Saturday, August 20, 2011

faux bohemian

me: I'm in a weird spot right now
I keep trying to write about it but I don't think it's there yet
so here are my fragmented thoughts on it (some of which you've already heard)
academia is becoming less and less of an option. a ph.d is becoming less and less appealing. my life plans are up in the air, which is really weird for me because my plan has been my plan for a very long time.
so I've been thinking, kind of abstractly, "what are things I want out of my life?"
the concrete ideas I've come up with are: I want to do work that helps people. whether that manifests as non profit or continued volunteering or teaching...I want to do something that gives to the community.
I want to be as self sufficient as possible. grow my own food. can stuff. make clothes.
I want to have a kid. I don't know if I want to marry. I think I do, but maybe not. I want to write a book
so I'm trying to figure out how to do that, in the long term
christie: you'll get what you want, as long as you know those things are in the picture
there are a million ways to get there
the freedom in that, is one of the greatest feelings i've ever known
me: that's the part I'm trying to figure out
christie: just find something you want to get good at.
get good at it, don't marry it
keep learning stuff. the more self-sufficient as you are, the more you'll find time to learn to do what you love
the less money you need
it's possible
me: yeah
I just want to set down roots
and I think I want to set them down here
I really really want to be in new orleans
I am willing to work with new orleans to get what I want
christie: :)
it sounds beautiful.
me: :)
i hope so
I'm not good at perspective sometimes
I'm trying to be
christie: just keep the picture in your mind and believe in it
it becomes real
and then other people will start to see it
me: yeah. it's the logistics that worry me, you know?
christie: ah, fuck logistics. what logistics!
me: hahaha
christie: while practical, plans don't work out most of the time
that shit shouldn't worry you more than 20%, hehe
yeah, freak out when it gets critical, but there's always a way

me: I think I just need to push myself more than I do
I realized the other day that I don't really have a talent
I'm not a wonderful writer. I can't play an instrument. I can cook okay, but nothing spectacular
and a big part of that is because I convince myself that I can't learn how to do something. even though I can. and I have. and doing so brings me satisfaction.
for someone who is always claiming to hate being stagnant, that's a pretty hypocritical attitude for me to have :)
christie: it goes back to physics, no one is free from gravity, or the laws of motion.
objects at rest tend to stay at rest
it's a constant struggle
to not stay in one place, sitting in old bathwater
me: yeah
christie: cause it's so easy
me: I just fucking hate failing
and it's why I throw myself into grad school with a kind of anxious fervor
part of it "I'M GOING TO DO THIS" and the other part is "I can't take it if I don't"

christie: i think what you want looks pretty damn good
and hey, if you don't get married, we can be two straight women raising a kid and growing a garden
me: hahaah sweet
christie: IM SO DOWN

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