book of revelations

Me: just finished reading my new favorite graphic novel
and having a little mini revelation about myself
Christie: what graphic novel? and what revelation?
Me: I was reading and I stopped and started thinking about ___ a bit and I was like "I miss him" and then something sort of...seized up in me and I curled into a ball and I kept whispering "miss YOURSELF." and it was so...big. I held the bed and I almost felt like crying but it wasn't quite that. it was like having something broken inside me
but in a good way
that sounds so vague
but god, it is there.

C: oh man
i did that once
and it changed just about everything about me
it wasn't different, it was just
more me

Me: yeah
right now there is...less me. repressed me.
me under layers of rocks

Me: all I could think of is how much I used to love being alone
because there was something so intrinsically me within it
the thing I keep coming back to
is climbing in my closet with a book and a sleeping bag
I'd make a nest. sit in it, in the back of the closet
And read with a flashlight
it made me happy in a way that's hard for me to recognize as happy anymore
like I said, I almost started crying
because it was too big

C: maybe that's why we have time
so we get it little bit by bit

Me: yeah I kept thinking that
"you're young enough. you still have time. to miss yourself. and to not."

C: maybe the key to happiness...
is to make your life so that you feel like you're reading a book in the closet all the time.

Me: oh christie
it is so strange that you said that
when I was young
probably up until my teens
I used to imagine my life as a book someone was narrating
in my mind, it was a book a lady was reading to a girl, in a chair
and when I'd do bad things, even sexual things, I used to feel so much guilt that the girl would have to hear them
in a way, I suppose that woman was my image of god
but it was how I thought of my life. as both happening and performing
it's part of my obsession with performance of the self because that clicks with me
but when you said that
I haven't thought of that in years
I think I had to stop thinking about it when I started needed to give up on that idea of god for awhile
I think it's also where my need to chronicle my own life comes from