resolute

Earlier today, I was really down. I spent most of the day alternating between lying on the couch and lying on the bed, with a brief break for crying in the shower. I was upset about a lot of things, but mostly this feeling of being lost.

Yesterday, I sat down and explained to someone why I couldn't date them and, in the midst of that, I said "you can't tie all of your self worth to one person." It took me some wallowing today to realize that, as true as that is, I've been tying my own to this idea of being someone's girlfriend. I can't be someone's rebound, or their conquest, or really even a makeout partner. I want to be this good time girl, but I'm not in a place to do that, because when I am, I just end up wanting to be cared about. I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim, because god knows, I'm not. We all make our choices. But I keep making the wrong ones, because, I realize, I wanted them to lead to dating. And that is not a place I can commit myself to, even though I want to. Because I don't really think I'm ready or able to be someone's girlfriend right now. I still have some Me work left to do. I thought I had done that work but the last couple of weeks have made it pretty clear that I haven't.

I don't really do the whole New Year resolutions thing, because my resolution is always to try and be a better person, but I think part of that is taking care of myself and not getting so lost in other people and what I think they think of me. Not going crazy and losing my shit. Not trying to perpetuate relationships with people who could not give a fuck less.

By a twist of fate, I'm actually at home, after reneging on my original intention to stay home in favor of going out with some friends. I'm singing along with Neko Case and Tori Amos and Marla is snuggling with me. I might still end up going see some people, but it's nice to be alone, to be happy with being alone, and clear my head a little. Being okay with myself is more important than kissing someone at midnight.

Happy New Year :)