Sunday, June 6, 2010

"when she walks down the street/she knows there's people watchin"

I feel a bit paralyzed lately, as though I'm waiting for everything to happen before I can keep moving. It's not quite like being depressed, but more of a deep weariness of dealing with tedious bullshit. I tend to do one of two things when I get stressed: I go into hibernation and "wait it out" (doing only what needs to be done day-to-day)or I get huge bursts of energy and drive to complete things that need to be done. Generally the latter only occurs when I'm very close to a deadline. I'm trying to switch myself out of the former and more into the latter. After all, deadlines ARE looming--they just aren't close enough for panic yet.

In that vein, I've resolved to get back to taking my PCOS meds correctly. I keep straying from the prescribed schedule, either because it doesn't fit into my day or I don't feel like taking them. But I feel much healthier, both physically and mentally, when I take everything on schedule. It's not a solution but it's part of the path to one. When I don't feel like garbage, I get more accomplished.

Part of this lack of momentum comes from the fact that Ravi still has not moved out. We both expected that he'd be out by this time and my desire to spend time with him before he goes usually ends up trumping my desire to do something productive for myself. It's been bad for me, in a way, that he's still here because it skews my emotions about him leaving. I've gone from a kind of steadfast resoluteness to a "one more day, one more day!" frame of mind. People can say what they want about "just take things one day at a time," but that never works for me. I always fuck myself when I try to take it one day at a time, because not seeing results toward a goal really fucks with my frame of reference for what I want and what needs to be done.

Anyhow. Big Sky played their last show this past Saturday, helping me finish one chapter. The show went well up until the cops showing up (for the second time) and, later, someone firing a bottle rocket in the house. I left shortly after.

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