"but, I ain't all there/my head is gone, my brain is fried/and I'm standing right here"

These past few weeks have been a huge indulgence in nostalgia. I keep being reminded of things from years ago, whether through conversations with friends, songs, or finding old diary pages hidden in books. Maybe it's just seeing old friends again (even if they're not the same people I've been thinking about.)

Yesterday, Erin and I had a really good conversation, where she put a bunch of shit in perspective for me. I really miss having her around, being able to drive over to her house and lie on the couch and talk about nothing and everything for hours. At the risk of invoking a terrible cliche, I feel like she's one of the very few people who getsme. We just clicked. That's something rare and, for me, even rarer with women. She understands my actions better than I do sometimes. Like this:

Me: is it terrible of me that I kind of want to be alone for NYE?
I feel like you'd get that
and you'd understand it's not overly dramatic
Erin: nope
i support that 100%
Me: I don't know if it'll happen or if the pull of parties will get the better of me
Erin: i did that in 2006
if you recall
Me: but I kind of want to just get some wine and read a book
yeah, I do
Erin: yeah
NYE is a waste of time
basically
the best one i've had, besides one in asheville years ago, was that one i spent alone

Erin: being alone on nye is a good reboot, i think
gives you a purpose for the year
plus
you can get drunk without worries
Me: right
hahahaha
Erin: and not worry about crowds
and go to bed early
Me: it's just...this has been a rough year
and I like the idea of starting fresh
Erin: yes
exactly
that's why 2006-2007 new year's was so good for me
Me: I don't think I quite got it at the time, when you did it
I thought it was just depressing
but it's not
Erin: right
it does seem depressing if you've never been in that situation

Things weren't all melancholy though! Oh no, because I found some TREASURES while going through my book collection. Apparently, at some point, I must have suspected my mom of going through my diaries, so I tore pages out and hid them in various books. The thing is, I know there must be more because this stuff is pretty tame and I wrote about way worse shit in some of my diaries. I kind of wonder if I didn't donate some of those books to Goodwill. Anyhow, when I found these, after I finished peeing myself in laughter, I transcribed them for Erin:

Me: I'm about to list a bunch of books on FB for give away
I thought about selling them but I don't feel like bothering with it
I'm giving away American Psycho, to the chagrin of my male friends
but I can't fucking read that book
it's just too awful
Erin: yeah
no need to keep that one
Me: and I start to question my humanity when I'm reading passages about some dude kicking a shar-pei in the stomach until it dies
because it sniffed him
it just...turned my stomach
I shut the book and stopped reading
Erin: that sounds pretty disgusting
i couldn't do that either
Me: oh my god
I just found old diary pages
Erin: uh oh
Me: that I tore out and hid in my books
Erin: what

Me: hahaha 2001!
10:52- Friday
oh lord
boy issues
hahahahahaha
Erin: oh lord
ahaah
Me: oh MAN
are you ready for this?
Erin: uh oh
i dunno
Me: you are about to get some SRS TEENAGE ANGST
I wanted some dude to spend the night at my house (which uh, totally wasn't happening)
Erin: wait so you were like 16 then, right?
Me: "B said that even if his parents said OK and so did mine, that he still wouldn't come. I asked him why. He said that even though he was dating M, he would still at least try to get me to "do" something with him. He said sometimes he missed me. I miss him too sometimes. A lot as of late."
Me: yeah, 15 or 16
B was MY FIRST BOYFRIEND
who dumped me like like 3 times
this was after the 3rd time, when he was dating his ex again
Erin: a winner
Me: "I guess it's because he and M are having some problems. And when he talks about that, I guess it's like I get a little flicker or hope. Then, later on, he'll start talking about M again, and I'll feel bad. But I don't want to tell him so. I know B could never feel for me the love he feels for M."
Erin: yikes
angst^100
Me: hahahahahahaha
the next page, I start writing about some fight I had with a girl who was, at the time, my best friend
and who started dating B
like....6 months later
maybe 5
Erin: ugh
what a bitch!
Me: i KNOW
"Chad brought over 'Big Money Hustlas,' 'Rocky Mountain Picture Show,' and Orgazmo'"
ahahahahahhahaha
best.

Me: dude
hahahahahaha
Erin: oh my god
Me: so in the meantime! before K started dating B, I was dating B's friend, Chad
that other entry was from 1/26/01
this is 4/8/01
"I'm kinda depressed. I was REALLY depressed but that's subdued a bit. See...what happened was this...Last weekend, B came over. We kissed and stuff."
"and stuff" is definitely my way of saying we fooled around
"Well, I was planning on telling Chad. I was! But I got online right after. Ok, now it's 4/18 but I'll finish writing this and then say some more"
wtf, self
Erin: ahaha
and stuff
Me: "When I got online, I started talking to Chad and my friend S. I didn't want to tell Chad over the Internet, so I figured I'd tell him later. He asked me on there if B tried anything. I said no. Soon after that, S asked me if anything had happened between me and B. I told her there were a few kisses but nothing else. She copy and pasted it to Chad. When he told me he knew, I got offline and called him and B on three-way"
OH MAN
WHY DID I DO THAT.
"I told him there was only one kiss."
I am a liar.
Erin: ahaha
what
is this
Me: "We stayed together but we were both depressed."
Erin: nice

Me: S was this girl who live in Ill. who resented me for making out with W
because they had some sort of long distance love affair
so she was constantly trying to long distance hook up with my boyfriends
best relationships ever!
Erin: hahaahahahahaa

Me: I have got to go dig out this diary and find out what else happened!
not that I don't remember
but I don't remember being such a huge slut
hahahahaa
Erin: good call
Me: here's some from 1997-8!
2/15/1997: Dear Diary, Updates on latest crush. C is so fine. He got his hair cut in a bowl cut (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA) and it makes him look older."
Erin: bowl cut
what
Me: I am DYING
I can barely fucking breathe
Erin: ahhaah
nice
Me: SO FINE WITH HIS BOWL CUT
"Today, he was pretending he was going to murder me. He tied me up in the shed's attic and said he was going to rape me. He was just kidding of course. God, I wish he'd ask me out. I don't love him, but I like him a lot. Oh well. Bye!"
Erin: what
oh my god
Me: a) guess I got THOSE proclivities at an early age. b) rape me! just kidding! biggest crush evar!"
Erin: ahhaha
Me: "4-4-1998: Yesterday, at the Spring Dance, A.C. pressured me to dance with W.D. I told W '1 dance.' He likes me but I don't like him. After I danced with him, he wouldn't leave me alone so every time a slow song came on, I had to go across the gym! He's so annoying. I don't know what to do on monday. Oh well! Bye!"
wtf kind of sign off is that?
oh well!
bye!
we danced to Usher- Nice and Slow btw
I still remember it as a hugely humiliating moment
Erin: awwww
but probably the highlight of his life

Needless to say, I have some diary reading to do!