oh, comrades.

I am pretty bad at making new friends. I've been pretty worried about this, in that way you abstractly worry about a thing without allowing it to reach the forefront of your mind because dealing with it is just slightly overwhelming. With both Erin and Ravi (these initials are too confusing) both leaving, with other friends moving on, I start to think about what I'll do about friendships.

Amusingly, I've had more than a few people tell me that they think I'm extroverted or good at meeting people or easygoing. In a way, that's true. I'm pretty good at talking to people, mostly as a coping mechanism that I like to refer to as "diarrhea of the mouth." Chances are, if I'm talking to you and we are not the best of friends, I am screaming in my mind "DON'T be AWKWARD. Why did you just SAY that? SHUT UP. Are they looking away? STOP FIDGETING. Look them in the eye. NO DON'T. FIND A WAY TO GET OUT OF THIS. YOU SOUND IDIOTIC." Hours, even days, later, I will play our conversation back over in my head, fantasizing over what I could have said, thinking about how if that person ever talks to me again, they will feel obligated to do so. Even with those people who I am pretty sure like me, I still worry that they really don't and I'll get this little glimmer of cheer when those people notice me or talk to me, because I don't expect it. Parties are (usually) tense affairs for me, because it's all those emotions on crack. I will either sit in the corner or drink myself silly to deal.

I am fucking neurotic when it comes to these things.

A great example is aforementioned guy (from the last entry). I saw him before he saw me (I think?) and I tried to avoid him, while at the same time, wanting to talk to him (not out of romantic interest, but because I find this guy to be interesting and funny and I'd like to get to know him better. And, okay, he's cute.). I finally ended up spotting him and walking over and immediately excused my appearance and then he hugged me and my first thought was "That was nice. Did he do that because he felt like he had to or was he being affectionate?" We chatted and I related myself to 4 scenarios he described, which then made me feel like I was being a one-upper. I finally excused myself and practically ran away.

The thing is, it does not matter your gender. I probably do this with you unless your name is Erin or Ravi or you're closely related to me. Without sounding whiny, I go into most situations with the idea that people don't like me. I'm not implying that this is anyone's problem but my own, but it's such a shitty cycle, because when I decide not to talk to people, I start to worry that they think I'm being a bitch. Then I try to talk and I feel like everything I say is arrogant or confusing or plain stupid. Except, instead of stopping, I just keep going, trying to make things come around and make sense again (like this entry!). Hence, the chattiness.

I especially do this with Ravi's friends. Rav is such a popular guy and instead of seeing the situation as "His friends probably think you are awesome by extension," I just feel like people are being nice to me because I'm dating Ravi. It doesn't help that Ravi makes jokes to this effect. I know he's joking, but it always feels like there's a kernel of truth to it. I've "joked" that none of his friends are going to talk to me after he leaves and he replies with, "that's because they know you hate them." Dear Ravi's friends: I don't hate you. At all! I really enjoy you and if I act shifty around you, it's because I'm about to barf on my shoes from nervousness.

I hope this doesn't come off as "Please be my friend, please!"I spent a long time thinking about this entry and I'm already becoming horrified at how pathetic it sounds, but, more than anything, I want to get this out because it helps me put these issues in perspective when I can lay them out in this way. I don't really know what the solution to this problem is, beyond just getting over it, but I would really like to, not just because Rav and Erin are leaving, but because I feel like my neuroses are squandering my chances of getting close to some pretty great people.

I'm going to go barf on my shoes now.