I have had an exceptionally good weekend.
On Friday, Christie, Ross and Peter came into town. We had poboys at Parkway, where I'd never been. Ate a delicious but regrettable roast beef poboy (I know better than to eat that much red meat. Ugh.). Being around Bayou St. John always makes me a little nostalgic, because when Ravi and I first started dating, we went to Voodoo Fest together. We stayed in a church with a friend who was working there for Americorps and we'd cross the bayou everyday when we walked to and from City Park. That weekend has always been one of my favorite memories of Ravi (we also saw Smashing Pumpkins that weekend, a teenage favorite of both of ours that added to the idyllic situation).
After Parkway, we briefly went to Cooter Brown's for some pool and ended up at Snake and Jake's. I was incredibly tired, having been up since 6 that morning and I don't remember much about being there except that I was hurting myself in an effort to stay awake and talk to people. I'd dig my fingernails into my upper arms, bite on my fingers, scratch at my wrists...thank god Snake's is as dark as it is, because I probably looked like I was having some kind of psychotic fit. We finally left and sat around listening to Two Gallants, drinking tea and talking on my porch (because of course I got a second wind).
The next morning, Christie and I hung out at Z'otz while the dudes went to watched soccer at Finn McCool's. We wandered over to Maple St. for some Thai food and a visit to the Maple St. Patisserie. I spent part of that day texting my teacher, who has no concept of appropriate behavior. He assigned a book to us without buying it himself. He asked if he could borrow my copy and then, after a failed attempt at meeting up, he asked if I could bring it to his house. Apparently he lives quite close to me. While I was negotiating this, Christie and I walked back to my place to meet up with the guys. Everyone left and I walked back over to Z'otz to do some schoolwork. On the way there, as I crossed Spruce St. (of COURSE it was Spruce St. Teacher lives on Spruce too. I might make a blog tag for Spruce St.), a peacock emerged from a yard and strutted down the sidewalk. I followed it for two blocks until it reached Hickory and took a right. Then I called the police to inform them of wild, wandering peacocks. Around 10:30, Ross called to ask me if I could go pick up his debit card that he'd left at Snake's. I did and walked home down Lowerline, singing Emily Jane White songs and dancing along the sidewalk in front of the Carrollton graveyard.
Sunday was an excellent lunch at Theo's with Alyson and Cain, followed by Pinkberry after a failed attempt to get drinks at St. Joe's (because in our boozy quest, we kind of forgot it was 3pm on a Sunday). When I got home, Shelby was rewiring the lights on our front porches and hanging some lanterns we bought at a yard sale awhile back. I helped him with that (and learned how to rewire a light and met our neighborhood drunkard), then we decided to have a dinner party. Because I live with teh gays, nothing can ever be simple. I came home from Rouses to find that they'd put the upstairs neighbor's dining room table in the driveway, covered it with tablecloth, china, candles and flowers and had a lamp overlooking the whole shebang. We had dinner of lemon chicken, filet mignon, rice and broth, salad and a dessert of chocolate dipped strawberries, while Dave Brubeck blasted from Taylor's speakers (through his open window, which his friend's cat escaped from and caused a brief interruption while we all tried to coax the cat into not jumping off the roof).
I had Memorial Day off. I started it by walking over to my professor's house to furtively drop that book on his porch. That whole situation cracks me up and made me think of B's old jokes that I was fucking the professor. People are totally going to think so if shit like this keeps happening. Amusingly, prof. seems to have no understanding that it would be considered strange in most circles to ask a student to come by your house to drop off a book you assigned because you couldn't be bothered to purchase said book. After that, I went back to the grocery and then spent most of the day in the kitchen, baking wheat bread, banana/cherry/almond/bourbon bread, cooking up some chicken sloppy joe mix, making an incredible potato salad (I subbed in spring peas for the sugar snaps and asparagus and green onions for spring onions), and soaking the remaining dried cherries in some leftover vodka I had (we'll see how that turns out). My friend Mike, who has been in the Marines for 4 years, called to ask if I wanted to go out that night. We ended up back at Cooter Brown's and I made the mistake of drinking 4 beers...3 of which were Andygator. We closed down the bar and then I came home and apparently did a bunch of stuff, including slicing that loaf of wheat bread and slicing my finger open in the process. I must have been too drunk to realize it, because I went to sleep with my bloody hand and woke up with blood all over. Also, with an intense hangover that didn't let up until well into the afternoon. At one point, I texted Blair to tell him what an exemplary employee I was, after I fell asleep at my desk. hoo boy.
Goals: Finish thesis proposal. Hang chandelier that Shelby gave me. Pay off credit cards. Don't eat out in June. Look into new bed set. Rearrange dining room to accommodate shelves that someone randomly left on Shelby's porch. Make curtains. Make A's this summer. Have more fantastic weekends.
Showing posts with label job(lessness). Show all posts
Showing posts with label job(lessness). Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
tl;dr
My brain is slowly peeking out of its writer's block fog...the other night, in the shower, I started thinking about a new non-fic piece. It might actually work better as fiction, but I'm an awful fiction writer, so I'm nervous about taking it there. We'll see. Reminder to self: write notes.
Things are slowly improving with my parents. My dad took my mom out to dinner the other night and got her a card for Valentine's day, along with some roses. I want to say that it's not enough, but I hope that little things lead to big improvements here. I hate having so much resentment toward my dad...but I hate that he insists on drinking until my mom has a nervous breakdown too. I've still been volleying the idea of writing about that whole situation on here, but there are still some things I need to work through. Too much comes flooding out when you start repeating the worst moments of your childhood.
I had a fun conversation with B.W. the other night about Bob Seger, Lil' Wayne and Irish wakes that somehow led to me downloading Van Morrison's "Wild Nights" and Leroux's "New Orleans Ladies," both of which I've been listening to almost non-stop. I wonder when my neighbors will tire of hearing "allllll the waaa---ayyy/from bourbon street/to ES-pla-naaade/they sashay by/they sassshay byyyyyyy."
Yesterday, compelled by who knows what reason, I decided I absolutely needed A New Dress. I ended up buying a cute little black dress with white embroidery (and SLEEVES!), prompting Erin to comment, "you need another black dress with white embroidery like a hole in the head." (this will bring the count to 4 if you count the black dress with an embroidery-style print.) I also got this insane 70's esque red printed maxi dress. Generally, I hear short girls shouldn't wear maxi dresses but I'm a sucker for anything that makes me feel like I could be sipping drinks on a lanai (also the sole reason I own a red muumuu).
Erin and I also had the following conversation:
me: I did think of you though
I was like "I'm buying a red dress! erin would be proud!"
hahaha
is it weird that I thought to myself, of the black dress, "I can wear this to the doctor's office tomorrow!"
Erin: yes
that's kind of weird :P
me: mostly because we're having warm weather out and I like wearing dresses to the gyno
but planning your gyno visit outfit is a little strange
Erin: yes
just a little
Speaking of that particular visit, I think I'm being more neurotic than usual in planning for it. I made a list of questions, mostly about potentially getting the Garadasil vaccine and about the PCOS. I also made a list of my current and former medications, with dosages and frequency, AND I made notes of the start and end dates of my last period and of the last time I had sex. I am PREPARED. I just hate that feeling of walking out of a doctor's office and remembering some big thing that you wanted to talk to them about. And I hate being disorganized and potentially giving incorrect information (as in the case of the dates). I've also worked in the medical field long enough to know how much nicer it is for the nurses when a patient has all this together. In that vein, I also had my old medical records faxed over. Which, public service announcement, you should always do. ESPECIALLY in the case of going from specialist to specialist. I know people think it's not important, but a physician is much better equipped to treat you when they have medical notes of your former treatment in front of them. DO IT.
I also scheduled a haircut, a ride from the mechanic (and lunch!) and a trip to the DMV to finally get a New Orleans license. In Baton Rouge. Getting shit done. LIKE AN ADULT.
Lastly, I got some wonderful information today. Back in July, I got in a wreck (which, let me just say, if you are in the middle of ending your 3 year relationship, quitting your job, moving out of your apartment, and incredibly worried about money, don't get in a wreck. Never in my life have I wanted so much to just exit my vehicle and step into oncoming traffic.). Basically things went down as follows: I was stopped in a driving lane. To my left was a median that turned into a left turn lane (which I needed to be in and which was empty). I merged over and drove forward, not realizing that the car in front of the car I was behind was turning left (because she was not in the turn lane). She turned into my car, probably going about 10 mph, but enough to damage both cars. We pulled into a parking lot, her passenger left the scene and went to work. I got out and asked if everyone was okay (they were) and then I called the police. I was ticketed for "improper lane usage." The other driver was not ticketed, which was bullshit.
After this, we went back and forth with the insurance companies. State Farm investigated for a month (which involved me talking to 3 adjustors and an investigator) and finally decidd there was mutual fault. When this happened, the other driver decided to tell her ins. that she and her passenger had been injured. So there were more interviews (I mean, honestly? 3 months later, with no doctor notes, no ambulance at the scene and no passenger even listed on the police report because she was gone?) and State Farm shot that down. Meanwhile, I went to court for the ticket, intending to take a defensive driving course to get it removed, only to find out that the officer had never turned the ticket in. Then her ins. decided to sue State Farm for the costs of her vehicle. MORE interviewing. Today, I got a call from State Farm telling me that an independent adjustor declared mutual fault. My deductible, which was renewed in the midst of all this, will go down and State Farm is going to refund me $250 that I wouldn't have paid if this had been resolved before my renewal. My response, after hanging up, was EAT A BAG OF DICKS, YOU LYING BITCH. An. Entire. Bag.
I had my job eval today and they told me what a good job I'm doing. It kind of made me care about that job a little. Which was nice; sometimes I feel useless there because there's no challenge. But it pays the bills for my lovely little abode and my dresses and whiskey habits and the food remnants left on those plates that I need to go wash before I leave.
Things are slowly improving with my parents. My dad took my mom out to dinner the other night and got her a card for Valentine's day, along with some roses. I want to say that it's not enough, but I hope that little things lead to big improvements here. I hate having so much resentment toward my dad...but I hate that he insists on drinking until my mom has a nervous breakdown too. I've still been volleying the idea of writing about that whole situation on here, but there are still some things I need to work through. Too much comes flooding out when you start repeating the worst moments of your childhood.
I had a fun conversation with B.W. the other night about Bob Seger, Lil' Wayne and Irish wakes that somehow led to me downloading Van Morrison's "Wild Nights" and Leroux's "New Orleans Ladies," both of which I've been listening to almost non-stop. I wonder when my neighbors will tire of hearing "allllll the waaa---ayyy/from bourbon street/to ES-pla-naaade/they sashay by/they sassshay byyyyyyy."
Yesterday, compelled by who knows what reason, I decided I absolutely needed A New Dress. I ended up buying a cute little black dress with white embroidery (and SLEEVES!), prompting Erin to comment, "you need another black dress with white embroidery like a hole in the head." (this will bring the count to 4 if you count the black dress with an embroidery-style print.) I also got this insane 70's esque red printed maxi dress. Generally, I hear short girls shouldn't wear maxi dresses but I'm a sucker for anything that makes me feel like I could be sipping drinks on a lanai (also the sole reason I own a red muumuu).
Erin and I also had the following conversation:
me: I did think of you though
I was like "I'm buying a red dress! erin would be proud!"
hahaha
is it weird that I thought to myself, of the black dress, "I can wear this to the doctor's office tomorrow!"
Erin: yes
that's kind of weird :P
me: mostly because we're having warm weather out and I like wearing dresses to the gyno
but planning your gyno visit outfit is a little strange
Erin: yes
just a little
Speaking of that particular visit, I think I'm being more neurotic than usual in planning for it. I made a list of questions, mostly about potentially getting the Garadasil vaccine and about the PCOS. I also made a list of my current and former medications, with dosages and frequency, AND I made notes of the start and end dates of my last period and of the last time I had sex. I am PREPARED. I just hate that feeling of walking out of a doctor's office and remembering some big thing that you wanted to talk to them about. And I hate being disorganized and potentially giving incorrect information (as in the case of the dates). I've also worked in the medical field long enough to know how much nicer it is for the nurses when a patient has all this together. In that vein, I also had my old medical records faxed over. Which, public service announcement, you should always do. ESPECIALLY in the case of going from specialist to specialist. I know people think it's not important, but a physician is much better equipped to treat you when they have medical notes of your former treatment in front of them. DO IT.
I also scheduled a haircut, a ride from the mechanic (and lunch!) and a trip to the DMV to finally get a New Orleans license. In Baton Rouge. Getting shit done. LIKE AN ADULT.
Lastly, I got some wonderful information today. Back in July, I got in a wreck (which, let me just say, if you are in the middle of ending your 3 year relationship, quitting your job, moving out of your apartment, and incredibly worried about money, don't get in a wreck. Never in my life have I wanted so much to just exit my vehicle and step into oncoming traffic.). Basically things went down as follows: I was stopped in a driving lane. To my left was a median that turned into a left turn lane (which I needed to be in and which was empty). I merged over and drove forward, not realizing that the car in front of the car I was behind was turning left (because she was not in the turn lane). She turned into my car, probably going about 10 mph, but enough to damage both cars. We pulled into a parking lot, her passenger left the scene and went to work. I got out and asked if everyone was okay (they were) and then I called the police. I was ticketed for "improper lane usage." The other driver was not ticketed, which was bullshit.
After this, we went back and forth with the insurance companies. State Farm investigated for a month (which involved me talking to 3 adjustors and an investigator) and finally decidd there was mutual fault. When this happened, the other driver decided to tell her ins. that she and her passenger had been injured. So there were more interviews (I mean, honestly? 3 months later, with no doctor notes, no ambulance at the scene and no passenger even listed on the police report because she was gone?) and State Farm shot that down. Meanwhile, I went to court for the ticket, intending to take a defensive driving course to get it removed, only to find out that the officer had never turned the ticket in. Then her ins. decided to sue State Farm for the costs of her vehicle. MORE interviewing. Today, I got a call from State Farm telling me that an independent adjustor declared mutual fault. My deductible, which was renewed in the midst of all this, will go down and State Farm is going to refund me $250 that I wouldn't have paid if this had been resolved before my renewal. My response, after hanging up, was EAT A BAG OF DICKS, YOU LYING BITCH. An. Entire. Bag.
I had my job eval today and they told me what a good job I'm doing. It kind of made me care about that job a little. Which was nice; sometimes I feel useless there because there's no challenge. But it pays the bills for my lovely little abode and my dresses and whiskey habits and the food remnants left on those plates that I need to go wash before I leave.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"drippy streets caught me believin'"
go!
Don't worry, I'm not too sad. It's raining and sleeting outside (the janitor called it "ice rain"), possible snow flurries but probably just ice. It got cold last night and I had gone to bed early, after an impossibly hot shower that turned my whole body bright red, that stung until the water felt cold again and my limbs tingled. I forgot to turn the heat on, woke up at 4am-ish, freezing. Grabbed a blanket off the floor, a blessing of my inability to fold laundry, and threw it over the bedcovers, then snuggled back under with Marla on my head.
Blastedly long day, but filled with plan making, too many plans maybe: a going away party, seeing 2 friends, a pub crawl, a bar. Trying to coalesce, but Friday may be a long drunk evening. Drove my carless co-worker home. She told me once that I made her day better and she cheers me up too. Home late and the neighbors wanted me to come drink but I have so much Althusser to read, BUT I want ice cream so badly, because that's what semi-sad single girls with cats do. Debated with myself on the merits of ice cream and decided "fuck it." Argyle socks with pajama pants and chucks, wearing the blanket-coat (aka, the Bloat), rolling up in Whole Foods (best B&J selection in the area), humming "Major Label Debut" to myself. I've always thought the chorus was "now I'm all/fucked/up" but it's ACTUALLY "hooked up," which I don't like as much.
Briefly considered buying vegetables to offset suspicious and obvious ice cream purchases but I have veggies at home, so I embraced the crazed, pajama-wearing ice cream buying look and strolled over to frozen foods, laughing under my breath at the image presented. 2 for $6 special on ice cream, because of course there's a sale when it's cold out. Checking out, the cashier lady laughed and said, "I always want ice cream when it's cold too. We both crazy, huh?" I agreed, because really, how was I going to say otherwise?
Home drive, listening to Thanassis Cambanis talking about Mubarack and Egyptian/Israeli relations and being somewhat unsettled at the focus on Israel in the interview (though, admittedly, missed part of it) when ought we not to be talking about about the Egyptian people?
Eating ice cream, Marla on pillow and some kidney bean and spinach stew defrosting in the sink. I hope I don't feel awful later. I lost 4 pounds...yesterday (@ Ann- after "gaining" back 3 from my initial 4 lb. loss...I think the 3 were water/bloat). Oh body, what the fuck? Putting the ice cream away now, before this gets out of hand. Back to ideological state apparatuses.
END
Don't worry, I'm not too sad. It's raining and sleeting outside (the janitor called it "ice rain"), possible snow flurries but probably just ice. It got cold last night and I had gone to bed early, after an impossibly hot shower that turned my whole body bright red, that stung until the water felt cold again and my limbs tingled. I forgot to turn the heat on, woke up at 4am-ish, freezing. Grabbed a blanket off the floor, a blessing of my inability to fold laundry, and threw it over the bedcovers, then snuggled back under with Marla on my head.
Blastedly long day, but filled with plan making, too many plans maybe: a going away party, seeing 2 friends, a pub crawl, a bar. Trying to coalesce, but Friday may be a long drunk evening. Drove my carless co-worker home. She told me once that I made her day better and she cheers me up too. Home late and the neighbors wanted me to come drink but I have so much Althusser to read, BUT I want ice cream so badly, because that's what semi-sad single girls with cats do. Debated with myself on the merits of ice cream and decided "fuck it." Argyle socks with pajama pants and chucks, wearing the blanket-coat (aka, the Bloat), rolling up in Whole Foods (best B&J selection in the area), humming "Major Label Debut" to myself. I've always thought the chorus was "now I'm all/fucked/up" but it's ACTUALLY "hooked up," which I don't like as much.
Briefly considered buying vegetables to offset suspicious and obvious ice cream purchases but I have veggies at home, so I embraced the crazed, pajama-wearing ice cream buying look and strolled over to frozen foods, laughing under my breath at the image presented. 2 for $6 special on ice cream, because of course there's a sale when it's cold out. Checking out, the cashier lady laughed and said, "I always want ice cream when it's cold too. We both crazy, huh?" I agreed, because really, how was I going to say otherwise?
Home drive, listening to Thanassis Cambanis talking about Mubarack and Egyptian/Israeli relations and being somewhat unsettled at the focus on Israel in the interview (though, admittedly, missed part of it) when ought we not to be talking about about the Egyptian people?
Eating ice cream, Marla on pillow and some kidney bean and spinach stew defrosting in the sink. I hope I don't feel awful later. I lost 4 pounds...yesterday (@ Ann- after "gaining" back 3 from my initial 4 lb. loss...I think the 3 were water/bloat). Oh body, what the fuck? Putting the ice cream away now, before this gets out of hand. Back to ideological state apparatuses.
END
Sunday, January 9, 2011
2010 highs and lows
This is a post I meant to make before the new year but, obviously, did not do.
In 2010:
-Ravi's practice space (The Caterie) burned down New Years' Day and resulted in instrument loss for about 9 bands
-Haiti earthquake
-The Saints won the Super Bowl
-Erin and I visited Mike in Columbus (marking my first extended exposure to snow)
-Healthcare reform passed
-Had my wisdom teeth pulled
-Erin, Ravi and I went to New York for Becky and Dorian's wedding
-BP oil spill
-Ravi got into pharmacy school and I got into grad school
-Erin moved to Chicago
-Ravi and I went to Chicago for Pitchfork festival
-Got in a wreck
-Ravi and I broke up
-Quit my job at LCA
-Moved to New Orleans
-Was unemployed for 2.5 months and went through my savings
-Started first semester of grad school
-Got a paying job with Tulane Ortho and a non-paying job with goodnola.com
-Forced myself to conquer social anxiety and made some friends
-Turned 25
-Had a wee breakdown, brought on by stress, depression and exhaustion
-Recovered and drank sloe gin 'til the midnight hour
I keep talking about 2010 as a shitty year, because in a lot of ways it was for me--I exited this year broke, single and more than a little shaken. But I also had a lot of fun this year, met some really great people, reestablished and improved on some friendships, kissed a dude or two, (re)learned that I'm able to be self-sufficient and alone, and I'm living in a city that I enjoy. In a way, 2010 wasn't so much shitty as it was just hectic and full of upheaval, which was, occasionally, pretty overwhelming. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've challenged myself so much, but in the end, I think it's paid off. I feel less stagnant. As I told Christie earlier today, even in the worst parts of this year, I never regretted the choices I've made, because as hard as things have been, I feel like I'm on my way to being a lot happier with myself.
I think now the key is building on those things--doing more things that I want to do but have convinced myself that I can't for whatever reason (time, money, anxiety, etc.) I want to make more friends or at least meet people. I want to write poems (I got started for a bit but then stopped again when I became unhappy with what I was writing). I want to volunteer. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make changes to my body that will make me happier with it. I want to get my health issues in order. I want to better stay abreast of politics. I want to go to a bar alone and not break into hives over it. I want to be more comfortable with the person I am, on my own terms.
I'd also like to stop being redundant, but that may not happen any time soon. :)
In 2010:
-Ravi's practice space (The Caterie) burned down New Years' Day and resulted in instrument loss for about 9 bands
-Haiti earthquake
-The Saints won the Super Bowl
-Erin and I visited Mike in Columbus (marking my first extended exposure to snow)
-Healthcare reform passed
-Had my wisdom teeth pulled
-Erin, Ravi and I went to New York for Becky and Dorian's wedding
-BP oil spill
-Ravi got into pharmacy school and I got into grad school
-Erin moved to Chicago
-Ravi and I went to Chicago for Pitchfork festival
-Got in a wreck
-Ravi and I broke up
-Quit my job at LCA
-Moved to New Orleans
-Was unemployed for 2.5 months and went through my savings
-Started first semester of grad school
-Got a paying job with Tulane Ortho and a non-paying job with goodnola.com
-Forced myself to conquer social anxiety and made some friends
-Turned 25
-Had a wee breakdown, brought on by stress, depression and exhaustion
-Recovered and drank sloe gin 'til the midnight hour
I keep talking about 2010 as a shitty year, because in a lot of ways it was for me--I exited this year broke, single and more than a little shaken. But I also had a lot of fun this year, met some really great people, reestablished and improved on some friendships, kissed a dude or two, (re)learned that I'm able to be self-sufficient and alone, and I'm living in a city that I enjoy. In a way, 2010 wasn't so much shitty as it was just hectic and full of upheaval, which was, occasionally, pretty overwhelming. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've challenged myself so much, but in the end, I think it's paid off. I feel less stagnant. As I told Christie earlier today, even in the worst parts of this year, I never regretted the choices I've made, because as hard as things have been, I feel like I'm on my way to being a lot happier with myself.
I think now the key is building on those things--doing more things that I want to do but have convinced myself that I can't for whatever reason (time, money, anxiety, etc.) I want to make more friends or at least meet people. I want to write poems (I got started for a bit but then stopped again when I became unhappy with what I was writing). I want to volunteer. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make changes to my body that will make me happier with it. I want to get my health issues in order. I want to better stay abreast of politics. I want to go to a bar alone and not break into hives over it. I want to be more comfortable with the person I am, on my own terms.
I'd also like to stop being redundant, but that may not happen any time soon. :)
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
namby pamby
Today I was reading a series of passive aggressive FB notes directed at me and rolling my eyes so hard that I could practically see my brain. Then I realized that some of my most recent entries could be construed that way and I got pretty embarrassed. I didn't mean them that way, because there was other shit going on, but there's no need to go and get pathetic on the interwebs. I won't delete them, but I will try to be more conscious of not looking like an asshole on here.
Sort of horribly, going back to work helped pull me out of the doldrums. I guess having to get dressed and go perform a series of tasks is more motivational than sleeping 'til 10 and hanging out in my pajamas all day. That's kind of depressing in itself. But it is what it is (I hate it when people say that) and I do feel better. I was talking to someone today who I'd previously been very very nervous around (partly due to depression, which always makes me feel like I'm the biggest loser on the planet) and he commented that I seemed much less anxious.
At the risk of getting all crazy bulimic on everyone, I'm working on losing weight again. Not just sitting around not eating things, but actually keeping a food diary and weighing in and working out. I've lost 4 pounds since Dec. 28. I'm on a max of 1600 calories a day and, to keep myself from being ridiculous (i.e. eating sugar-free hard candies as a snack, drinking coffee all day as an appetite suppressant, etc.), a minimum of 600. I've been clocking in between 1000 and 1200 calories a day lately, which may not seem like a lot, but I do sit at a desk for most of my day, so that has to be taken into account. I'm thinking of taking a spinning class this coming semester, if the Intro to Spinning one is still offered on Wednesday nights.
Speaking of this semester, I'm starting to get geared up for that. I had originally scheduled 12 hours (on top of my 37.5 hours of work a week) but after that little nervous breakdown that closed out this past semester, I cut things back to 9 hours. I dropped a class with my favorite professor from last semester, because I don't feel like I'd be able to give him 100% between his class and my independent study, and the indie study is more important to me. I think he'll understand though. For indie study, I'm awaiting History of Sexuality to come in so I can start reading it. I'm pretty thrilled about that, because I love Foucault. However, I'm still trying to locate a non-French copy of Barthes Mythologies, which is much more difficult than it should be.
Nancy recently got engaged and asked me (well, told me) to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Nancy doesn't know much about planning a wedding and I know way more than I ought to, so I've been helping her with that. This means I get to do things like tell her, "no, you actually DO have to reserve churches months in advance and you SHOULD call now" and make her a "Wedding Boot Camp" binder, replete with a photo of combat boots on the front. It also means I have far more control over the get up I'll be forced into.
I just bought "Can't Hardly Wait" on Amazon. I think a 90's movie party is in order in the very near future.
Sort of horribly, going back to work helped pull me out of the doldrums. I guess having to get dressed and go perform a series of tasks is more motivational than sleeping 'til 10 and hanging out in my pajamas all day. That's kind of depressing in itself. But it is what it is (I hate it when people say that) and I do feel better. I was talking to someone today who I'd previously been very very nervous around (partly due to depression, which always makes me feel like I'm the biggest loser on the planet) and he commented that I seemed much less anxious.
At the risk of getting all crazy bulimic on everyone, I'm working on losing weight again. Not just sitting around not eating things, but actually keeping a food diary and weighing in and working out. I've lost 4 pounds since Dec. 28. I'm on a max of 1600 calories a day and, to keep myself from being ridiculous (i.e. eating sugar-free hard candies as a snack, drinking coffee all day as an appetite suppressant, etc.), a minimum of 600. I've been clocking in between 1000 and 1200 calories a day lately, which may not seem like a lot, but I do sit at a desk for most of my day, so that has to be taken into account. I'm thinking of taking a spinning class this coming semester, if the Intro to Spinning one is still offered on Wednesday nights.
Speaking of this semester, I'm starting to get geared up for that. I had originally scheduled 12 hours (on top of my 37.5 hours of work a week) but after that little nervous breakdown that closed out this past semester, I cut things back to 9 hours. I dropped a class with my favorite professor from last semester, because I don't feel like I'd be able to give him 100% between his class and my independent study, and the indie study is more important to me. I think he'll understand though. For indie study, I'm awaiting History of Sexuality to come in so I can start reading it. I'm pretty thrilled about that, because I love Foucault. However, I'm still trying to locate a non-French copy of Barthes Mythologies, which is much more difficult than it should be.
Nancy recently got engaged and asked me (well, told me) to be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Nancy doesn't know much about planning a wedding and I know way more than I ought to, so I've been helping her with that. This means I get to do things like tell her, "no, you actually DO have to reserve churches months in advance and you SHOULD call now" and make her a "Wedding Boot Camp" binder, replete with a photo of combat boots on the front. It also means I have far more control over the get up I'll be forced into.
I just bought "Can't Hardly Wait" on Amazon. I think a 90's movie party is in order in the very near future.
Friday, December 24, 2010
blood-alcohol content
J: Trivia by myself tonight. Woo.
me: annnnnn
ann: yes dear
me: I am kind of thinking of going to bud's
after your FB post
is this advisable?
ann: um, always
me: I've never been
ann: WHAT
yes
go
#4
with sauce
do it
me: is the bud's on city park a drive through?
or do you have to go in?
ann: go in
you want to go in
me: I ask because I need to know whether or not I need to put real pants on
ahahha okay
ann: you don't have to put on pants
me: I have leggings on
ann: that's def adequate
me: I've been drinking
which I think helps
"GIMME A 4. URRRRP"
ann: definitely the sauce
that's the most important
(ENTIRE LAST HALF OF THIS ENTRY WAS LOST. GAH.)
(the SAUCE pretty much made that burger. Which was really good, but now I had requisite red meat eating stomachache. Still pretty much worth it. Would eat again. One day.)
Other things I have done lately include:
-Decided that The Cars' "Just What I Needed" is on my possible karaoke songs shortlist.
-Ate at Dooky Chase, a delicious Christmas present from my boss. Also got to meet Leah Chase. Want cookbook for her gumbo z'herbes recipe now. Also want Cajun French Dictionary. Also want to use "ze" as my definite article)
-Breakfast with Ann and Ravi at Maple St. Patisserie
-Getting a new phone. Thank GOD. Really considering running over the BBerry with my car. What a fucking piece of garbage.
-Reading and sleeping a lot
-Arguing with people about the fact that I am not and am not planning on sleeping with Ravi while he is down. Seriously, assholes. We're not. Because we don't hate ourselves and each other enough to put ourselves through that kind of pain.
-Shopping for a TV stand, but never again at Salvation Army, where used and abused furniture costs more than you'd pay for it new!
-Playing SNES
-Cancelling plans because I needed a night off (though I really did want to see Brass Bed and Feufollet).
I'm also thinking about not getting a Ph.D, moving to Mid-City, painting my toenails, getting clavicle surface piercings, and listening to Sleater Kinney. Those things don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.
I think I'll finish that red wine and go to bed early. Livin' the dream, baby.
*different colored ties on bags of bread indicate which day the bread was baked.
Me: Knock 'em dead!
J: I'll try We'll see what happens. My secret weapon isn't here.
Me: Whiskey?
J: Well that too. I was talking about you and your talent for remembering weird things like bread ties.*
Me: Whiskey and I are basically the same thing. Drink up!
I'm beginning to think this is true, after evaluating the amount of whiskey consumed in the past few days. A rundown, complete with drink list:
Friday:
Place(s): Work party, St. Joe's
People: Coworkers, T Leeps
Drinks: A bottle of white wine, 2 whiskey sours
Work party had an open wine bar that I took full advantage of because I had to stay and help with clean up later. I made off with a ton of food and 2 more bottles of wine. Met Leeps later at St. Joe's and drank whiskey until I realized I was past getting drunk and was moving into getting sleepy. Signed a cast.
Saturday:
Place: Eileen's Apt.
People: Eileen, Josh, Kelly, lots of other BR people
Drinks: 1/2 bottle red wine
Stolen work wine came into play here. Caught up with a bunch of people who have moved to NOLA from BR and overcame some of my awkwardness about seeing people that I perceive as "Ravi's friends." Had a good time until someone (a same someone that set off some bottle rockets in a house one time) threw Eileen's neighbor's entire lawn furniture set into a fire. Neighbor brandished pistol. I brandished car keys and evacuated.
Sunday:
Place: Bridge Lounge
People: Ann
Drinks: Whiskey Sour, Cranberry fig mojito
Ann and I met up, catched up, kvetched up and drank up. I was going to stick with the sour, but Ann got a limey mojito that I liked and drank for her (which ended up being a bad idea, as all the sugar in that drink sent my body into a 15 hour tailspin). Left after much soul spilling and hugs.
Monday:
Place: Markey's
People: Quintin & Phillip
Drinks: 3? whiskey sours
P was in town from China. I met him and Q in the Bywater (without getting lost/accidentally driving to the 9th ward) and we played lots of shuffleboard. I was awesome and dominated. Assisted with trivia by knowing the treaty that ended WWI, which U.S. presidents were assassinated, Napoleon's last battle and what Christmas character was created in 1939. Ravi came into town this night but I left the bar before he got there. Watched the eclipse until 2am, went to sleep, was awakened by Ravi tap, tap, tapping on my bedroom window because I left him a key, but still deadbolted the door. Destroyed any lingering feelings Ravi might have still had for me by wandering out on my couch with crazy hair, sleepy/confused/angry face and smelling like whiskey and cigs. Hello!
Tuesday:
Place(s): Reginelli's, Markey's, The Country Club
People: Ravi, Amy, Barrett, Phillip
Drinks: Bourbon milk punch
Ravi and I met up with Amy and Barrett at Reginelli's. I decided not to drink. Went to Markey's, played more shuffleboard, continued to rule. Amy and I decided to go check out the Country Club. Decided to break drinking ban upon seeing Bourbon Milk Punch special. Watched Nightmare Before Christmas and explained to Amy that Ravi and I were, in fact, broken up. She seemed embarrassed, but things were fine. Barrett and Phillip came over, also ordered milk punches. Phillip was called a douchebag by the bartender for not ordering his milk punch at the same time as Barrett did, but since he HAD, we defended him. Bartender called Phillip "baby."
Wednesday:
Place: Pal's Lounge
People: Ravi, Ann
Drinks: 2 sangrias
Ravi and I met up with Ann at what is now my favorite NOLA bar. Made friends with dogs, talked about stalkers, drank, took photos in photobooth. Ravi wanted food and asked me to go to a Burger King, where we were accosted by some people who screamed at us to buy them food and then to let them have my car. I gave Ravi a million horrible looks and an irritated talking to about the food in my freezer that is perfectly edible. Ravi stayed up 'til 4am because he drank a coffee at 1am, while I slept peacefully.
Thursday:
Place: My bedroom
People: Marla (cat)
Drinks: Blue Moon
I found a beer in my fridge and drank it, then got a very rare craving for RED MEAT. Realized that I am entering my moon phase (i.e. my period is coming soon to theaters near you. Theaters of war. Okay, I'll stop.) Discussed meat eating with Ann:
me: annnnnn
ann: yes dear
me: I am kind of thinking of going to bud's
after your FB post
is this advisable?
ann: um, always
me: I've never been
ann: WHAT
yes
go
#4
with sauce
do it
me: is the bud's on city park a drive through?
or do you have to go in?
ann: go in
you want to go in
me: I ask because I need to know whether or not I need to put real pants on
ahahha okay
ann: you don't have to put on pants
me: I have leggings on
ann: that's def adequate
me: I've been drinking
which I think helps
"GIMME A 4. URRRRP"
ann: definitely the sauce
that's the most important
(ENTIRE LAST HALF OF THIS ENTRY WAS LOST. GAH.)
(the SAUCE pretty much made that burger. Which was really good, but now I had requisite red meat eating stomachache. Still pretty much worth it. Would eat again. One day.)
Other things I have done lately include:
-Decided that The Cars' "Just What I Needed" is on my possible karaoke songs shortlist.
-Ate at Dooky Chase, a delicious Christmas present from my boss. Also got to meet Leah Chase. Want cookbook for her gumbo z'herbes recipe now. Also want Cajun French Dictionary. Also want to use "ze" as my definite article)
-Breakfast with Ann and Ravi at Maple St. Patisserie
-Getting a new phone. Thank GOD. Really considering running over the BBerry with my car. What a fucking piece of garbage.
-Reading and sleeping a lot
-Arguing with people about the fact that I am not and am not planning on sleeping with Ravi while he is down. Seriously, assholes. We're not. Because we don't hate ourselves and each other enough to put ourselves through that kind of pain.
-Shopping for a TV stand, but never again at Salvation Army, where used and abused furniture costs more than you'd pay for it new!
-Playing SNES
-Cancelling plans because I needed a night off (though I really did want to see Brass Bed and Feufollet).
I'm also thinking about not getting a Ph.D, moving to Mid-City, painting my toenails, getting clavicle surface piercings, and listening to Sleater Kinney. Those things don't necessarily have anything to do with each other.
I think I'll finish that red wine and go to bed early. Livin' the dream, baby.
*different colored ties on bags of bread indicate which day the bread was baked.
Friday, December 10, 2010
hit the wall hit the wall hit the wall
I'm exhausted.
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean much, since I still have a lot left to do in the immediate future. I have a 20 page annotated biblio that's due Monday afternoon, that I have not even approached "almost done" on. I have a 7-page final due for the bullshit class. I've done a bit of re-reading for that and taken about a page of notes. It'll come together fine. I just need to sit down and type it out, but every time I decide to just get it out of the way, my brain starts its slow-burn freakout about the bibliography and I go back to read/note-taking for that. I also have a load of stuff to do at work, so much that one of my doctors asked if I'd spent the night at her place to help her finish this stuff in exchange for some overtime cash money. I didn't say no.
I canceled a trip to Baton Rouge for Friday night that I've been planning for about 3 weeks. I almost let myself get talked back into going by some friends, but I can't justify it. I can't justify driving down there and spending money (because all I really want to do is get wonderfully, obliviously drunk) and time that I don't really have, especially when I'll probably be there the weekend after anyway. It hurts though, because if there was ever a time that I wanted a break from reality, it's right now. I wanted to see music and dance and see all my friends and sleep on Christie's couch. I need some platonic love.
I've done really well at holding up so far, in the face of school/work stress + holiday/winter blues, but I can feel myself trying to slip into that place in my mind where I just want to be dark and dreary, mad and sad. I notice myself slipping into eating habits that are indicative of ED-land and I've made a concerted effort to put a stop to that immediately. I'm just kind of burnt out and I keep telling myself, "I will do this after Monday..." So far, that list consists of:
-Cleaning the house (this is kind of a nightmare at the moment)
-Get drinks with Ann
-Go to BR
-Write and mail Christmas cards
-Go thrift shopping for winter clothes (I've been cobbling together cold-weather outfits. Tonight, I wore leggings, a jersey summer skirt, an ACL t-shirt, a hoodie, a pashmina and flats to the library.)
-Go to the bank
-Figure out what I'm baking for Christmas (spoiler alert: if you get a present from me, it will be baked goods)
-Call my mom
I'm running on nervous energy right now (which probably has something to do with my recently-gone-to-shit sleeping habits--vicious cycle there), and I need it to last me just a little bit longer until I can crash.
Not everything is terrible though. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone who is coming into town for the holidays. Ann is already here, Phillip is in from China, Ravi and Devon will both be coming in around the end of the month. So the idea of fun soon kind of sustains me. The idea of getting done with classes and getting A's also sustains me.
So let's end on a good note. Marla is snuggling with me right now. My sweet neighbors (or "gaybors," as they refer to themselves) decked our 4-plex out for the holidays and it looks amazing. I bought this dress and it came in today and looks fantastic on. I'm going to wear it to a party that I'm attending as Alyson's date. I made amends (I think) with someone. I've been listening to Brendan Canning's "Something for All of Us" and it has been doing double duty as a walking/dancing and a study soundtrack. Check it:
Unfortunately, that doesn't mean much, since I still have a lot left to do in the immediate future. I have a 20 page annotated biblio that's due Monday afternoon, that I have not even approached "almost done" on. I have a 7-page final due for the bullshit class. I've done a bit of re-reading for that and taken about a page of notes. It'll come together fine. I just need to sit down and type it out, but every time I decide to just get it out of the way, my brain starts its slow-burn freakout about the bibliography and I go back to read/note-taking for that. I also have a load of stuff to do at work, so much that one of my doctors asked if I'd spent the night at her place to help her finish this stuff in exchange for some overtime cash money. I didn't say no.
I canceled a trip to Baton Rouge for Friday night that I've been planning for about 3 weeks. I almost let myself get talked back into going by some friends, but I can't justify it. I can't justify driving down there and spending money (because all I really want to do is get wonderfully, obliviously drunk) and time that I don't really have, especially when I'll probably be there the weekend after anyway. It hurts though, because if there was ever a time that I wanted a break from reality, it's right now. I wanted to see music and dance and see all my friends and sleep on Christie's couch. I need some platonic love.
I've done really well at holding up so far, in the face of school/work stress + holiday/winter blues, but I can feel myself trying to slip into that place in my mind where I just want to be dark and dreary, mad and sad. I notice myself slipping into eating habits that are indicative of ED-land and I've made a concerted effort to put a stop to that immediately. I'm just kind of burnt out and I keep telling myself, "I will do this after Monday..." So far, that list consists of:
-Cleaning the house (this is kind of a nightmare at the moment)
-Get drinks with Ann
-Go to BR
-Write and mail Christmas cards
-Go thrift shopping for winter clothes (I've been cobbling together cold-weather outfits. Tonight, I wore leggings, a jersey summer skirt, an ACL t-shirt, a hoodie, a pashmina and flats to the library.)
-Go to the bank
-Figure out what I'm baking for Christmas (spoiler alert: if you get a present from me, it will be baked goods)
-Call my mom
I'm running on nervous energy right now (which probably has something to do with my recently-gone-to-shit sleeping habits--vicious cycle there), and I need it to last me just a little bit longer until I can crash.
Not everything is terrible though. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone who is coming into town for the holidays. Ann is already here, Phillip is in from China, Ravi and Devon will both be coming in around the end of the month. So the idea of fun soon kind of sustains me. The idea of getting done with classes and getting A's also sustains me.
So let's end on a good note. Marla is snuggling with me right now. My sweet neighbors (or "gaybors," as they refer to themselves) decked our 4-plex out for the holidays and it looks amazing. I bought this dress and it came in today and looks fantastic on. I'm going to wear it to a party that I'm attending as Alyson's date. I made amends (I think) with someone. I've been listening to Brendan Canning's "Something for All of Us" and it has been doing double duty as a walking/dancing and a study soundtrack. Check it:
Friday, November 19, 2010
pacing
Good things right now:
-People who love me and who I love
-A decided lack of cynicism
-Money
-A lot of fun lately
-New friends
-Independent study option for lit crit
-Weight loss, despite my crap eating habits lately
-Writing
-Job
-Lots of plans with friends in the very near future
Bad things right now:
-A lot of school work to do
-Never enough money
-Never enough time
-Flaky skin
This is a good pace.
-People who love me and who I love
-A decided lack of cynicism
-Money
-A lot of fun lately
-New friends
-Independent study option for lit crit
-Weight loss, despite my crap eating habits lately
-Writing
-Job
-Lots of plans with friends in the very near future
Bad things right now:
-A lot of school work to do
-Never enough money
-Never enough time
-Flaky skin
This is a good pace.
Monday, November 8, 2010
"i just want to be me/when I can, I will"
Christie and I were talking earlier and I told her that so many parts of my life are converging right now that it makes me think I'll look back on this time of my life and see it was an important one.
I've had a lot going on lately, not just in the here and now. In terms of the smaller things, I went out with my neighbors and made friends with them. I've been busy with school and work and I'm broke only 8 days into the month, which only drives it home that I need to draw up a strict budget and stick to it (though, in my defense, much of the money I've spent has been catching up bills that I was overdue on from unemployment times). But there's also the bigger stuff. I suppose what's of the most interest to anyone reading is that I've started seeing someone. Ravi knows about it and approves (not that he'd ever act as though that was his right) and the guy, J, is a good guy. It is, admittedly, a bit of a struggle to adapt to the idea of dating again. Not just "getting back in the dating world" but the finality it implies for Ravi and I. I haven't held on to any ideas we'd be getting back together (in fact, we've both been encouraging each other to see other people), but it's still hard to move on from that relationship and finalize that end by moving on. That said, it's been very very fun to start seeing J and maybe that's a story I'll tell on here when I'm a little more comfortable with opening up about him in this forum.
But there are other changes happening and those are a little quieter. I spent a big part of this past summer weeding out people in my life who I felt were not good for me. The next part of that is weeding out the parts of myself that aren't good for me. I've felt very good, mentally and emotionally, these past months, despite a breakup, move, and stint of unemployment that would have been devastating to me a few years ago. But I've also been carefully monitoring myself to try and keep those old negativities at bay. I've worked very hard to be frank about anything I need to say, instead of passive-aggressively goading people into getting me to say what I need to say to them. I've learned (and will learn over and over again) how to keep my mouth shut when what I have to say isn't beneficial and I've self-censored when there's something I want to say that will hurt someone else (unless the benefit is worth more). I've tried to mend some broken bridges, but also tried to keep toxic people away. I mean, obviously I'm not perfect and these behaviors will still occur but I'm working to curb them.
Fall and winter always push me inside myself. In the past, I think that's why it was always so easy to get down, because I was so in my head and what was there was not happy. It's probably also why I started romances at those times, because I needed someone else to be there for me when I couldn't be there for myself (for the record, I've considered that might be where this thing with J is coming from, but I'm pretty sure its not). But it's also always the time I feel most alive, most myself. And right now, I feel that in a really pure way, almost raw. Like some sort of barebones structure of myself. I almost revel sometimes, in the idea that I am DOING THIS, I am broke and alone and HAPPY. And even though I'm not completely alone, I'm here alone and I'm not sad about it. In fact, in a recent conversation about the benefits of moving back to Baton Rouge, I firmly stated my intention to be here for "awhile." It's just something I have to do for myself and something that I may not ever have the chance to do again--to live for myself only. There's something huge in that, almost overwhelming when I consider it too much. There is this profound joy in very small things, like yesterday morning, I woke up early, leaving J sleeping, and made coffee in the french press and sat reading Chekhov in my office (what will one day be my dining room) and listening to Simon and Garfunkel while Marla sat in my lap.
I'm half considering deleting this whole entry because I feel like I can't quite express what I want to say, but I think I'll leave it here for my own reference right now.
Also, I've been reminded that, no matter what's going on in life, I still want to listen to Smashing Pumpkins when it's cold outside.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
where you went when you were alive
I've been shitty about updating lately, but only because I've been super busy. Between a full time job, full time school and trying to maintain a social life, things have been...cramped. But I'm not complaining, because this has been such an excellent month.
One of my best friends from high school, Chad, came to visit me. It was sort of strange seeing him, because I last saw him three years ago, after he moved back from Florida. He'd moved there to be with a girl I couldn't stand and he didn't really talk to me for about 2 years. But when he came to visit, we fell back into our old camaraderie and inside jokes. We went to Angeli's and the aquarium and we got ice cream at Haagan Daaz. It was just so good to see him and reminisce.
I found out my friend Nancy works in the same building as I do, and we've been having lunch together a lot. I've gone to a couple events at her place (a movie night and pumpkin carving), which has been nice both for hanging out with people and for having a fun evening for free.
My hot water inexplicably stopped working for about a week, which sucked. I was telling a girl in my class about it and she insisted that I come take a shower at her house if it didn't get turned back on soon.
I volunteered at Hollygrove Market and got free produce. I wrote a story for Goodnola.com about it, which should be published very soon. I'm working on another piece about why I volunteer and then I'll do another one on Nancy's theatre company, Girl Next Door Theater.
I did a lot of hanging out in Baton Rouge and I slept on Christie's couch and loved on my wonderful friends. I went to a wedding and ate brunch, I (re)met a guy(!), I went to Carlotta, I got drunk.
I had a series of conversations with Ravi about potentially starting to date other people and he has been nothing but awesome and loving and supportive. I told other friends about this and they were amazed. But it's really important to Ravi and I to be friends above everything else, to give each other mutual respect and support. I'm not being smug and saying my breakup is better than yours, but we were lucky to have a strong basis for our relationship and enough love between us to maintain it.
I went to Bourbon St. with another old friend, Michael, for Halloween (its been the month for reuniting with people) and we drank hand grenades, danced at gay bars, got loud and silly, screamed in shock at a girl walking down Bourbon with NO SHOES ON (NEVER DO THIS.) and got Popeyes' fried chicken at 1am. This morning, we went walking, had lunch at Panchitas and bought vintage t-shirts at Skip 'n' Whistle.
The job has been good and things are going really well at school. My lit. crit. professor invited me to a seminar, being held by a very prominent critic. He specifically mentioned that only certain students were being invited. :D I'm sad that I can't take any English classes next semester, but I'm scheduling 4 MLA classes, so it might actually be possible for me to complete this degree in a year and a half, like I want to do.
Today, I was walking down Carrollton, to go get an iced coffee from Z'OTZ, and I was listening to BSS. It reminded me of when I first moved here. I'd walk to Oak St. a lot, just to get out of the house, and those walks were sort of wondrous for me--the idea that I was walking around MY neighborhood in New Orleans, my new home, coming to terms with being alone and unemployed. I was so sad, but also happy in a burgeoning way, confused, lost but determined. All that washed over me as I walked and then I thought about how much better things have gotten in the past few months, how happy I was right there, right now. This is bliss.
One of my best friends from high school, Chad, came to visit me. It was sort of strange seeing him, because I last saw him three years ago, after he moved back from Florida. He'd moved there to be with a girl I couldn't stand and he didn't really talk to me for about 2 years. But when he came to visit, we fell back into our old camaraderie and inside jokes. We went to Angeli's and the aquarium and we got ice cream at Haagan Daaz. It was just so good to see him and reminisce.
I found out my friend Nancy works in the same building as I do, and we've been having lunch together a lot. I've gone to a couple events at her place (a movie night and pumpkin carving), which has been nice both for hanging out with people and for having a fun evening for free.
My hot water inexplicably stopped working for about a week, which sucked. I was telling a girl in my class about it and she insisted that I come take a shower at her house if it didn't get turned back on soon.
I volunteered at Hollygrove Market and got free produce. I wrote a story for Goodnola.com about it, which should be published very soon. I'm working on another piece about why I volunteer and then I'll do another one on Nancy's theatre company, Girl Next Door Theater.
I did a lot of hanging out in Baton Rouge and I slept on Christie's couch and loved on my wonderful friends. I went to a wedding and ate brunch, I (re)met a guy(!), I went to Carlotta, I got drunk.
I had a series of conversations with Ravi about potentially starting to date other people and he has been nothing but awesome and loving and supportive. I told other friends about this and they were amazed. But it's really important to Ravi and I to be friends above everything else, to give each other mutual respect and support. I'm not being smug and saying my breakup is better than yours, but we were lucky to have a strong basis for our relationship and enough love between us to maintain it.
I went to Bourbon St. with another old friend, Michael, for Halloween (its been the month for reuniting with people) and we drank hand grenades, danced at gay bars, got loud and silly, screamed in shock at a girl walking down Bourbon with NO SHOES ON (NEVER DO THIS.) and got Popeyes' fried chicken at 1am. This morning, we went walking, had lunch at Panchitas and bought vintage t-shirts at Skip 'n' Whistle.
The job has been good and things are going really well at school. My lit. crit. professor invited me to a seminar, being held by a very prominent critic. He specifically mentioned that only certain students were being invited. :D I'm sad that I can't take any English classes next semester, but I'm scheduling 4 MLA classes, so it might actually be possible for me to complete this degree in a year and a half, like I want to do.
Today, I was walking down Carrollton, to go get an iced coffee from Z'OTZ, and I was listening to BSS. It reminded me of when I first moved here. I'd walk to Oak St. a lot, just to get out of the house, and those walks were sort of wondrous for me--the idea that I was walking around MY neighborhood in New Orleans, my new home, coming to terms with being alone and unemployed. I was so sad, but also happy in a burgeoning way, confused, lost but determined. All that washed over me as I walked and then I thought about how much better things have gotten in the past few months, how happy I was right there, right now. This is bliss.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
"come on, it's such a joy"
I've spent most of this week reeling from the sudden change to my schedule. When I was unemployed, I'd usually stay up til 2 or 3 am, sleep til 11 then spend the rest of the day reading and going to class. Now, I feel like I'm back in my undergrad days. I'm particularly unlucky to have acquired a job right in the middle of midterms; I put off a midterm that I then realized was due a day earlier than I had originally assumed. This midterm is important to me because a) it's for literary criticism, a subject dear to me and b) the teacher is someone I very much hope to impress because I would like a recommendation letter from him when Ph.D time comes. So I worked from 10pm until 5am. I decided to go to bed at that time, because I only had a few more quote to organize and a conclusion to write before I turned it in later in the day. But I drank a huge glass of iced coffee around midnight and had paper-writing jitters, so I rolled around in bed for an hour, despite employing every single old method for overcoming insomnia that my old therapist gave me. The last time I looked at the clock, it was 5:35 and I guess I dozed off somewhere around there. I woke up at 6:50 and took a hot shower. That water could not get hot enough. I felt clammy and sick and I just wanted to be warm. I got out, wrapped up in a towel and finished the paper on the bathroom floor. Then I went to work and, later, class, on one hour of sleep. When I was finally able to sleep last night, it was my deepest sleep in recent memory. I haven't really been sleeping well since the breakup, waking up at least twice a night and sleeping very lightly. Last night, I slept for 11 hours, slept so hard that I don't even remember dreaming and when I woke up, I felt like I was still asleep.
But I like the job well enough (though apparently I walked right into some sort of lady secretary turf war that my trainer keeps trying to enlist me in). I actually hope they give me more work than what I currently have, otherwise, I think I'm going to be bored a lot. I have my own office, I'm working for 4 very friendly doctors and most of my co-workers seem amiable enough. But there is one thing--everyone there calls me Amanda. This started because it was what was on my application and resume. When they called me for an interview, I didn't want to establish any kind of casualness for fear of looking unprofessional (yeah, I don't know.). Then I felt silly saying, "By the way, call me 'Mandi'" after 3 meetings. So I've been answering to and introducing myself as "Amanda." This has also happened in my English class, because I was intimidated by my teacher at first. Being called "Amanda" is uncanny for me in a way. I am just extraordinarily unaccustomed to it. The only time I'm ever called "Amanda" is when my friends are joking with me. My mom has called me by "Amanda" 3 times, ever. Even just seeing it typed out is strange to me--I have a "that's not my name" feeling toward it. I've slowly started correcting a few people here and there, so maybe it will change. But admittedly, there is this part of me that likes the feeling of having assumed some sort of fake identity (in the form of my "real" name).
One thing I don't like about the new job is that I only get paid once a month, at the end of each month. Because of that, I've had to go off a lot of medication, including my birth control, which is $47 until I hit my deductible. The birth control will be the first thing to come back when I get money (trust me when I say that I am not a good person to be around when not on my BC) but the rest of it may have to wait, because I'll be playing catch up with this first paycheck.
I'm glad that it finally feels like life coming together, that it's getting good in a fuller sense (i.e. not just good moments in a sea of "okay" or sometimes "not okay" and "bad"). Autumn is here, accompanied by some absolutely gorgeous weather. I have an income. I have three stories on the roster for GoodNola. I am having a mild flirtation with a guy in my class. Classes are going well. I've lost (more) weight. I met some people and hopefully I'll work up the nerve to hang out with them again (I don't think I'd realized how bad my social anxiety had gotten until I was nearly overcome with fear when I went to meet Nancy the other night and there was a large crowd of strangers in her midst, strangers I knew I would have to talk to. I ended up having a lovely evening and meeting a new friendly person). I've gotten into a habit of writing little cards and notes to people, which makes me exceedingly happy because I find great joy in handwritten messages (sorry about my penmanship, everyone). I made up with an old old friend and we've talked on the phone twice this week. He's coming to visit and take me to the aquarium this weekend. It feels good to do things. I know that's the simplest sentence ever, but it's true and it is.
I just can't do people. Why you gotta be so expensive, birth control?
Monday, September 27, 2010
wonderful tonight
For the first time in months, I feel relaxed. I'm curled up on my couch, in my leggings and Righteous Babe tshirt, sipping a large glass of wine and letting the cool air come in through the open front door. I haven't even turned on the A/C. It feels fantastic outside.
I got a call this morning, asking me if I could come in an hour and a half early for my interview. With a little rushing, I was able to make it (10 minutes early even!). I chatted with the two people who had previously interviewed me, before meeting the doctor who would be conducting this interview. We sat down in his office and he immediately asked me, "What would it take for us to get you to come on here?" Talk about a surprise. I hope I kept my surprise in check, because I really wanted to say, "A job offer and $10/hr." Instead, I talked about good people, challenging work environments, benefits, etc. We talked a bit about the job and about New Orleans in general ("I'm a New Orleans boy, born and raised. I've been elsewhere...lots of elsewheres...but there's not a better place in the world than New Orleans. You should stay here, even if you don't stay HERE.") before he said, "Look. Your resume is...impressive. It's more than impressive. I think you would excel here and, to be honest...well I'm not supposed to say this but I'll say it...you're our first pick."
After that, I went back to my original interviewers and was given a tour of the office. We sat down to finish up the interview and I asked about some specifics. I'd be expected to work a 40 hour work week, with flexibility allowed for my school schedule (so long as I don't take mid-afternoon classes). Normal starting salary for the job is about what I made at LCA, but they're going to ask for that to be bumped up, based on my experience and education. A formal offer will be made as soon as HR processes the background check and checks references.
As I was leaving, I got a call from my former HR Director. "Did you just have an interview?!," she asked. When I told her yes and the company, she said, "Oh my God, one of their doctors called Dr. R--- and asked him for a recommendation of you!" "WHAT DID HE SAY?!!!" "He gave them a great recommendation and the doctor told him that the job was YOURS!!!"
I celebrated by getting some (amazing) fro-yo at Pinkberry and reading Dangerous Liaisons outside. I'm so happy about this. Last night, I began to think I had been too cocky about thinking I would get this job, that I'd get a call: "So sorry, but we've actually decided to hire someone else. Best of luck!" I quietly considered the possibilities of subletting the apartment and transferring my degree back to LSU. Right now, I am relieved. And I am happy, both that I have a job and that I can stay in this city that I have grown to love more than I would have ever thought possible.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
flying high
Today has been a banner day!
I woke up to a call asking if I could come for a follow up interview for a job I'm trying to get. A little background:
As most reading this blog know, I've been searching for a job since mid-July. Things have been getting a little desperate--thank goodness for parents, savings and an insurance filing mishap that worked out in my favor. Otherwise, I wouldn't have an apartment right now.
So about a week and a half ago, I get a call asking if I could come in for an interview at a medical clinic at Tulane. I didn't even remember applying to this job, but I said sure. I got the address, the suite number, etc. I Googled-mapped the address and saw it was about 10 minutes from home. So I left 30 minutes earlier, thinking I was giving myself a good 20 minute barrier to get down there and find the office. This, in retrospect, was idiotic. It's New Orleans. There is a lot of traffic. And something is ALWAYS going on. So I get there with about 8 minutes to spare. I drive around to the parking lot I was told to park in and...it's full. I drive around some more and there is no parking. I call the interviewer and let her know that I will be a wee bit late, due to the parking situation. I find parking and dump every silver coin on my person into the meter. I enter the building.
It is the wrong building. "You need to go to the second floor and take the crosswalk to the building across the street. Go to the fourth floor," a security guard tells me. I do this. I pat the sweat off my face, walk up to the front desk and tell the receptionist I'm here for an interview. She looks at me like I'm insane. "We're not hiring."
'No no, I have an interview!"
"With who?"
"Ms. W--"
"That person doesn't work here."
Eventually she tells me "OH! I bet you need to go to HR." Okay, this sounds like it could be correct. I go down two floors, go through two crosswalks and go into HR. My legs are slippery at this point and I'm wishing I hadn't used lotion on them. I feel slimy. I walk to the desk and tell this receptionist that I'm here for an interview.
She too has never heard of Ms. W--.
I begin to cry.
A physician in the room and the lady at the desk both start trying to help me and track down Ms. W--. Meanwhile, I am desperately trying to call Ms. W because it is 25 minutes past my interview time. I finally reach her and figure out where i need to go. I arrive, sweaty, sporting streaky makeup and overall probably looking more than slightly off kilter.
But damn if I didn't ace that interview.
There were some awkward moments. At one point, I was talking and my nerves got the best of me and I ended up forgetting what I was saying. Suddenly I understood Miss South Carolina. I stopped, breathed and said, "I'm sorry, I'm a little lightheaded right now." I also called Ms. W-- by an incorrect name and said "Why break what isn't fixed?" before quickly correcting myself. But I can do everything they want someone in that position to do, I was able to offer ways to do it better, able to quickly come up with good responses to what-would-you-do scenarios and I think I appeared confident, or at least as much as I could possibly be in those circumstances. I'm excited that they called back. I think it'd be a good job for me.
After that call, I checked my email and saw Groupon was offering a $20 haircut. My hair is in shambles lately and I'd been bemoaning the fact that I didn't have $45 to drop on getting it cut well. I Googled the salon and reviews were excellent, so I bought the Groupon.
I had breakfast and, in my purse, I found a Gap coupon for 15% off (it was an old purse. And I keep everything in my purses), so I went there and bought 2 shirts that I've been eyeing and got the customer service of my life. Then, I went to Dorignac's.
I went there because Ann had given me a gift certificate as thanks for looking after Fred the cat. She told me I'd love it and she was right.Dorignac's is a little grocery store from the late 1940's and it's easy to imagine that you're stepping back in time when you go there. Their stock is amazing and there are lots of hard-to-find items there, as well as a lot of throwback things and many specialty LA items. Here's what I ended up buying (I went over the gift certificate amount by a bit ^_^)
-Ghirardelli bittersweet chocolate chips (I don't know WHY, but these are seemingly impossible to find in NOLA, despite being able to find them anywhere in BR. I have checked 4 different grocery stores before finding them at Dorignac's.)
-A box of powered milk, for bread baking and for a project I'm working on
-1 box rennet tablets (I've been toying with the idea of making some cheese)
-1 box Ball canning lids
-A container of strawberries
-A jar of kalamata olives
-2 containers of creole cream cheese which I have loved for years--it seemed the right thing to do to buy some from Dorignac's.
-1/2 lb. of rare roast beef, on Ann's recommendation (it is so. good.)
-A brick of 1/3 fat cream cheese (this is my fave kind of cream cheese and another item that I can't find anywhere. Will be eaten with pepper jelly soon.)
-Swiss cheese
I came home and then got a message from a friend asking if I'd like to do coffee. We met and, post coffee, went to Sucre, where I had 3 macaroons--chocolate, hazelnut and pistachio. I'd never had a macaroon before. They were interesting--subtle, delicate and pricy. I liked them but I felt they were lacking a bit in something. However, my friend got some delicious coconut and basil gelato, the candies there looked extraordinary and the person who helped me was wonderfully nice, so I'd still recommend Sucre. Even the macaroon, if you're looking for a little treat.
We ended the night at St. Joe's Bar and actually ran into a guy who used to be friends with one of my ex-roommates. We caught up and he recommended the blueberry mojito. I'm normally not big on mojitos, but I liked this one. Maybe not something I'd order every time, but I'd get it again.
So, all in all, a good day. One that will end in about 5 minutes, as I've fallen asleep twice while typing this.
I woke up to a call asking if I could come for a follow up interview for a job I'm trying to get. A little background:
As most reading this blog know, I've been searching for a job since mid-July. Things have been getting a little desperate--thank goodness for parents, savings and an insurance filing mishap that worked out in my favor. Otherwise, I wouldn't have an apartment right now.
So about a week and a half ago, I get a call asking if I could come in for an interview at a medical clinic at Tulane. I didn't even remember applying to this job, but I said sure. I got the address, the suite number, etc. I Googled-mapped the address and saw it was about 10 minutes from home. So I left 30 minutes earlier, thinking I was giving myself a good 20 minute barrier to get down there and find the office. This, in retrospect, was idiotic. It's New Orleans. There is a lot of traffic. And something is ALWAYS going on. So I get there with about 8 minutes to spare. I drive around to the parking lot I was told to park in and...it's full. I drive around some more and there is no parking. I call the interviewer and let her know that I will be a wee bit late, due to the parking situation. I find parking and dump every silver coin on my person into the meter. I enter the building.
It is the wrong building. "You need to go to the second floor and take the crosswalk to the building across the street. Go to the fourth floor," a security guard tells me. I do this. I pat the sweat off my face, walk up to the front desk and tell the receptionist I'm here for an interview. She looks at me like I'm insane. "We're not hiring."
'No no, I have an interview!"
"With who?"
"Ms. W--"
"That person doesn't work here."
Eventually she tells me "OH! I bet you need to go to HR." Okay, this sounds like it could be correct. I go down two floors, go through two crosswalks and go into HR. My legs are slippery at this point and I'm wishing I hadn't used lotion on them. I feel slimy. I walk to the desk and tell this receptionist that I'm here for an interview.
She too has never heard of Ms. W--.
I begin to cry.
A physician in the room and the lady at the desk both start trying to help me and track down Ms. W--. Meanwhile, I am desperately trying to call Ms. W because it is 25 minutes past my interview time. I finally reach her and figure out where i need to go. I arrive, sweaty, sporting streaky makeup and overall probably looking more than slightly off kilter.
But damn if I didn't ace that interview.
There were some awkward moments. At one point, I was talking and my nerves got the best of me and I ended up forgetting what I was saying. Suddenly I understood Miss South Carolina. I stopped, breathed and said, "I'm sorry, I'm a little lightheaded right now." I also called Ms. W-- by an incorrect name and said "Why break what isn't fixed?" before quickly correcting myself. But I can do everything they want someone in that position to do, I was able to offer ways to do it better, able to quickly come up with good responses to what-would-you-do scenarios and I think I appeared confident, or at least as much as I could possibly be in those circumstances. I'm excited that they called back. I think it'd be a good job for me.
After that call, I checked my email and saw Groupon was offering a $20 haircut. My hair is in shambles lately and I'd been bemoaning the fact that I didn't have $45 to drop on getting it cut well. I Googled the salon and reviews were excellent, so I bought the Groupon.
I had breakfast and, in my purse, I found a Gap coupon for 15% off (it was an old purse. And I keep everything in my purses), so I went there and bought 2 shirts that I've been eyeing and got the customer service of my life. Then, I went to Dorignac's.
I went there because Ann had given me a gift certificate as thanks for looking after Fred the cat. She told me I'd love it and she was right.Dorignac's is a little grocery store from the late 1940's and it's easy to imagine that you're stepping back in time when you go there. Their stock is amazing and there are lots of hard-to-find items there, as well as a lot of throwback things and many specialty LA items. Here's what I ended up buying (I went over the gift certificate amount by a bit ^_^)
-Ghirardelli bittersweet chocolate chips (I don't know WHY, but these are seemingly impossible to find in NOLA, despite being able to find them anywhere in BR. I have checked 4 different grocery stores before finding them at Dorignac's.)
-A box of powered milk, for bread baking and for a project I'm working on
-1 box rennet tablets (I've been toying with the idea of making some cheese)
-1 box Ball canning lids
-A container of strawberries
-A jar of kalamata olives
-2 containers of creole cream cheese which I have loved for years--it seemed the right thing to do to buy some from Dorignac's.
-1/2 lb. of rare roast beef, on Ann's recommendation (it is so. good.)
-A brick of 1/3 fat cream cheese (this is my fave kind of cream cheese and another item that I can't find anywhere. Will be eaten with pepper jelly soon.)
-Swiss cheese
I came home and then got a message from a friend asking if I'd like to do coffee. We met and, post coffee, went to Sucre, where I had 3 macaroons--chocolate, hazelnut and pistachio. I'd never had a macaroon before. They were interesting--subtle, delicate and pricy. I liked them but I felt they were lacking a bit in something. However, my friend got some delicious coconut and basil gelato, the candies there looked extraordinary and the person who helped me was wonderfully nice, so I'd still recommend Sucre. Even the macaroon, if you're looking for a little treat.
We ended the night at St. Joe's Bar and actually ran into a guy who used to be friends with one of my ex-roommates. We caught up and he recommended the blueberry mojito. I'm normally not big on mojitos, but I liked this one. Maybe not something I'd order every time, but I'd get it again.
So, all in all, a good day. One that will end in about 5 minutes, as I've fallen asleep twice while typing this.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
the art of doing
Once again, my procrastination has gotten the best of me and, at 2am, I just took a loaf of bread out the oven, finished a chapter of Plato's Gorgias and laid out my outfit for an interview tomorrow. I hope the outfit is okay--I almost went with a kind of frumpy fuchsia (sounds like an oxymoron but it's not) sleeveless dress, that looks kind of old on me. I decided on a simple black A-line dress (which my former boss once referred to as "short" but is the same length as the fuchsia dress that she loved, so I feel like it's okay?) and a green cardigan with low black heels. It's an outfit I feel comfortable and myself in.
Aside--I looked up fuchsia on wikipedia to see if there was another color on the color scale that better fit the description and I came across Antique Fuchsia, which needs to make an immediate comeback, so I can wear it constantly.
Tomorrow, I need to get up early, remove my leftover nailpolish, possibly paint my nails a more neutral color (currently, they are half-coated with my current favorite OPI Dark Room), remember to remove my nose ring, shave legs, style hair into some semblance of decency (my hair is badly in need of an unaffordable trim) and get directions to the interview. I'm not so worried about getting there as I am about traffic and parking, so I want to leave an hour early, to give myself plenty of time.
Then I come back home, whip up a quick paper on the first chapter of Gorgias and get to class. Which I could have done already, but...you know. Why do things before the VERYLASTMINUTE?
Depending on how well this interview goes, there's a small chance I'll drive to Austin on Thursday, since my literary criticism class was cancelled. But Ravi has a test next Monday, so he'll probably be busy studying. I'm still ambivalent about visiting, but I'd like to see him. We'll see. It's more likely that I'll be here, working on schoolwork and writing a presentation about Marxism in Wuthering Heights...which isn't such a bad way to spend the weekend either :)
On a last note, let me mention the bread. Lately, I've been baking this oatmeal sandwich bread from Kim Boyce's Good to the Grain (a book I desperately want, as I've loved pretty much every recipe from it that I've found on other websites and have loved most). I have really enjoyed this bread--it's a hearty, sturdy kind of bread, a bread that you don't feel (as) bad about eating, almost earnest with its oats and molasses. I've had it for breakfast many mornings. The thing is...I haven't much cared for it as a sandwich bread. The crust tends to be quite crunchy and thick and the bread doesn't yield in quite the way I look for in a sandwich bread. So, a few days ago, I decided to give Smitten Kitchen's wheat sandwich bread a try, because Deb has rarely let me down (anyone close to me knows that a large amount of what comes out of my kitchen is SK-inspired.) I put off making this because I didn't have powered milk. Today, I drove to Rouses' to get some only to find that the only powdered milk they had came in a $15 box that held more powdered milk than I will ever need. Not having time to go elsewhere before class, I gave up and decided to just sub while milk. It worked wonderfully. The bread came out quite well (a little on the small size, slice-wise, but that's my own fault for using a longer-than-average sized loaf pan), sliced perfectly, even with my cheapo serrated knife, and tastes amazing. It has a little more white flour than I really wanted, but it has that tender elasticity that equals perfect sandwich bread for me. Tomorrow's lunch might be a roasted eggplant and tahini sandwich. Hopefully a lunch that celebrates a new job! Cross those fingers.
Aside--I looked up fuchsia on wikipedia to see if there was another color on the color scale that better fit the description and I came across Antique Fuchsia, which needs to make an immediate comeback, so I can wear it constantly.
Tomorrow, I need to get up early, remove my leftover nailpolish, possibly paint my nails a more neutral color (currently, they are half-coated with my current favorite OPI Dark Room), remember to remove my nose ring, shave legs, style hair into some semblance of decency (my hair is badly in need of an unaffordable trim) and get directions to the interview. I'm not so worried about getting there as I am about traffic and parking, so I want to leave an hour early, to give myself plenty of time.
Then I come back home, whip up a quick paper on the first chapter of Gorgias and get to class. Which I could have done already, but...you know. Why do things before the VERYLASTMINUTE?
Depending on how well this interview goes, there's a small chance I'll drive to Austin on Thursday, since my literary criticism class was cancelled. But Ravi has a test next Monday, so he'll probably be busy studying. I'm still ambivalent about visiting, but I'd like to see him. We'll see. It's more likely that I'll be here, working on schoolwork and writing a presentation about Marxism in Wuthering Heights...which isn't such a bad way to spend the weekend either :)
On a last note, let me mention the bread. Lately, I've been baking this oatmeal sandwich bread from Kim Boyce's Good to the Grain (a book I desperately want, as I've loved pretty much every recipe from it that I've found on other websites and have loved most). I have really enjoyed this bread--it's a hearty, sturdy kind of bread, a bread that you don't feel (as) bad about eating, almost earnest with its oats and molasses. I've had it for breakfast many mornings. The thing is...I haven't much cared for it as a sandwich bread. The crust tends to be quite crunchy and thick and the bread doesn't yield in quite the way I look for in a sandwich bread. So, a few days ago, I decided to give Smitten Kitchen's wheat sandwich bread a try, because Deb has rarely let me down (anyone close to me knows that a large amount of what comes out of my kitchen is SK-inspired.) I put off making this because I didn't have powered milk. Today, I drove to Rouses' to get some only to find that the only powdered milk they had came in a $15 box that held more powdered milk than I will ever need. Not having time to go elsewhere before class, I gave up and decided to just sub while milk. It worked wonderfully. The bread came out quite well (a little on the small size, slice-wise, but that's my own fault for using a longer-than-average sized loaf pan), sliced perfectly, even with my cheapo serrated knife, and tastes amazing. It has a little more white flour than I really wanted, but it has that tender elasticity that equals perfect sandwich bread for me. Tomorrow's lunch might be a roasted eggplant and tahini sandwich. Hopefully a lunch that celebrates a new job! Cross those fingers.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
don't we always die trying anyway?
Lately I have been really worried about what I'm going to do about money in the next few months. I have bills coming up that are going to wipe out the last bit of money in my checking account and rent is going to decimate my savings. I need a job. I probably need jobs. I've applied and applied and nothing comes back. I know I need to just go and get a job waitressing but I know that waitressing by itself probably isn't going to cover $750 a month in rent plus bills. It's probably going to take 2 jobs.
And I begin to wonder...what am I doing here? Why did I leave a good job, a job where I probably would have been able to go to school at LSU to get the same degree I'm getting here? Why did I move here for what is basically a bullshit degree? Why am I doing this to myself?
But.
It's easy to get pulled down in that, especially in this precarious position. And I have to remind myself: I'm here because this is one of the few times in my life that I will have a chance to do something on my own. I have friends and family, people who love me, rallied behind me, but in the end, it's just me. I needed to get out of Baton Rouge, even though I didn't realize it at the time. I needed to cut the safety net and do it alone. Because if I would have stayed, I would have lived with that feeling that I wasn't trying and that often leads to apathy. I'd stop wanting to try, occasionally wondering what might have happened. I had to give myself that chance to do something bigger, to go to Tulane and maybe get into a Ph.D here and live in New Orleans by myself and earn my own way and figure out what I want. Because until we step outside of those boxes, it's hard realistically say "I want this." Well, it's hard for me anyway. In just the month I've been here, I've felt more at home in my own skin than I maybe have ever felt. Sometimes it's awful and painful and sad, but sometimes, little moments, it's a kind of exaltation. Realizing I could be alone was freeing for me. Not that I want to be alone forever, but I think that doing it for awhile gives one a sense of clarity and a sense of self that is difficult to attain otherwise. For me, it's also been a lesson in fortitude, or maybe a reminder of it--that I can be strong when I want to be.
So when I get down, I just keep telling myself, "Push yourself. Give it your all. Make it work. Make. It."
And I begin to wonder...what am I doing here? Why did I leave a good job, a job where I probably would have been able to go to school at LSU to get the same degree I'm getting here? Why did I move here for what is basically a bullshit degree? Why am I doing this to myself?
But.
It's easy to get pulled down in that, especially in this precarious position. And I have to remind myself: I'm here because this is one of the few times in my life that I will have a chance to do something on my own. I have friends and family, people who love me, rallied behind me, but in the end, it's just me. I needed to get out of Baton Rouge, even though I didn't realize it at the time. I needed to cut the safety net and do it alone. Because if I would have stayed, I would have lived with that feeling that I wasn't trying and that often leads to apathy. I'd stop wanting to try, occasionally wondering what might have happened. I had to give myself that chance to do something bigger, to go to Tulane and maybe get into a Ph.D here and live in New Orleans by myself and earn my own way and figure out what I want. Because until we step outside of those boxes, it's hard realistically say "I want this." Well, it's hard for me anyway. In just the month I've been here, I've felt more at home in my own skin than I maybe have ever felt. Sometimes it's awful and painful and sad, but sometimes, little moments, it's a kind of exaltation. Realizing I could be alone was freeing for me. Not that I want to be alone forever, but I think that doing it for awhile gives one a sense of clarity and a sense of self that is difficult to attain otherwise. For me, it's also been a lesson in fortitude, or maybe a reminder of it--that I can be strong when I want to be.
So when I get down, I just keep telling myself, "Push yourself. Give it your all. Make it work. Make. It."
Monday, September 6, 2010
movin'
This weekend I:
-Baked a loaf of bread
-Read and got tipsy on my porch
-Received an excellent critique on a paper ("This is an excellent essay. I love the different levels of analysis and how you resist the easier interpretations of the speech. (...)You make a number of insightful points about Gorgias and Protagoras, and your conclusion is very suggestive, since it represents precisely the problem with treating this group of thinkers as belonging to a “movement”. This is a very good start and I look forward to reading more of your work. You have the right focus on subtlety and nuance to excel in this course.")
-Went to a party that I was really nervous about attending and ended up having a very good time.
-Got lost in Algiers Point
-Met up with friends at 3 am and had more fun.
-Twice lured Fred the cat out from under the house with Suzanne Goin's leftover chicken after said friends let him out.
-Had breakfast at Oak St. Cafe
-Took a 3 hour nap
-Applied for jobs
-Dusted
-Had a breakfast of homemade toast, homemade stewed peaches and tea
-Unpacked more boxes
-Tried in vain to set up my electronics (how I've lost 3 RCA cables, I do not know)
-Listened to a lot of Motown-esque music
-Had a good talk w/ Ravi about relationships
-Made plans with two friends for this coming week
-Bottled (jarred) some corncob wine
-Worked on a paper for school
All in all, it's been a very productive holiday weekend.
-Baked a loaf of bread
-Read and got tipsy on my porch
-Received an excellent critique on a paper ("This is an excellent essay. I love the different levels of analysis and how you resist the easier interpretations of the speech. (...)You make a number of insightful points about Gorgias and Protagoras, and your conclusion is very suggestive, since it represents precisely the problem with treating this group of thinkers as belonging to a “movement”. This is a very good start and I look forward to reading more of your work. You have the right focus on subtlety and nuance to excel in this course.")
-Went to a party that I was really nervous about attending and ended up having a very good time.
-Got lost in Algiers Point
-Met up with friends at 3 am and had more fun.
-Twice lured Fred the cat out from under the house with Suzanne Goin's leftover chicken after said friends let him out.
-Had breakfast at Oak St. Cafe
-Took a 3 hour nap
-Applied for jobs
-Dusted
-Had a breakfast of homemade toast, homemade stewed peaches and tea
-Unpacked more boxes
-Tried in vain to set up my electronics (how I've lost 3 RCA cables, I do not know)
-Listened to a lot of Motown-esque music
-Had a good talk w/ Ravi about relationships
-Made plans with two friends for this coming week
-Bottled (jarred) some corncob wine
-Worked on a paper for school
All in all, it's been a very productive holiday weekend.
Friday, August 20, 2010
read me the letter, baby/do not leave out the words
I really want to write an entry here but all I can think of are little fragments that don't work well together in paragraphs. So, here:
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
escape
Last Friday, I got to a point where I started to worry myself, so I threw some clothes in a backpack and drove back to Baton Rouge a day earlier than I needed to be there (Saturday was a 50th/80th birthday party for my dad and grandma; respectively). I spent time with friends and slept on Christie's couch a couple of nights and on T n T's guest bed another night. I drank a lot and spent time with people I love and/or adore and cried a lot and slept very little. I lost 3 pounds.
On Monday, on my way back, I stopped to see my mom and some family members were there. I was told I looked tired and depressed. My mom asked me, "why are you depressed?" I said, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I don't have a job, all my friends live in other towns." She said, "you'll find a job soon." I didn't know how to reply to that, so I muttered, "I know." We went for a pedicure and that was nice until I threw up in the salon bathroom, since all I'd "eaten" that day was juice and that never interacts well with my medicine.
All that to say that when I finally got back to New Orleans, where I thought I was escaping on Friday, I felt better. Driving up the Causeway in 5 o'clock traffic felt relaxing. Walking in to my apartment felt like coming home. I'm still depressed and probably not taking care of myself as I should, but I felt worse in Baton Rouge, surrounded by all those people, than I did alone on my couch. I don't mean to devalue those people, because they didn't cause that breakdown and I think it would have been worse without them. Rather, I think having them help me through it enabled me to come back home and be okay with being alone again, for awhile.
On Monday, on my way back, I stopped to see my mom and some family members were there. I was told I looked tired and depressed. My mom asked me, "why are you depressed?" I said, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I don't have a job, all my friends live in other towns." She said, "you'll find a job soon." I didn't know how to reply to that, so I muttered, "I know." We went for a pedicure and that was nice until I threw up in the salon bathroom, since all I'd "eaten" that day was juice and that never interacts well with my medicine.
All that to say that when I finally got back to New Orleans, where I thought I was escaping on Friday, I felt better. Driving up the Causeway in 5 o'clock traffic felt relaxing. Walking in to my apartment felt like coming home. I'm still depressed and probably not taking care of myself as I should, but I felt worse in Baton Rouge, surrounded by all those people, than I did alone on my couch. I don't mean to devalue those people, because they didn't cause that breakdown and I think it would have been worse without them. Rather, I think having them help me through it enabled me to come back home and be okay with being alone again, for awhile.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
applied
I just finished applying for 6 jobs:
-the vaguely described "Project Assistant," with a slightly alarming requirement for the "Ability to communicate sound judgement [sic] and respond quickly to emergency situations." Luckily, I'm also told in the announcement that I won't be at risk for tuberculosis. Small victories.
-"Grant/Contracts specialist," which I'm not hugely qualified for, but decided to apply for anyway because it's at Tulane.
-Some freelancing jobs, an idea I got from Christie.
-Freelance copy editing
-"Office automation assistant"--robotic, no?
-The old fallback of "Admin assistant."
I'm trying to keep myself from becoming too stressed out about this. I've been getting less and less sleep, due to having nightmares that fade away into very strange concerns that seem plausible at 4:45 am--bugs are crawling all over me, I will be fired from my job if I don't go in right now, Ravi is telling everyone he's been cheating on me for our whole relationship.
I'm cheered that my soon-to-be landlord and I were finally able to speak on the phone and hash out some of the details of the apartment situation. He was quite kind and is allowing me to pay my deposit in halves, as well as submit the lease via mail, which saves me a drive to New Orleans (not that I'd have minded too much, but it's nice not to use the gas). Of course, in a way this only stokes my money worries, as my thoughts veer toward "how will you pay for this apartment WITH NO JOB," but I have to remember that there are jobs out there and that I have loan money to fall back on as a last resort.
I'm also wryly pleased that my normal remedy for stressful situations, ice cream, has made me feel a bit sick and pretty out of sorts. That's a good, if somewhat sad, thing to have happened.
-the vaguely described "Project Assistant," with a slightly alarming requirement for the "Ability to communicate sound judgement [sic] and respond quickly to emergency situations." Luckily, I'm also told in the announcement that I won't be at risk for tuberculosis. Small victories.
-"Grant/Contracts specialist," which I'm not hugely qualified for, but decided to apply for anyway because it's at Tulane.
-Some freelancing jobs, an idea I got from Christie.
-Freelance copy editing
-"Office automation assistant"--robotic, no?
-The old fallback of "Admin assistant."
I'm trying to keep myself from becoming too stressed out about this. I've been getting less and less sleep, due to having nightmares that fade away into very strange concerns that seem plausible at 4:45 am--bugs are crawling all over me, I will be fired from my job if I don't go in right now, Ravi is telling everyone he's been cheating on me for our whole relationship.
I'm cheered that my soon-to-be landlord and I were finally able to speak on the phone and hash out some of the details of the apartment situation. He was quite kind and is allowing me to pay my deposit in halves, as well as submit the lease via mail, which saves me a drive to New Orleans (not that I'd have minded too much, but it's nice not to use the gas). Of course, in a way this only stokes my money worries, as my thoughts veer toward "how will you pay for this apartment WITH NO JOB," but I have to remember that there are jobs out there and that I have loan money to fall back on as a last resort.
I'm also wryly pleased that my normal remedy for stressful situations, ice cream, has made me feel a bit sick and pretty out of sorts. That's a good, if somewhat sad, thing to have happened.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
if man is five...
I have been terribly anxious these last couple of days. Last night, I had one of those nightmares where you wake up and fall asleep and continue having the nightmare.
In this one, Ravi and I were out to eat with a large group of people. He started laughing manically and told me he'd been cheating on me and that he and some girl were having really wild sex. Then he lowered his head to reveal huge patches of hair missing, leaving bald spots and bright red scars. I ran away and ended up in a room where everyone was asking me about Ravi and I had to explain that he was cheating on me. I wanted to tell my mom and I finally found her, but I started crying while she screamed at me to tell her what was wrong. I finally told her Ravi had cheated on me and she got really angry and disappeared. The last thing I remember is being in the sunroom from "Six Feet Under" and feeling afraid that I was going to be discovered.
Due to that, I got very little sleep last night.
Today, I was craving some alone time. I've found myself wanting that more and more lately--a specific need to be completely alone, just to listen to music and do some things that need to be done. I tend to feel more settled afterward, but right now my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest. This could have something to do with my listening to The Pixies, but I only put them on to dispel some of this frenetic energy.
A big part of (if not all of) my anxiety is how adrift I feel. My job ends on August 5th, then I move to New Orleans, where I still have no job. My student loans haven't been decided, I'm waiting on a replacement for my lost ATM card, I leave for Chicago on Thursday, there's the whole business with Ravi, I'm waiting to hear back on getting an extension for my correspondence courses, etc. etc. etc. Part of the reason I made that 101 in 1001 list was to ground myself, to put something out THERE to work toward, because I don't take well to this feeling of free falling. I know some people relish not having a plan; they find it exciting and liberating. It makes me sick. Literally. I kind of feel like I might throw up.
I'm just in one of those moods where nothing sounds right. I want to see someone, but I don't. I want to read something, but I don't. Walking sounds good, then I want to run, I want to be happy, I want to be sad and get it out, I want to scream, I want to sleep. I just feel fucking unsettled. My brain is askew.
On the other hand, I set up some iCal stuff, applied for a job and paid a bill. That eases my mind a bit. Plus, this new bra makes my boobs look good. So, there's that.
In this one, Ravi and I were out to eat with a large group of people. He started laughing manically and told me he'd been cheating on me and that he and some girl were having really wild sex. Then he lowered his head to reveal huge patches of hair missing, leaving bald spots and bright red scars. I ran away and ended up in a room where everyone was asking me about Ravi and I had to explain that he was cheating on me. I wanted to tell my mom and I finally found her, but I started crying while she screamed at me to tell her what was wrong. I finally told her Ravi had cheated on me and she got really angry and disappeared. The last thing I remember is being in the sunroom from "Six Feet Under" and feeling afraid that I was going to be discovered.
Due to that, I got very little sleep last night.
Today, I was craving some alone time. I've found myself wanting that more and more lately--a specific need to be completely alone, just to listen to music and do some things that need to be done. I tend to feel more settled afterward, but right now my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest. This could have something to do with my listening to The Pixies, but I only put them on to dispel some of this frenetic energy.
A big part of (if not all of) my anxiety is how adrift I feel. My job ends on August 5th, then I move to New Orleans, where I still have no job. My student loans haven't been decided, I'm waiting on a replacement for my lost ATM card, I leave for Chicago on Thursday, there's the whole business with Ravi, I'm waiting to hear back on getting an extension for my correspondence courses, etc. etc. etc. Part of the reason I made that 101 in 1001 list was to ground myself, to put something out THERE to work toward, because I don't take well to this feeling of free falling. I know some people relish not having a plan; they find it exciting and liberating. It makes me sick. Literally. I kind of feel like I might throw up.
I'm just in one of those moods where nothing sounds right. I want to see someone, but I don't. I want to read something, but I don't. Walking sounds good, then I want to run, I want to be happy, I want to be sad and get it out, I want to scream, I want to sleep. I just feel fucking unsettled. My brain is askew.
On the other hand, I set up some iCal stuff, applied for a job and paid a bill. That eases my mind a bit. Plus, this new bra makes my boobs look good. So, there's that.
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