Friday, December 17, 2010

the Real

Earlier, I was in Walgreen's (which was strangely packed for 11pm), buying cat food for Marla because I haven't had time or money to go get the fancy stuff. There was a 5 for $4 sale, so I dutifully grabbed 5 cans and stood in line. When I got up to checkout, the cashier started scanning the cans
"Man, your cat is gonna be pissed at you! You out here at 11 o'clock, just now gettin' supper."
"Yeah, I feel like a stereotypical cat lady--late night, in line with 5 cans of cat food."
"Yeah, you playin' games, out here flirtin' with me and you need to be at home feedin' that cat! Cat prolly at home, layin' on the couch, thinkin' 'where the hell my food?'"

Tonight marks the finale of my first semester of grad school. I have bruised finger tips and a new knowledge of my body's extreme reactions to stress to show for it. I emailed my paper to my teacher, with a note apologizing for the heavy use of Lacan and attached a photo of a dancing toy Rabbi. I hope he likes it (the paper and the photo). I sent off my 25-pager at 2:45 this morning. Logic dictates I should be asleep right now, but my sleeping habits are shot to hell and I still have something of an adrenaline rush lingering in my system from the rush to finish. I'd write something insightful about grad school and the past 4 months here, but I can't bear to think insightfully right now. I also can't bear to think of the words "narrative structure," "patriarchal," "the Symbolic," and "Wuthering Heights." I will also never name a child Catherine. Just typing those words made me twitch. Hopefully this is all worth some As.

People keep asking me what I'll be doing with my newly freed time. It's not really so free, but I do have a week off from school and work that I'm looking forward to. I have 5 drinking dates scheduled on my calendar for the next 6 days. A random list of things I hope/have to do:
-See Ann, Phillip, Ravi, Devon + BR people in general
-Buy, write and mail Christmas cards
-Finish Christmas shopping/start and finish Christmas baking
-Take a day trip somewhere
-Make curtains for my bedroom
-CLEAN MY HOUSE. I can hardly bear it right now.
-Get another bookshelf
-Rearrange the living room?
-Unpack boxes once and for all.
-Build/buy a spice rack?
-Read Revolutionary Road (this book has me thinking about an old friend a lot lately, which has been kind of depressing.)
-Buy textbooks
-Read The History of Sexuality
-Other stuff that I know I want to do but can't remember.

Mostly, I want a little breathing room. I've been going going going with school and work and seeing people and trying to make everything in my life balance and be good. And those things are fulfilling to me, but I also just want a day that has nothing to do with someone else. That's maybe part of the reason I moved here, to reclaim that sense of myself and while, in some ways, I've felt that acutely, I also feel like something is lacking a bit right now. That...awareness (I can't think of a better word right now; forgive me) that was so accessible when I first moved here has gotten buried a bit. I think some alone time would help with that.

dream time.


  1. oh i am lolling about the cat convo.

    history of sexuality is great; just borrowed revolutionary road from a friend, who taught it this quarter - it's one of his fave books.

    man we have SO MUCH to talk about.

  2. I've probably read History of Sexuality in its entirety without knowing it, seeing as how I've had to read sections of it for 3 different classes.

    Revolutionary Road is something I've been meaning to get around to but it was given to me by a once-dear friend (who is now not on speaking terms with me and has not been in about 2 years) and he wrote me this very sweet note in the inside cover that depresses me now as soon as I open the book. But I still want to read it.

    And yes, we DO. 2 more days!