functional algorithm design

It's been a productive two days. Since yesterday morning, I've gone to the doctor, gotten my car fixed, got a NOLA driver's license, renewed my registration, drank a bunch of whiskey and got my hair cut. Later, I'm going to work on a paper, order a school book and go to a Mardi Gras parade.

The doctor visit went really well. Dr. Moore spent about 10 minutes talking with me about my various health concerns, mostly regarding the PCOS. I told her I'd been off my medication for awhile and had some dizzy spells and one fainting incident. Nevertheless, she feels I was on entirely too much medication. She ordered a basic metabolic panel to check, among other things, cholesterol, blood sugar and white blood cell count (which could be a factor in the dizziness). After we get those values, we'll talk about possibly starting me back on insulin-resistance medication.

I also spoke to her about getting the Garadisil shot, which she recommended. I've been meaning to get that done for awhile. I went ahead and asked for a full STD screening as well (5 tubes of blood!), because I like being assured of a clean bill of health.

That said, I'm a tiny bit worried because, during the exam, she found some nodules in my right breast. She said that sometimes women get those right before a period, which would make sense for me, but if the're not gone in 2 weeks, we'll need to do a breast ultrasound. But my mom gets those as well and I hear they're fairly common, so hopefully it's nothing.

I came to BR afterwards and dropped my car off at the mechanic. As it turns out, the only thing really wrong with the car was a busted air hose, which was causing the machine at Auto Zone to register a broken fuel filter and a defective MAF sensor as well. Mom and I had lunch and went to the DMV, where I was both amused and disturbed by the amount of total freaks present, including one batshit lady who was telling a group of people in line about how "the federal government gives all our taxes to foreign banks and steals from us!" She was starting some kind of community task force to take on the government. Another man talked of a machine he had built that cures cancer but wasn't approved by the FDA because they don't like Chinese people.

Mom dragged me out shopping (and bought me new jeans and a spoon rest as compensation, even though I asked her not to) until my car was ready. I met up with Christie and we adventured at Perks, Whole Foods, Perks again, and Zee Zee Gardens. One of Christie's customers from Pinettas bought us 2 drinks each, on top of the ones we'd already ordered, and the bartender gave us free "chocolate cake" shots for giving her a pen. We ended the night in Christie's living room with some intense and therapeutic talking that I apparently passed out in the middle of. I woke up at 3am, stumbled into the kitchen and drank a bunch of water before going back to sleep...only to be woken by Christie's neighbors stumbling up the stairs and then singing the entire "Tommy" album, causing me to want to stab pens into my ears.

I left early this morning to go get my hair cut and now I look like a functioning member of society again. I need to work on my Medieval NOLA paper and do some reading for my ethics class before Krewe du Vieux. I'm toying with the idea of going drinking at Molly's or somewhere around lower Decatur after the parade and maybe getting some Angeli's, depending on who I can drag along with me. I want to go out and play.

tl;dr

My brain is slowly peeking out of its writer's block fog...the other night, in the shower, I started thinking about a new non-fic piece. It might actually work better as fiction, but I'm an awful fiction writer, so I'm nervous about taking it there. We'll see. Reminder to self: write notes.

Things are slowly improving with my parents. My dad took my mom out to dinner the other night and got her a card for Valentine's day, along with some roses. I want to say that it's not enough, but I hope that little things lead to big improvements here. I hate having so much resentment toward my dad...but I hate that he insists on drinking until my mom has a nervous breakdown too. I've still been volleying the idea of writing about that whole situation on here, but there are still some things I need to work through. Too much comes flooding out when you start repeating the worst moments of your childhood.

I had a fun conversation with B.W. the other night about Bob Seger, Lil' Wayne and Irish wakes that somehow led to me downloading Van Morrison's "Wild Nights" and Leroux's "New Orleans Ladies," both of which I've been listening to almost non-stop. I wonder when my neighbors will tire of hearing "allllll the waaa---ayyy/from bourbon street/to ES-pla-naaade/they sashay by/they sassshay byyyyyyy."

Yesterday, compelled by who knows what reason, I decided I absolutely needed A New Dress. I ended up buying a cute little black dress with white embroidery (and SLEEVES!), prompting Erin to comment, "you need another black dress with white embroidery like a hole in the head." (this will bring the count to 4 if you count the black dress with an embroidery-style print.) I also got this insane 70's esque red printed maxi dress. Generally, I hear short girls shouldn't wear maxi dresses but I'm a sucker for anything that makes me feel like I could be sipping drinks on a lanai (also the sole reason I own a red muumuu).

Erin and I also had the following conversation:
me: I did think of you though
I was like "I'm buying a red dress! erin would be proud!"
hahaha
is it weird that I thought to myself, of the black dress, "I can wear this to the doctor's office tomorrow!"
Erin: yes
that's kind of weird :P
me: mostly because we're having warm weather out and I like wearing dresses to the gyno
but planning your gyno visit outfit is a little strange
Erin: yes
just a little

Speaking of that particular visit, I think I'm being more neurotic than usual in planning for it. I made a list of questions, mostly about potentially getting the Garadasil vaccine and about the PCOS. I also made a list of my current and former medications, with dosages and frequency, AND I made notes of the start and end dates of my last period and of the last time I had sex. I am PREPARED. I just hate that feeling of walking out of a doctor's office and remembering some big thing that you wanted to talk to them about. And I hate being disorganized and potentially giving incorrect information (as in the case of the dates). I've also worked in the medical field long enough to know how much nicer it is for the nurses when a patient has all this together. In that vein, I also had my old medical records faxed over. Which, public service announcement, you should always do. ESPECIALLY in the case of going from specialist to specialist. I know people think it's not important, but a physician is much better equipped to treat you when they have medical notes of your former treatment in front of them. DO IT.

I also scheduled a haircut, a ride from the mechanic (and lunch!) and a trip to the DMV to finally get a New Orleans license. In Baton Rouge. Getting shit done. LIKE AN ADULT.

Lastly, I got some wonderful information today. Back in July, I got in a wreck (which, let me just say, if you are in the middle of ending your 3 year relationship, quitting your job, moving out of your apartment, and incredibly worried about money, don't get in a wreck. Never in my life have I wanted so much to just exit my vehicle and step into oncoming traffic.). Basically things went down as follows: I was stopped in a driving lane. To my left was a median that turned into a left turn lane (which I needed to be in and which was empty). I merged over and drove forward, not realizing that the car in front of the car I was behind was turning left (because she was not in the turn lane). She turned into my car, probably going about 10 mph, but enough to damage both cars. We pulled into a parking lot, her passenger left the scene and went to work. I got out and asked if everyone was okay (they were) and then I called the police. I was ticketed for "improper lane usage." The other driver was not ticketed, which was bullshit.

After this, we went back and forth with the insurance companies. State Farm investigated for a month (which involved me talking to 3 adjustors and an investigator) and finally decidd there was mutual fault. When this happened, the other driver decided to tell her ins. that she and her passenger had been injured. So there were more interviews (I mean, honestly? 3 months later, with no doctor notes, no ambulance at the scene and no passenger even listed on the police report because she was gone?) and State Farm shot that down. Meanwhile, I went to court for the ticket, intending to take a defensive driving course to get it removed, only to find out that the officer had never turned the ticket in. Then her ins. decided to sue State Farm for the costs of her vehicle. MORE interviewing. Today, I got a call from State Farm telling me that an independent adjustor declared mutual fault. My deductible, which was renewed in the midst of all this, will go down and State Farm is going to refund me $250 that I wouldn't have paid if this had been resolved before my renewal. My response, after hanging up, was EAT A BAG OF DICKS, YOU LYING BITCH. An. Entire. Bag.

I had my job eval today and they told me what a good job I'm doing. It kind of made me care about that job a little. Which was nice; sometimes I feel useless there because there's no challenge. But it pays the bills for my lovely little abode and my dresses and whiskey habits and the food remnants left on those plates that I need to go wash before I leave.

"and you all want the lovely music to save your lives"

broken social scene done broke my mind.

I saw them at Pitchfork this past summer and I ALMOST didn't go to this show because I couldn't find parking at Tipitina's and the Will Call line was forever long. And some girl offered me $40 for my ticket. But I went for it and I'm so so glad. I haven't been that thrilled at a show in a very long time. I couldn't meet up with my friends so I ended up making some new ones with some dudes, when we bonded over some self-entitled bitches trying to scoot in on our space. We danced and sang and shouted song requests until we were hoarse.

When I saw BSS over the summer, they mostly played all new songs, plus "Cause = Time," "Fire Eye'd Boy," "Superconnected," and "7/4 Shoreline." They played all those this time too (Kevin Drew changed the lyrics on "Superconnected" to "and I love the darkness/it's what happened to me/I was talking about things/I could not believe" to "and I love forgiveness/it's what happened to me/I am talking about things/that I still believe."), but they added in "Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl" (I think I lost my voice screaming in glee when that happened), "Lover's Spit," "Stars and Sons" "Looks Just Like the Sun" (I was pretty surprised at how much they played off of You Forget It In People, actually), pretty much the entire Forgiveness Rock Record and, as an encore, they did "It's All Gonna Break" (which caused an immense dance party) and closed with an acoustic version of "Major Label Debut." They went over their time by almost 40 minutes and even though I've been up since 6:30 this morning, I was running on exhilaration.

amazing fucking show.

dizzy darling

Last night, I came home and ate a piece of king cake. Then I exercised for about 30 minutes (just light stuff...some jumping jacks, jogging in place, stretches, sit ups, etc.), grabbed my books and went to the library. I don't know if exercising metabolized all that sugar extra fast or what, but when I was driving, I started feeling dizzy. By the time I got to the library, I was shaking from trying so hard to focus. I sat in the car for a bit until my vision stopped swimming, then I got out of the car. As soon as I did, I just kind of slumped against the car. A girl asked me if I was okay. She wanted to walk me in.

I got inside, went to the bathroom and threw up a bit, from the nausea-inducing dizziness. I started doing some reading afterwards and felt okay until suddenly...I remember feeling dizzy and then I remember waking up. I guess I passed out. Luckily I was in the back of the 3rd floor stacks, so no one noticed but it scared me pretty badly. I finished my chapter, drank some water and went home.

I called my mom and told her a little and she pointed out how I've been talking about being exhausted lately, even though I've been getting 7, 8, even 10 hours of sleep some days. School and work simply haven't been busy enough to justify that. I'm seeing the gyno on Friday and I plan on talking to her about the PCOS, as well as seeing if she can order some labwork. But I'm scared to drive. I'm worried that I'll pass out in class and make a spectacle of myself. I'm petrified that things have gotten really out of control somewhere along the line. And I feel bad for worrying my mom, who started saying things like "I don't want you to be on dialysis because you weren't taking your medicine. I'll help you pay for it." I don't want her to have to do that, but the reality is that I'm unsure how I'll pay for it if the costs are still what they used to be ($32/birth control + $45/byetta shot + $15/Metformin + $10/Spironolactone). But I'd rather figure out how to pay on my own then ask her for money.

Today isn't much better. I'm still...fuzzy for lack of a better word. I couldn't eat last night. I had a bit of granola this morning (homemade, so not doused with HFCS) and I'm drinking coffee (not the best idea but I'm so tired and it's better than Coke) and lots of water to try and flush my system. BSS is tonight and I'm excited to see them but that excitment is held in check by the thought that I might need to leave early or something will happen.

So basically, no more king cake for now.

always and forever

Sometimes I take the Myers-Briggs to see if my personality type has changed. But I am an INFJ forever and always.

Per Wikipedia:
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

Characteristics of INFJs
Some practitioners have speculated that Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was an INFJ. However, according to the guidelines for the ethical use of the MBTI, only those taking the assessment can identify their own best fit.
INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.
INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.
INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.
INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired. Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

ctrl + f

Me: I'm on the phone with my mom trying to explain to her that she doesn't need to install the internet
Erin: oh god
ahahah
Me:and the person next to me is dying
because I'm in a coffeeshop
Erin: ahahha
that's awesome
Me: she's like "but how do I get to my homepage?!"
and I said "you go to the internet. that's google. you can't install google."
"but how do I get the internet?"
Erin:YOU CAN'T INSTALL GOOGLE
oh god
Me: "it's already there. click internet explorer"
hahahahahahaha
and this guy next to me is shaking
poor guy
I'd be laughing too if I heard this

book of revelations

Me: just finished reading my new favorite graphic novel
and having a little mini revelation about myself
Christie: what graphic novel? and what revelation?
Me: I was reading and I stopped and started thinking about ___ a bit and I was like "I miss him" and then something sort of...seized up in me and I curled into a ball and I kept whispering "miss YOURSELF." and it was so...big. I held the bed and I almost felt like crying but it wasn't quite that. it was like having something broken inside me
but in a good way
that sounds so vague
but god, it is there.

C: oh man
i did that once
and it changed just about everything about me
it wasn't different, it was just
more me

Me: yeah
right now there is...less me. repressed me.
me under layers of rocks

Me: all I could think of is how much I used to love being alone
because there was something so intrinsically me within it
the thing I keep coming back to
is climbing in my closet with a book and a sleeping bag
I'd make a nest. sit in it, in the back of the closet
And read with a flashlight
it made me happy in a way that's hard for me to recognize as happy anymore
like I said, I almost started crying
because it was too big

C: maybe that's why we have time
so we get it little bit by bit

Me: yeah I kept thinking that
"you're young enough. you still have time. to miss yourself. and to not."

C: maybe the key to happiness...
is to make your life so that you feel like you're reading a book in the closet all the time.

Me: oh christie
it is so strange that you said that
when I was young
probably up until my teens
I used to imagine my life as a book someone was narrating
in my mind, it was a book a lady was reading to a girl, in a chair
and when I'd do bad things, even sexual things, I used to feel so much guilt that the girl would have to hear them
in a way, I suppose that woman was my image of god
but it was how I thought of my life. as both happening and performing
it's part of my obsession with performance of the self because that clicks with me
but when you said that
I haven't thought of that in years
I think I had to stop thinking about it when I started needed to give up on that idea of god for awhile
I think it's also where my need to chronicle my own life comes from