Today I spent time with Erin, my mom and my grandma. It was a beautiful day, lots of cheer and laughing and I couldn't help thinking both about how lucky I am to have these amazing women in my life and to think about missing all of them in the coming months. There's always the opportunity to visit but I won't have that ability to just drive over when I need that company.
I've found that, as I've grown older, it's quite difficult for me to talk about my family beyond the polite or the anecdotal, to the point that I can't even think of a tag for this entry that I feel is suitable. In a way, some of my family life is so overwhelming, so ineffable, so precious to me that I have trouble relating it to any language. How to express how lovely and wonderful it was to spend time with them today, my beautiful grandmother telling stories about my now-dead grandfather, my dad telling us about his management seminars and being proud of him and part of that pride coming from his continual decision to battle his problems, my little brother telling me about Nikola Tesla with an enthusiasm and knowledge that I desperately wish he'd apply to his schoolwork, my mom, oh god, my mom, being this familial beacon, the total love I felt for all of it...I don't have words to tell that. It used to be easier when my emotions toward them were 2-D--anger, cheer, depression that turned everything a dirty gray blue (that's actually how I remember those periods...colored and smudgy, like looking through a dirty old window at twilight). Now, it's just this murky beautiful explosion.