oh flutter flutter

A young man is trying to woo me. I don't even know how to act, y'all.

days of the week

These are the items on my calendar from the last week:
-St. Patrick's Day Parade: BR (bike riding)
-FroYo w/ Christie & Blair
-Studying w/ Blair @ Highland
-Mark Twain CT Yankee Discussion
-Ice Cream/Drinks w/ Blair
-GET "BODIES THAT MATTER" from bookstore (thanks Maple Street Bookstore!)
-Butler: Gender Trouble, Bodies That Matter, Excitable Speech excerpts/ PROSPECTUS and BIBLIO DUE.
-Drinks w/ Eric @ Cooter Brown's
-James Buchanan party w/ Shelby
-Drinks/Feufollet @ Blue Nile
-Brunch w/ Nancy @ Oak St. Cafe
-Daiquiris w/ Taylor
-Drinks w/ Shelby + others @ Balcony Bar
-Write GoodNola article
-Chinese w/ Shelby, Taylor and Sara

I got referred to as a regular at Z'otz. Plans are in the making for hiking, camping trips and beach trips. I spent 2 hours on a blanket in my yard on Saturday. It's been good times round these parts. Some pics:

Shelby and I at the celebration of the 150th anniversary of President James Buchanan's (background) inauguration.

In the Marigny, post-ball, drinking whiskey. I emailed this photo to my parents with the following note:
"Just wanted to let you know that your daughter drinks whiskey on street corners in her old prom dress :) Promise I'm doing well! <3

My dad wrote back:
"Dammit Mandi, you better behave."

shame

This was me for a very long time. It's still something I deal with from time to time but I'm luck that, with love and therapy, I am so much happier with myself and my body. I hope that person is able to find some sense of self worth that enables them to feel loved at any size.

this went nowhere.

Mandi: goddammit.
I am incapable of not being a total dipshit
there is this hot hot hot barista at Z'otz
he's gotten where he gives me large coffees for the price of a small
and just now, I went to ask for the wireless password and he said "are you reading judith butler?"
and I said "oh yeah" *feet shuffling*
and he said "I didn't know anybody read her anymore...that was back when I was a kid" (this guy is no way older than 32 or so)
and I was like "oh yeah I'm uh just like writing a paper" (then I made some weird hidey-ho gesture with my arms)
and then kind of walked away and turned back and said "but I mean, I like her!"
and he said "oh uh..yeah"
and now I'm facing him from across the shop and I can feel this awkward look on my face
Christie: AHAHAHA
i don't mean to be amused by your awkward trumbles
Me: god, I suck.
hahahahahaha
but you are
and so am I
C: they are funny

C: go back up there and ask him what he likes about judith butler
Me: god no
C: fuck yeah
why not?
Me: you are so brave
and I am so not brave
because I think you imagine me just sliding up there like "so what is it you like about butler?" and then slickly discussing theories of performativity
when in reality, I'd kind of shuffle up and be like "so uh what do you like about butler?" and he'd be all "um..."
C: it doesn't have to be slick
as long as it's mandi
whaddaya got to lose?
Me: my dignity

"ain't it strange that I'm a human being"

I've been listening to this song on repeat for the last week.

best

Sometimes Alyson sends me a Lenten reflection. I'm still pretty at odds with the whole religion idea, but I like the non-preachy aspect of these. I think I like reading them with the curiosity with which I'd read a blog...I'm interested to see a personal application of these verses. I liked the one today:

Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me. Ps 51:3-4

A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your holy spirit take not from me. Ps 51:12-13

I can never read this psalm the same way I did before November 2006, when a friend of mine committed suicide. Somehow this psalm and his death are connected in both my heart and soul. You see, he was a wonderful man, loved by many, and also troubled in spirit. He would often say he was always conscious of his sins and that God was right in judging him; but, oh, how we loved him!
This Lent I too am aware of my sins: how easy it is to stray, to be mean spirited and unaware of the pain of others when we are living our own difficulties. And yet these days call us to move beyond ourselves, to become our “best selves” so that we too may experience the joy that comes from God’s salvation.

This Lent I will honor my friend’s memory by loving more freely, by refraining from any judgments so that I can indeed be my “best self.” I know that I will need to be constantly aware of God’s grace showering me with opportunities to turn back to the one who loves me unconditionally. (from here)

In the end, I think that's what life...what being a human...is about: being the best person you can be and trying to see the best in others, even when they don't extend you that same courtesy. Living a life that is good and reflecting positively on others. It's a valuable lesson to learn, even if it's one I'm constantly relearning.

bites

Friday evening, Alyson and I had what was supposed to be a quick dinner at Mona's, that ended up being an intense 2 hour conversation. I went to Z'OTZ afterward and later, she met me there and we cleaned up our Facebook friends lists (I'm forever deleting people that I no longer interact with) and laughed at how silly we were to spend Friday night surfing our Facebooks in a coffeeshop. I really value her friendship and the fact that I've been able to make and keep that kind of connection with someone. We're both sort of insane, but we throw our crazy together and, somehow, it works.

Saturday, I biked to Whole Foods and back. It was 6 miles (I went the long, safer, less pothole-studded route), the longest bike ride I've taken in New Orleans. It was pretty invigorating. I did another 2.5 miles later that evening. Did some more z'otzing, before bowling with Alyson and a bunch of people I'd never met before. Actually had fun! Got hit on by a lawyer, ignored it because I don't know how to respond to flirtation unless I'm lit, was teased by Alyson.

Sunday? I had plans to do a lot but I woke up, laid in bed, washed my hair, took a nap. Had a long and productive conversation with Ravi about my tendency to be incredibly negative when I'm sad (and about my sex life, which was weird but liberating) and then hung out with my drunk neighbors. S made us dinner, we all drank beer and had a singalong and we planned to try and have a block party around Cinco De Mayo.

Today, I was tired. Bone deep exhaustion that hit me so hard that I was quivering in class until Alyson reminded me that a PJ's was across the quad. Some coffee and a croissant helped. I came home and tried to not eat, after the croissant but I ended up scarfing protein in a weird way: veggie burger patty, topped with sauteed red onion, cheese, jalapenos and a poached egg, with a side of ketchup. It was amazing. I had a fingerful of nutella for dessert.

I'm Southern. Happiness in food terms, meal break downs.

an Apollinaire poem!

The Gypsy (La tzigane)

The gypsy knew in advance
Our two lives star-crossed by night
We said farewell to her and then
from that deep well Hope began

Love heavy a performing bear
Danced upright when we wanted
And the blue bird lost his plumes
And the beggars lost their Ave

We knew quite well that we were damned
But hope of love in the street
Made us think hand in hand
Of what the Gypsy did foresee

connect the dotz

I'm at Z'OTZ for the 4th time this week. I've been to Z'OTZ a number of times before this, for the cheapo iced coffee, but I'd never stayed and sat. Once I did, on Lundi Gras, I kind of fell in love and I've been here every night this week except Mardi Gras. I still love the Rue, but Z'OTZ feels more communal. It's a warm little place and I chatted with the barista about The Pogues and shitty tippers while she made my coffee, which is something that wouldn't happen to me at Rue. Plus, back patio.

I've been playing catch up this week. Paid a bunch of bills, allotted finances, read a bunch of school work. Made some plans--drinks at The Saint, bowling, some shows, some hanging out, a potluck. I've also been riding my bike almost everywhere, partly because of the excellent weather and partly because I had a very low tire on my car. Which leads me to...

...found an excellent new panhandling scheme: hanging out at the Air/Vacuum pumps at gas stations. They know you have change! You can't pull the whole "just got a credit card on me" thing. I drove with fingers crossed to work today (the tire was puddling) and then, after, went to 3 gas stations before finding an air pump that didn't have a few bums around it. So I pull in, start filling my tire with air and feel someone pulling the hose out for me. I guess the bum for that station had briefly abandoned post but hurried back. Afterward, he kind of gave me an expectant look, so I waved and drove off. And now I feel like an asshole, so I'm going to donate to a homeless shelter.

On Ash Wednesday, I went to Mass with Alyson and we got ashes. I haven't been to Mass in 2 years and I haven't been to an AW mass since I was...18? Lately, I've been toying with the idea of revisiting church. I don't really know why...there are some pretty solid reasons I left Catholic church and frankly, I still question exactly what my spiritual beliefs are. But I figured it wasn't going to do any harm to indulge that curiosity and it didn't. It was nice to go through the motions, to hear a good homily, to be there with Alyson and to get ashes that symbolize clearing out the old and nurturing the new and good. That's a message I can get behind.

mardi gras 2011

Friday:
-Drove into Baton Rouge, met Nelson and Christie at Red Star.
-Ate Taco Bell at 2:00am with Christie
-Drink count: 2 whiskeys

Saturday:
-Rain + Spanish Town parade
-Text from Kimberly: “BR is under tornado watch. Are you still doing Spanish Town?” Me: “I NEVER MISS SPANISH TOWN.”
-Ross, Peter and Scott meetup. Hounddogs for pool and more drinking
-Found Nelson and took him wandering
-Foiled opportunity for crawfish
-Georges for sandwiches and beer + The Goonies on ABC Family
-Nap at Blair and Peter’s apartment before drive home to NOLA
-Grocery shopping with Nelson at 11:30
-Meet up with Alyson and Cain at Pal’s
-Move party to Mid-City Yacht Club
-Watched weird Girls Gone Wild-esque videos at the bar until 3:30am
-Drink count: 2 Abita Strawberry Harvest, 12 oz. cup of vodka soaked gummy bears, Jello shot, Blood Mary, vodka + Gatorade, High Life, Sangria, Abita Amber

Sunday:
-Woke up at 9am to make king cakes
-Made 2 delicious Nutella cream cheese-filled cakes
-Peter arrived in NOLA
-Vodka + Gatorade
-Ridiculous driving escapades. Almost-wreck count: 7
-Parking on Danneel and Josephine after an hour of driving around. Assisted by group of people who asked us for some kush
-Unexpected Krewe of Thoth
-Box of Wine parade
-Wine consumed out of fake manbreasts
-Meetup with Eric
-Safety Gras rules outlined
-Missed most of Chewbacchus waiting in bathroom line at Igor’s
-Followed end of Chewbacchus with band playing the Imperial March and us playing air guitar
-Lots of wandering, trying to find people/a party, catching beads
-Miles and miles of walking around uptown
-Crawling in someone’s hedge to pee
-Shady Kwicky Mart experience where someone tried to sell me some coke
-Delachaise for fish and chips, chalkboard falling on Peter’s head, free food, random gay guy telling Peter and I that we were meant for each other, watching Endymion from windows before deciding to go outside
-20 pound bag of beads flying at my head. Girl tries to take them before telling me, “Well if you REALLY want them, you can just have them.”Me: “I mean, I kind of do.”
-Peter and I victoriously lugging beads 19 blocks back to car
-Mimi’s and meeting up with Eddie + Jason after they walked from the Convention Center to the Marigny
-Calling 911 for an awful wreck and being put on hold; finding Eddie’s car
-Sleepover!
-Drink Count: vodka + Gatorade, 2 High Lifes, Restoration Ale

Monday:
-Nelson back to Arkansas, Eddie and Jason back to BR
-Little Tokyo with Peter
-Nap
-Christie and Blair arrive
-Neighbors’ friend shows up with 2 black eyes and can’t find people. Drama ensues
-Walk to Z’OTZ for iced coffee
-Drama continues to ensue, 6 phone calls from neighbors
-Walk home; drama ends
-Eddie and Ross arrive
-Scrambled eggs for Blair
-Eric arrives/leaves
-Pal’s for air hockey, free food, drinking, finding and friending another Mandi, new nicknames
-Mimi’s again for pool, brass band dancing, potatoes, Blair being hilariously lewd
-Marigny singalong
-Bob’s house
-Leaving Blair and Ross to party while me + Christie + Peter +Eddie went home, scrambled more eggs, ate leftover noodles and went to sleep
-Drink count: vodka + orange juice, High Life, 2 gingeritas, ½ NOLA Hopitoulas

Tuesday:
-Blair and Ross arrive back at 9am
-Miss all parades due to sleeping
-Rouse everyone to go party, get grumbled at
-Bud’s Broiler for burgin’
-Food coma, everyone sleeps on floor
-Blair leaves
-Cooter Brown’s for Eric meetup, beers, oysters
-Chatted, ate, drank outside while it rained
-Tentative plans for Spring Break beach camping trip
-Hugs, kisses, everyone goes home
-Glorious, glorious sleep
-Drink count: 2 Abita Ambers

101 in 1001- February update

16) Donate $100 a year to charity.
*Note: By "a year," I meant the years as defined by when I started this list. So that would be July-July.
$25- Planned Parenthood

19) Read one unassigned book per month.
February '11- Terry Moore Strangers in Paradise, Vol. 1
Nancy recommended this graphic novel to me and I really really enjoyed it. It does a good job of meshing adventerous, crazy situations with genuine emotion. Nancy is bringing me Volume 2 today and I plan on devouring it.

24) Learn 1 new word a week.
Vivipary- Development of the embryo inside the body of the mother, leading to live birth. (Feb. wk. 1)
Semioclasm- "Sign breaking;" the defiling of the sacred status of signs. (from Barthes) (Feb. wk. 2)
Etiolated- Having lost vigor or substance; feeble. (Feb. wk. 3)
Verdictive- A speech act whereby a judgment is issued. (Feb. wk. 4)

88) Go to all the major Mardi Gras Parades
Krewe du Vieux