Wednesday, May 26, 2010

ideas for ideas

Lately I haven't posted here just because every time I start, it feels like whining, so I close it down.

Posts I've started and haven't finished:
-Songs for breaking up to (I will probably end up posting this anyway. Emo win.)
-Musing and amusing about a person who called me "fake" for being nice to him when he knew I didn't like him a long time ago and the application of that to a certain present-day situation
-Random "I'm moving" stuff
-Random "I'm breaking up" stuff
-Wailing about my inability/lack of desire to complete a project, thus stressing myself out unnecessarily
-Deciding whether or not to link this blog on my FB
-New York
-Missing people who are gone and going

Wasn't that refreshing?!

Sunday, May 9, 2010


Today I spent time with Erin, my mom and my grandma. It was a beautiful day, lots of cheer and laughing and I couldn't help thinking both about how lucky I am to have these amazing women in my life and to think about missing all of them in the coming months. There's always the opportunity to visit but I won't have that ability to just drive over when I need that company.

I've found that, as I've grown older, it's quite difficult for me to talk about my family beyond the polite or the anecdotal, to the point that I can't even think of a tag for this entry that I feel is suitable. In a way, some of my family life is so overwhelming, so ineffable, so precious to me that I have trouble relating it to any language. How to express how lovely and wonderful it was to spend time with them today, my beautiful grandmother telling stories about my now-dead grandfather, my dad telling us about his management seminars and being proud of him and part of that pride coming from his continual decision to battle his problems, my little brother telling me about Nikola Tesla with an enthusiasm and knowledge that I desperately wish he'd apply to his schoolwork, my mom, oh god, my mom, being this familial beacon, the total love I felt for all of it...I don't have words to tell that. It used to be easier when my emotions toward them were 2-D--anger, cheer, depression that turned everything a dirty gray blue (that's actually how I remember those periods...colored and smudgy, like looking through a dirty old window at twilight). Now, it's just this murky beautiful explosion.

Thursday, May 6, 2010


Maybe hives are my body's way of telling me that I'm repressing too many emotions. Or perhaps I'm just really really really stressed out.

What I do know is that I am itching a lot.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

when your friends aren't your friends

Two traits I hate most: treachery and dismissiveness.

Fuck this day so much.

Monday, May 3, 2010

oh, comrades.

I am pretty bad at making new friends. I've been pretty worried about this, in that way you abstractly worry about a thing without allowing it to reach the forefront of your mind because dealing with it is just slightly overwhelming. With both Erin and Ravi (these initials are too confusing) both leaving, with other friends moving on, I start to think about what I'll do about friendships.

Amusingly, I've had more than a few people tell me that they think I'm extroverted or good at meeting people or easygoing. In a way, that's true. I'm pretty good at talking to people, mostly as a coping mechanism that I like to refer to as "diarrhea of the mouth." Chances are, if I'm talking to you and we are not the best of friends, I am screaming in my mind "DON'T be AWKWARD. Why did you just SAY that? SHUT UP. Are they looking away? STOP FIDGETING. Look them in the eye. NO DON'T. FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF THIS. YOU SOUND IDIOTIC." Hours, even days, later, I will play our conversation back over in my head, fantasizing over what I could have said, thinking about how if that person ever talks to me again, they will feel obligated to do so. Even with those people who I am pretty sure like me, I still worry that they really don't and I'll get this little glimmer of cheer when those people notice me or talk to me, because I don't expect it. Parties are (usually) tense affairs for me, because it's all those emotions on crack. I will either sit in the corner or drink myself silly to deal.

I am fucking neurotic when it comes to these things.

A great example is aforementioned guy (from the last entry). I saw him before he saw me (I think?) and I tried to avoid him, while at the same time, wanting to talk to him (not out of romantic interest, but because I find this guy to be interesting and funny and I'd like to get to know him better. And, okay, he's cute.). I finally ended up spotting him and walking over and immediately excused my appearance and then he hugged me and my first thought was "That was nice. Did he do that because he felt like he had to or was he being affectionate?" We chatted and I related myself to 4 scenarios he described, which then made me feel like I was being a one-upper. I finally excused myself and practically ran away.

The thing is, it does not matter your gender. I probably do this with you unless your name is Erin or Ravi or you're closely related to me. Without sounding whiny, I go into most situations with the idea that people don't like me. I'm not implying that this is anyone's problem but my own, but it's such a shitty cycle, because when I decide not to talk to people, I start to worry that they think I'm being a bitch. Then I try to talk and I feel like everything I say is arrogant or confusing or plain stupid. Except, instead of stopping, I just keep going, trying to make things come around and make sense again (like this entry!). Hence, the chattiness.

I especially do this with Ravi's friends. Rav is such a popular guy and instead of seeing the situation as "His friends probably think you are awesome by extension," I just feel like people are being nice to me because I'm dating Ravi. It doesn't help that Ravi makes jokes to this effect. I know he's joking, but it always feels like there's a kernel of truth to it. I've "joked" that none of his friends are going to talk to me after he leaves and he replies with, "that's because they know you hate them." Dear Ravi's friends: I don't hate you. At all! I really enjoy you and if I act shifty around you, it's because I'm about to barf on my shoes from nervousness.

I hope this doesn't come off as "Please be my friend, please!"I spent a long time thinking about this entry and I'm already becoming horrified at how pathetic it sounds, but, more than anything, I want to get this out because it helps me put these issues in perspective when I can lay them out in this way. I don't really know what the solution to this problem is, beyond just getting over it, but I would really like to, not just because Rav and Erin are leaving, but because I feel like my neuroses are squandering my chances of getting close to some pretty great people.

I'm going to go barf on my shoes now.

Sunday, May 2, 2010


It figures that I would run into a cute guy while wearing rolled up pants, a shirt with holes in it and dog hair on it, no makeup, bangs styled by humidity, unshaven legs and after I'd been moving boxes and furniture. And then he hugged me.

Saturday, May 1, 2010


Since Facebook has decided to fuck shit up, I'm copy/pasting my profile here for safekeeping, in the inevitable event that it gets edited.

Networks: LSU Alum '08
Sex: Female
Current City: Baton Rouge, LA
Birthday: November 13, 1985
Hometown: Pride, LA
Relationship Status: In a Relationship with Ravi Davuluri
Looking For: Friendship
Political Views: Liberal
Religious Views:latent Catholicism/Literature

Likes and Interests

Activities: working, long walks, cooking, cat-wrangling, english majoring.

Interests: reading, writing, photography, poetry, vinyl (the musical kind), saying "seriously" way too much, superlatives, rarities, large amounts of pillows, english classes, boyfriend, naps.

Favorite Music: you know, most of it. Lacking the death metals.

Favorite TV Shows: Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, LOST, The Daily Show, The Colbert Report

Favorite Movies: Ghost World, The Virgin Suicides, Heathers, Frida, Donnie Darko, Natural Born Killers, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, Gummo, The Breakfast Club, Girl Interrupted, Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil, Big Fish, 28 Days Later, Napoleon Dynamite, American Beauty, Jawbreaker, Sideways, The Motorcycle Diaries, Like Water for Chocolate, Me, You and Everyone We Know, Amelie, RENT, more that I can't remember.

Favorite Books: The Discovery of Heaven, Critical Theory Since Plato, The Portable Dorothy Parker+ 20th century poetry (particularly the ladies) + a lot of short stories + some of the classics unless it's Melville or Hawthorne + the Russians + stuff you might not expect + omgwtf amount of books. My life plan is to read books for a living. Honestly though, way too many to list.

Favorite Quotations: What I fear most, I think, is the death of the imagination...If I sit still and don't do anything, the world goes on beating like a slack drum, without meaning. We must be moving, working, making dreams to run toward; the poverty of life without dreams is too horrible to imagine.
-Sylvia Plath

"I will have my serpent's tongue-- my woman's voice, my sexual voice, my poet's voice. I will overcome the tradition of silence."
-Gloria Anzaldua

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me, me
-Neutral Milk Hotel- "In The Aeroplane Over the Sea"

"Spring is still Spring. The atom bombs are piling up in the factories, the police are prowling through the cities, the lies are streaming from the loudspeakers, but the earth is still going round the sun, and neither the dictators nor the bureaucrats, deeply as they disapprove of the process, are able to prevent it."
-George Orwell

I dream a dream where man
No other man will scorn,
Where love will bless the earth
And peace its paths adorn.
-Langston Hughes- "I Dream A World"

Erin: i just got this message on myspace: dam boo u like a freak dats my type wats up?
Erin: i wrote him back: I am a freak for good spelling and grammar.

Katie: she ruined your childhood
Katie: hhaha
me: ahahahhaa
Katie: hahaha

Erin: oh my god
(the context of this doesn't matter)

public urination is always a strong candidate for ridiculous.
-Nancy Schmitt

Ravi: You should've thought about that before you bit me.

It is better to receive a flower from a casual friend than a can of succotash from a hoodlum.
-Erin M. Kyles.
About Me:
"If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn."
-Dorothy Parker, "Observation"

I like russian writers, italian food, indian boy, american poets and french music. I'm multi-cultural like that.

It occurs to me that I'm going to have to update a lot of this stuff anyway: network, current city, relationship status, about me. I still can't figure out when would be a good time to remove my relationship status (I don't feel like seeing "Single" just yet and I don't need the pity of FB), but I guess as long as R and I are sharing a house and bed, it should stay as is. This whole situation is, at times, difficult to wrap my mind around.