I know that's ridiculous.
You see, toward the end of June, my life was a blur. I was planning a wedding and a birthday party. I was probably drinking too much. And, after months of bouncing back and forth between apartments and a flea infestation at my own apartment (one that resisted 2 rounds of flea bombs, many tubes of Advantage, diatomaceous earth, and pretty much any flea remedy recommended on the internet), I made the decision to move in with Richie.
I spent most of July pulling off the two aforementioned events, packing up my apartment, renting a storage unit, bringing Marla to the vet, planning two large events at work, drinking more coffee and alcohol than recommended, spending more money than I really should have, and eventually, finally, at the end of the month, moving in with 3 dudes.
Which is, as you might imagine, it's own...situation.
With everything going on, I kind of forgot to update the blog. I intended to do it at the end of August and just do a two month recap. In that recap, I was going to include some words from Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking. But, in what I can only characterize as a giant brain fart, I returned the book to the library without writing down the words.
From this one small, easily rectified mistake, I built a mental block against this blog. I didn't want to update before I posted the 101 in 1001 updates, but I couldn't do that without the words! I realize how absurd that sounds, but welcome to a small selection of my thought process.
Oh, and we had a hurricane. That kind of threw a wrench in things.
But that's not being totally honest. I've had a bit of a slump lately. Not necessarily depression, but just one of those moments in life where all my desires come together in such a way that they seem overwhelming and impossible. And my reaction to that kind of situation is to shut down, which only makes things that much more overwhelming and seemingly impossible. Most of August and September have been spent trying to push myself to do something beyond the bare minimum required of me. I'm talking...finishing a half read book. Mailing some movies that I've already watched. Returning an overdue book to the library that is literally next door to my job. Seeing people.
Part of this is the living situation. I never do well when I'm not happy with my living situation and right now, things are kind of suspended. When I moved in with Richie, it was for a few reasons. One was because I was basically living there anyway. He's terribly sensitive to fleas and it was nearly impossible for him to come to my apartment during The Great Flea Infestation of 2012. Another was money. I'm trying to save up some money so I can buy a new car (as my current one is barely hanging on) and rent between 4 people is drastically lower than what I was paying on my own. Lastly, this was to serve as a trial period of living with Richie, to see how it went. So far, it has gone swimmingly. The problem is that the next step of this plan is to get our own place and due to various factors (money, a lease), we have to wait until at least December to do that.
So, I'm basically living out of boxes and things are cramped and I live in a shotgun house with three guys, which isn't the most private situation in the world. And by that, I mean I AM NEVER ALONE. For a person who is pretty reserved and, dare I say, "hermit-esque," that's uncomfortable. It's maddening. I know there are tons of solutions to this problem, but right now the only one I want is my own apartment, with my boyfriend and my stuff and no cardboard boxes and no one else's dirty dishes and beer cans (I am seriously thisfuckingclose to throwing dirty dishes into other people's rooms). I want to stop feeling like I'm living in a live-action movie about Wendy and the Lost Boys. I want to walk around naked!
All that said, it's not like my life is total misery and, in all honesty, things are pretty decent right now if you put aside The Slump. A dear friend is getting married in December and I'm a bridesmaid in her wedding (I have been a bridesmaid a LOT lately. I don't mind. I love weddings.) Richie and I have our one-year anniversary coming up at the end of this month and we're splashing out on a room at Le Pavillon. I'm happy with my boyfriend and I've had fun with my friends lately. I've been invited to so many shows and parties and events that I'm unable to attend all of them. I finally went through tutor training for STAIR and I'll start tutoring in October. I'm supposed to be getting a promotion at the end of the month. I bought some purple jeans. I'm throwing myself a really
I just need to shake this feeling that I'm not doing enough and, more than that, that I CAN'T do anything, and just get out there and do something. Step One: Press "Publish" on this entry.