twenty-twelve

So this is the new year
And I have no resolutions
For self assigned penance
For problems with easy solutions

At the beginning of 2011, I made a list of all the things that had happened in the previous year. I don't feel such a need to reflect on 2011. It, in the end, wasn't really the happiest year of my life. It was a tough year where I lost people, both to death and irreconcilable differences. I can't even work up the vigor to be pissed off at 2011...I'm just tired and I don't want to think about it. But, with the new year, I did think back to this time last year.

New Year's Eve 2010 was documented here. A person who believes in Fate might find that kind of ushering in to be rather foreboding. I was incredibly sad that night, sadder than I cared to admit or, really, even recognize. I later tried to blame that sadness on someone else, but really, it wasn't anyone's fault. 2010 had been a weird, weird year and I think that the end of that year was too much to deal with at the time.

This NYE was vastly different. I party hopped with friends and Richie, toasted to the New Year at Snake and Jake's, kissed my boyfriend, then went neighborhood wandering. A group of us ended up back at my house, listening to records, talking, cuddling on my couch and enjoying our friendships. It was, in the end, a night of friends and gratitude and delight, a night so full that it lasted until 5:30am. We napped, then Richie and I got up and made gumbo and cookies and French press coffee and everyone gathered in my dining room and ate. I spent the rest of the evening wrapped up with Richie, watching movies.

When part of our group returned to my house at around 4am on NYE night, they asked what we'd been up to and Christie said, "Well, we walked around and then...we stopped." I said, "We stopped. That was our night." Annie stated, "2012: We Stopped." It's been our joking slogan, fitting in so many ways (the end is nigh, friends!), but I also like "2012: We're Full."

One reflection on 2011 that I think is fitting is this one:
I don't really do the whole New Year resolutions thing, because my resolution is always to try and be a better person, but I think part of that is taking care of myself and not getting so lost in other people and what I think they think of me. Not going crazy and losing my shit. Not trying to perpetuate relationships with people who could not give a fuck less.
2010 was a year of massive emotional upheaval. 2011 was about fine tuning my responses to that, about cleaning up my life a little. In that sense, I think I achieved my resolution. I've made some really wonderful connections in 2011, I've filtered out people that don't matter or who don't care, and I've tried to be kind in my interactions with both. I'd argue that sometimes kindness is sternness or knowing when to walk away. I've dealt with some incredibly difficult situations this year and every time, I was surrounded by people who genuinely cared about my well-being. I hope I've been that person to them as well.

So, in that spirit, I don't have a staunch 2012 resolution. The year promises to be a rather drastic one--I'll graduate from Tulane, I'll know whether or not I got into a Ph.D program (and if I did, I may have to move, which will come with it's own set of issues), I have two trips planned for this year (Chicago and San Francisco). I will continue to work, really work, toward being the best friend, daughter, sister, girlfriend, person I can be, for everyone else and for myself. I will try and better myself, try and push myself a little more and not get mired down in the idea that I can't do it, I will make time for fun, and try to sleep more, and love fully. It isn't a penance, it's just the right thing to do.

i know more than i knew before

Today I had a full blown anxiety attack about the GRE and doctoral programs...mostly along the lines of "I haven't studied enough I'm going to blow it and not get into grad school AND THEN MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED OH MY GOD."

But this weekend, I got to (unexpectedly) see a fair amount of friends. I cooked delicious Indian food and baked brownies. I got a TON of reading done. I got to help three friends out in major ways. I had a mini dance party in my kitchen. I got a foot rub. I took naps while it rained. Someone told me I was beautiful. Three different people made an effort to calm me down when I lost my shit. Someone told me they missed me. I helped someone make a big decision. I met a dude from L.A. I ate an amazing homemade breakfast that I didn't cook. I took a long walk after the storm.

Not getting into a Ph.D program can't even touch that.

P.S. Who can be sad with this in their life?:

all that feeling

After the wake, I went to Barnes and Noble. I wanted to browse the poetry section and see if I could find some new poets. As I was scanning, I noticed Codrescu's It Was Today out of order, in between two Blake collections. I pulled it down to scan through it and the first poem I opened to was an elegy titled "for lynn luria sukenick." The first few lines are:

What if there is no story
only a feeling?
Of course there are many stories
in that feeling
only they didn't happen to me

I stopped and held the book for a bit, feeling almost overwhelmed. Being at the wake of someone you're not particularly close to produces that kind of feeling. I didn't know all of Sandy's stories or even many of them, but there combined was a wealth of memories that created a feeling of love and, with it, a cutting loss. The person those stories happened to is gone. And now, we are left with a feeling.

I grabbed the book and decided to purchase it, on the strength of that poem. As I was walking off, another cover caught my eye and I kept walking but then turned back around to see who the poet was. Laura Mullen, my other poetry teacher. Sometimes I like to think that God is coincidence.

After that, I had an insane urge to write. RIGHT NOW. When I walked downstairs, I saw a sketchpad and some graphite pencils, so I grabbed them because they were the first writing materials I could find. I need to get back in the habit of carrying a pen and notepad. Then I stood looking out the window for a minute and, because my mind was in a morbid place anyway, I took a photo of reflection because I thought it looked ghostly.

I checked out (after having a conversation with the cashier about the color of my blouse--she thought it was coral and I maintained it was a dusty pink and either way, I felt ambitious wearing it because I rarely wear colors other than black/gray/purple) and walked outside in all my sad girl glory: clutching a poetry book and a notepad, in mourning, into the night. And I almost got hit by a kid flying through the parking lot, blaring "Smack My Bitch Up." I laughed.






for lynn luria sukenick
by: Andrei Codrescu, from It Was Today
What if there is no story
only a feeling?
Of course there are many stories
in that feeling
only they didn't happen to me
they either just happened
to someone else
or happened a long time ago
and so recent and ancient
the stories hung in that feeling
like clusters of grapes
refreshing and intelligent
& I had the honor to drink in
their presence on one or two occasions
in the sap-filled and haunted
days of the late nineteen sixties
in the haunted late city of Santa Cruz
in the soon-to-be haunted state
of California just waking up
in those days in the embrace
of Ronald Reagan future
President of Star Wars winner
of the Cold War
& in that sexy intelligence
of Lynn's there was both wisdom & escape
through there was no story
only a feeling
& in those days most feelings came
before there was a story
so we bumped into stories
just to have something to hold
all that feeling
there were many stories
but with Lynn & for Lynn
only a feeling

full of love.

I've been listening to Fleetwood Mac's "Silver Springs" all day today. It's been a harrowing day. Blair and I broke up. And while I know it's for the best, it's still shitty and sad and I feel guilty and awful about it.

But, after it happened, I took a 9 mile bike ride, circling twice through Audubon park while listening to some Broken Social Scene, which did a lot to put me in a better frame of mind. Speaking of, I got a new bike (did I mention my old one was stolen? Yeah. I hope I have better luck with this one.):

Her name is Heloise :)










So, other than that, it's been an interesting month. I've been drinking far far too much--I threw back a bottle of wine just last night and that's probably the 5th one in a week and a half period, in addition to numerous other drinks. I flew to Chicago to ride with Erin to Mike's wedding in Columbus. The wedding ceremony was absolutely beautiful, a perfect celebration of Mike and Jarod's love and commitment to one another, as well as their quirkiness. There was a blessing by their parents, someone read a Neil Gaiman poem, a gay mens' choir sang and the entire thing was held on a farm. I cried throughout, partly from the beauty and partly from a deep sense of sadness that there are still so many fucking people out there who want to legislate who we're allowed to love and spend the rest of our lives with, who hate people like my beautiful amazing friends purely because of the love they share between one another.

But much as I loved seeing Mike, I have to admit that it was seeing Erin that was really the highlight of my trip. There are some people that you just fall in with, like you never left, no matter how long its been. Erin and I have that kind of friendship. We were driving back to Chicago from Columbus and I mentioned that to her and she said, "You know, I was thinking that too. Like, when Mike told me he was getting married, there was no question that I'd be there. It'd be the same for you. It's just that kind of friendship." On the way back, we detoured into Michigan, because Indiana is the most boring drive ever (except for Missouri) and we ate at a Buffalo Wild Wings, because we have an infatuation with this news story. We hung out late into the night, drinking honey bourbon on her balcony and catching up and just being with her made me feel right minded again. Maybe I just needed a change of scenery or maybe I needed her advice, but I felt so much clearer after we talked.

Female relationships are so strange to me. I get along really well with guys and, for a long time, they were the ones I made lasting friendships with. But I have these really intense female relationships with Erin and Christie and Alyson and it's almost a feeling that goes beyond any definition of friendship, any verbalizing of "best friends". I feel like those two people can see straight through me sometimes, that they can read my mind. And reminding myself of those connections is almost overwhelming. I mostly come away feeling gratitude to have people like them in my life.

Erin and I, pre-rehearsal dinner.

Me, Mike and Erin at the rehearsal dinner.

Me, sloshed after the dinner. Yay, wine.

My favorite image from the wedding.

Obligatory kiss photo!

Mike and me dancing :)

what a wonderful world

Things I did today:
Knelt in a bathtub and cleaned feces off of a trembling 8 week old kitten I was fostering (more later)
Rushed to the vet
Rushed to the animal emergency hospital
Had tearful, but pragmatic conversation with doctor
Held 8 week old kitten while she was put to sleep
Cried profusely
Hung out in a gas station parking lot in Old Metairie and drank an icee while waiting for my radiator to cool down after it started spraying antifreeze
Locked my keys in my car
Nap
Had a beer and a burger on the patio at G B's while reading a book and trying to calm down
Levee with Alyson and Otis and lots of other dogs
Nap/crying
Banks St. Bar w/ Eric
Snuggling with Marla/crying

Tomorrow, please be better. If you are worse, I probably won't be on this earth much longer.

all lit up

Earlier I decided that, in spite of feeling miserable, I was going to walk to Little Tokyo to get some soup. I'm pretty sure I have strep throat. All these people around me have it (2 coworkers, a professor, my mom) and, judging from my polka-dotted uvula and low-grade fever, I probably do too. I Googled it at the MLK/S. Claiborne stoplight while nervously hoping one of the cops on either side of the intersection didn't check out my been-expired-for-a-year inspection sticker.

When I stepped outside, I thought it might be raining. I stuck my arms out, felt drizzles, then turned around to go back inside. "Getting the car keys?" my neighbor asked. I think I've conditioned them to realize headphones equal walking. "No, the umbrella." I replied. They gave me a funny look but didn't say anything.

This marks my second walk in the rain this week, the first one being Monday. I left Z'otz and made it half a block before the deluge began. I ran back and the barista, the cute one who thinks I sound like I'm from another country, invited me to wait it out and gave me some water. Things cleared up and I gave it another 15, which was a mistake, because this time I made it 2 blocks before it started pouring again. But, my walk today was nicer. Most of it was a drizzle, so I didn't even use the umbrella. And yeah, maybe it's stupid to take walks in the heat when you're ill, but it felt refreshing, healing, to walk fast and breathe in short bursts and sweat a little. It's not necessarily about "getting some fresh air," but just getting some air at all. One interesting thing about New Orleans is the litany of smells. Everyone knows the Quarter smell, that smell of old piss and trash and beer and food. Sometimes, I get a whiff of the CBD, like today, when I had to walk across the Saratoga parking garage to get checks and this sickly sweet smell of garbage and heat (yes, heat has a scent) wafted by. The smell tonight seemed familiar too, very familiar, and I kept trying to pick it out. I finally realized it smelled like old timber, making me think of my dad, the carpenter. Specifically, I thought about the time that he and his crew were gutting and redoing the old Heidelberg Hotel back in 2005 and he let me come in and take pictures of the inside (some of those can be seen here).

I've thought about my dad a lot lately, specifically relating to my desire to learn to sew again and to build stuff. He's always been a man who worked with his hands, who created and worked, many times thanklessly, always with a fierce pride and determination to never half ass it. I have a lot of conflicted feelings about my dad, but he's definitely imbued me with that same determination...a kind of drive that comes off casually but burns deeply, making me infuriatingly stubborn about doing something with my life. I've always attributed my stubbornness to my mom, but he played a big part in that side of my personality.

So, anyhow, the skies open up right when I'm about to cross Willow, so I skip the last few steps and I guess my little burst of energy convinced me that I could eat more than the soup I'd come there for, because I ended up ordering soup, seaweed salad and 2 sushi rolls. While I waited on my take out order, I texted myself to remind me to blog. I wrote, "Walk in rain, umbrella, old wood smell, why am I writing blogs instead of poems?" except "blogs" autocorrected to "blobs," which seems like just the kind of pretentious observation about life that this blog/blob is all about. ;)

A girl at Little Tokyo complimented me on my red hair scarf, which made me laugh because I'd worn it to class tonight and gotten some commentary on it there too. I almost skipped class tonight because I felt like shit, but it was our last class and I'd skipped the one on Tuesday, so I felt compelled to show up. When I walked in, 10 minutes late, Horowitz stopped talking and said, "How are you?" I said, "I'm okay?" and he said, "You look grumpy." I said, "I don't feel well." Another guy said, "You didn't ask me how I was when I walked in!" and Horowitz said, "But she looks like she's in a bad mood!" and other guy said, "Oh sure, it's all an attempt to woo her." A couple of people snickered and I blushed, because I already think that people in the class think Prof and I are fucking, because he mentioned me coming by his house to drop off a book and letting me borrow movies and stuff and he always wants me to talk in class. I assure you, dear readers, I have had no improper relations with my professor, not even a chaste hug.

So I sat down and Horowitz said, "You know, I think it the hat, the...bandanna?" I touched it and said, "My bandanna?" and he said "Yeah, you know, Rhoda always wore them, they'd put her in them when she was mad and she was kind of the contrast to Mary, because she was always happy." And then I was delighted, because, guys, I spent a lot of time watching Nick at Nite as a kid. I even had a Nick at Nite board game. I own the complete Lucille Ball collection on video. I remember specific episodes of Taxi. And Rhoda was, by far, my favorite character on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

I got home with my large food bounty (after another long walk in the rain. I finally abandoned the umbrella and just walked in the rain because it had died down some and it was easier to get wet than try to hold a bag of food, an umbrella and a purse) and realized, halfway through eating the seaweed salad, that I wasn't hungry, but I hated to waste all that food, so I kept trying to eat the sushi. I'd chew it and quickly swallow while trying not to think about it (insert euphemism of choice here), then I tried peeling off the rice and finally I threw the rest away. What I really really wanted was a Sprite, but my walk exhausted me to the point where going anywhere was no longer an option. I posted a whiny FB status that said, "I really want someone to bring me a Sprite :(" Within a minute, my friend Blake texted and said he'd bring me one. I texted back and told him I was sick, that he didn't have to, that I was whining but I didn't want to get him sick and he wrote back, "I'm immune. What's your address?"

I felt kind of like an ass at this point because a) I felt too shitty to entertain anyone (the idea that was going to have to put on pants was enough to make me want to pass out) but I felt like it would only be polite to invite him in and b) I really wanted a fountain Sprite, but one does not make special requests of one's friends when they are going out of their way to fulfill your bitchery.

About 20 minutes later, I hear a knock and I open the door to find Blake holding not just a (delicious, wonderful, life-giving) fountain Sprite, but a Powerade, a bottle of cranberry juice and a Hubig pie. I was so touched, I almost started crying. I was also kind of astonished that someone would be that nice to me. He gave all of that stuff to me and then said, "I'm not going to stay because I have beans on the stove and I know you probably feel like shit, so gimme a hug and I'll check on you tomorrow."

It's been an enlightening day.

best

Sometimes Alyson sends me a Lenten reflection. I'm still pretty at odds with the whole religion idea, but I like the non-preachy aspect of these. I think I like reading them with the curiosity with which I'd read a blog...I'm interested to see a personal application of these verses. I liked the one today:

Have mercy on me, O God, in your goodness;
in the greatness of your compassion wipe out my offense.
Thoroughly wash me from my guilt
and of my sin cleanse me. Ps 51:3-4

A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your holy spirit take not from me. Ps 51:12-13

I can never read this psalm the same way I did before November 2006, when a friend of mine committed suicide. Somehow this psalm and his death are connected in both my heart and soul. You see, he was a wonderful man, loved by many, and also troubled in spirit. He would often say he was always conscious of his sins and that God was right in judging him; but, oh, how we loved him!
This Lent I too am aware of my sins: how easy it is to stray, to be mean spirited and unaware of the pain of others when we are living our own difficulties. And yet these days call us to move beyond ourselves, to become our “best selves” so that we too may experience the joy that comes from God’s salvation.

This Lent I will honor my friend’s memory by loving more freely, by refraining from any judgments so that I can indeed be my “best self.” I know that I will need to be constantly aware of God’s grace showering me with opportunities to turn back to the one who loves me unconditionally. (from here)

In the end, I think that's what life...what being a human...is about: being the best person you can be and trying to see the best in others, even when they don't extend you that same courtesy. Living a life that is good and reflecting positively on others. It's a valuable lesson to learn, even if it's one I'm constantly relearning.

always and forever

Sometimes I take the Myers-Briggs to see if my personality type has changed. But I am an INFJ forever and always.

Per Wikipedia:
I – Introversion preferred to extraversion: INFJs tend to be quiet and reserved. They generally prefer interacting with a few close friends rather than a wide circle of acquaintances, and they expend energy in social situations (whereas extraverts gain energy).
N – Intuition preferred to sensing: INFJs tend to be more abstract than concrete. They focus on the big picture rather than the details, and on future possibilities rather than immediate realities.
F – Feeling preferred to thinking: INFJs tend to value personal considerations above objective criteria. When making decisions, they often give more weight to social implications than to logic.
J – Judgment preferred to perception: INFJs tend to plan their activities and make decisions early. They derive a sense of control through predictability.

Characteristics of INFJs
Some practitioners have speculated that Johann Wolfgang von Goethe was an INFJ. However, according to the guidelines for the ethical use of the MBTI, only those taking the assessment can identify their own best fit.
INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.
INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.
INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits", rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.
INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired. Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

fights for rights

As I mentioned, I'm taking an ethics class right now and our first topic of discussion is abortion. Part of our class participation is posting on the class discussion board. I'm trying to balance my apprehension about public speaking with my own strong opinions on these subjects and I wanted to copy my own post here, because I think it does a good job of summing up my thoughts about responsibility and abortion.

"A topic that often comes up in abortion debates is that of personal responsibility--namely should it be acceptable for a woman who unintentionally becomes pregnant (in cases unattributable to rape)to obtain an abortion? I think this is something many anti-abortion advocates seize on, making the argument that someone's "irresponsibility" should not give them permission to abort a child.

Thomson and Warren both address this issue. However, neither goes into the implications of such an argument (perhaps correctly--since it is not the direct focus of either piece). Those implications are something I'm interested in exploring, namely how the "responsibility" argument works as a means of undermining women's autonomy and judgment.

Insisting that a woman should be responsible for carrying a pregnancy because of any "failures" of responsbility (lack of condoms or birth control, misuse of these things, prevention failing, etc.) is to place the onus of sexual responsibility squarely on the woman. I believe that it, to some extent, makes sexual activity a punishable act for women, without enforcing those same restrictions for men. In doing this, an unrealistic gender dichotomy is set up--if we are to argue that a woman of childbearing age who chooses to have sex should automatically be responsbile for carrying a pregnancy that might come of such activities, then where is the line drawn? Do we argue that these women should not have sex at all? If the woman is married but does not want children (or cannot afford them), should she too abstain?

My point is, this kind of argument leads to a slippery slope in which womens' sexuality is placed under any number of authoritarian restrictions (which may be, but are not necessarily, placed on men). The "responsibility" argument also ignores a number of factors: rape victims, socioeconomic status (if someone cannot afford birth control, should she be banned from having sex? What kind of class division does this set up?), and most importantly, the right of a woman to make personal decisions about her own body and life."

2010 highs and lows

This is a post I meant to make before the new year but, obviously, did not do.

In 2010:
-Ravi's practice space (The Caterie) burned down New Years' Day and resulted in instrument loss for about 9 bands
-Haiti earthquake
-The Saints won the Super Bowl
-Erin and I visited Mike in Columbus (marking my first extended exposure to snow)
-Healthcare reform passed
-Had my wisdom teeth pulled
-Erin, Ravi and I went to New York for Becky and Dorian's wedding
-BP oil spill
-Ravi got into pharmacy school and I got into grad school
-Erin moved to Chicago
-Ravi and I went to Chicago for Pitchfork festival
-Got in a wreck
-Ravi and I broke up
-Quit my job at LCA
-Moved to New Orleans
-Was unemployed for 2.5 months and went through my savings
-Started first semester of grad school
-Got a paying job with Tulane Ortho and a non-paying job with goodnola.com
-Forced myself to conquer social anxiety and made some friends
-Turned 25
-Had a wee breakdown, brought on by stress, depression and exhaustion
-Recovered and drank sloe gin 'til the midnight hour

I keep talking about 2010 as a shitty year, because in a lot of ways it was for me--I exited this year broke, single and more than a little shaken. But I also had a lot of fun this year, met some really great people, reestablished and improved on some friendships, kissed a dude or two, (re)learned that I'm able to be self-sufficient and alone, and I'm living in a city that I enjoy. In a way, 2010 wasn't so much shitty as it was just hectic and full of upheaval, which was, occasionally, pretty overwhelming. I don't think there's ever been a year where I've challenged myself so much, but in the end, I think it's paid off. I feel less stagnant. As I told Christie earlier today, even in the worst parts of this year, I never regretted the choices I've made, because as hard as things have been, I feel like I'm on my way to being a lot happier with myself.

I think now the key is building on those things--doing more things that I want to do but have convinced myself that I can't for whatever reason (time, money, anxiety, etc.) I want to make more friends or at least meet people. I want to write poems (I got started for a bit but then stopped again when I became unhappy with what I was writing). I want to volunteer. I want to write and get paid for it. I want to make changes to my body that will make me happier with it. I want to get my health issues in order. I want to better stay abreast of politics. I want to go to a bar alone and not break into hives over it. I want to be more comfortable with the person I am, on my own terms.

I'd also like to stop being redundant, but that may not happen any time soon. :)

"And so today/my world it smiles/your hand in mine/we walk the miles"

This weekend has been kind of a shitty one for me, emotionally. I don't want to really go into it, because it doesn't really make sense when I type it out and I've already gone into it enough, but if anything good came out of this weekend, it was a huge reminder of how amazing my friends are.

Ravi listened to a lot of my bullshit that he's really not obliged to. Erin and I had some long talks and she told me, "next time you want to text ____, text me instead." Alyson has been a champ--we spent NYE together, drinking at Pascal Menale's, watching fireworks together from the side of Carrollton and eating pancakes at 1am. She and I have been leaning on one another quite a bit lately and though we sway a bit, we tend to balance one another out. Christie and I text back and forth and, last night, she and Ross sent me a video from Oklahoma to tell me how much they love me. Michael took me out dancing, because we were both in shitty moods. T, K & T let me stay over at their house and I spent most of today in bed there, sleeping and watching movies. Nancy posted this on FB:
"'you are my non-lesbian girlfriend. I love you. I remember when I first saw you too. It was like..the same day and I remember thinking you were really nice and then you asked if our group could be called "Marlon Brando" and I thought you were so cool.'

I heart me some Mandi"
(part of a message I sent her a few years ago, when we were talking about how we first met in theater class)

I've been so busy being hurt by a handful of people not caring about me that I forget to take into account the opinions of those who do, who care enough to go out of their way to help me and let me know they love me. It's hard to feel empty with people like that around. It's hard not to burst.

doting

Today, Ravi and I were chatting and I made a comment about how it would be nice to "have a gas stove again--they're good in case of storms or hurricanes," and he asked me, "Would you really stay in New Orleans during a hurricane?" I replied that I'd evacuate to my parents house and he said, "No, you should go to Al's house" (mu uncle's house nearby, a far sturdier shelter than my parents' trailer that they are currently living in while the build the house-that-I-am-beginning-to-doubt-will-ever-be.)

Later, I helped him pack boxes and I made some lentil soup, for which he asked the recipe. As I typed it up to send to him, it dawned on me how glad I am that we still care about each other and are concerned about each others welfare enough to make a concerted effort to help one another. In a way, I suppose, it's sad to leave someone for whom you care so much, but it's also comforting to know that even though we can't (or won't, which we also discussed this weekend) make this work, we still have that friend in each other. It's also a nice realization during a time when I sometimes wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just avoid each other as much as possible until all this is done, so we can spare ourselves the constant reminder that we are splitting up.

I don't mean for this to sound sappy, but with all the underlying depression in many of these posts, I wanted to have this to remind myself that I haven't always been muddled and sad during this breakup; I've found bright spots and good things to fall back on.

big things, big people

Yesterday, healthcare reform finally passed the House. I'm excited for it, happy for those people who don't have to worry about losing their insurance, happy for parents with sick kids who can get those kids insured, ecstatic for the millions who have a fighting chance now.

That's where my mind goes when I hear, from the conservative side, that "healthcare is a privilege, not a right." I won't even get into all of the absurdity behind that kind of "reasoning" but I will say this. People who can so casually dismiss the needs of others, who wonder why they have to pay for something bad that happens to someone else...those people are monstrous. I cannot fathom this kind of "fuck you" attitude and I certainly can't respect it or lend any sort of credence to it. I like my money and hate my taxes just as much as anyone, but surely, SURELY, the necessity, the MORAL necessity of these things should be at least somewhat clear?

I fear I'm too earnest sometimes when it comes to these sorts of issues. I disagree with a fair amount that's in the bill myself. I don't think it goes far enough in many arenas, I don't like the split abortion billing that lends itself to the possibility that insurances will stop covering abortions due to billing difficulties, I don't like some of the fee schedule that will be enacted (I work in healthcare and it will affect those patients. I'd elaborate, but I shouldn't, so I won't.). But overall, I am glad that we have this first step, which will hopefully lead to a long path in healthcare reform. (I hope you liked that amazing metaphor. I'm an English graduate.)

On a different note, R and I watched The Straight Story tonight, the 1999 Lynch film. It was a very quiet movie--quietly sad, quietly humorous and quietly respectful. I really enjoyed it. I found it strangely fitting that Richard Farnsworth ended his life after making a movie that dealt so heavily with how a life is lived and how a legacy is created.