Wednesday, July 7, 2010

if man is five...

I have been terribly anxious these last couple of days. Last night, I had one of those nightmares where you wake up and fall asleep and continue having the nightmare.

In this one, Ravi and I were out to eat with a large group of people. He started laughing manically and told me he'd been cheating on me and that he and some girl were having really wild sex. Then he lowered his head to reveal huge patches of hair missing, leaving bald spots and bright red scars. I ran away and ended up in a room where everyone was asking me about Ravi and I had to explain that he was cheating on me. I wanted to tell my mom and I finally found her, but I started crying while she screamed at me to tell her what was wrong. I finally told her Ravi had cheated on me and she got really angry and disappeared. The last thing I remember is being in the sunroom from "Six Feet Under" and feeling afraid that I was going to be discovered.

Due to that, I got very little sleep last night.

Today, I was craving some alone time. I've found myself wanting that more and more lately--a specific need to be completely alone, just to listen to music and do some things that need to be done. I tend to feel more settled afterward, but right now my heart feels like it might beat out of my chest. This could have something to do with my listening to The Pixies, but I only put them on to dispel some of this frenetic energy.

A big part of (if not all of) my anxiety is how adrift I feel. My job ends on August 5th, then I move to New Orleans, where I still have no job. My student loans haven't been decided, I'm waiting on a replacement for my lost ATM card, I leave for Chicago on Thursday, there's the whole business with Ravi, I'm waiting to hear back on getting an extension for my correspondence courses, etc. etc. etc. Part of the reason I made that 101 in 1001 list was to ground myself, to put something out THERE to work toward, because I don't take well to this feeling of free falling. I know some people relish not having a plan; they find it exciting and liberating. It makes me sick. Literally. I kind of feel like I might throw up.

I'm just in one of those moods where nothing sounds right. I want to see someone, but I don't. I want to read something, but I don't. Walking sounds good, then I want to run, I want to be happy, I want to be sad and get it out, I want to scream, I want to sleep. I just feel fucking unsettled. My brain is askew.

On the other hand, I set up some iCal stuff, applied for a job and paid a bill. That eases my mind a bit. Plus, this new bra makes my boobs look good. So, there's that.

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