Friday, December 31, 2010


Earlier today, I was really down. I spent most of the day alternating between lying on the couch and lying on the bed, with a brief break for crying in the shower. I was upset about a lot of things, but mostly this feeling of being lost.

Yesterday, I sat down and explained to someone why I couldn't date them and, in the midst of that, I said "you can't tie all of your self worth to one person." It took me some wallowing today to realize that, as true as that is, I've been tying my own to this idea of being someone's girlfriend. I can't be someone's rebound, or their conquest, or really even a makeout partner. I want to be this good time girl, but I'm not in a place to do that, because when I am, I just end up wanting to be cared about. I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim, because god knows, I'm not. We all make our choices. But I keep making the wrong ones, because, I realize, I wanted them to lead to dating. And that is not a place I can commit myself to, even though I want to. Because I don't really think I'm ready or able to be someone's girlfriend right now. I still have some Me work left to do. I thought I had done that work but the last couple of weeks have made it pretty clear that I haven't.

I don't really do the whole New Year resolutions thing, because my resolution is always to try and be a better person, but I think part of that is taking care of myself and not getting so lost in other people and what I think they think of me. Not going crazy and losing my shit. Not trying to perpetuate relationships with people who could not give a fuck less.

By a twist of fate, I'm actually at home, after reneging on my original intention to stay home in favor of going out with some friends. I'm singing along with Neko Case and Tori Amos and Marla is snuggling with me. I might still end up going see some people, but it's nice to be alone, to be happy with being alone, and clear my head a little. Being okay with myself is more important than kissing someone at midnight.

Happy New Year :)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Alyson and Cain came over tonight for dinner and drinking, after an eventful thrift store trip (I bought a dress and a book titled 'Socialism' that is going to make a lovely faux-gift for my old co-worker. I ALMOST bought a black lace sleeveless jumpsuit, but resisted the urge). While they were here, we got to talking a bit about writing and I mentioned that one of my friends has been on me to submit some poems for publication. The thing is, I only have 2 poems I could even submit and one of them is just an old reworked one. I can't find it in me to really write anything lately and when I do, it's never anything I'm proud of. Though, the poem I had published in the Delta was something I wrote on more of a whim than something I really poured my heart into. That said, it's also a poem I've never really been all that into (I'm dissatisfied with the line breaks and the last verse, but was persuaded into both by my professor and some classmates) I've decided to try reading some more poetry and see if that kick starts me. And maybe do some more-than-halfhearted investigating into a writing group around here.

Sometimes I still toy with the idea of doing a MFA in poetry or non-fic. But I just don't think I have the drive (or really, the talent) to see it out, despite what others seem to think. Maybe if I could pen something I thought half-decent, that would change.

For fun, here's my old Delta poem:

mai 1968
I have this fantasy
of running into the grocery store
past the produce and into the aisles
over-turning shelf after shelf
stacked with neatly arranged
jars and cans
watching them drop and explode
or roll towards the feet of
stunned shoppers

Liberez les haricots!
Detruisez la politique de classe d'epicerie!

then jumping into
a hot pink Ferrari
clouds of sandy dust
choking off my trail
as I race the sunset
into the desert

Free! Free! Free!

and while we're at it, here's the non-fic piece as well:
Made in America (TM)
I didn't feel like drinking, but since no one else felt like leaving, I went to the bar.
"What you want, baby?" The bartender's eyes never made it up to my face.
Cringe. "Can I get a Franziskaner?"
"Red one or gold one?"
"Red one."
"Man, what kinda beer is that?"
The man on my left pointed at the bottle in front of me. The bartender rolled his eyes and walked off.
"It's a German beer, it's like..."
"Girl, I know it's a beer! How you pronounce that?"
"Franta-scanner? Sounds like Frankenstein!" He pointed at the cooler. "Tell me where them beers are from."
"Where do you want to start?"
"What's that one with the owl?"
"Hitachino Nest? That's from Japan."
"All right, what about that one? Foster's?"
"Cha-may. Belgian."
"Delirium Treemans?"
"Tremans!" yelled the bartender. "That's what New Orleans public school education gets you!"
"Man, that shit ain't English!" He turned back to me. "TRIMINS. Where's that one from?"
"That one's Belgian too."
"Marid-sous 8?"
"Belgian, again!"
"Damn, Belgium must be the beer capital of the world! All right...Taddy Porter?"
"Hm...that's English."
"Finally! I'm gettin' tired of Belgium. Okay, what about that one?"
"Which one?"
He leaned across the bar, carefully avoiding his glass of Taaka, and squinted at the bottom of the cooler. "Dead...Dead Guy Ale."
"Oh. That one's American."
"American, huh? Yeah, that figures."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

"but, I ain't all there/my head is gone, my brain is fried/and I'm standing right here"

These past few weeks have been a huge indulgence in nostalgia. I keep being reminded of things from years ago, whether through conversations with friends, songs, or finding old diary pages hidden in books. Maybe it's just seeing old friends again (even if they're not the same people I've been thinking about.)

Yesterday, Erin and I had a really good conversation, where she put a bunch of shit in perspective for me. I really miss having her around, being able to drive over to her house and lie on the couch and talk about nothing and everything for hours. At the risk of invoking a terrible cliche, I feel like she's one of the very few people who getsme. We just clicked. That's something rare and, for me, even rarer with women. She understands my actions better than I do sometimes. Like this:

Me: is it terrible of me that I kind of want to be alone for NYE?
I feel like you'd get that
and you'd understand it's not overly dramatic
Erin: nope
i support that 100%
Me: I don't know if it'll happen or if the pull of parties will get the better of me
Erin: i did that in 2006
if you recall
Me: but I kind of want to just get some wine and read a book
yeah, I do
Erin: yeah
NYE is a waste of time
the best one i've had, besides one in asheville years ago, was that one i spent alone

Erin: being alone on nye is a good reboot, i think
gives you a purpose for the year
you can get drunk without worries
Me: right
Erin: and not worry about crowds
and go to bed early
Me: it's just...this has been a rough year
and I like the idea of starting fresh
Erin: yes
that's why 2006-2007 new year's was so good for me
Me: I don't think I quite got it at the time, when you did it
I thought it was just depressing
but it's not
Erin: right
it does seem depressing if you've never been in that situation

Things weren't all melancholy though! Oh no, because I found some TREASURES while going through my book collection. Apparently, at some point, I must have suspected my mom of going through my diaries, so I tore pages out and hid them in various books. The thing is, I know there must be more because this stuff is pretty tame and I wrote about way worse shit in some of my diaries. I kind of wonder if I didn't donate some of those books to Goodwill. Anyhow, when I found these, after I finished peeing myself in laughter, I transcribed them for Erin:

Me: I'm about to list a bunch of books on FB for give away
I thought about selling them but I don't feel like bothering with it
I'm giving away American Psycho, to the chagrin of my male friends
but I can't fucking read that book
it's just too awful
Erin: yeah
no need to keep that one
Me: and I start to question my humanity when I'm reading passages about some dude kicking a shar-pei in the stomach until it dies
because it sniffed him
it just...turned my stomach
I shut the book and stopped reading
Erin: that sounds pretty disgusting
i couldn't do that either
Me: oh my god
I just found old diary pages
Erin: uh oh
Me: that I tore out and hid in my books
Erin: what

Me: hahaha 2001!
10:52- Friday
oh lord
boy issues
Erin: oh lord
Me: oh MAN
are you ready for this?
Erin: uh oh
i dunno
Me: you are about to get some SRS TEENAGE ANGST
I wanted some dude to spend the night at my house (which uh, totally wasn't happening)
Erin: wait so you were like 16 then, right?
Me: "B said that even if his parents said OK and so did mine, that he still wouldn't come. I asked him why. He said that even though he was dating M, he would still at least try to get me to "do" something with him. He said sometimes he missed me. I miss him too sometimes. A lot as of late."
Me: yeah, 15 or 16
who dumped me like like 3 times
this was after the 3rd time, when he was dating his ex again
Erin: a winner
Me: "I guess it's because he and M are having some problems. And when he talks about that, I guess it's like I get a little flicker or hope. Then, later on, he'll start talking about M again, and I'll feel bad. But I don't want to tell him so. I know B could never feel for me the love he feels for M."
Erin: yikes
Me: hahahahahahaha
the next page, I start writing about some fight I had with a girl who was, at the time, my best friend
and who started dating B
like....6 months later
maybe 5
Erin: ugh
what a bitch!
Me: i KNOW
"Chad brought over 'Big Money Hustlas,' 'Rocky Mountain Picture Show,' and Orgazmo'"

Me: dude
Erin: oh my god
Me: so in the meantime! before K started dating B, I was dating B's friend, Chad
that other entry was from 1/26/01
this is 4/8/01
"I'm kinda depressed. I was REALLY depressed but that's subdued a bit. See...what happened was this...Last weekend, B came over. We kissed and stuff."
"and stuff" is definitely my way of saying we fooled around
"Well, I was planning on telling Chad. I was! But I got online right after. Ok, now it's 4/18 but I'll finish writing this and then say some more"
wtf, self
Erin: ahaha
and stuff
Me: "When I got online, I started talking to Chad and my friend S. I didn't want to tell Chad over the Internet, so I figured I'd tell him later. He asked me on there if B tried anything. I said no. Soon after that, S asked me if anything had happened between me and B. I told her there were a few kisses but nothing else. She copy and pasted it to Chad. When he told me he knew, I got offline and called him and B on three-way"
"I told him there was only one kiss."
I am a liar.
Erin: ahaha
is this
Me: "We stayed together but we were both depressed."
Erin: nice

Me: S was this girl who live in Ill. who resented me for making out with W
because they had some sort of long distance love affair
so she was constantly trying to long distance hook up with my boyfriends
best relationships ever!
Erin: hahaahahahahaa

Me: I have got to go dig out this diary and find out what else happened!
not that I don't remember
but I don't remember being such a huge slut
Erin: good call
Me: here's some from 1997-8!
2/15/1997: Dear Diary, Updates on latest crush. C is so fine. He got his hair cut in a bowl cut (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA) and it makes him look older."
Erin: bowl cut
Me: I am DYING
I can barely fucking breathe
Erin: ahhaah
"Today, he was pretending he was going to murder me. He tied me up in the shed's attic and said he was going to rape me. He was just kidding of course. God, I wish he'd ask me out. I don't love him, but I like him a lot. Oh well. Bye!"
Erin: what
oh my god
Me: a) guess I got THOSE proclivities at an early age. b) rape me! just kidding! biggest crush evar!"
Erin: ahhaha
Me: "4-4-1998: Yesterday, at the Spring Dance, A.C. pressured me to dance with W.D. I told W '1 dance.' He likes me but I don't like him. After I danced with him, he wouldn't leave me alone so every time a slow song came on, I had to go across the gym! He's so annoying. I don't know what to do on monday. Oh well! Bye!"
wtf kind of sign off is that?
oh well!
we danced to Usher- Nice and Slow btw
I still remember it as a hugely humiliating moment
Erin: awwww
but probably the highlight of his life

Needless to say, I have some diary reading to do!

Friday, December 24, 2010

blood-alcohol content

J: Trivia by myself tonight. Woo.
Me: Knock 'em dead!
J: I'll try We'll see what happens. My secret weapon isn't here.
Me: Whiskey?
J: Well that too. I was talking about you and your talent for remembering weird things like bread ties.*
Me: Whiskey and I are basically the same thing. Drink up!

I'm beginning to think this is true, after evaluating the amount of whiskey consumed in the past few days. A rundown, complete with drink list:

Place(s): Work party, St. Joe's
People: Coworkers, T Leeps
Drinks: A bottle of white wine, 2 whiskey sours
Work party had an open wine bar that I took full advantage of because I had to stay and help with clean up later. I made off with a ton of food and 2 more bottles of wine. Met Leeps later at St. Joe's and drank whiskey until I realized I was past getting drunk and was moving into getting sleepy. Signed a cast.

Place: Eileen's Apt.
People: Eileen, Josh, Kelly, lots of other BR people
Drinks: 1/2 bottle red wine
Stolen work wine came into play here. Caught up with a bunch of people who have moved to NOLA from BR and overcame some of my awkwardness about seeing people that I perceive as "Ravi's friends." Had a good time until someone (a same someone that set off some bottle rockets in a house one time) threw Eileen's neighbor's entire lawn furniture set into a fire. Neighbor brandished pistol. I brandished car keys and evacuated. 

Place: Bridge Lounge
People: Ann
Drinks: Whiskey Sour, Cranberry fig mojito
Ann and I met up, catched up, kvetched up and drank up. I was going to stick with the sour, but Ann got a limey mojito that I liked and drank for her (which ended up being a bad idea, as all the sugar in that drink sent my body into a 15 hour tailspin). Left after much soul spilling and hugs.

Place: Markey's
People: Quintin & Phillip
Drinks: 3? whiskey sours
P was in town from China. I met him and Q in the Bywater (without getting lost/accidentally driving to the 9th ward) and we played lots of shuffleboard. I was awesome and dominated. Assisted with trivia by knowing the treaty that ended WWI, which U.S. presidents were assassinated, Napoleon's last battle and what Christmas character was created in 1939. Ravi came into town this night but I left the bar before he got there. Watched the eclipse until 2am, went to sleep, was awakened by Ravi tap, tap, tapping on my bedroom window because I left him a key, but still deadbolted the door. Destroyed any lingering feelings Ravi might have still had for me by wandering out on my couch with crazy hair, sleepy/confused/angry face and smelling like whiskey and cigs. Hello!

Place(s): Reginelli's, Markey's, The Country Club
People: Ravi, Amy, Barrett, Phillip
Drinks: Bourbon milk punch
Ravi and I met up with Amy and Barrett at Reginelli's. I decided not to drink. Went to Markey's, played more shuffleboard, continued to rule. Amy and I decided to go check out the Country Club. Decided to break drinking ban upon seeing Bourbon Milk Punch special. Watched Nightmare Before Christmas and explained to Amy that Ravi and I were, in fact, broken up. She seemed embarrassed, but things were fine. Barrett and Phillip came over, also ordered milk punches. Phillip was called a douchebag by the bartender for not ordering his milk punch at the same time as Barrett did, but since he HAD, we defended him. Bartender called Phillip "baby." 

Place: Pal's Lounge
People: Ravi, Ann
Drinks: 2 sangrias
Ravi and I met up with Ann at what is now my favorite NOLA bar. Made friends with dogs, talked about stalkers, drank, took photos in photobooth. Ravi wanted food and asked me to go to a Burger King, where we were accosted by some people who screamed at us to buy them food and then to let them have my car. I gave Ravi a million horrible looks and an irritated talking to about the food in my freezer that is perfectly edible. Ravi stayed up 'til 4am because he drank a coffee at 1am, while I slept peacefully.

Place: My bedroom
People: Marla (cat)
Drinks: Blue Moon
I found a beer in my fridge and drank it, then got a very rare craving for RED MEAT. Realized that I am entering my moon phase (i.e. my period is coming soon to theaters near you. Theaters of war. Okay, I'll stop.) Discussed meat eating with Ann:

me: annnnnn
ann: yes dear
me: I am kind of thinking of going to bud's
after your FB post
is this advisable?
ann: um, always
me: I've never been
ann: WHAT
with sauce
do it

me: is the bud's on city park a drive through?
or do you have to go in?
ann: go in
you want to go in
me: I ask because I need to know whether or not I need to put real pants on
ahahha okay
ann: you don't have to put on pants
me: I have leggings on
ann: that's def adequate
me: I've been drinking
which I think helps
ann: definitely the sauce
that's the most important


(the SAUCE pretty much made that burger. Which was really good, but now I had requisite red meat eating stomachache. Still pretty much worth it. Would eat again. One day.)

Other things I have done lately include:
-Decided that The Cars' "Just What I Needed" is on my possible karaoke songs shortlist.
-Ate at Dooky Chase, a delicious Christmas present from my boss. Also got to meet Leah Chase. Want cookbook for her gumbo z'herbes recipe now. Also want Cajun French Dictionary. Also want to use "ze" as my definite article)
-Breakfast with Ann and Ravi at Maple St. Patisserie
-Getting a new phone. Thank GOD. Really considering running over the BBerry with my car. What a fucking piece of garbage.
-Reading and sleeping a lot
-Arguing with people about the fact that I am not and am not planning on sleeping with Ravi while he is down. Seriously, assholes. We're not. Because we don't hate ourselves and each other enough to put ourselves through that kind of pain.
-Shopping for a TV stand, but never again at Salvation Army, where used and abused furniture costs more than you'd pay for it new!
-Playing SNES
-Cancelling plans because I needed a night off (though I really did want to see Brass Bed and Feufollet).

I'm also thinking about not getting a Ph.D, moving to Mid-City, painting my toenails, getting clavicle surface piercings, and listening to Sleater Kinney. Those things don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.

I think I'll finish that red wine and go to bed early. Livin' the dream, baby.

*different colored ties on bags of bread indicate which day the bread was baked. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

"how can I explain, I need you here and not here too"

After my last post, I decided, seized as I was by my inability to leave things undone (for reference, this whole falling out happened a year and a half ago) and a flaring up of my superstitiousness, to refriend AA on Facebook. He accepted shortly after and I IMed him and sent him that post. We had a good talk and, in the end, I was glad I had followed up on my fit of pique.

I have this sort of awful habit of clinging to unresolved situations, of trying to "right" them, even, sometimes, to further detriment of the situation (and/or my own sanity). I can't stand a lack of finality or resolution when it comes to my friendships, even though I'm generally pretty avoidant when it comes to other sorts of confrontation. I don't quite understand it and I know it drives other people nuts, but I can't help it. I'll think things over until I'm obsessing about them, dreaming about them, trying to figure out something, SOMETHING that will make it better, even when sometimes "making it better" is just dropping it.

The best explanation I have is that my best friend, Candace, was killed when I was 17, in a car accident, while we were in the midst of a fight and not speaking to one another. A few years after that, when I was 21, a very close friend/ex-boyfriend died of cancer. I had been avoiding him due to some things occuring that I'm still not really able to write about. The thing with Candace ate away at me for years and it was only through distance and some pretty intense counseling that I was able to get (mostly) past that...guilt. Guilt mixed with something else...maybe stubborness and a general inability to forgive myself slights. But I think it goes back further than that; I can think of similar incidents years prior.

There's more to this, but seeing as how I've typed three different paragraphs and erased them, I don't think I can write more without rambling, so I'll leave it here for now.

I keep reading the lyrics to Of Montreal's "The Past is a Groteque Animal." The song isn't that fantastic, but the words are.

We want our film to be beautiful, not realistic.
Perceive me in the radiance of your terror dreams
and you can betray me
you can, you can betray me.

But teach me something wonderful.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

moon phase

I don't really buy into astrology. I'm not totally dismissive of it, but I'm not someone who checks their horoscope every morning, who dates only within astrologically-prescribed circles, etc. That said, I do believe in the power of coincidence.

About two weeks ago, I started thinking about what book I wanted to read for December and decided to finally read Revolutionary Road. I pulled it from my bookshelf, tossed it on the coffee table and promptly became engrossed in finishing finals. A week later, the person who gave me that book (AA) commented on friend's (MH) FB post, after I hadn't seen any comments from either in awhile (AA and I are not friends on FB anymore, which made it stand out even more to me when I saw his name on my feed.) The next night, I had an incredibly vivid dream about AA, in which he was carrying me on his back through the French Quarter and I pressed my cheek against his, my hair blowing in my eyes and yelled, "I've missed you!!!" and he said "Where have you been?!"

Tonight, after much cajoling from friends and the internet, I decided to stay up and watch the lunar eclipse, in part because I always miss these astronomical events that will never occur in my lifetime (Halley's Comet came to mind, but that actually happened in 1986, when I wasn't even one yet, so it's not like I'd remember it anyway) and because I think it'll be interesting to see. And I get to go into work late tomorrow because I have overtime. So I decided to finally start reading Revolutionary Road while I wait for 2:17 am to roll around. I opened the book, intentionally flipping past the inscription I knew was in the front cover because I didn't want it to depress me. But my curiosity got the best of me, and I flipped back to remind myself what it said.

Your friendship, like a full moon, burns with light.

Who would have known that someone who thought I was intimidating would now be such a good friend. I don't know if you will ever know how much I appreciate what you have done for me. This book is a very small token of my gratitude.

Love Sincerely,


Friday, December 17, 2010

the Real

Earlier, I was in Walgreen's (which was strangely packed for 11pm), buying cat food for Marla because I haven't had time or money to go get the fancy stuff. There was a 5 for $4 sale, so I dutifully grabbed 5 cans and stood in line. When I got up to checkout, the cashier started scanning the cans
"Man, your cat is gonna be pissed at you! You out here at 11 o'clock, just now gettin' supper."
"Yeah, I feel like a stereotypical cat lady--late night, in line with 5 cans of cat food."
"Yeah, you playin' games, out here flirtin' with me and you need to be at home feedin' that cat! Cat prolly at home, layin' on the couch, thinkin' 'where the hell my food?'"

Tonight marks the finale of my first semester of grad school. I have bruised finger tips and a new knowledge of my body's extreme reactions to stress to show for it. I emailed my paper to my teacher, with a note apologizing for the heavy use of Lacan and attached a photo of a dancing toy Rabbi. I hope he likes it (the paper and the photo). I sent off my 25-pager at 2:45 this morning. Logic dictates I should be asleep right now, but my sleeping habits are shot to hell and I still have something of an adrenaline rush lingering in my system from the rush to finish. I'd write something insightful about grad school and the past 4 months here, but I can't bear to think insightfully right now. I also can't bear to think of the words "narrative structure," "patriarchal," "the Symbolic," and "Wuthering Heights." I will also never name a child Catherine. Just typing those words made me twitch. Hopefully this is all worth some As.

People keep asking me what I'll be doing with my newly freed time. It's not really so free, but I do have a week off from school and work that I'm looking forward to. I have 5 drinking dates scheduled on my calendar for the next 6 days. A random list of things I hope/have to do:
-See Ann, Phillip, Ravi, Devon + BR people in general
-Buy, write and mail Christmas cards
-Finish Christmas shopping/start and finish Christmas baking
-Take a day trip somewhere
-Make curtains for my bedroom
-CLEAN MY HOUSE. I can hardly bear it right now.
-Get another bookshelf
-Rearrange the living room?
-Unpack boxes once and for all.
-Build/buy a spice rack?
-Read Revolutionary Road (this book has me thinking about an old friend a lot lately, which has been kind of depressing.)
-Buy textbooks
-Read The History of Sexuality
-Other stuff that I know I want to do but can't remember.

Mostly, I want a little breathing room. I've been going going going with school and work and seeing people and trying to make everything in my life balance and be good. And those things are fulfilling to me, but I also just want a day that has nothing to do with someone else. That's maybe part of the reason I moved here, to reclaim that sense of myself and while, in some ways, I've felt that acutely, I also feel like something is lacking a bit right now. That...awareness (I can't think of a better word right now; forgive me) that was so accessible when I first moved here has gotten buried a bit. I think some alone time would help with that.

dream time.

Monday, December 13, 2010


When I said I was exhausted in my last post, I couldn't even conceive of how I was going to feel yesterday. Have you ever had a stress stomachache? I never had before, but I ended (I guess...I don't really know where Sunday ended and today began) the evening curled up in a ball, willing my stomach to stop attacking itself.

I spent a large part of Sunday in the library, lying on a couch in the 3rd floor study area and frantically writing a paper that was due today. I started to get hungry around noon and decided that, since PJs wasn't going to be open until 4, I should go home and cook some lunch. I made a black bean burrito and got through about half of it before deciding that food was a bad idea. My anxiety about my paper growing, I also emailed my teacher around this time, asking for an extension. I went back to the library and steadily spiraled downward. I started having trembling fits and nausea. I spent the next hour and a half throwing up everything I'd eaten since Saturday night (half a burrito and a banana. substantial!), because my body deals with stress by purging. Then the stomachache started. It was this deep in my center, burning, twisting someone had set fire to my insides and was hitting them with a mallet. Every time I'd come to a block in a sentence, it would flare up. A particularly upbeat song on the iPod would cause it to twist. Nothing would make it go away. At one point, I was on my back on the couch, shaking all over, listening to Bee Hives and trying breathing exercises to no avail. I was getting pretty worried that I was drawing attention to myself so I came home and immediately got in the shower.

I wish I could write my paper in the shower. It never fails that, when I am under tons of stress, a shower will calm me. I put my shower cap on and sat directly under the spray, letting the rain sound and the water block out the world for a little while. I sprawled on my back and let the water spray on my stomach and the ache went away a bit.

When I got out, I wrote some more and decided, around 1am, to try and get some sleep. Except sleep was a mishmash of stomachache, shakes, worrying and lucid dreams (I always have those when I'm very stressed) where I kept thinking "When I wake up, I have to..." followed by some absurd task like "write a 14 page paper on carpal tunnel release's due tomorrow!"I finally gave it up around 5am, made some tea and wrote some more, while getting sicker and sicker at the thought that my teacher wasn't going to grant me an extension. I caught another quick nap at 6:30am and then went to work...where my teacher FINALLY emailed me to tell me that I had until Thursday(!!!) morning to turn the paper in.

And, as miserable as today was, it was also kind of a reminder of how great people can be sometimes. In addition to my professor, Alyson spent a big part of the morning talking to me, sending me funny links (and some links to Tulane's mental health services website). Nancy bought me lunch (soup, since food still didn't sound or feel like a good idea. My boss bought me dinner (which I didn't really eat, but appreciated). My co-workers took some of my work. I called my mom. And it helped, a lot.

I was talking to both Alyson and my mom about how awful and debilitating my stress and anxiety were, how it had kind of taken me by surprise to be that physically affected. My mom reminded me that, on top of school stress, it was the holiday season (she's pretty familiar with my breakdowns around this time of year), that I was probably still dealing with the breakup, that I've been stressed about money, that I just started back on birth control and that all these things combined could have a pretty cataclysmic effect on my body. She's right, of course. I've been priding myself on how well I've been dealing with life lately, but maybe I've just been pressing it all down, into a huge knot in my stomach.

I also think that the help of people today was especially meaningful to me, because last night, I wanted to  be held so badly. I ached for physical contact, for someone to just put their arms around me and let me hide in them for a bit. Sometimes I joke about wanting one of those hug machines, because when I get really keyed up or sad, I just want something to stabilize my body. Since I don't have a hug machine or a hugger, I packed pillows up around myself, put an extra blanket on bed and Marla sealed me in by sleeping at the top of my head.

Friday, December 10, 2010

hit the wall hit the wall hit the wall

I'm exhausted.

Unfortunately, that doesn't mean much, since I still have a lot left to do in the immediate future. I have a 20 page annotated biblio that's due Monday afternoon, that I have not even approached "almost done" on. I have a 7-page final due for the bullshit class. I've done a bit of re-reading for that and taken about a page of notes. It'll come together fine. I just need to sit down and type it out, but every time I decide to just get it out of the way, my brain starts its slow-burn freakout about the bibliography and I go back to read/note-taking for that. I also have a load of stuff to do at work, so much that one of my doctors asked if I'd spent the night at her place to help her finish this stuff in exchange for some overtime cash money. I didn't say no.

I canceled a trip to Baton Rouge for Friday night that I've been planning for about 3 weeks. I almost let myself get talked back into going by some friends, but I can't justify it. I can't justify driving down there and spending money (because all I really want to do is get wonderfully, obliviously drunk) and time that I don't really have, especially when I'll probably be there the weekend after anyway. It hurts though, because  if there was ever a time that I wanted a break from reality, it's right now. I wanted to see music and dance and see all my friends and sleep on Christie's couch. I need some platonic love.

I've done really well at holding up so far, in the face of school/work stress + holiday/winter blues, but I can feel myself trying to slip into that place in my mind where I just want to be dark and dreary, mad and sad. I notice myself slipping into eating habits that are indicative of ED-land and I've made a concerted effort to put a stop to that immediately. I'm just kind of burnt out and I keep telling myself, "I will do this after Monday..." So far, that list consists of:
-Cleaning the house (this is kind of a nightmare at the moment)
-Get drinks with Ann
-Go to BR
-Write and mail Christmas cards
-Go thrift shopping for winter clothes (I've been cobbling together cold-weather outfits. Tonight, I wore leggings, a jersey summer skirt, an ACL t-shirt, a hoodie, a pashmina and flats to the library.)
-Go to the bank
-Figure out what I'm baking for Christmas (spoiler alert: if you get a present from me, it will be baked goods)
-Call my mom

I'm running on nervous energy right now (which probably has something to do with my recently-gone-to-shit sleeping habits--vicious cycle there), and I need it to last me just a little bit longer until I can crash.

Not everything is terrible though. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone who is coming into town for the holidays. Ann is already here, Phillip is in from China, Ravi and Devon will both be coming in around the end of the month. So the idea of fun soon kind of sustains me. The idea of getting done with classes and getting A's also sustains me.

So let's end on a good note. Marla is snuggling with me right now. My sweet neighbors (or "gaybors," as they refer to themselves) decked our 4-plex out for the holidays and it looks amazing. I bought this dress and it came in today and looks fantastic on. I'm going to wear it to a party that I'm attending as Alyson's date. I made amends (I think) with someone. I've been listening to Brendan Canning's "Something for All of Us" and it has been doing double duty as a walking/dancing and a study soundtrack. Check it:

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

"I like it all that way"

So, I wrote an article for called "Why I Volunteer." It actually took me much longer than I thought it would to write it because I realized, in the midst of it, that I had never quite thought about why I like to volunteer before. I'm happy with the way the article turned out though. I tried to keep it from getting too preachy.

This week has been insane but fun. Last night, A, B & C + me went out with our professor to Bruno's, where we had beers and talked about the ethics of humanism vs. those of religion. And we talked about silly stuff too :) The good doctor thinks I should be doing a Ph.D and waved away the list of reasons I gave him for why I'm NOT doing one right now (chief among them is my GPA). He wants me to come meet with him to discuss this, but considering he doesn't remember names from class to class (including those who have had him for multiple classes), I'm guessing that if I actually showed for our meeting, he'd have no idea what I was talking about.

I took off of work today because I have a paper to finish (that I'm so obviously working on!). Before coming to the library, B and I had coffee and stopped by the Maple Street Patisserie, where I had a pretty incredible guava jelly and cream cheese turnover. It was a nice way to spend the morning, before diving into some serious psychoanalysis. 

This Friday, A and I have plans to get eggnog daiquiris and go to Bed, Bath and Beyond in Metairie, in order to seek out a snowman that "pop, locks, and drops it" to Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz "Get Low." Nothing screams Christmas cheer like a snowman singing "aw skeet skeet, motherfucker!"