Well, it's cold and it's quiet, and cobblestone cold in here
Fucking for fear of not wanting to fear again
Lonely is all we are
Lovely so far, but my heart's still a marble in an empty jelly jar
Someday suppose that my curious nervousness stills into prescience, clairvoyant consciousness
I will be calmer than cream,
Making maps out of your dreams
But will psychic ability kill the nativity or simply diminish the flinch?
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
everyday use
H: Are you using your boobs to keep that book open to its place while you type?
Me:...yes.
Me:...yes.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
reminder.
There's a fair amount of Bad Stuff going on in my life right now. In an effort to keep that stuff on the back burner of my mind, here are my favorite things that have happened in the last few days:
-Lunch/margaritas with my mom
-Drinking, massages and pillow forts with Christie and (later) Travis
-Rocko's Modern Life at 4am
-Losing enough weight to legitimately have gone down a pant size (and buying jeans that actually fit!)
-Susan's birthday party and a bunch of people yelling "YEE HAW!" at a steakhouse
-Getting actual work accomplished on my prospectus.working bibliography for my independent study research paper, which I'm using as a research opportunity for my thesis. Additionally, firming up what I'm planning to do my thesis on.
-Cold weather (I like it, even though S. LA thinks it calls for a shutdown of all systems)
-Alone time at Highland Coffees
I keep debating the merits of writing in detail what the aforementioned Bad Stuff is. Most who read this already know, but I might elaborate for my own catharsis. In the meantime, trying to focus on the good.
-Lunch/margaritas with my mom
-Drinking, massages and pillow forts with Christie and (later) Travis
-Rocko's Modern Life at 4am
-Losing enough weight to legitimately have gone down a pant size (and buying jeans that actually fit!)
-Susan's birthday party and a bunch of people yelling "YEE HAW!" at a steakhouse
-Getting actual work accomplished on my prospectus.working bibliography for my independent study research paper, which I'm using as a research opportunity for my thesis. Additionally, firming up what I'm planning to do my thesis on.
-Cold weather (I like it, even though S. LA thinks it calls for a shutdown of all systems)
-Alone time at Highland Coffees
I keep debating the merits of writing in detail what the aforementioned Bad Stuff is. Most who read this already know, but I might elaborate for my own catharsis. In the meantime, trying to focus on the good.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
ideologicalstateapparatus
That is why those who are in ideology believe themselves to be outside of it: one of the the effects of ideology is the practical denial of the ideological character of ideology by ideology: ideology never says, "I am ideological."
-Louis Althusser, "Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses"
Double colon. Oh, he went there.
-Louis Althusser, "Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses"
Double colon. Oh, he went there.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
minutia
A few other random things.
In the midst of the Althusser, I suddenly vividly remembered the first time I read this essay. It was in the coffeeshop in the LSU bookstore. I was drinking vanilla tea and scarfing a danish before class, trying to read quickly because I hadn't done the homework and Mitchie was a hardass. But I couldn't go too fast because I was fascinated by the essay, amazed with how it framed our entire way of being. Deconstruction was my introduction into my fascination with literary criticism and how it relates to our daily lives but Althusser and Foucault really cemented my desire to study it. Alyson tells me how happy I look when I leave my independent study and it's because I'm doing something that constantly challenges, amazes and fascinates me.
Nancy and I were eating lunch together yesterday and I heard someone making a odd gagging noise.
Me: Do you ever just suddenly imagine wild scenarios playing out?
N: Uh...
Me: Like, I just heard what sounded like gagging and I thought, "what would this whole cafeteria do if someone just started spewing all over the floor?"
N: Probably vomit ourselves.
Me: Gross but true.
N: Do you know why people do that? It's because when people are in groups and someone starts vomiting, our bodies immediately react to the possibility of poison being in our bodies, because groups typically used to eat the same thing.
Me: One time, I was on a school bus and I threw up scrambled eggs and we hit an incline and it slid to the back of the bus and another kid threw up as well. Everyone had to lift their feet to avoid it. Come to think of it, I had a real problem with public vomiting as a kid. I can think of at least 4 times in elementary school that I puked on myself.
N: *horrified* I'm glad you grew out of that.
Me: No, I just became a bulimic and learned to direct it!
*laughter*
My parents are probably divorcing soon. My dad's alcoholism seems to have gotten the best of him again. My mom is close to a nervous breakdown and every time we talk, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to help. I try to tell her about addiction, how my dad and I have the same personality when it comes to these things (something I loathe in times like these), how he's not trying to torture her, he's just so caught up in his own ideas of escape and control that he can't see beyond that. It doesn't help either of us forgive him. There's so much to unpack there...I alternate between feeling empty and feeling so full with my own emotions that I could gag.
Wise 'Wiss words: "It wasn't bullshit, you took a shot. Don't ever regret that."
In the midst of the Althusser, I suddenly vividly remembered the first time I read this essay. It was in the coffeeshop in the LSU bookstore. I was drinking vanilla tea and scarfing a danish before class, trying to read quickly because I hadn't done the homework and Mitchie was a hardass. But I couldn't go too fast because I was fascinated by the essay, amazed with how it framed our entire way of being. Deconstruction was my introduction into my fascination with literary criticism and how it relates to our daily lives but Althusser and Foucault really cemented my desire to study it. Alyson tells me how happy I look when I leave my independent study and it's because I'm doing something that constantly challenges, amazes and fascinates me.
Nancy and I were eating lunch together yesterday and I heard someone making a odd gagging noise.
Me: Do you ever just suddenly imagine wild scenarios playing out?
N: Uh...
Me: Like, I just heard what sounded like gagging and I thought, "what would this whole cafeteria do if someone just started spewing all over the floor?"
N: Probably vomit ourselves.
Me: Gross but true.
N: Do you know why people do that? It's because when people are in groups and someone starts vomiting, our bodies immediately react to the possibility of poison being in our bodies, because groups typically used to eat the same thing.
Me: One time, I was on a school bus and I threw up scrambled eggs and we hit an incline and it slid to the back of the bus and another kid threw up as well. Everyone had to lift their feet to avoid it. Come to think of it, I had a real problem with public vomiting as a kid. I can think of at least 4 times in elementary school that I puked on myself.
N: *horrified* I'm glad you grew out of that.
Me: No, I just became a bulimic and learned to direct it!
*laughter*
My parents are probably divorcing soon. My dad's alcoholism seems to have gotten the best of him again. My mom is close to a nervous breakdown and every time we talk, I don't know what to say, I don't know how to help. I try to tell her about addiction, how my dad and I have the same personality when it comes to these things (something I loathe in times like these), how he's not trying to torture her, he's just so caught up in his own ideas of escape and control that he can't see beyond that. It doesn't help either of us forgive him. There's so much to unpack there...I alternate between feeling empty and feeling so full with my own emotions that I could gag.
Wise 'Wiss words: "It wasn't bullshit, you took a shot. Don't ever regret that."
"drippy streets caught me believin'"
go!
Don't worry, I'm not too sad. It's raining and sleeting outside (the janitor called it "ice rain"), possible snow flurries but probably just ice. It got cold last night and I had gone to bed early, after an impossibly hot shower that turned my whole body bright red, that stung until the water felt cold again and my limbs tingled. I forgot to turn the heat on, woke up at 4am-ish, freezing. Grabbed a blanket off the floor, a blessing of my inability to fold laundry, and threw it over the bedcovers, then snuggled back under with Marla on my head.
Blastedly long day, but filled with plan making, too many plans maybe: a going away party, seeing 2 friends, a pub crawl, a bar. Trying to coalesce, but Friday may be a long drunk evening. Drove my carless co-worker home. She told me once that I made her day better and she cheers me up too. Home late and the neighbors wanted me to come drink but I have so much Althusser to read, BUT I want ice cream so badly, because that's what semi-sad single girls with cats do. Debated with myself on the merits of ice cream and decided "fuck it." Argyle socks with pajama pants and chucks, wearing the blanket-coat (aka, the Bloat), rolling up in Whole Foods (best B&J selection in the area), humming "Major Label Debut" to myself. I've always thought the chorus was "now I'm all/fucked/up" but it's ACTUALLY "hooked up," which I don't like as much.
Briefly considered buying vegetables to offset suspicious and obvious ice cream purchases but I have veggies at home, so I embraced the crazed, pajama-wearing ice cream buying look and strolled over to frozen foods, laughing under my breath at the image presented. 2 for $6 special on ice cream, because of course there's a sale when it's cold out. Checking out, the cashier lady laughed and said, "I always want ice cream when it's cold too. We both crazy, huh?" I agreed, because really, how was I going to say otherwise?
Home drive, listening to Thanassis Cambanis talking about Mubarack and Egyptian/Israeli relations and being somewhat unsettled at the focus on Israel in the interview (though, admittedly, missed part of it) when ought we not to be talking about about the Egyptian people?
Eating ice cream, Marla on pillow and some kidney bean and spinach stew defrosting in the sink. I hope I don't feel awful later. I lost 4 pounds...yesterday (@ Ann- after "gaining" back 3 from my initial 4 lb. loss...I think the 3 were water/bloat). Oh body, what the fuck? Putting the ice cream away now, before this gets out of hand. Back to ideological state apparatuses.
END
Don't worry, I'm not too sad. It's raining and sleeting outside (the janitor called it "ice rain"), possible snow flurries but probably just ice. It got cold last night and I had gone to bed early, after an impossibly hot shower that turned my whole body bright red, that stung until the water felt cold again and my limbs tingled. I forgot to turn the heat on, woke up at 4am-ish, freezing. Grabbed a blanket off the floor, a blessing of my inability to fold laundry, and threw it over the bedcovers, then snuggled back under with Marla on my head.
Blastedly long day, but filled with plan making, too many plans maybe: a going away party, seeing 2 friends, a pub crawl, a bar. Trying to coalesce, but Friday may be a long drunk evening. Drove my carless co-worker home. She told me once that I made her day better and she cheers me up too. Home late and the neighbors wanted me to come drink but I have so much Althusser to read, BUT I want ice cream so badly, because that's what semi-sad single girls with cats do. Debated with myself on the merits of ice cream and decided "fuck it." Argyle socks with pajama pants and chucks, wearing the blanket-coat (aka, the Bloat), rolling up in Whole Foods (best B&J selection in the area), humming "Major Label Debut" to myself. I've always thought the chorus was "now I'm all/fucked/up" but it's ACTUALLY "hooked up," which I don't like as much.
Briefly considered buying vegetables to offset suspicious and obvious ice cream purchases but I have veggies at home, so I embraced the crazed, pajama-wearing ice cream buying look and strolled over to frozen foods, laughing under my breath at the image presented. 2 for $6 special on ice cream, because of course there's a sale when it's cold out. Checking out, the cashier lady laughed and said, "I always want ice cream when it's cold too. We both crazy, huh?" I agreed, because really, how was I going to say otherwise?
Home drive, listening to Thanassis Cambanis talking about Mubarack and Egyptian/Israeli relations and being somewhat unsettled at the focus on Israel in the interview (though, admittedly, missed part of it) when ought we not to be talking about about the Egyptian people?
Eating ice cream, Marla on pillow and some kidney bean and spinach stew defrosting in the sink. I hope I don't feel awful later. I lost 4 pounds...yesterday (@ Ann- after "gaining" back 3 from my initial 4 lb. loss...I think the 3 were water/bloat). Oh body, what the fuck? Putting the ice cream away now, before this gets out of hand. Back to ideological state apparatuses.
END
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
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