Sunday, March 28, 2010

your arms around my shoulder blades are useless

So that hair color thing only partially worked. The hair is a little darker but not much. It looks fine though. I also snipped my bangs with some manicure scissors.

It's becoming more difficult to deal with the prospect of breaking up. More and more often, I find myself crying uncontrollably. Today, R and I were lying around and laughing and it occurred to me that we only have 5 or 6 more Sundays like this, lying in bed together, being lazy and cooking late dinners. That's how I've been framing everything in my mind lately--time. I'm mentally crossing off days on the calendar that ends in some hazy point "around May or June." Every car ride, every kiss, every moment is something I can't help but put in my mind as "one of the last."

I try to be cheerful about it, accept it that it's going to happen and I'm fine when others are around but when it's just he and I, I have a hard time controlling my emotions. I just start crying and it's as though everything inside of me shrinks up, huddling up to ride it out--shrinking, disappearing. I know it's hard for him when I lose control like that and I don't want it to be, but I guess I also want some show of emotion too. I want to know that it matters to him that this is the end, that he's sad too, that some part of him hates this as much as I do. I guess I want to know I matter, even though I still feel like I don't matter enough for him to try and make it work. So I get sad and angry and spiteful, because all this just feels so fucking empty right now, playing out the end of this relationship. It just feel like such a throwaway, two people who love each other ending a relationship because staying together is no longer convenient.

That's kind of unfair of me, since I know he wants to go to UTA, but that's still how it feels to me--that I wasn't worth a compromise, that WE weren't worth a compromise. And I guess that's what kills me the most, because there's something pretty heartbreaking abut sharing your life with someone, day in and day out, for three years and feeling like it just didn't matter.

But I can't blame R for everything, because I'm just as unwilling to pack up my life and move to Austin with no opportunities there. I still maintain that he has (had?) more options than I did and could have gone to school in a city where I was able to go, but he won't and I'm not willing to make a compromise that large. So, I'm trying to just accept that this is happening and not be too angry with him or myself.

No comments:

Post a Comment