I'm walking down Carrollton, approaching Spruce and a grizzled man, with one leg, in a wheelchair. He stares at me as I walk up and as I step onto the sidewalk, he glares.
"It's poison."
I take one earbud out. "Excuse me?"
"That's POISON," he hisses, pointing vehemently at my headphones with one hand, taking a drag off a cigarette with the other.
Good things never happen to me at Carrollton and Spruce.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
a favorite
Happiness by Raymond Carver
So early it's still almost dark out.
I'm near the window with coffee,
and the usual early morning stuff
that passes for thought.
When I see the boy and his friend
walking up the road
to deliver the newspaper.
They wear caps and sweaters,
and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
They are so happy
they aren't saying anything, these boys.
I think if they could, they would take
each other's arm.
It's early in the morning,
and they are doing this thing together.
They come on, slowly.
The sky is taking on light,
though the moon still hangs pale over the water.
Such beauty that for a minute
death and ambition, even love,
doesn't enter into this.
Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.
So early it's still almost dark out.
I'm near the window with coffee,
and the usual early morning stuff
that passes for thought.
When I see the boy and his friend
walking up the road
to deliver the newspaper.
They wear caps and sweaters,
and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.
They are so happy
they aren't saying anything, these boys.
I think if they could, they would take
each other's arm.
It's early in the morning,
and they are doing this thing together.
They come on, slowly.
The sky is taking on light,
though the moon still hangs pale over the water.
Such beauty that for a minute
death and ambition, even love,
doesn't enter into this.
Happiness. It comes on
unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,
any early morning talk about it.
he sez, thesezzz
After waiting and waiting and waaaaaiiiitttinnngggg, I finally heard back from the chair of my department that my English classes count toward my MLA degree and that, if I take 2 classes this summer and 1 more in the fall, I can do my thesis in the fall semester. That resulted in the following exchange of emails:
me to professor:
Hi Tom,
I'm following up on the voicemail I just left you, but in case you haven't received it before you read this, I was wondering if you would be interested in being my thesis advisor.
I spoke to Dr. Burger and asked her if it would be okay if I asked you, since you don't teach in the MLA department, but she said it would be fine if you were willing. I don't know what your schedule is like in the Fall, but if you would be willing to advise me, I'd be thrilled, since you're familiar with my work and my research interests.
As you already know, I want to use the theory of performativity in my thesis. More to the point, I'd like to examine performances of gender and sexuality in characters written by Southern female writers (as there is a strong emphasis on a more conservative lifestyle and traditional femininity in the South) and examine how they work within and outside of these constraints and norms. I'm not yet decided on authors I want to use, but I think I'll limit it to three. Dr. Burger is willing to be a panel member and I'm planning on asking either Dr. Horowitz or Dr. Howard to be the third panel member, since I've had classes with both.
Since I just got the news that I could write it today, this is as far as I've gotten (i.e. no proposal yet. I plan to work on that in the next few weeks, after finals). If you are able and willing to advise me, I'll pull something together and try and get it to you by mid-May. If you're not though, I totally understand and I really appreciate all the help you've already given me with this.
Thanks,
Mandi
professor to me:
Hi Mandi,
Congratulations on being approved to write your MA thesis. That’s really exciting! I’m glad you’re going to have an opportunity next year to do a longer, more elaborated research & writing project on your gender & performativity topic.
And thanks for asking me to be your advisor for the thesis. I would certainly consider saying yes, but would have to know more about the amount of work & of time commitment this will require. I don't know anything about the MLA program or its requirements for its MA theses (and for its thesis advisors), so that’s one thing we would need to talk about. I’m also not a specialist in southern literature or American literature, so that’s another consideration.
By when would I need to let you know? I would prefer seeing a proposal before making a definite decision about whether or not I could say yes. And we might want to wait until the end of the semester & the end of the exam, grading, and commencement season before meeting to discuss the thesis & your ideas for it & the possibility of my serving as your advisor.
So what I would say for now is that I will definitely consider doing it, but will want to talk with you & to know more about the project and also about the nature of the commitment I would be making. Does that sound good? Of course I want to help you & support your work & mentor your project. But because of my administrative job in the English department, my time is pretty limited (as you know) & so I would want to make sure that I can make the kind of commitment to your project that it deserves.
So let me know about the timetable for getting a definitive commitment from me & we’ll take it from there. For now, congratulations on getting the clearance to write the thesis, and good luck with finals.
It was fun having dinner with you & Stephen the other night. Warm regards, Tom
me to professor:
Thanks for the quick response!
I understand your concerns about the time constraints and the topic. My understanding is that I would probably need about 4-5 meetings over the course of the semester, as well as time for the defense. I would probably also email you my chapters as they were written, should you agree. Nevertheless, I've emailed Dr. Burger with those questions and asked her if there are specific requirements for MLA thesis advisors.
I am fine with waiting until the semester ends before diving into this. I plan on drawing up a proposal soon and I'll submit that to you at your convenience. Since I wouldn't be defending until the end of the fall semester, I probably don't need to know for certain if you're available until July or so. I'm happy to meet with you when you have some time so we can discuss further. Hopefully by that time, I'll have answers from Dr. Burger. In the meantime, I'm going to finish up my performativity paper!
Thanks again :)
Mandi
So now, whenever I finish up this blasted paper for him, I need to get cracking on writing a thesis proposal. I have two examples from the department, as well as Alyson's so I should be okay on that front. I need to pick out and read my novels. I definitely want to use Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and I'm also thinking of Shirley Ann Grau as a potential author. Alyson suggested I use a woman of color for my third author and I think that's a good idea if I want to explore the performative aspects of race...but I'm not totally certain I want to do that yet. Keeping it in mind though. The topic would definitely work with both those authors.
Cross your fingers that Tom says yessss. I need to bake that man some encouraging cookies. Gender performance at its finest.
me to professor:
Hi Tom,
I'm following up on the voicemail I just left you, but in case you haven't received it before you read this, I was wondering if you would be interested in being my thesis advisor.
I spoke to Dr. Burger and asked her if it would be okay if I asked you, since you don't teach in the MLA department, but she said it would be fine if you were willing. I don't know what your schedule is like in the Fall, but if you would be willing to advise me, I'd be thrilled, since you're familiar with my work and my research interests.
As you already know, I want to use the theory of performativity in my thesis. More to the point, I'd like to examine performances of gender and sexuality in characters written by Southern female writers (as there is a strong emphasis on a more conservative lifestyle and traditional femininity in the South) and examine how they work within and outside of these constraints and norms. I'm not yet decided on authors I want to use, but I think I'll limit it to three. Dr. Burger is willing to be a panel member and I'm planning on asking either Dr. Horowitz or Dr. Howard to be the third panel member, since I've had classes with both.
Since I just got the news that I could write it today, this is as far as I've gotten (i.e. no proposal yet. I plan to work on that in the next few weeks, after finals). If you are able and willing to advise me, I'll pull something together and try and get it to you by mid-May. If you're not though, I totally understand and I really appreciate all the help you've already given me with this.
Thanks,
Mandi
professor to me:
Hi Mandi,
Congratulations on being approved to write your MA thesis. That’s really exciting! I’m glad you’re going to have an opportunity next year to do a longer, more elaborated research & writing project on your gender & performativity topic.
And thanks for asking me to be your advisor for the thesis. I would certainly consider saying yes, but would have to know more about the amount of work & of time commitment this will require. I don't know anything about the MLA program or its requirements for its MA theses (and for its thesis advisors), so that’s one thing we would need to talk about. I’m also not a specialist in southern literature or American literature, so that’s another consideration.
By when would I need to let you know? I would prefer seeing a proposal before making a definite decision about whether or not I could say yes. And we might want to wait until the end of the semester & the end of the exam, grading, and commencement season before meeting to discuss the thesis & your ideas for it & the possibility of my serving as your advisor.
So what I would say for now is that I will definitely consider doing it, but will want to talk with you & to know more about the project and also about the nature of the commitment I would be making. Does that sound good? Of course I want to help you & support your work & mentor your project. But because of my administrative job in the English department, my time is pretty limited (as you know) & so I would want to make sure that I can make the kind of commitment to your project that it deserves.
So let me know about the timetable for getting a definitive commitment from me & we’ll take it from there. For now, congratulations on getting the clearance to write the thesis, and good luck with finals.
It was fun having dinner with you & Stephen the other night. Warm regards, Tom
me to professor:
Thanks for the quick response!
I understand your concerns about the time constraints and the topic. My understanding is that I would probably need about 4-5 meetings over the course of the semester, as well as time for the defense. I would probably also email you my chapters as they were written, should you agree. Nevertheless, I've emailed Dr. Burger with those questions and asked her if there are specific requirements for MLA thesis advisors.
I am fine with waiting until the semester ends before diving into this. I plan on drawing up a proposal soon and I'll submit that to you at your convenience. Since I wouldn't be defending until the end of the fall semester, I probably don't need to know for certain if you're available until July or so. I'm happy to meet with you when you have some time so we can discuss further. Hopefully by that time, I'll have answers from Dr. Burger. In the meantime, I'm going to finish up my performativity paper!
Thanks again :)
Mandi
So now, whenever I finish up this blasted paper for him, I need to get cracking on writing a thesis proposal. I have two examples from the department, as well as Alyson's so I should be okay on that front. I need to pick out and read my novels. I definitely want to use Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina and I'm also thinking of Shirley Ann Grau as a potential author. Alyson suggested I use a woman of color for my third author and I think that's a good idea if I want to explore the performative aspects of race...but I'm not totally certain I want to do that yet. Keeping it in mind though. The topic would definitely work with both those authors.
Cross your fingers that Tom says yessss. I need to bake that man some encouraging cookies. Gender performance at its finest.
Monday, May 2, 2011
run like hell
On Saturday night, I ran into my abusive ex.
Blair and I were eating at Louie's around 2:30am. We'd just finished up and I was explaining to him how I knew the girl who had just said hello to me, the one who was now sitting by us at the bar. As I was talking, the door behind us opened and he (let's call him A for Abuser) walked in. And sat next to me. And started talking across me to the girl I knew.
I ddin't really register what he was saying. My words started to run together as I tried to explain what was happening to Blair. I think I said something along the lines of, "and we used to go to church together *glance up* oh my god oh my god that guy that just walked in is my abusive, horrible ex, oh god he is sitting next to me." Blair, for his part, handled things wonderfully. He didn't try to question me or soothe me. Instead, he said, "go. go to the car right now. I'll take care of the check." I grabbed my things and walked out as quickly as possible, trying not to make a scene. As soon as I was out in the parking lot, I ran to the car and hid behind it. And shook.
Honestly, I was surprised at my reaction. The thing is, I've seen him since the breakup. I even talked to him casually for awhile after it happened. It took therapy to realize how much he'd fucked me up. It took being in an equal and respectful partnership with Ravi to realize how horrible that relationship had been. It took reading A's blog to realize what an awful and sick person he was. We've communicated twice in about 3 years, one time being this (about 2 years ago):
I was reading though my friends list today and came across your post titled, "Hmmm, so THAT'S how it's done! (according to the experts)." After I read it, all I felt was disgust. I thought about commenting but I figured its probably not worth doing. I just don't understand how its "humor," to quote your tag on the post, to compare torture to sex.
But the thing is, I realize I feel disgust or anger a lot when I read your posts. Part of it comes from an inherent disagreement with a lot of your content, part of it stems from my own feelings about you in general, specifically knowing what I knew of you. People change, of course, but those feelings are deeply imprinted and many of the things you write on your journal only serve to reinforce them. That's not to say that I think you are an inherently "bad" person (ed. note: this has since changed and I think it wasn't even something I believed at the time), just that I have many fundamental disagreements with your stances and how you have chosen to conduct yourself in the past.
That said, you are who you are and, of course, many people like you just the way you are. I don't feel that publicly tearing you down is beneficial for either one of us, even though I think some of the things you write, such as the aforementioned post, are worthy of it. Also, more than that, I'm just tired of feeling disgusted and angry. I also feel that someone that I have those kinds of feelings towards probably isn't someone I want reading the more personal details of my friends-only entries, which are becoming increasingly more common. I just don't think we're really "friends" anymore, despite our very occasional conversations. I don't feel like we really know each other anymore.
So, I think the best option is to remove you from my friends' list. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to enjoy your life, as I am enjoying mine. Feel free to continue reading my public entries if you wish, though I certainly wouldn't blame you if you removed me from your friends' list as well.
I'm struck now by how polite I tried to be to him. Like years of being told I didn't matter, that I was "neurotic," that I didn't count, years of being thrown against walls, of being slapped, pushed down stairs, humiliated, screamed at...years of that and I still tried to be polite to him. After awhile, as my relationship with Ravi continued to grow, as I slowly built my psyche and self-esteem back up and learned to push parasitic and cruel people out of my life, my disgust and anger at him grew. It cemeted itself into this firm little area of my brain that I try not to access too much because the rage there is too much to deal with at times. What I didn't realize was how much fear and anxiety I still held there. That's what came out Saturday night, not a fear of him physically hurting me but a fear of being spoken to, of having to confront someone who did that much damage to me. A brief and sharp reliving of all that pain. It was like I had tunnel vision when he entered...I sort of remember seeing Blair's face, but the periphreal went black and things started to spin. All I could think of was "run."
I shook, hiding behind the car with my knees pulled to my chest, until Blair came out and held me, told me I was safe and that A couldn't hurt me. Even then, I was scanning the parking lot, terrified he would walk out, that he would speak to me and cut me down with some pithy, shitty remark. And I hated myself for letting him still control me that way, for having the ability to drive me out of a public place for fear that he would hurt me again.
Later that day, my sweet younger cousin called me about a very brief but shitty fling she had with some dude. The dude came over and my grandma chased him off, yelling at him to "get! get out!" J and I laughed about it but I told her, "That guy is going to get sober tomorrow and he's going to call you. Don't answer. Don't listen to his bullshit. You deserve better than that." It's something I need to keep reminding myself of. Even when horrible people come around, I too have people who love me, who will defend me and chase those people off. Who will help me remember that I don't have to listen to that bullshit.
Blair and I were eating at Louie's around 2:30am. We'd just finished up and I was explaining to him how I knew the girl who had just said hello to me, the one who was now sitting by us at the bar. As I was talking, the door behind us opened and he (let's call him A for Abuser) walked in. And sat next to me. And started talking across me to the girl I knew.
I ddin't really register what he was saying. My words started to run together as I tried to explain what was happening to Blair. I think I said something along the lines of, "and we used to go to church together *glance up* oh my god oh my god that guy that just walked in is my abusive, horrible ex, oh god he is sitting next to me." Blair, for his part, handled things wonderfully. He didn't try to question me or soothe me. Instead, he said, "go. go to the car right now. I'll take care of the check." I grabbed my things and walked out as quickly as possible, trying not to make a scene. As soon as I was out in the parking lot, I ran to the car and hid behind it. And shook.
Honestly, I was surprised at my reaction. The thing is, I've seen him since the breakup. I even talked to him casually for awhile after it happened. It took therapy to realize how much he'd fucked me up. It took being in an equal and respectful partnership with Ravi to realize how horrible that relationship had been. It took reading A's blog to realize what an awful and sick person he was. We've communicated twice in about 3 years, one time being this (about 2 years ago):
I was reading though my friends list today and came across your post titled, "Hmmm, so THAT'S how it's done! (according to the experts)." After I read it, all I felt was disgust. I thought about commenting but I figured its probably not worth doing. I just don't understand how its "humor," to quote your tag on the post, to compare torture to sex.
But the thing is, I realize I feel disgust or anger a lot when I read your posts. Part of it comes from an inherent disagreement with a lot of your content, part of it stems from my own feelings about you in general, specifically knowing what I knew of you. People change, of course, but those feelings are deeply imprinted and many of the things you write on your journal only serve to reinforce them. That's not to say that I think you are an inherently "bad" person (ed. note: this has since changed and I think it wasn't even something I believed at the time), just that I have many fundamental disagreements with your stances and how you have chosen to conduct yourself in the past.
That said, you are who you are and, of course, many people like you just the way you are. I don't feel that publicly tearing you down is beneficial for either one of us, even though I think some of the things you write, such as the aforementioned post, are worthy of it. Also, more than that, I'm just tired of feeling disgusted and angry. I also feel that someone that I have those kinds of feelings towards probably isn't someone I want reading the more personal details of my friends-only entries, which are becoming increasingly more common. I just don't think we're really "friends" anymore, despite our very occasional conversations. I don't feel like we really know each other anymore.
So, I think the best option is to remove you from my friends' list. I wish you no ill will and hope that you continue to enjoy your life, as I am enjoying mine. Feel free to continue reading my public entries if you wish, though I certainly wouldn't blame you if you removed me from your friends' list as well.
I'm struck now by how polite I tried to be to him. Like years of being told I didn't matter, that I was "neurotic," that I didn't count, years of being thrown against walls, of being slapped, pushed down stairs, humiliated, screamed at...years of that and I still tried to be polite to him. After awhile, as my relationship with Ravi continued to grow, as I slowly built my psyche and self-esteem back up and learned to push parasitic and cruel people out of my life, my disgust and anger at him grew. It cemeted itself into this firm little area of my brain that I try not to access too much because the rage there is too much to deal with at times. What I didn't realize was how much fear and anxiety I still held there. That's what came out Saturday night, not a fear of him physically hurting me but a fear of being spoken to, of having to confront someone who did that much damage to me. A brief and sharp reliving of all that pain. It was like I had tunnel vision when he entered...I sort of remember seeing Blair's face, but the periphreal went black and things started to spin. All I could think of was "run."
I shook, hiding behind the car with my knees pulled to my chest, until Blair came out and held me, told me I was safe and that A couldn't hurt me. Even then, I was scanning the parking lot, terrified he would walk out, that he would speak to me and cut me down with some pithy, shitty remark. And I hated myself for letting him still control me that way, for having the ability to drive me out of a public place for fear that he would hurt me again.
Later that day, my sweet younger cousin called me about a very brief but shitty fling she had with some dude. The dude came over and my grandma chased him off, yelling at him to "get! get out!" J and I laughed about it but I told her, "That guy is going to get sober tomorrow and he's going to call you. Don't answer. Don't listen to his bullshit. You deserve better than that." It's something I need to keep reminding myself of. Even when horrible people come around, I too have people who love me, who will defend me and chase those people off. Who will help me remember that I don't have to listen to that bullshit.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
tedium
I'm gearing up for my semesterly stomachache of death. I can feel the coffee churning.
Things to do in the next couple of months, in no particular order:
-Finish all necessary reading for 30 page paper
-Write 30 page paper
-Write last Ethics paper (note: pick topic?
-Festival International
-Plant tomato, bell pepper and herb seeds
-Apply to take general and subject GRE's
-Compile Ph.D program info
-Compile law school program info, particularly info about public sector
-Look into scholarship opportunities
-Sign up for Hollygrove volunteer spots
-Look into volunteer opportunities withSTAIR and ARF
-Look at other non-profit volunteer stuff
-Buy books for summer religion class
-Buy replacement mesh filter for French press
-Join apartment gardening forum
-Call dean back to ask about doing thesis in the Fall
-Buy tupperware containers
-Buy new earbuds
-Look into potential writing gigs
-Write GoodNola article on food co-op
-Take a pregnancy test to prove to Alyson that I'm not pregnant ;)
-Put pictures on external HD
-Redownload Skype so I can talk to Blair while he's in France
-Upload all financial info to Mint.com and plot budget
-Draw up meal plan, grocery list, and weight loss goals
-Meet with tattoo person about potential new tattoo
-Visit Gym Matrix to look around, inquire about signing up
-Buy Columbus plane ticket for Mike and Jarod's wedding
gah.
4/28 edit- I obviously have no problem browsing Amazon and spending money when I feel like procrastinating!
Things to do in the next couple of months, in no particular order:
-
-
-
-
-Plant tomato, bell pepper and herb seeds
-Apply to take general and subject GRE's
-Compile Ph.D program info
-Compile law school program info, particularly info about public sector
-Look into scholarship opportunities
-
-Look into volunteer opportunities with
-Look at other non-profit volunteer stuff
-
-
-Join apartment gardening forum
-
-
-
-Look into potential writing gigs
-Write GoodNola article on food co-op
-Take a pregnancy test to prove to Alyson that I'm not pregnant ;)
-Put pictures on external HD
-Redownload Skype so I can talk to Blair while he's in France
-Upload all financial info to Mint.com and plot budget
-Draw up meal plan, grocery list, and weight loss goals
-Meet with tattoo person about potential new tattoo
-Visit Gym Matrix to look around, inquire about signing up
-Buy Columbus plane ticket for Mike and Jarod's wedding
gah.
4/28 edit- I obviously have no problem browsing Amazon and spending money when I feel like procrastinating!
Monday, April 25, 2011
crash
A friend of mine once said: " Every now and then, a wonderful person comes along that makes you break all your rules."
Which is why I'm now dating a former English major (former because he got that degree and is getting one in French now) who lives in Baton Rouge.
Ain't it sweet?
Which is why I'm now dating a former English major (former because he got that degree and is getting one in French now) who lives in Baton Rouge.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
wreck yo'self
I've been meaning to write about this whole incident where I got hit by a car, but life got in the way. So this is a little delayed, but I wanted to get it down for posterity.
On the 31st, I was studying at Z'otz. I left around 11:30 and began biking home down Carrollton. I was in the bike lane, approaching Spruce St., when I registered the car.
I don't quite remember exactly how this happened but I remember seeing the car in my periphery, realizing they were turning right. Braking as hard as I could and thinking "I am going to get hit" while simultaneously thinking "it's okay, it's okay." I remember the back end of the car slamming into my front tire and I vaguely remember thinking I would just fall over, even as I went soaring over the handlebars.
My face and shoulder hit the street first and there was this feeling of sick dizziness as I realized I was conscious but that something was very wrong. I looked up and saw the car driving off. Then I spat out a chunk of my front tooth. Two guys that had seen the whole thing ran over and one of them picked me up off the ground. He kept asking me if I was okay while running around frantically...propping my bike up on its kickstand, retrieving my shoe that had flown off in the road and putting it back on my foot, yelling about how those people drove off and they must have been drunk. His friend stood by quietly and asked if he should call 911.
At this point, my brain kicked into what I refer to as "crisis reason mode," wherein I start thinking in this very detached, "logical" way. I realized I probably wasn't concussed and nothing felt broken (except my tooth). I told them not to call the police because it wasn't going to do any good without a license plate number. I kept repeating, "My tooth. My tooth broke. It's really fucked up." The frantic guy made me show him and then assured me I looked "beautiful" and "gorgeous." They told me their names and I nodded and said I was just going to walk home, that it was only 2 blocks. I never cried, which I remember thinking was strange. I felt like the whole thing had happened to someone else. I called my mom a few times but no one answered. Then Blair called and I told him what had happened. He wanted to drive out to New Orleans but I told him I was fine. I talked to Erin online a bit, then started to undress.
I'd almost worn a sundress that day but the air had chilled a bit, so I wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt instead. Even with that, I had skinned my knee, shoulder and foot pretty badly, as well as road rash on my forearms. My face had begun to swell up. While I looked at all this, I began shaking and slowly realized I was probably in shock. Blair called back around this time and I calmly told him I thought I was in shock. At that point, he insisted on coming to New Orleans and I stopped arguing with him, because I was starting to feel really fucked up.
I took a shower and called the police, finally, only to be told what I already knew: that nothing could be done, that the cameras on Carrollton were disabled, that without a license plate number there was no hope. The cop was nice about it. Blair showed up and and hugged me before taking me to Walgreens to get soup and Orajel and some sort of protective cap to cover the exposed nerve in my front tooth. As we walked in, I started laughing and turned to him. "You know, people are going to think you beat the shit out of me." I was right; the cashier looked so angry when Blair was checking out that he could only glare at his register between sneaking horrified glances at me.
Back at home, I mustered a few sips of broth before giving up because of my tooth. Blair and stood in my bathroom while he tried to make the gum to cover my tooth malleable enough to apply. We thought we got it at some point, but when I put it on, it just fell off. Our laughing at how ridiculous it looked probably didn't help. I gave up, took some Ibprofun and squirted a ton of Orajel in my mouth before finally going to bed around 4am.
We got up around 8:30 so I could start trying to find a dentist to fix my tooth. I called my mom and told her what happened. Telling your mother "I got hit by a car" is a pretty difficult thing to do, especially when your mom is as emotional as mine is. I finally convinced her I was okay, no I wasn't wearing a helmet, stop YELLING, I KNOW. Once she calmed down, she called her endodontist and got me an appointment that morning for a root canal and a build up to cover the tooth. The next day, she bought me a helmet. She would have gotten me a full body flashing protective suit if she could have.
Overall, damages were a broken front tooth, facial abrasions, skinned knee, shoulder, foot, and arms, bruised cheekbone, ribs and kneecap (which is still bothering me :/). I'm very lucky, because it could have easily been a head injury. I'm pretty grateful for the kindness of those dudes who helped me, for all the concerned messages, texts and calls I got, for Blair being amazing enough to take off of work to come play nursemaid to my stubborn self and, mostly, that I'm still alive and okay.
About an hour post-accident. Pre-swelling and before the abrasions really started to show up.
Friday, after temp. tooth placement and swelling setting in. Kind of hard to tell here but the abrasions looked quite a bit nastier in person (though have since healed completely!) and the act of "smiling" here and trying to open my left eye all the way were pretty godawful. This was in my mom's car, on the way to get a helmet :)
On the 31st, I was studying at Z'otz. I left around 11:30 and began biking home down Carrollton. I was in the bike lane, approaching Spruce St., when I registered the car.
I don't quite remember exactly how this happened but I remember seeing the car in my periphery, realizing they were turning right. Braking as hard as I could and thinking "I am going to get hit" while simultaneously thinking "it's okay, it's okay." I remember the back end of the car slamming into my front tire and I vaguely remember thinking I would just fall over, even as I went soaring over the handlebars.
My face and shoulder hit the street first and there was this feeling of sick dizziness as I realized I was conscious but that something was very wrong. I looked up and saw the car driving off. Then I spat out a chunk of my front tooth. Two guys that had seen the whole thing ran over and one of them picked me up off the ground. He kept asking me if I was okay while running around frantically...propping my bike up on its kickstand, retrieving my shoe that had flown off in the road and putting it back on my foot, yelling about how those people drove off and they must have been drunk. His friend stood by quietly and asked if he should call 911.
At this point, my brain kicked into what I refer to as "crisis reason mode," wherein I start thinking in this very detached, "logical" way. I realized I probably wasn't concussed and nothing felt broken (except my tooth). I told them not to call the police because it wasn't going to do any good without a license plate number. I kept repeating, "My tooth. My tooth broke. It's really fucked up." The frantic guy made me show him and then assured me I looked "beautiful" and "gorgeous." They told me their names and I nodded and said I was just going to walk home, that it was only 2 blocks. I never cried, which I remember thinking was strange. I felt like the whole thing had happened to someone else. I called my mom a few times but no one answered. Then Blair called and I told him what had happened. He wanted to drive out to New Orleans but I told him I was fine. I talked to Erin online a bit, then started to undress.
I'd almost worn a sundress that day but the air had chilled a bit, so I wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt instead. Even with that, I had skinned my knee, shoulder and foot pretty badly, as well as road rash on my forearms. My face had begun to swell up. While I looked at all this, I began shaking and slowly realized I was probably in shock. Blair called back around this time and I calmly told him I thought I was in shock. At that point, he insisted on coming to New Orleans and I stopped arguing with him, because I was starting to feel really fucked up.
I took a shower and called the police, finally, only to be told what I already knew: that nothing could be done, that the cameras on Carrollton were disabled, that without a license plate number there was no hope. The cop was nice about it. Blair showed up and and hugged me before taking me to Walgreens to get soup and Orajel and some sort of protective cap to cover the exposed nerve in my front tooth. As we walked in, I started laughing and turned to him. "You know, people are going to think you beat the shit out of me." I was right; the cashier looked so angry when Blair was checking out that he could only glare at his register between sneaking horrified glances at me.
Back at home, I mustered a few sips of broth before giving up because of my tooth. Blair and stood in my bathroom while he tried to make the gum to cover my tooth malleable enough to apply. We thought we got it at some point, but when I put it on, it just fell off. Our laughing at how ridiculous it looked probably didn't help. I gave up, took some Ibprofun and squirted a ton of Orajel in my mouth before finally going to bed around 4am.
We got up around 8:30 so I could start trying to find a dentist to fix my tooth. I called my mom and told her what happened. Telling your mother "I got hit by a car" is a pretty difficult thing to do, especially when your mom is as emotional as mine is. I finally convinced her I was okay, no I wasn't wearing a helmet, stop YELLING, I KNOW. Once she calmed down, she called her endodontist and got me an appointment that morning for a root canal and a build up to cover the tooth. The next day, she bought me a helmet. She would have gotten me a full body flashing protective suit if she could have.
Overall, damages were a broken front tooth, facial abrasions, skinned knee, shoulder, foot, and arms, bruised cheekbone, ribs and kneecap (which is still bothering me :/). I'm very lucky, because it could have easily been a head injury. I'm pretty grateful for the kindness of those dudes who helped me, for all the concerned messages, texts and calls I got, for Blair being amazing enough to take off of work to come play nursemaid to my stubborn self and, mostly, that I'm still alive and okay.
About an hour post-accident. Pre-swelling and before the abrasions really started to show up.
Friday, after temp. tooth placement and swelling setting in. Kind of hard to tell here but the abrasions looked quite a bit nastier in person (though have since healed completely!) and the act of "smiling" here and trying to open my left eye all the way were pretty godawful. This was in my mom's car, on the way to get a helmet :)
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