escape

Last Friday, I got to a point where I started to worry myself, so I threw some clothes in a backpack and drove back to Baton Rouge a day earlier than I needed to be there (Saturday was a 50th/80th birthday party for my dad and grandma; respectively). I spent time with friends and slept on Christie's couch a couple of nights and on T n T's guest bed another night. I drank a lot and spent time with people I love and/or adore and cried a lot and slept very little. I lost 3 pounds.

On Monday, on my way back, I stopped to see my mom and some family members were there. I was told I looked tired and depressed. My mom asked me, "why are you depressed?" I said, "My boyfriend broke up with me, I don't have a job, all my friends live in other towns." She said, "you'll find a job soon." I didn't know how to reply to that, so I muttered, "I know." We went for a pedicure and that was nice until I threw up in the salon bathroom, since all I'd "eaten" that day was juice and that never interacts well with my medicine.

All that to say that when I finally got back to New Orleans, where I thought I was escaping on Friday, I felt better. Driving up the Causeway in 5 o'clock traffic felt relaxing. Walking in to my apartment felt like coming home. I'm still depressed and probably not taking care of myself as I should, but I felt worse in Baton Rouge, surrounded by all those people, than I did alone on my couch. I don't mean to devalue those people, because they didn't cause that breakdown and I think it would have been worse without them. Rather, I think having them help me through it enabled me to come back home and be okay with being alone again, for awhile.

an accounting

Mandi: I got really depressed yesterday and called christie and asked if I could come in
I just feel really fucking out of place
everywhere
and alone
and...yeah
I don't know.
I'm not doing very well
Ravi: i'm sorry. i know it's rough
is there anything i can do?
Mandi: no 
I mean, I know its something I just have to get through
because even being around people is depressing me
everything is fucking depressing me
the idea of getting dressed and going outside is depressing
because I just feel like "what am I accomplishing?"
I keep trying to do things, for the sole purpose of feeling like I'm doing something. and then I start thinking. "I am only doing this so I am not lonely." and it feels lonelier

she had a map/and a straight face/hellbent on reinvention

I'm sitting on the bedroom floor in my new apartment, eating indian eggplant that's making my lips tingle and my nose sniffle. I'm sweaty and tired and sad and happy. This feels right.

ain't no BUSINESS

me: this may be dumb because I've basically already asked it
ann: shoot
me: but, okay, the water...did you have to go down there?
ann: i did
but
they didn't have an online system yet
me: I'm just not sure what exactly I need to do because I don't really have proof of address
ann: so i don't know what the story is
me: besides my lease, I guess
ann: you have your lease
yeah
me: yeah
I'll just bring that
so just do that and be like "turn my waters on bitches?"
ann: yes
it really was easy
you have to wait in a line but it iddn't ake long
bring your checkbook
i think i had to pay a deposit
not much
actualy i don't remember
me: cool

me: I'm looking at the website again
I ended up getting busy last time
so I'm doing that now
ann: it really looks like you just need to show up
me: yup, apply in person
ann: i wish they said when they wer eopen
you could call them
me: I think I will

me: wheeeee
I'm on hold!
ann: haha
me: moving= dumb.
ann: trueeee that

me: they might do it on the phone!
maybe
ann: OOH
yayyyyyyyyyyy
me: i just had to spell our last names 4 times
this lady is SO NICE
ann: hahahahha
me: she's like "ma'am I'ma bout to try to open this over the phone because ain't no business in not having water in august":
truer words never spoken
ann: HAHA
AWESOME
please blog that
me: hahaha will do

we still have a lot left to do

the last movie we watched was raising arizona.
the last place we went was whole foods.
the last party we went to was at josh's.
the last place we went out to eat was louie's.
the last night we will still be in a relationship is tonight.
the last time I cried was 25 minutes ago.
keep going going going.

so why don't you kill me?

As I've alluded to before, I am deeply suspicious and uncomfortable around most "new" people or anyone I am expecting not to like me. I generally approach these people with a kind of false jittery confidence that ends up making me feel like I'm being fake, something I'm sure they see and, subsequently, think I AM fake. Or silly or stupid or just plain unlikable.

I've mostly learned to ignore this around Ravi's friends (though I still experience it and if you're being nice to me, I am both appreciating it and questioning if you feel obligated. I'm sorry. I don't think you're underhanded, group of Ravi's friends!) but lately I've been meeting other people, without that "Ravi's girlfriend" safety barrier and, even though they're nice to me and even seem to want to hang out!!!, I still can't shake that whole, "you're pushing too hard, you sound stupid, these people don't really like you; they're just being nice" thing. This feels like high school all over again. I have no idea how to deal with it.

savings

Yesterday, I sat down and made a list of expenditures and a budget for the next few months. When I finished, I realized I was going to have to wipe out my savings account to cover first month's rent + deposit.

One of my biggest problems with myself is how terrible I am with money. I have trouble planning long-term with my money and I have no system of monitoring it, other than calling and checking my balance here and there. It's something I have made occasional half-hearted efforts to control (keeping a balance, making a budget, etc.) but I inevitably never stick it out. It's one of the reasons I put "Write down all purchases for 1 month and look at where I can cut expenses" on my 101 in 1001 list. I'd like to get in that habit. I have a savings account, but I don't contribute very much to it (about $60 a month) and it doesn't take much to talk myself into taking $50 out here and there. That said, I always like to have at least $200 in there, otherwise it seems like a pointless venture.

The flip side of this is that I hate hate HATE asking anyone for money, especially my parents. I'll sometimes ask Ravi for money here and there, trying to take care to pay him back (even if it's in a haphazard way, like buying him things), but I'll generally just pull it out of savings if I need it. I could have covered all my expenses in the next two weeks (biggies being rent, deposit, car insurance, loan payments), but it would have taken completely draining both my checking and savings accounts. I've known this for a little while, without sitting down and running the numbers. I've had that vague "I-don't-want-to-check-and-see-if-this-is-actually-true" knowledge that either I was going to be flat broke or I was going to have to ask for money. So, I put it off and proceeded to stress out so badly about it that I started averaging 3 and 4 hours of sleep a night, swilling coffee like water, furiously developing every single one of my nervous tics and came to a point where I felt like clawing my own face off and jumping off of the roof (yes, this is the image I keep in my head when I become enormously stressed). Also, on a more vain but also potentially worrying level, I noticed my hair was shedding at an accelerated rate, making me wonder if I was going to have another Summer Of The Great Bald Spot.

So. Yesterday, I sat down and confronted all of it, because ignoring it was making me crazy and seeing all those numbers there, daunting as they were, calmed my mind. There's something about making a list, methodically figuring and crossing off and doing (even in such a non-active way) that puts me at ease. When I finished, I came up with a number, in the very low four-figures, that would allow me to keep some money in checking and not touch my savings account (it's hobbling along as is). A number that is more than I've ever asked anyone, save a lending company, for in my life. Then I texted my mom and said, "I need to talk to ya'll about borrowing some money." She wrote back, "ok, how much?"

When I told her I wanted to pay the money back, we argued a bit. We finally agreed that I would pay back half of the money, starting as soon as I get my next paycheck. While I'm upset that I had to ask for the money at all, I'm so thankful that I have parents who are willing to help me out, who are able to help me out. I also finally slept more than 5 hours last night.

Next step: job.