what I meant at all
Ravi: i don't think you did, but when i reread it, that's how it comes off
to me anyway
Mandi: no I meant that for someone to whom making friends doens't come easily (me), pushing it feels inorganic and inauthentic