Wednesday, February 23, 2011


Marla really wants to lay on the keyboard. I have moved her 6 times.

texts from tonight:
Me: A nice young man just asked me out on a date in this here cawfee shop. I turned him down, but still cute.
Alyson: Whoa :)
Me: Guess the strung out student look is sexy to some! (not kidding here. I was curled up in a chair, wearing an overly large cardigan, scrawling notes and randomly muttering to myself.)
Alyson: mmm heroin geek chic. Mandi, Queen of the Coffee Scene :)
Me: hahaha "her glassy red eyes shone like rubies; the grinding of her teeth, the sweetest symphony!"
Alyson: I love you :)
Me: I love you too :)

Me (to my mom): Listening to B.B. King while studying and thought of you. Hope everything is ok. I'll try and call you tomorrow after class. Love you.

I'm so worried about my mom. She's so so close to totally losing her shit and I don't know what to do other than try and be in touch as often as I can, but sometimes, it's just too much for me to hear everyday. After I sent her that text, I started wondering what I would do if she did harm herself. It's becoming more and more of a tangible thought for me and the reality of it is terrifying. I had to stop thinking about it because I was choking up in the coffeeshop. I think the worst thing I can imagine happening to me, short of dying, is my mom dying. Even the thought of dying myself is tempered by the sadness it would cause her. I remember when Candace died and she told me, "I'd never be able to go on if something happened to you. I would just stop functioning. I would die too." In some ways, it's my motivation to be good to myself, not to harm myself. In other ways, it's repressive; I'm loathe to show depression around her. But I'm torn between my worry for her and my complete lack of desire to be around my family situation because it's so painful.

This happened today:
Justice Department to Stop Defending Federal Law on Gay Marriage

President Obama, in a major legal policy shift, has directed the Justice Department to stop defending the Defense of Marriage Act - the 1996 law that bars federal recognition of same-sex marriages - against lawsuits challenging it as unconstitutional.

Attorney General Eric H. Holder Jr. on Wednesday sent a letter to Congress to inform them that the Justice Department will now take the position in court that the Defense of Marriage Act should be struck down as a violation of gay couples' rights to equal protection under the law.

"The President and I have concluded that classifications based on sexual orientation warrant heightened scrutiny and that, as applied to same-sex couples legally married under state law" a crucial provision of the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional, Mr. Holder wrote.

-NY Times

Currently reading J.L. Austin's How to Do Things With Words in prep for indie study + research paper + thesis. Excerpt:
Yet I will content myself here with pointing out that one of the things that has been happening lately in philosophy is that close attention has been given even to "statements" which, though not false exactly nor yet "contradictory," are yet outrageous. For instance, statements which refer to something which does not exist as, for example, "The present King of France is bald." There might be a temptation to assimilate this to purporting to bequeath something which you do not own. Is there not a presupposition of existence in each? Is not a statement which refers to something which does not exist not so much false as void? And the more we consider a statement not as a sentence (or proposition) but as an act of speech (out of which the others are logical constructions) the more we are studying the whole thing as an act.

So, I tend to walk around wearing headphones a lot. I like having a soundtrack of sorts, plus when I'm reading, music helps me concentrate. As I was walking to my car earlier, I was listening to "Beginning to See the Light" and drumming with my hands and, apparently, singing aloud, judging from the surprised looks of 2 passerby. I just smiled at them and continued on my way, which I hope was a good mask for my embarrassment.
Well I'm beginning to see the light.
Well I'm beginning to see the light.
Some people work very hard
But still they never get it right
Well I'm beginning to see the light.
There are problems in these times
But none of them are mine
Baby, I'm beginning to see the light.
Here we go again,
I thought that you were my friend.
Here we go again,
I thought that you were my friend.
How does it feel to be loved?
How does it feel to be loved?

1 comment:

  1. Foxy lady, I was so beat by 9:30 that I could have joined you in that corner, except instead of muttering I would have been droolin' in dreamland. You could have told people I was rabid. That would have kept the lurkers at bay.