My cousin's wife, the one with cancer, died yesterday. Her memorial is here.
As I've written about before, this whole situation was pretty heartbreaking for me. The idea of dying so young and knowing your children will have to grow up without you, watching your wife or mother die, the fact that her mother died of the same thing...it's just terrible. I'm driving to Baton Rouge tomorrow evening after work to attend the wake on Monday night and the funeral on Tuesday morning. I hate funerals. I hate the fact that I have to plan out what I'm going to wear (which feels disrespectful and distasteful in a sense, even though it's necessary). I hate the logistics of it. Something about making death neat and tidy and well-dressed and organized just strikes me as totally fucked. We come in screaming and bloody and we leave nicely dressed in a proper box.
But. I hope it serves well as a memorial to her life and grieving of her death; that it puts her family at peace. I hope her sons and her husband don't remember the face in the coffin, but the face of their beautiful and vibrant mother. I hope that her death doesn't destroy them, but inspires them to live their life in a wonderful way.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
faux bohemian
me: I'm in a weird spot right now
I keep trying to write about it but I don't think it's there yet
so here are my fragmented thoughts on it (some of which you've already heard)
academia is becoming less and less of an option. a ph.d is becoming less and less appealing. my life plans are up in the air, which is really weird for me because my plan has been my plan for a very long time.
so I've been thinking, kind of abstractly, "what are things I want out of my life?"
the concrete ideas I've come up with are: I want to do work that helps people. whether that manifests as non profit or continued volunteering or teaching...I want to do something that gives to the community.
I want to be as self sufficient as possible. grow my own food. can stuff. make clothes.
I want to have a kid. I don't know if I want to marry. I think I do, but maybe not. I want to write a book
so I'm trying to figure out how to do that, in the long term
christie: you'll get what you want, as long as you know those things are in the picture
there are a million ways to get there
the freedom in that, is one of the greatest feelings i've ever known
me: that's the part I'm trying to figure out
christie: just find something you want to get good at.
get good at it, don't marry it
keep learning stuff. the more self-sufficient as you are, the more you'll find time to learn to do what you love
the less money you need
it's possible
me: yeah
I just want to set down roots
and I think I want to set them down here
I really really want to be in new orleans
I am willing to work with new orleans to get what I want
christie: :)
it sounds beautiful.
me: :)
i hope so
I'm not good at perspective sometimes
I'm trying to be
christie: just keep the picture in your mind and believe in it
it becomes real
and then other people will start to see it
me: yeah. it's the logistics that worry me, you know?
christie: ah, fuck logistics. what logistics!
me: hahaha
christie: while practical, plans don't work out most of the time
that shit shouldn't worry you more than 20%, hehe
yeah, freak out when it gets critical, but there's always a way
me: I think I just need to push myself more than I do
I realized the other day that I don't really have a talent
I'm not a wonderful writer. I can't play an instrument. I can cook okay, but nothing spectacular
and a big part of that is because I convince myself that I can't learn how to do something. even though I can. and I have. and doing so brings me satisfaction.
for someone who is always claiming to hate being stagnant, that's a pretty hypocritical attitude for me to have :)
christie: it goes back to physics, no one is free from gravity, or the laws of motion.
objects at rest tend to stay at rest
it's a constant struggle
to not stay in one place, sitting in old bathwater
me: yeah
christie: cause it's so easy
me: I just fucking hate failing
and it's why I throw myself into grad school with a kind of anxious fervor
part of it "I'M GOING TO DO THIS" and the other part is "I can't take it if I don't"
christie: i think what you want looks pretty damn good
and hey, if you don't get married, we can be two straight women raising a kid and growing a garden
me: hahaah sweet
christie: IM SO DOWN
I keep trying to write about it but I don't think it's there yet
so here are my fragmented thoughts on it (some of which you've already heard)
academia is becoming less and less of an option. a ph.d is becoming less and less appealing. my life plans are up in the air, which is really weird for me because my plan has been my plan for a very long time.
so I've been thinking, kind of abstractly, "what are things I want out of my life?"
the concrete ideas I've come up with are: I want to do work that helps people. whether that manifests as non profit or continued volunteering or teaching...I want to do something that gives to the community.
I want to be as self sufficient as possible. grow my own food. can stuff. make clothes.
I want to have a kid. I don't know if I want to marry. I think I do, but maybe not. I want to write a book
so I'm trying to figure out how to do that, in the long term
christie: you'll get what you want, as long as you know those things are in the picture
there are a million ways to get there
the freedom in that, is one of the greatest feelings i've ever known
me: that's the part I'm trying to figure out
christie: just find something you want to get good at.
get good at it, don't marry it
keep learning stuff. the more self-sufficient as you are, the more you'll find time to learn to do what you love
the less money you need
it's possible
me: yeah
I just want to set down roots
and I think I want to set them down here
I really really want to be in new orleans
I am willing to work with new orleans to get what I want
christie: :)
it sounds beautiful.
me: :)
i hope so
I'm not good at perspective sometimes
I'm trying to be
christie: just keep the picture in your mind and believe in it
it becomes real
and then other people will start to see it
me: yeah. it's the logistics that worry me, you know?
christie: ah, fuck logistics. what logistics!
me: hahaha
christie: while practical, plans don't work out most of the time
that shit shouldn't worry you more than 20%, hehe
yeah, freak out when it gets critical, but there's always a way
me: I think I just need to push myself more than I do
I realized the other day that I don't really have a talent
I'm not a wonderful writer. I can't play an instrument. I can cook okay, but nothing spectacular
and a big part of that is because I convince myself that I can't learn how to do something. even though I can. and I have. and doing so brings me satisfaction.
for someone who is always claiming to hate being stagnant, that's a pretty hypocritical attitude for me to have :)
christie: it goes back to physics, no one is free from gravity, or the laws of motion.
objects at rest tend to stay at rest
it's a constant struggle
to not stay in one place, sitting in old bathwater
me: yeah
christie: cause it's so easy
me: I just fucking hate failing
and it's why I throw myself into grad school with a kind of anxious fervor
part of it "I'M GOING TO DO THIS" and the other part is "I can't take it if I don't"
christie: i think what you want looks pretty damn good
and hey, if you don't get married, we can be two straight women raising a kid and growing a garden
me: hahaah sweet
christie: IM SO DOWN
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
101 in 1001- Year 1
This list started as a means of setting goals for myself and pushing myself to do things I wanted to do but didn't have energy/wherewithal for. In this year, I crossed 15 items off the list, worked on 17 and failed at 3. I didn't totally expect to achieve every goal on this list (though I HAD hoped to), but I still think that, overall, I'm doing pretty well.
Completed/Failed
2) Sing Karaoke. (June 2011)
10) Get straight A's FAIL
14) Finish my correspondence course. FAIL
16) Donate $100 a year to charity.- 2010/2011 complete
17) Get another ear piercing. (November 2010)
18) Read 10 books from the Bloom Canon.- 4 read
Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice (October 2010)
Voltaire Candide (January 2011)
Mark Twain A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (April 2011)
William James The Varieties of Religious Experience(June 2011)
19) Read 1 unassigned book per month.
July '10- Ann Patchett Run
August '10- Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
September '10- John Berendt Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
October '10- Stuart Berman This Book is Broken: A Broken Social Scene Story
November '10- Paule Marshall Praisesong for the Widow
December '10- Richard Yates Revolutionary Road
January '11- Neil White In the Sanctuary of Outcasts
February '11- Terry Moore Strangers in Paradise, Vol. 1
March '11- Terry Moore Strangers in Paradise, Vol. 2
April '11- Milan Kundera Slowness
(working on catching up on this one!)
23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
A- Ajami (2009) (October 2010)
B- The Blind Side (2009) (January 2011)
D- Date Night (2010) (August 2010)
E- Effi Briest (1974) (October 2010)
F- The Fighter (2010) (May 2011)
G- The Girl on the Bridge (1999) (November 2010)
H- How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) (August 2010)
I- Inception (2010) (July 2010)
L- Louder Than Bombs (Glosniej od bomb) (2001) (September 2010)
M- Men Who Stare At Goats (2009) (July 2010)
P- Pickpocket (1959) (November 2010)
R- Raising Arizona (1987) (July 2010)
S- Storytelling (2001) (July 2010)
V- Volcano (1997) (October 2010)
24) Learn 1 new word a week.- ongoing!
26) Take all my medication exactly as directed for 2 months. (April 2011)
28) See all of these Mindfuck movies.
Jacob's Ladder (1990) (June 2011)
The Game (1997) (July 2010)
Memento (2000)
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
Donnie Darko (2001)
29) Go on a date. (November 2010)
31) Have a slumber party. (March 2011)
33) Donate blood twice a year. FAIL.
41) Go fishing (June 2011)
45) Go to at least 3 states I've never visited before.
Indiana
Michigan
49) Delete my Myspace, LinkedIn and OK Cupid profiles. (July 2010)
50) Go to the Christmas Eve bonfires in St. James parish. (December 2010)
52) Open a new bank account. (August 2010)
55) Cook 10 challenging dishes from celebrated chefs.
1)Devil's Chicken Thighs over Braised Leeks from Suzanne Goin's Sunday Suppers at Lucques (August 2010)
56) Cook a dish with one ingredient I've never used. (May 2011)
62) Visit 10 historical sites in New Orleans.
This may or may not include revisiting Marie Laveau's grave.
1) Preservation Hall
2) Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop
67) Learn to make 6 different cocktails from memory.
1) Pimm's Cup
70) Discover 5 new-to-me poets.
Recommendations welcome!
1) Dan Beachy Quick
2) Kate Daniels
73) Create an organized filing system for important documents. (October 2010)
75) Get a New Orleans library card (August 2010)
76) Take 1 really great photo to display in my home. (July 2011)
80) Update and start reusing iCal. (September 2010)
82) Pay off my Visa and find a card with lower interest rates. (May 2011)
83) Review 20 places on Yelp! and/or Urbanspoon.
Oak St. Cafe
Dooky Chase
GLUE Clothing Exchange
Elizabeth's
Z'otz
The Massage Emporium
Pal's Lounge
PURE Yogurt Culture
Cowbell
Maple St. Patisserie
Little Tokyo Noodle Bar
Azalea Lakes Veterinary Clinic
85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
2010- Pitchfork
2011- Festivale International
88) Go to all the major Mardi Gras parades
Krewe du Vieux
Endymion
Thoth
Bacchus
94) Visit family graves once a year.- 2010 complete.
96) Attend 10 cultural events.
No Exit (From the Zombie Apocalypse)
Macbeth
Completed/Failed
2) Sing Karaoke. (June 2011)
10) Get straight A's FAIL
14) Finish my correspondence course. FAIL
16) Donate $100 a year to charity.- 2010/2011 complete
17) Get another ear piercing. (November 2010)
18) Read 10 books from the Bloom Canon.- 4 read
Jane Austen Pride and Prejudice (October 2010)
Voltaire Candide (January 2011)
Mark Twain A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court (April 2011)
William James The Varieties of Religious Experience(June 2011)
19) Read 1 unassigned book per month.
July '10- Ann Patchett Run
August '10- Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
September '10- John Berendt Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
October '10- Stuart Berman This Book is Broken: A Broken Social Scene Story
November '10- Paule Marshall Praisesong for the Widow
December '10- Richard Yates Revolutionary Road
January '11- Neil White In the Sanctuary of Outcasts
February '11- Terry Moore Strangers in Paradise, Vol. 1
March '11- Terry Moore Strangers in Paradise, Vol. 2
April '11- Milan Kundera Slowness
(working on catching up on this one!)
23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
A- Ajami (2009) (October 2010)
B- The Blind Side (2009) (January 2011)
D- Date Night (2010) (August 2010)
E- Effi Briest (1974) (October 2010)
F- The Fighter (2010) (May 2011)
G- The Girl on the Bridge (1999) (November 2010)
H- How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) (August 2010)
I- Inception (2010) (July 2010)
L- Louder Than Bombs (Glosniej od bomb) (2001) (September 2010)
M- Men Who Stare At Goats (2009) (July 2010)
P- Pickpocket (1959) (November 2010)
R- Raising Arizona (1987) (July 2010)
S- Storytelling (2001) (July 2010)
V- Volcano (1997) (October 2010)
24) Learn 1 new word a week.- ongoing!
26) Take all my medication exactly as directed for 2 months. (April 2011)
28) See all of these Mindfuck movies.
Jacob's Ladder (1990) (June 2011)
The Game (1997) (July 2010)
Memento (2000)
Mulholland Dr. (2001)
Donnie Darko (2001)
29) Go on a date. (November 2010)
31) Have a slumber party. (March 2011)
33) Donate blood twice a year. FAIL.
41) Go fishing (June 2011)
45) Go to at least 3 states I've never visited before.
Indiana
Michigan
49) Delete my Myspace, LinkedIn and OK Cupid profiles. (July 2010)
50) Go to the Christmas Eve bonfires in St. James parish. (December 2010)
52) Open a new bank account. (August 2010)
55) Cook 10 challenging dishes from celebrated chefs.
1)Devil's Chicken Thighs over Braised Leeks from Suzanne Goin's Sunday Suppers at Lucques (August 2010)
56) Cook a dish with one ingredient I've never used. (May 2011)
62) Visit 10 historical sites in New Orleans.
This may or may not include revisiting Marie Laveau's grave.
1) Preservation Hall
2) Lafitte's Blacksmith Shop
67) Learn to make 6 different cocktails from memory.
1) Pimm's Cup
70) Discover 5 new-to-me poets.
Recommendations welcome!
1) Dan Beachy Quick
2) Kate Daniels
73) Create an organized filing system for important documents. (October 2010)
75) Get a New Orleans library card (August 2010)
76) Take 1 really great photo to display in my home. (July 2011)
80) Update and start reusing iCal. (September 2010)
82) Pay off my Visa and find a card with lower interest rates. (May 2011)
83) Review 20 places on Yelp! and/or Urbanspoon.
Oak St. Cafe
Dooky Chase
GLUE Clothing Exchange
Elizabeth's
Z'otz
The Massage Emporium
Pal's Lounge
PURE Yogurt Culture
Cowbell
Maple St. Patisserie
Little Tokyo Noodle Bar
Azalea Lakes Veterinary Clinic
85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
2010- Pitchfork
2011- Festivale International
88) Go to all the major Mardi Gras parades
Krewe du Vieux
Endymion
Thoth
Bacchus
94) Visit family graves once a year.- 2010 complete.
96) Attend 10 cultural events.
No Exit (From the Zombie Apocalypse)
Macbeth
101 in 1001- July update
16) Donate $100 a year to charity.
ARNO- $15
Covenant House New Orleans- $10
Amnesty International- $15
24) Learn 1 new word a week.
Impecunious- having no money
Sedulity- thoroughness
Inerrancy- infallibility
Contumacious- stubborn
45) Go to at 3 states I've never visited before.
1) Indiana
2) Michigan
76) Take one really great photo to display in my home.
I don't know what it is about this image (because it's not the best photo ever), but I really like it and I want to include it in a frame wall that I'm working on.
Full list here
ARNO- $15
Covenant House New Orleans- $10
Amnesty International- $15
24) Learn 1 new word a week.
Impecunious- having no money
Sedulity- thoroughness
Inerrancy- infallibility
Contumacious- stubborn
45) Go to at 3 states I've never visited before.
1) Indiana
2) Michigan
I don't know what it is about this image (because it's not the best photo ever), but I really like it and I want to include it in a frame wall that I'm working on.
Full list here
then they just put down their hands and moved into the sky
and we had barely said hello and it was time/to say goodbye
In two days, it will be my one year anniversary here in New Orleans. I'm lying in bed, wine drunk and sweaty from a combined bike ride and lack of great AC, singing sultry Ani DiFranco songs into the dark and I realized this felt familiar.
I'm still sweaty, tired, happy, and sad.
It still feels right.
In two days, it will be my one year anniversary here in New Orleans. I'm lying in bed, wine drunk and sweaty from a combined bike ride and lack of great AC, singing sultry Ani DiFranco songs into the dark and I realized this felt familiar.
I'm still sweaty, tired, happy, and sad.
It still feels right.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
"we haven't been taught a thing about our souls"
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