something tastes different/maybe it's my tongue...

...something tastes different/suddenly I'm not so young.

I've been awash in so many goings on, both in and out of my own mind, that I've been too inundated to do much more than keep my head above water, show up at obligations, drink the more-often-than-occasional whiskey, have important conversations, and occasionally zone out at Z'otz. Which is where I currently am, sipping an iced lavender mocha, because sometimes a girl needs a fancy drink to type out her pithy thoughts.

Getting engaged has really messed with my psyche, y'all. On so many levels. One of them is coping with the idea of getting engaged. When Ravi and I broke up, it was partly because he was steadfastly opposed to the idea of ever getting married. I never thought I was ready to get married when we were together, but I thought for certain it was in my future. And somewhere along the way, I stopped believing that. I don't mean that in a morose way. I mean, I lost the insistent belief that I would one day get married. Even when Richie and I decided we wanted to get married, even when we got the rings from my parents and had them repaired, even when I gave them to him, knowing their purpose...I never fully embraced the idea that I was now someone who wanted to get married. The morning Richie proposed, I told Erin, Christie, and A.L. how BIZARRE it felt. How I had honestly asked Richie to repeat the proposal, because I felt like I'd flubbed it (my response was a slack-jawed "umm...okay. yes. okay. I'm sorry, I totally screwed that up.")

Every day, I ask myself if this is something I want to do. I know that sounds awful, but I think that's a question worth asking. An affirmation, if you will. Because the answer is always yes. I just need to...familiarize myself with the situation. But on the other hand, there is the pressure of bliss. As in, I feel like a fraud for not being constantly blissed out about my engaged state. I'm not. I'm happy, I'm excited, I think about other things, I am occasionally sad, I'm indulging in nostalgia on unprecedented levels, I'm opening what are apparently some delicately healed wounds with regards to my family, I'm on flirting with some dangerous thoughts in regards to eating habits (but working very hard to keep them in check). I am a bundle of emotions. I suppose it makes sense that I've spent a lot of time reflecting on my early college years, because that's the last time I really felt that exhilarating mix of joy and depression. 

Because, there is something sad about going into another chapter. I try and tell myself that I'm still me, that I don't change in relation to my married state, and that's fine, but it's still A Big Change. I want to honor that and I feel like honoring that comes with a certain amount of pathos. 

Along with all that are a slew of other weddings, travel, wedding planning, the truly nightmarish task of shopping for a wedding dress (which has pushed me to accept A.L.'s offer to make my wedding dress), my hair is falling out (no, for real. like, bald spot falling out!), being really busy (but really happy) at work, trying to carve out time to be a well-rounded person (i.e. I read books late into the night and don't get enough sleep), yelling at myself for falling prey to the rat race of corporate life, still being happy, dancing to the point of dehydration at wedding receptions, filming silent movies, feeling guilty about missing out on dance parties and dinners, feeling guilty about not writing here, having so much on my mind that writing here seemed impossible...you know. All that. 

I don't know who still reads this (or who is still reading this truly mangled entry), but if you are, thanks. Maybe now that I've barfed all over the page, I'll feel a little less like there's too much for me to even get into here. I hope it's like getting back in the habit of writing in general...you get all the bullshit out of the way, so you can get to the good stuff. (This is why you should never turn in your first draft of a paper! Unless you're me and you procrastinate, then stay up rewriting the same paragraph five times. But don't do that. It gives you ulcers.) 

controlled love

"Which brings us to love. According to Sean Penn, he is a victim of love:

'There is no shame in my saying that we all want to be loved by someone. As I look back over my life in romance, I don't feel I've ever had that. I have been the only one that was unaware of the fraud in a few of these circumstances blindly. When you get divorced, all the truths that come out, you sit there and you go, What the fuck was I doing? What was I doing believing that this person was invested in this way? Which is a fantastically strong humiliation in the best sense. It can make somebody very bitter and very hard and closed off, but I find it does the opposite to me.'

He is presumably referring to Robin Wright. And if you take him at his word, he was deceived into believing that she truly loved him, that she was fully engaged in their relationship. Evidently, according to his version of events, he was there, he was in it, he was the fool, he fell for her “fraud”, and in the end, he was blindsided by her general, overall lacking (noun). In the end, he finds her to have been lacking in love.

Replace Robin Wright with Katie Holmes and Sean Penn with Tom Cruise and it’s the same situation: megalomania.

Isn’t it always the ultimate narcissistic who believes that he did all the giving and was never properly compensated? And the one who holds you emotionally hostage during the relationship with all of his needing to be loved? If you’ve ever been in this position, you know, it’s intensely manipulative, and sometimes frighteningly so. This is a form of control under the guise of need. He uses his need as power; his need makes him RIGHT, and therefore the person who’s depriving him is WRONG, and he’ll f-cking lord that over her for as long as possible."
 (from this Lainey Gossip piece)

Here are two old post from abusive ex:
"At the beginning of my emotional valley, you counselled others to leave me alone, even though I obviously wanted human interaction. I find it hard to believe that you thought I wanted solitude, when almost the entire union of our existences had been about sharing space with others. But I gave you the benefit of the doubt, thinking that you must have had my interests at heart, though you were misguided.

Toward the depths of that valley, I reached out to you. Much like I did the day in my youth when I nearly drowned at the water park. A hand, outstretched, grasping at anything to help keep me afloat. But the outcomes were totally different. On that summer day my hand found a raft, steered there by an unknown kid I will forever be grateful to. When I reached out to you, you told me a raft was coming... but none materialized. For two weeks, I waited expectantly for any signs, and found none.

I didn't think it was that big of a request... a couple of hours once a week. Something to break up the monotony of living alone, being alone. I have pretty much reconciled myself to never finding out what happened and why. Two weeks later, when you approached me as though nothing had happened, I was dumbstruck. I really couldn't believe that you would ignore me, ignore my plea, ignore your agreement, but then act as though nothing had happened. I will admit that I did not handle that night very well... Then again, there have been entire years you have ignored me, since.

A number of months later, I saw you reach out. You were in a similar situation, or at least you seemed to be reaching from the same place I reached. So I imagine that you know how I felt. I sincerely hope that the respondents to your call did not ignore you.

It is a terrible feeling.

I have been counselled to forgive you, but I cannot let this go yet. Not without an apology and some acknowledgement. And maybe some time on top of that. This cut too deep."

"I have some pretty high standards when it comes to those around me. Part of that comes from how selfless I can be, myself. So when someone I respect violates those standards, I feel hurt. My natural reaction is to remove that person from the position where they could hurt me. So I shove away many people because of mistakes, oversights, or just plain not caring about me as much as I'd hope they would.

This leads to a lonely existence, but one where the few interactions I have are rich and full. However, it cannot lead to a sense of camaraderie which, almost by definition, includes many others."

Ugh, I need a shower.

Upward Mobility

This is mostly just a silly post I'm using to test the Blogger mobile app.
Tonight, I went grocery shopping then cooked food for the week. Fish, kale, potato and tomato chowder, stuff for veg curry, and a potato and.feta tart. Wheat toast with nutella and half a banana for dessert. I also washed the veritable shitton of dirty dishes and now the skin on my hands feels stiff and weird.
Here's a pic of Richie and me I took the other day:

"A disposition fell over me"

You know when you're so sick that you reach that dazed state where you feel like you'll never not feel this awful? I felt like that this morning. I have bronchitis and, on top of that, a sinus infection (and suddenly, out of left field, a sore throat that is hopefully from sinus drip and not a manifestation of some other ugliness). I'm going on Day 5 of sickness. Every other morning, I've felt progressively worse, so when I woke up this morning and DIDN'T feel like I had 50 pounds of mud sitting in my chest, I thought I was getting better. But it crept up on me, and I ended up having a coughing spell so bad that, when I tried to get up and go get water, I nearly fell into the kitchen counter and my knees buckled from dizziness. Richie admonished me and led me back to bed, where I spent the next 3 hours. I'm at Z'otz now, drinking honey-spiked lemon ginger tea and trying to avoid others while I do thesis work (or, you know, procrastinate.)

I finished all of my Ph.D applications, so at least I don't have that to worry about anymore, unless I don't get accepted anywhere. And maybe not even then. I called my dad about some car problems (more on that in a second) and he asked me about the Ph.D stuff. My parents both REALLY want me to go to LSU because they don't want me to leave home, but I keep trying to impress upon them how much a Ph.D program matters for later job prospects. It's a little amusing, in a way, because when I've gotten down about this whole business, particularly the "getting a job afterwards" part, they've both been practically appalled that I would dare question my own ability. My parents believe in me a lot more than I believe in myself, which is sort of annoying in its way, because they're so naive about all of this. To my concerns about a job, my mom said, "You can always be a writer!" I asked, "A writer of WHAT?" "I don't know, like a journalist?" *headdesk* Nevertheless, as much as they can upset me, I also appreciate their unwavering support. Thank god for people in my life that have put up with me while I've continually stressed, complained, rent clothing, etc.

In the end, I applied to 3 English programs and 3 WGS programs. LSU, Stanford, and Vandy for English and OSU, Rutgers, and Indiana for WGS. I'd be happy to get into any of them, especially (obviously), Stanford. I thought I'd end up applying to some cop-out schools, but when it came down to it I decided that I was just going to go for it and apply to places I really want to attend. The thing is, I still have a fair amount of ambivalence when it comes to the Ph.D. I applied, in the end, because I felt like I owed it to myself to take the chance. I feel like I would regret it if I waited or didn't do it at all. If I don't get in, I will probably still find a job I'm more interested in and I'll bum around New Orleans a little longer.

This no longer fits with the rest of this post but since I mentioned it above, my car is quickly falling apart. The radiator is malfunctioning again (after months of dealing with this last year), someone busted the glass in my side view mirror, the passenger side inside door handle came off (making it the second handle-less door in the car, the first being the driver's door), the airbag sensor light keeps flashing at me and a parking light is out. I'm tempted to go drive it to the projects, leave the keys in the ignition, and claim the insurance money.

I suppose that's enough procrastinating for now. Back to the grind and here's hoping I don't blow out my bronchial tubes.

simply perfect

Today, I woke up curled up with Richie on Christie's couch. I spent the next hour alternately reading and napping until Josh woke up and made us coffee in a measuring cup. Christie came home and we all ate eggs and spinach and yogurt and cold leftover veggie stew. Richie commented that my shirt was completely see-through, to which I replied, "Everyone here has seen my tits anyway."

Christie left, I dropped Richie off to do some gathering up at his old house and Josh and I had coffee at Highland. We had a really great talk while I painted my fingernails mustard colored.

Josh left, I picked up Richie, got my car washed, then we went to the Baton Rouge Gallery and browsed the Surrealist art show. I found an artist I was interested in. The guy at the desk told me her work was on Etsy for a quarter of the price being charged in the gallery.

Richie and I took a long stroll around City Park, stopping to climb in old oak trees and take photos of ducks. Right now, we're at Garden District Coffee where I'm drinking Earl Grey and he's napping on a jacket. We're killing time until we go watch the Saints game with friends.

Sometimes, there are days that are so perfect in their simplicity.

things to make you cackle

the minimum

me: boobs. stupid face. arbor mist in a bag.

Alyson:  OMG BEST PHOTO EVA

 

Taken: At the Fly on a day when we had lots of other things to do but didn't want to do them so instead drove to the river with screwtop wine (because we forgot the corkscrew) and some guitars and made up songs about random things until the sun went down.

lipstick chronicles

In my quest to find a lipstick (#25), I've been trying various shades. So far, I've test run three (not counting the Black Honey "Almost Lipstick" because that's really not much more than a tinted gloss) and every day I try a new one, I take a pic on my phone and text it to Erin for an opinion. Here are the colors, so far (keep in mind these are morning photos, taken on a camera phone under florescent lighting, i.e. not that great or flattering):

(obviously a pre-coffee photo)
Lipstick: Revlon "Just Enough Buff"
Comments: I expected this to be more of a matte color than it actually is (think 60's really nude lips + smoky eye) but I do like it a lot. But it doesn't wear incredibly well and I notice that sometimes it photographs almost orange or salmon-y. It also takes at least 4 coats of lipstick to get the color in the photo.
Convo w/ Erin:
me: so you know how I'm always searching for a good lipstick?
Erin: yes
me: I bought one yesterday
and, you are going to laugh at me
Erin: oh boy
pins and needles
me: (sent link) 
Erin: in that color?
me: yes
Erin: what do you like about it?
i can't see that being your chosen color
is that why you said i'll laugh?
me: yes
ahhaaha
it's a nude
Erin: yeah
i'm sure it looks nice
me: I dunno. I think it's pretty with my dark eye makeup
Erin: i would be disconcerted to see you wearing that
me: it's not like...no lips nude
hold on, I'll take a pic
I almost did get a real nudebut I didn't want to look lipless
sent!
Erin: wow, i like it!
i like it a loti'm surprised
maybe everyone should just wear nude
me: ahhaahahhaa
I do think it's a pretty classic look
Erin: yeah
not whorey
me: I'm still on the search for an actual color
and maybe a better nude (this one doesn't last that long)
but in the meantime, I'm enjoying it

Lipstick: Revlon "In The Red"
Comments: I chose this color because Jezebel.com said it was a red that looks good on everyone and I like the red lip trend. When I first put it on, it felt very garish. It took a few coats before it got to a shade I was okay with and I definitely think it's a color that needs a liner with it to keep it from looking smeared on. I had a few issues with bleeding at the corners. It's a matte shade and stayed on pretty well but it also dried out my lips and, when it did wear, would leave my lips looking stripy because it would stay built up in the cracks of my lips. Unlike some other mattes I've tried, it came off easily with water and a teensy bit of scrubbing. I'm not sure I wouldn't have minded it staining a bit more. It also smudged on EVERYTHING but I've never used a lipstick that didn't leave marks...these were just more noticeable because of the color. Overall, I'd wear this color again, but definitely not an everyday go to.
Convo with Erin:
me: okay this morning, I decided to try red lipstick
it was one that jezebel recommended as being perfect for all skin tones
I'm not totally convinced
but, you know me, I feel like pink is garish on me so red feels like clown
Erin: true
was it MAC?
me: I texted you a pic
no, revlon 007
Erin: because my friend kristine has that, and it works for everyone
i haven't seen the pic yet
i get weird reception in here
me: the real name is "In The Red"
I think the real problem is that I need lip liner
Erin: hrm
maybe
me: but I also don't love the color
I'm finishing up my makeup, then I'll take another pic
Erin: ahahha
ok
me: sent
and posted on FB
looks somewhat better
Erin: hhahah i got them both at he same time
me: hahaha
there is a marked improvement in the second one
Erin: yeah the second one is better
you can't do that bright/strong of a color without balancing out the rest of your face
me: yeah
though I feel the black eyeliner might be too heavy with the red lipstick
I tried to smudge it but it's new so it went on heavy
do you like the red in general?
I trust you to give me an honest opinion
Erin: i do
i think it's a fun look
if you find the right combo of everything, it'll be fine

Lipstick: Benefit "Rocket Pop"
Comments: I really like this color but there's something about it I don't LOVE. I don't know if it's because of how closely it mimics my natural lip color or if it's because I don't look awesome today (I either need a new flat iron or I needs to stop straightening my hair) but while I theoretically like this lipstick better than the red, I prefer the way the red made me look. This lipstick doesn't have the best staying power (though I don't think it soaks in/wears off as much or as fast as the nude does), but it does make my lips feel amazing. It's like putting colored lip balm on, without the thickness. It also offers good color and coverage in one coat of lipstick, which neither or the Revlon colors did.
Convo with Erin:
me:  benefit lipsticks are incredibly moisturizing

Erin:  oooh good to know

me:  not sure so much about their staying power but they feel good on my lips

Erin:  let me know

i may need to get into some lipstick

me:  I just put this one on

so we'll see

trying pink today

light pink

as in, not much different than the color of my lips pink

Erin:  right

i can deal with that kind of pink

me:  I'll send a pic soon

ahahaha

new lipstick every day!

Erin:  haha

i like that

i may like that better than the red

at least for every day, normal wear

me:  yeah

how about better than the nude?

Erin:  no, i like the touch of color 

me:  okay. so far this is the best contender.

Erin:  heee, sweet

yin yang

Good: Radio Bar visit on Friday
Bad: Horrible sinus infection= no sleep
Good: Chinese buffet, mailing a birthday present
Bad: Stuck in tailgating traffic, Richie screaming at a cop, having a miserable headache from sinus issues and lack of sleep
Good: Nap in Christie's bed, party with friends, Fleur de Lis pizza, lots of beer, eating Louie's in bed
Bad: More shitty sleep, being a fat ass, another headache
Good: Coffee outside at Highland
Bad: Stupid fucks at Subway
Good: Reading while cuddled up on a couch with two puppies, more partying, some cute pictures, seeing parents
Bad: Washing a cat pee covered blanket, telling Richie the entire abusive ex story (maybe more on this later), getting heartburn as a result
Good: Looking at old pictures, snuggles
Bad: A UTI. Jesus, vagina. Really?
Good: Spooning, Richie officially moved to NOLA.

why don't you sit right down and make me smile

Lately I feel like my life is this constant cycle of getting really fucking stressed out, having a few brief moments of clarity, then sinking back under. Or, for a more-than-cliched metaphor, I feel like I keep breaking the water and sinking back under.

In this past week, my radiator has gone out twice. I've been reduced to carrying gallons of water and a roll of paper towels in my car. It is chugging along with water and prayer. I'm thinking the radiator will need to be replaced next week, which means getting it to Baton Rouge.

My mom has had the first round of injections in her back for pain management of her arthritis and a slipped disc that is causing some nerve damage.

The family dog has cancer. A surgery was performed last week to remove a tumor but biopsy results have come back and shown that they didn't get all of it, so they have to go deeper. The dog is 2. My parents are devastated.

Um, I gained like 4 or 5 pounds. Not a big deal in the scheme of things but I'm already stressed so, you know.

A very dear friend is having some heart problems, right on the heels of her mother having a health scare. My childhood best friend's father (who was like a second father to me) is having to undergo a heart cath after having had quad bypass 4 years ago.

I have a sinus infection.

I have been having a pretty bad bout of stress-induced insomnia and have been averaging 4-5 hours of sleep a night.

GRE+ school shit. ugh.

But.

None of this scary shit is happening to me. To people I love, yes. But I can be there for them. Fall is coming up and with it: my birthday, Voodoo Fest, Halloween, the holidays, NYE in Oklahoma to see Flaming Lips, Alyson's wedding, the Angola rodeo, cooler (hopefully) weather. I went on a couple of dates with a real sweet dude, someone Alyson described as "one of the nicest people I've met in awhile." I have a fantastic support network. I did some freelance work and it became a bit of a big deal. I saw Ani Fucking Difranco at Target.

so, life ain't all bad. But I'd still take some calmer waters.

i know more than i knew before

Today I had a full blown anxiety attack about the GRE and doctoral programs...mostly along the lines of "I haven't studied enough I'm going to blow it and not get into grad school AND THEN MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED OH MY GOD."

But this weekend, I got to (unexpectedly) see a fair amount of friends. I cooked delicious Indian food and baked brownies. I got a TON of reading done. I got to help three friends out in major ways. I had a mini dance party in my kitchen. I got a foot rub. I took naps while it rained. Someone told me I was beautiful. Three different people made an effort to calm me down when I lost my shit. Someone told me they missed me. I helped someone make a big decision. I met a dude from L.A. I ate an amazing homemade breakfast that I didn't cook. I took a long walk after the storm.

Not getting into a Ph.D program can't even touch that.

P.S. Who can be sad with this in their life?:

all that feeling

After the wake, I went to Barnes and Noble. I wanted to browse the poetry section and see if I could find some new poets. As I was scanning, I noticed Codrescu's It Was Today out of order, in between two Blake collections. I pulled it down to scan through it and the first poem I opened to was an elegy titled "for lynn luria sukenick." The first few lines are:

What if there is no story
only a feeling?
Of course there are many stories
in that feeling
only they didn't happen to me

I stopped and held the book for a bit, feeling almost overwhelmed. Being at the wake of someone you're not particularly close to produces that kind of feeling. I didn't know all of Sandy's stories or even many of them, but there combined was a wealth of memories that created a feeling of love and, with it, a cutting loss. The person those stories happened to is gone. And now, we are left with a feeling.

I grabbed the book and decided to purchase it, on the strength of that poem. As I was walking off, another cover caught my eye and I kept walking but then turned back around to see who the poet was. Laura Mullen, my other poetry teacher. Sometimes I like to think that God is coincidence.

After that, I had an insane urge to write. RIGHT NOW. When I walked downstairs, I saw a sketchpad and some graphite pencils, so I grabbed them because they were the first writing materials I could find. I need to get back in the habit of carrying a pen and notepad. Then I stood looking out the window for a minute and, because my mind was in a morbid place anyway, I took a photo of reflection because I thought it looked ghostly.

I checked out (after having a conversation with the cashier about the color of my blouse--she thought it was coral and I maintained it was a dusty pink and either way, I felt ambitious wearing it because I rarely wear colors other than black/gray/purple) and walked outside in all my sad girl glory: clutching a poetry book and a notepad, in mourning, into the night. And I almost got hit by a kid flying through the parking lot, blaring "Smack My Bitch Up." I laughed.






for lynn luria sukenick
by: Andrei Codrescu, from It Was Today
What if there is no story
only a feeling?
Of course there are many stories
in that feeling
only they didn't happen to me
they either just happened
to someone else
or happened a long time ago
and so recent and ancient
the stories hung in that feeling
like clusters of grapes
refreshing and intelligent
& I had the honor to drink in
their presence on one or two occasions
in the sap-filled and haunted
days of the late nineteen sixties
in the haunted late city of Santa Cruz
in the soon-to-be haunted state
of California just waking up
in those days in the embrace
of Ronald Reagan future
President of Star Wars winner
of the Cold War
& in that sexy intelligence
of Lynn's there was both wisdom & escape
through there was no story
only a feeling
& in those days most feelings came
before there was a story
so we bumped into stories
just to have something to hold
all that feeling
there were many stories
but with Lynn & for Lynn
only a feeling

then they just put down their hands and moved into the sky

and we had barely said hello and it was time/to say goodbye

In two days, it will be my one year anniversary here in New Orleans. I'm lying in bed, wine drunk and sweaty from a combined bike ride and lack of great AC, singing sultry Ani DiFranco songs into the dark and I realized this felt familiar.

I'm still sweaty, tired, happy, and sad.

It still feels right.

"we haven't been taught a thing about our souls"

I think I'll rent Scenes from a Marriage soon. Time for some 5 hour Swedish movie watching, couch sitting and wine drinking. What a fucking week.

sunday

On this rainy Sunday, I'm washing my bedspread, making watermelon rind pickles, biscuits, and fried chicken, while reading Carson McCullers.
#south
#i'mbecomingmygrandmother
#mylifeisawesome

bright

Today, I'm so full of energy that I almost feel crackly. When work ends, I'm going take a run. And then I'm going get Ravi from the airport (he's in for a very brief visit) and we're going drink (more drinking!)

Other things I want to do soon:
Go to the farmer's market (and pay the food co-op!).
Go volunteer at ARNO.
Adopt a cat (I've hit a snag with that but I'm working on it. Potential cat names: Leon Trotsky, Quimby, Frank).
Bake a dusty pink cake (this weird bit of inspiration comes from a combo of this hair post and this cake post).
Make watermelon-vodka granitas.
Make watermelon rind pickles.
Make a pitcher of sidecars (can one make a PITCHER of sidecars? I aim to find out).
Never stop using paratheticals.
Have a fancy dress party! I think a summer one would be so much fun. We'll see.
Go for a bunch more bike rides. My soul was craving a bike, y'all. I almost cried when I took this one out for our first ride.

So basically, I want to drink a lot, ride my bike, wear dresses, cavort and eat.
Check!

what a wonderful world

Things I did today:
Knelt in a bathtub and cleaned feces off of a trembling 8 week old kitten I was fostering (more later)
Rushed to the vet
Rushed to the animal emergency hospital
Had tearful, but pragmatic conversation with doctor
Held 8 week old kitten while she was put to sleep
Cried profusely
Hung out in a gas station parking lot in Old Metairie and drank an icee while waiting for my radiator to cool down after it started spraying antifreeze
Locked my keys in my car
Nap
Had a beer and a burger on the patio at G B's while reading a book and trying to calm down
Levee with Alyson and Otis and lots of other dogs
Nap/crying
Banks St. Bar w/ Eric
Snuggling with Marla/crying

Tomorrow, please be better. If you are worse, I probably won't be on this earth much longer.

goodnola

I realize this blog has been kind of a downer lately (always!), but I would like to note here, for posterity, that I had a good night. I got a lot of reading done and had a really fun conversation at Z'otz and made plans to go drinking and got hit on by a lady and ate the best red beans of my life with some Greek yogurt at my new dining room table.

and!

goodnight :)

one step forward, two steps back, in the hole, broken leg.

me: I am tired.
and I feel stagnant
Steve: in general or today?
me: sometimes I want to do so much that I get paralyzed by it and then I do nothing at all
both
I dunno. I think part of it is some residual sadness from things happening around me
one of our dr's wives had to get an abortion this week because they found out the baby had no cerebellum and wouldn't survive outside the womb
then I found out my cousin's wife has cancer that's spread to her spinal fluid and she has 2 kids and he's trying really hard to deal with it and they're treating it but, you know, you always think the worst
and then I keep...fantasizing (for lack of a better term) about attending her funeral and just the idea of it makes me feel guilty
I don't know. its not just that. it's just the idea that we will never be able to achieve everything we want to in life, that we will always have to settle for less and hope that what we settle for is fulfilling enough, that we make the "right" choices
I'm normally okay enough about this stuff, optimistic enough that I can and will be happy, but sometimes it gets to me.
Steve: It's hard to face that you have to settle and it's hard to ignore the could-have-beens
me: yeah it is.
and, in thinking about all this, I start thinking about loose ends, etc.
like, there was this guy (I think I told you about him?)
Steve: the abusive guy?
me: and I feel...fucked up about the way things went with him. to the point where I still think about it, still think about contacting him even though he cut off contact with me and probably has absolutely no desire to hear from me
no no, this is a different guy
*stuff here*
me: and, I don't know. it kind of broke my heart, surprisingly so, because I really LIKED that guy.
and I hate the abruptness of shit like that because I feel like contacting him isn't going to do ANY good, will probably just make it worse...but I still want to
Steve: I'd recommend against it at this point in time
me:yeah. I'm not going to. I know it's stupid. But it just saddens me.
because there are other situations like that. you were a situation like that, for me, for awhile and that saddened me too
but I guess it was different because I was angry at you and I'm not angry at him
(not that I am anymore )
I guess I tend to tie those situations in with the bigger picture of trying to be happy and it's hard for me to be happy when I feel like I've hurt someone.
it just...frustrates me about myself. that I can't let shit go, that I seemingly self-sabotage myself when things are happy and good
I feel like things can never be good enough
and sometimes that's a motivator, you know? to make things better. other times, it just makes me want to crawl in a hole.
you were laughing at me and calling me zippy, but there is something inside me that insists I be productive, that I not run in place. because the biggest depressor for me is feeling stagnant. it is absolutely my worse trigger.
sorry
I obviously needed to spill 
Steve: np
me:thanks
Steve: act like bp

Times like this, I like to listen to Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald's "Tenderly" and try to remember to be kind to myself.

happy little things

Things that brought me pleasure today:
Talking to Blair twice
Praise from a very respected professor: And thank you for reading so carefully. What you wrote this week displays more sensitivity and understanding of the text than anything else I read this week.
Listening to Sigur Ros' "Glosoli" in bed right now while petting Marla
Finishing the Insanity fit test and feeling good
Buying a plane ticket and a hotel room for Mike's wedding
Having a good friend tell me about regaining his confidence and sense of self
Really great lecture on William James' The Varieties of Religious Experience (more on that book later)
Perfect water temp in the shower when I got in
This news story
Feeling loved by so many people around me