dialogue

Me: just kind of having a generally bad day, body image wise
I threw up my lunch
Steven: Why, is no good
Me: just feeling gross
I just feel really fucking unattractive sometimes
and then my friends are all "oh you're beautiful!"
but then...they make fat jokes about people. or ___ will comment about how skinny his girlfriend used to be and how she's fat now, and ugly
and things people say about other women stick in my head
like when you said E had put on weight when you guys were dating and you weren't attracted to her
dudes make those kind of offhand comments all the time. so do women.
and that shit sticks in my head and every time I feel self-conscious about my weight, that's what comes to the forefront so even when people are like 'no, you look great!" it sounds hollow.
Steven: Not everyone is attracted to the same things. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else thinks. Tree only person who does is the palm you're with
Me: no, that's not quite true. the only person it should matter to should be me.
Steven: Not trying to imply you were
Me: but that's not really how it works in practice
Steven: That's too Sunday morning special for me
Me: it bothers me that those kind of offhand comments get to me like they do
at the same time, it bothers me that they're made.
that I make them myself.

scholar in training

letters from professors, in response to requests for letters of rec:

Dear Mandi,
Very good idea. I'm busy but I really think the world of you. I only worry about the job market in academia. But go forward anyway; you don't know where it will lead.
I can do it, but will they send me links?

Sincerely, B. Horowitz

Dear Mandi –

Yes, I will write the letters for you. I don’t need any extra information.

Peace,
~ JLH

Hi Mandi,

Good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing. And I'm sorry to hear you've had a difficult semester personally.

I would be happy to write you a letter of recommendation for graduate school. I can do the OSU letter right around the deadline, probably December 12 or thereabouts. So they will have it by the deadline.

In the meantime, leave me in my mailbox any information that might be useful to me in writing the letter, including your resume & also a draft of any kind of statement of purpose you will have written by December 12.

I'll also look at the paper you wrote for the independent study & give you some feedback about revisions, but again, I probably won't have time to get to that until December 12.

If you want to meet in the meantime to discuss the application process, my office hours this fall are Mondays, Thursdays, and Fridays, 3-5 pm. I know you work regular hours, so if there's some time that would work particularly well for you, let me know & I can try to make that time available.

More later, but you can definitely plan on my doing these letters for you. Yours, Tom

Hi Mandi,
I'm happy to revise the letter I wrote earlier. Could you send me a
revised CV and statement of purpose for your applications? I'd like to
be able to comment on what you've been doing. What is the deadline? Let
me know where to send letters or if they can be uploaded electronically.

Dan

SO MUCH RELIEF. I am clapping in my office.

juxtaposition

I had a really really bad day yesterday.
I went to the funeral on about 4 hours of sleep. I spent most of the time beforehand talking to my cousin Joe, the one who recently lost his wife to cancer. The funeral itself was very very hard, made more so by the preacher who spent the entire time trying to convert people to Christianity and making comments like, "I've never had anyone I know die in...this manner but..." I wanted to stand up and shout, "NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT YOUR LIFE, YOU SMUG FUCK."
One bright spot was hanging out with my 8 year old cousin, who regaled me with tales of how his sister loves cookies, how he loves cookies, how he does a great dog impression, how the Tigers are going to go all the way unless they lose to Arkansas. At one point, he solemnly looked at me and said, "Mandi, you sure did grow a lot since I saw you." I replied, "Well, no. I'm just wearing heels." I took them off and he said, sagely, "I thought so. You're pretty short. I'm almost as tall as you."
On the way back to New Orleans, the front tire on the truck blew and there wasn't a jack in the truck, so my mom and little brother had to come out and Alex changed the tire. Then the spare was flat. So we filled it but it's leaking air.
I finally make it to Richie's and he went to Bayona to pick up his paycheck so we could go out that night for dinner. But his check was postdated, so no one would cash it and I ended up just giving him the cash to pay. Both of us were so frustrated by that point, that we almost skipped dinner and stayed home drinking.

Instead, we ended up having a really fantastic night. We went to Cochon (Richie's birthday present to me) and I had some prosecco while we waited for a table. The food was absolutely incredible--we split the boucherie plate (cured ham, salami, prosciutto, pate, hogshead cheese, crutons, bread and butter pickles, pickled tomatillos with dijon mustard), followed by a amuse bouche of grilled oysters and a bowl of seafood gumbo Richie ordered. For dinner, I got a seared pork belly on a bed of mashed turnips and garlic green beans, while Richie got the cochon with braised cabbage and turnips and topped with cracklins. We split a dessert of a chocolate ice cream "sandwich' filled with caramel ice cream and topped with chocolate strudel and peanut brittle. I seriously almost cried, the food was so good. Hands down the best meal I've ever eaten.
Afterward, we met up with a couple of friends and had a little coffee and a few beers at Avenue Pub.So, a really wonderful way to end an incredibly shitty day.

Unfortunately, I forgot my camera last night, but here are some pics from birthday celebrating:
Ladies at my Fancy Pants Party
lady p-i-m-p
Jason and me...I'm drinking from a "woozie"--a wine glass with a coozie--and he's drinking from a wine glass made from a Mason Jar
Nancy and I posing with Margaret Atwood books. Nancy is so gorgeous.
Richie and me, wherein I look exceptionally drunk
Nano and me, after lunch with the family. I am hungover.

come in close

Me: my mind is broken right now
Im on sinus meds because my glands keep swelling up, I've been looking at grad school applications all day and I need to start on my thesis
plus, everything else. funeral, etc
Eric: ugh
we should have traded days
i just sat on my couch the whole time
Me: hahaha you don't want this day!
it's been informative at least
Eric: if i could take your day off of your hands i would

Maybe I don't expect enough from my guy friends, but I thought this was so damn sweet that I barely knew what to say.

overload

So, I've got bronchitis and the GRE is tomorrow morning and I'm having a party tomorrow night and Marla woke me up at 6:45 trying to puke on my head and she's got worms in her poop and I got a call from my mom this morning telling me that my aunt blew her brains out this morning.

Aunt Pam and Uncle Gene at Pam's son's wedding

the kindness of strangers

Me: I love zotz
I just had a horrible coughing fit
the barista brought me water, a friend gave me a mini twix and some stranger gave me a cough drop
I feel the love.
Christie:haha. musta been a bad one!
but that's cool
they wouldn't do that at perks. FUCK THEM THEY DONT CARE
Me: yeah, I was doubled over
hahahahaa
well, that dude at perks did give me meds that time
maybe I just have a pitiful look about me
Christie: naw, peeps is just nice to you
Me: I appreciate it
I still feel like blanche dubois though

101 in 1001- October update

16) Donate $100 a year to charity.
Louisiana Partnership for the Arts- $10

19) Read 1 unassigned book per month.
July '11- John Knowles A Separate Peace
Still playing catch up on these. I can't believe I'd never read A Separate Peace, but I bought it for a dollar at the Borders going out of business sale and figured the present was as good a time as any. Such a wonderful book. I've seen it compared to A Catcher in the Rye a lot and while it didn't give me the same kind of deep, existential questions and feelings that Catcher did (maybe because I'm not a teenager anymore?), but I also found A Separate Peace more relatable somehow.

24) Learn 1 new word a week.
Obarmate- to arm against
Impanate- embodied in bread (o.O)
Damier- large-squared pattern
Etrier- a short rope ladder with a few rungs of wood or metal

69) Buy a set of lingerie.
As hinted at in this post, I bought some lingerie. I did a full set: bra, panties, garter belt, and stockings. I'm still a little iffy on lingerie, but Richie loved it and it was fun to wear pretty underthings.

70) Discover 5 new-to-me poets.
3) Marie Howe

83) Review 20 places on Yelp! and/or Urbanspoon.
13) The Ruby Slipper Cafe
14) Oak
15) The Lucky Ladle

85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
an extra!
Voodoo Fest

93) Become more familiar with local and federal politicians and vote in all major elections. FAIL (sorta)
So this one pisses me off. When I moved here, I changed my voter registration but SOMEHOW, I became UNREGISTERED to vote. I received a voter registration card and everything, but I wasn't registered in Orleans Parish and my registration in EBR was canceled. So when I went to vote in the most recent election for governor, etc., I wasn't able to. I am annoyed by this unintentional failure.

96) Attend 10 cultural events.
3) Save Our Souls
This was really fun. I was asked to cover a screening Save Our Souls, a documentary of a local burlesque troupe, for GoodNola. It was at Republic and there were lots of free drinks and dancers and the documentary itself was great.

Left: At the screening with my friend Matt, some drunk eyes and my bra showing. Classy!