Today marks one month that Ravi and I broke up. A month ago, I stood in my grandma's driveway and hugged Ravi goodbye. We both cried and promised to always be there for each other and said "I love you." He came back 2 days later to help me move but, there we were. Single.
The day after the breakup happened to be August 4--what would have been our 3 year anniversary. Ravi sent me flowers at work, with the following card:
Thank you for making the last 3 years so wonderful! I've tried my best to remain stoic to make the last couple of weeks more bearable, but it's been really hard to hold it together. I love you and will miss you more than I can explain. I feel like I'm leaving a part of me behind. I hope no matter what that we will always have a close friend in each other. Please come visit.
Love always,
Ravi
I almost went to visit him this weekend, but we agreed it was still too soon. I hadn't even thought about the date significance. I'm glad I didn't go just yet. It would have been heartwrenching.
I guess this is the part where I say this has been the hardest month of my life or something, but it hasn't. It's not even been the saddest (though really it's only second to some very significant deaths). This breakup has been very strange for me, in that I'm not reacting to it in a way I'm familiar with. I'm not down in the pits of despair, fantasizing about suicide or running away (though the thought of never having existed occasionally flits across my mind). I'm sad, but I've only had about a week or so of that kind of desperate I-will-never-feel-good-again sadness. I feel guilty about it in a way, like I should feel so much worse about this breakup. But I realize that I'm just sad in a different way, what I think is a healthier way.
But I'm still sad. And I miss my companion. And a huge part of me wishes that I was in Austin right now. So I'm cooking and listening to music and doing what I can to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
15 albums
There's a meme on Facebook right now, asking people to list the "fifteen albums you've heard that will always stick with you." I thought I'd post my own list here for posterity, with some notes
This is the list I posted to FB:
1) Ani DiFranco- To The Teeth-I first heard this album when I was 15. I had downloaded "Pixie" on a late night Napster binge, drawn to it because "Pixie" was my nickname at the time. I listened to that song for HOURS. Later that same week, I was in Wal-Mart with my mom and saw "To the Teeth" (the irony of that kills me now. I realize now that the album must have just been released and Wal-Mart might have had a few copies before realizing the content/language. I used to love picking up unedited CDs at Wal-Mart). Of course I had to have it and the album has resonated with me in different ways for the last 10 years and I always find myself listening to it at transitional times in my life (break ups, new relationships, moving, graduating high school and college, etc.).
2) Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness--The soundtrack of my teenage years. I was obsessed with the Pumpkins. I used to have a tradition of playing this CD every time I got a new car (I'll have to tell the story of my high school cars one day...it's nothing pretty).
3) Janis Joplin- Pearl- One of the first vinyls I ever bought. I've listened to and loved Janis since I was in the womb.
4) Bessie Smith- Nobody's Blues But Mine- The first album I bought at LA Music Factory in NOLA. In my first semester of college, I took a theater class that required us to see 3 plays at LSU. One of these was Ma Rainey's Black Bottom and I did some research on the title character. I went to LA Music Factory wanting to but a Ma Rainey record but either they didn't have one or it was out of my price range. I had heard a few Bessie Smith songs before and remembered that she was influenced by Rainey, so I bought this record. During this time, I was seeing a therapist and I moved out of my parents house for the second time and got out of a detrimental relationship. The first night I moved in, I put this record on and turned off all the lights and sang myself to sleep.
5) Feist- Monarch- This album is chock full of great breakup and love songs. I listened to it a lot when I first thought Ravi and I were breaking up, which also happened to be in the middle of my senior finals. It's been on constant rotation ever since.
6) Simon and Garfunkel- The Essential Simon and Garfunkel- Someone said that using compilations wasn't true to the spirit of the exercise, but I actually own this (double) album and its the one that sticks with me, so I think it's acceptable. I don't really have a backstory for this. It's just a set of some really great music. I will say that sometimes, when listening to S&G, I remember a passage from one of the BSC books (R.I.P. my set of these--THANKS MOM.), one of the Dawn books, when Dawn notes that she knows her mom is depressed because she's listening to Simon and Garfunkel.
7) Stevie Ray Vaughn- Texas Flood- I seem to have a thing for second-wave blues. This album reminds me of my parents especially my mom, who LOVES SRV. She and I used to dance around to this, especially the song "Pride and Joy."
8) Broken Social Scene- Broken Social Scene- Ravi introduced me to BSS and, in a way, this album reminds me of him. But, it's also a stand alone fantastic album. In the heat of senior finals, when I was typing two twenty page papers, living off of coffee and Taco Bell and sleeping on the floor of the Delta office, I used to put "Windsurfing Nation" on repeat and type as fast as I could.
9) Radiohead- OK Computer- This is almost cliche, it's on so many lists. But that doesn't negate how fantastic this album is.
10) Decemberists- Castaways and Cutouts- I know "Picaresque" is the popular favorite, but there are just more songs that I like on C & C (music factory). This album reminds me of Winter 2007, being sad, spending lots of time with Nancy and Devon.
11) Fiona Apple- Tidal- Poetic teenage angst. I used to scrawl Fiona lyrics in my journals, especially around the beginning of college.
12) Tori Amos- Tales of a Librarian- Reminds me of post-Katrina, being discouraged but also meeting and loving a ton of new people, singing "Cornflake Girl" with Christie and Josh.
13) Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill- I was obsessed with this album when it first came out, especially "Everything is Everything" (which I still love to listen to for an uplift.) I still think it's Lauryn Hill's best work and better than The Fugees The Score. Plus, lots of run to sing/rap along with.
14) Jeff Buckley- Grace- I tend to think this one is self-explanatory, though I haven't seen it on anyone's list. I've always flirted with this album, especially "Hallelujah" but it too went into heavy rotation around breakup time. This album always provides a certain very strong memory for me...it snowed the morning of my French final, my very last undergraduate final, and I was running on 1.5 hours of sleep (after finally finishing those 20-pagers). I had "Last Goodbye" on my iPod and as I crossed the street to enter Francioni Hall, it came to the bridge of the song ("did you say/'no, this can't happen to me...'"). I felt like running, like flying. Since then, I always feel a rush of adrenaline when I listen to that part of the song and it brings me right back to that sleep deprived, freezing, exhilarating moment.
15) Red Hot Chili Peppers- Californication- I almost didn't put this because I thought I'd get laughed at, but you know, fuck it. I love this album, have loved it since it came out and it holds a crazy amount of memories for me. And, frankly, I loved a lot of the mainstream music between 1996 and 1999.
Honorable mentions:
Arcade Fire- Funeral
Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream
Madonna- The Immaculate Collection (my first CD!)
Ani DiFranco- Not a Pretty Girl
Tori Amos- Little Earthquakes
Beatles- Abbey Road
TLC- Crazysexycool
Rolling Stones- Sticky Fingers
Nirvana- Nevermind
Pearl Jam- Ten
Alice in Chains- Dirt
Everclear- So Much For the Afterglow (look I KNOW. But this album addressed that crazy depression I felt in my teenage years and it resonated with me. And sometimes I still listen to it and sing/scream along. It's like pop music cut with glass.)
This is the list I posted to FB:
1) Ani DiFranco- To The Teeth-I first heard this album when I was 15. I had downloaded "Pixie" on a late night Napster binge, drawn to it because "Pixie" was my nickname at the time. I listened to that song for HOURS. Later that same week, I was in Wal-Mart with my mom and saw "To the Teeth" (the irony of that kills me now. I realize now that the album must have just been released and Wal-Mart might have had a few copies before realizing the content/language. I used to love picking up unedited CDs at Wal-Mart). Of course I had to have it and the album has resonated with me in different ways for the last 10 years and I always find myself listening to it at transitional times in my life (break ups, new relationships, moving, graduating high school and college, etc.).
2) Smashing Pumpkins- Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness--The soundtrack of my teenage years. I was obsessed with the Pumpkins. I used to have a tradition of playing this CD every time I got a new car (I'll have to tell the story of my high school cars one day...it's nothing pretty).
3) Janis Joplin- Pearl- One of the first vinyls I ever bought. I've listened to and loved Janis since I was in the womb.
4) Bessie Smith- Nobody's Blues But Mine- The first album I bought at LA Music Factory in NOLA. In my first semester of college, I took a theater class that required us to see 3 plays at LSU. One of these was Ma Rainey's Black Bottom and I did some research on the title character. I went to LA Music Factory wanting to but a Ma Rainey record but either they didn't have one or it was out of my price range. I had heard a few Bessie Smith songs before and remembered that she was influenced by Rainey, so I bought this record. During this time, I was seeing a therapist and I moved out of my parents house for the second time and got out of a detrimental relationship. The first night I moved in, I put this record on and turned off all the lights and sang myself to sleep.
5) Feist- Monarch- This album is chock full of great breakup and love songs. I listened to it a lot when I first thought Ravi and I were breaking up, which also happened to be in the middle of my senior finals. It's been on constant rotation ever since.
6) Simon and Garfunkel- The Essential Simon and Garfunkel- Someone said that using compilations wasn't true to the spirit of the exercise, but I actually own this (double) album and its the one that sticks with me, so I think it's acceptable. I don't really have a backstory for this. It's just a set of some really great music. I will say that sometimes, when listening to S&G, I remember a passage from one of the BSC books (R.I.P. my set of these--THANKS MOM.), one of the Dawn books, when Dawn notes that she knows her mom is depressed because she's listening to Simon and Garfunkel.
7) Stevie Ray Vaughn- Texas Flood- I seem to have a thing for second-wave blues. This album reminds me of my parents especially my mom, who LOVES SRV. She and I used to dance around to this, especially the song "Pride and Joy."
8) Broken Social Scene- Broken Social Scene- Ravi introduced me to BSS and, in a way, this album reminds me of him. But, it's also a stand alone fantastic album. In the heat of senior finals, when I was typing two twenty page papers, living off of coffee and Taco Bell and sleeping on the floor of the Delta office, I used to put "Windsurfing Nation" on repeat and type as fast as I could.
9) Radiohead- OK Computer- This is almost cliche, it's on so many lists. But that doesn't negate how fantastic this album is.
10) Decemberists- Castaways and Cutouts- I know "Picaresque" is the popular favorite, but there are just more songs that I like on C & C (music factory). This album reminds me of Winter 2007, being sad, spending lots of time with Nancy and Devon.
11) Fiona Apple- Tidal- Poetic teenage angst. I used to scrawl Fiona lyrics in my journals, especially around the beginning of college.
12) Tori Amos- Tales of a Librarian- Reminds me of post-Katrina, being discouraged but also meeting and loving a ton of new people, singing "Cornflake Girl" with Christie and Josh.
13) Lauryn Hill- The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill- I was obsessed with this album when it first came out, especially "Everything is Everything" (which I still love to listen to for an uplift.) I still think it's Lauryn Hill's best work and better than The Fugees The Score. Plus, lots of run to sing/rap along with.
14) Jeff Buckley- Grace- I tend to think this one is self-explanatory, though I haven't seen it on anyone's list. I've always flirted with this album, especially "Hallelujah" but it too went into heavy rotation around breakup time. This album always provides a certain very strong memory for me...it snowed the morning of my French final, my very last undergraduate final, and I was running on 1.5 hours of sleep (after finally finishing those 20-pagers). I had "Last Goodbye" on my iPod and as I crossed the street to enter Francioni Hall, it came to the bridge of the song ("did you say/'no, this can't happen to me...'"). I felt like running, like flying. Since then, I always feel a rush of adrenaline when I listen to that part of the song and it brings me right back to that sleep deprived, freezing, exhilarating moment.
15) Red Hot Chili Peppers- Californication- I almost didn't put this because I thought I'd get laughed at, but you know, fuck it. I love this album, have loved it since it came out and it holds a crazy amount of memories for me. And, frankly, I loved a lot of the mainstream music between 1996 and 1999.
Honorable mentions:
Arcade Fire- Funeral
Smashing Pumpkins- Siamese Dream
Madonna- The Immaculate Collection (my first CD!)
Ani DiFranco- Not a Pretty Girl
Tori Amos- Little Earthquakes
Beatles- Abbey Road
TLC- Crazysexycool
Rolling Stones- Sticky Fingers
Nirvana- Nevermind
Pearl Jam- Ten
Alice in Chains- Dirt
Everclear- So Much For the Afterglow (look I KNOW. But this album addressed that crazy depression I felt in my teenage years and it resonated with me. And sometimes I still listen to it and sing/scream along. It's like pop music cut with glass.)
101 in 1001-August addendum
23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
H- How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) (August 2010) (this was a really cute movie! Kind of predictable in that way a lot of movies from that era can be but still had a lot of good laughs in it and some great actors)
24) Learn 1 new word a week and use it.
Encomium- a speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly. (I think I knew this word once, back in Greek class, but since I had to look it up and I've used it lots since, I will include it as my word of the week.)
EDIT- On the official list, this is going as "Sept. wk 1" b/c this week was more Sept. and less Aug.
55) Cook 10 challenging dishes from celebrated chefs.
1) I cooked Devil's Chicken Thighs over Braised Leeks from Suzanne Goin's Sunday Suppers at Lucques for Ann on Monday night as a small token of gratitude for how immensely helpful she's been, re: living in New Orleans (if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have my lovely little apartment!)
This dish was challenging in that there were A LOT of steps. Luckily I cooked the leeks around 2:30, so I had a little time to rest (and bake a quick chocolate loaf cake) before Ann came over. I was especially thrilled with the chicken, as this is only the second time I've cooked chicken in almost 4 years and the first time, it came out a little on the dry side. This came out really well though, if I do say so, and I've been munching on the leftovers ever since (especially those leeks, which I need in my life at least once a month. Though I noticed that after eating them Monday night and again, Tuesday afternoon, I got a very bad headache. I've heard of people getting migraines related to raw alliums, but this was only a bad headache and they were cooked. Hopefully unrelated!).
I'm also reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (which I never finished the first time I started it about 12 years ago) and I'm about to start reading either Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil or Revolutionary Road.
Full list here
H- How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) (August 2010) (this was a really cute movie! Kind of predictable in that way a lot of movies from that era can be but still had a lot of good laughs in it and some great actors)
24) Learn 1 new word a week and use it.
Encomium- a speech or piece of writing that praises someone or something highly. (I think I knew this word once, back in Greek class, but since I had to look it up and I've used it lots since, I will include it as my word of the week.)
EDIT- On the official list, this is going as "Sept. wk 1" b/c this week was more Sept. and less Aug.
55) Cook 10 challenging dishes from celebrated chefs.
1) I cooked Devil's Chicken Thighs over Braised Leeks from Suzanne Goin's Sunday Suppers at Lucques for Ann on Monday night as a small token of gratitude for how immensely helpful she's been, re: living in New Orleans (if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have my lovely little apartment!)
This dish was challenging in that there were A LOT of steps. Luckily I cooked the leeks around 2:30, so I had a little time to rest (and bake a quick chocolate loaf cake) before Ann came over. I was especially thrilled with the chicken, as this is only the second time I've cooked chicken in almost 4 years and the first time, it came out a little on the dry side. This came out really well though, if I do say so, and I've been munching on the leftovers ever since (especially those leeks, which I need in my life at least once a month. Though I noticed that after eating them Monday night and again, Tuesday afternoon, I got a very bad headache. I've heard of people getting migraines related to raw alliums, but this was only a bad headache and they were cooked. Hopefully unrelated!).
I'm also reading The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (which I never finished the first time I started it about 12 years ago) and I'm about to start reading either Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil or Revolutionary Road.
Full list here
Monday, August 30, 2010
self sight
If you keep digging and digging, eventually you'll hit upon some little nugget of truth about yourself.
Ravi: how do you feel like i would forget you?
you're honestly the 1 person i talk to the most
Mandi: oh I guess I don't mean forget
but I will become less important to you over time
and part of that happening is establishing new relationships with people
a life that I'm not a part of
I don't say that bitterly
but it'll happen
and I think that's what I'm having trouble letting go of
the relationship, I've come to terms with a long time ago
but losing you in general, not being a part of your everyday life
that's quite another thing
and made all the harder because I don't have anything new yet
I have much more trouble meeting people and building new things
Ravii: but you put forth much less effort in doing so
i'm not criticizing you, just stating
Mandi: i put less effort into it because it makes me anxious
I'm not good at it
Ravi: i used to be the same way
probably worse
Mandi: but yet, you're not now
Ravi: and it still affects me now to a certain extent
you just have to work at it i guess
Mandi: but I have no idea how to
and, honestly, I'm not...interested in it
I'm not interested in having a thousand friends on facebook or knowing a ton of people
its not something I really care about and that probably inhibits me
but. there's still the fact that without it, I don't have any new roots to put down
Ravi: but you're complaining about it now?
or am i misunderstanding you
Mandi: I'm not complaining about it
'm saying there's a kind of catch 22 where I need to meet new people to build a new life but I don't have the ability or desire to do that
there's just something weirdly inorganic and kind of selfish to me about making friends with people for the point of needing them as a distraction
I know that sounds weird and is probably reductive in some sense
but I like things to just...happen. and when they don't, I don't have it in me to push it because that's when the doubt sets in.
postscript:
Mandi: btw, I posted that last bit of our convo to my blog
just because it was something I hadn't realized about myself until I started talking about it to you
and I wanted to keep it there for my own reference
if you want me to take it down though, I will
Ravi: i kind of felt like you were attacking me but you don't have to take it down
Mandi:no, I wasn't
honestly
I didn't even think of it that way
I was just kind of...marvelling at that difference
Ravi: like specifically this part: (excerpt part where I talk about my feelings of the lack of authenticity of forced friendships)
Mandi: I guess I can see the first part
but not the end of it
but that's not how I meant it
Ravi: like it sounds like you're implying that i do all those things for the purposes you stated
Mandi: no. nooo
I'm sorry
that's not what I meant at all
Ravi: i don't think you did, but when i reread it, that's how it comes off
to me anyway
Mandi: no I meant that for someone to whom making friends doens't come easily (me), pushing it feels inorganic and inauthentic
Ravi: how do you feel like i would forget you?
you're honestly the 1 person i talk to the most
Mandi: oh I guess I don't mean forget
but I will become less important to you over time
and part of that happening is establishing new relationships with people
a life that I'm not a part of
I don't say that bitterly
but it'll happen
and I think that's what I'm having trouble letting go of
the relationship, I've come to terms with a long time ago
but losing you in general, not being a part of your everyday life
that's quite another thing
and made all the harder because I don't have anything new yet
I have much more trouble meeting people and building new things
Ravii: but you put forth much less effort in doing so
i'm not criticizing you, just stating
Mandi: i put less effort into it because it makes me anxious
I'm not good at it
Ravi: i used to be the same way
probably worse
Mandi: but yet, you're not now
Ravi: and it still affects me now to a certain extent
you just have to work at it i guess
Mandi: but I have no idea how to
and, honestly, I'm not...interested in it
I'm not interested in having a thousand friends on facebook or knowing a ton of people
its not something I really care about and that probably inhibits me
but. there's still the fact that without it, I don't have any new roots to put down
Ravi: but you're complaining about it now?
or am i misunderstanding you
Mandi: I'm not complaining about it
'm saying there's a kind of catch 22 where I need to meet new people to build a new life but I don't have the ability or desire to do that
there's just something weirdly inorganic and kind of selfish to me about making friends with people for the point of needing them as a distraction
I know that sounds weird and is probably reductive in some sense
but I like things to just...happen. and when they don't, I don't have it in me to push it because that's when the doubt sets in.
postscript:
Mandi: btw, I posted that last bit of our convo to my blog
just because it was something I hadn't realized about myself until I started talking about it to you
and I wanted to keep it there for my own reference
if you want me to take it down though, I will
Ravi: i kind of felt like you were attacking me but you don't have to take it down
Mandi:no, I wasn't
honestly
I didn't even think of it that way
I was just kind of...marvelling at that difference
Ravi: like specifically this part: (excerpt part where I talk about my feelings of the lack of authenticity of forced friendships)
Mandi: I guess I can see the first part
but not the end of it
but that's not how I meant it
Ravi: like it sounds like you're implying that i do all those things for the purposes you stated
Mandi: no. nooo
I'm sorry
that's not what I meant at all
Ravi: i don't think you did, but when i reread it, that's how it comes off
to me anyway
Mandi: no I meant that for someone to whom making friends doens't come easily (me), pushing it feels inorganic and inauthentic
Monday, August 23, 2010
101 in 1001- July/August update
19) Read 1 unassigned book per month.
July '10- Ann Patchett Run
August '10- Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
-I'm working on the Munro and I finished the Patchett in July, so I'm counting it there. I thought Bel Canto was better than Run and Run was, in some ways, predictable. That said, it was still very engaging and I didn't want to put it down, despite some predictability, so I think that says something for it.
23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
D- Date Night (2010) (August 2010)
I- Inception (2010) (July 2010)
M- Men Who Stare At Goats (2009) (July 2010)
R- Raising Arizona (1987) (July 2010)
S- Storytelling (2001) (July 2010)
24) Learn 1 new word a week and use it.
I want to update this reflect that some of these might be words I "know" but either don't know the definition by heart or assign a different meaning to.
Words so far:
Peregrinate- travel or wander around from to place
Milquetoast- a person who is timid or submissive (I always want to use this as an adjective instead of a noun)
Lachrymose- tearful or given to weeping (I often associate this with morose, which can be confusing at times)
Vexillology- the study of flags (this doesn't strictly count under the "use it" part of this item, unless you count the conversation I had with Erin about it. But it is awesome.)
Assiduous- showing great care and perseverance (I am terrible with the definitions of "a" adjectives for some reason)
Reprobate- an unprincipled person
Stalwart- loyal, reliable, and hardworking (this is another one always think means something else--namely "boring" or "lazy")
28) See all of these Mindfuck movies.
The Game (1997) (July 2010)
49) Delete my Myspace, LinkedIn and OK Cupid profiles. (July 2010)
I did this the night I posted the list and I haven't looked back. On the other hand, I reactivated Twitter :p
52) Open a new bank account. (August 2010)
The day after I finally moved to New Orleans, I went to Capitol One and opened a new bank account. I've been very pleased so far. Customer service and communication have been fantastic, the website is easy to navigate and rewards checking is awesome.
75) Get a New Orleans library card. (August 2010)
I did this the same day I opened my bank account. I went to the Nix branch, which is within walking distance of me, but I think I'll probably use a bigger location for actual movies, as Nix seems to cater to a younger crowd. But it'd still be good for borrowing DVDs. And it's a very cozy little place.
85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
2010- Pitchfork
Full list here
July '10- Ann Patchett Run
August '10- Alice Munro Lives of Girls and Women
-I'm working on the Munro and I finished the Patchett in July, so I'm counting it there. I thought Bel Canto was better than Run and Run was, in some ways, predictable. That said, it was still very engaging and I didn't want to put it down, despite some predictability, so I think that says something for it.
23) See 26 movies I've never seen, starting with each letter of the alphabet.
24) Learn 1 new word a week and use it.
I want to update this reflect that some of these might be words I "know" but either don't know the definition by heart or assign a different meaning to.
Words so far:
Peregrinate- travel or wander around from to place
Milquetoast- a person who is timid or submissive (I always want to use this as an adjective instead of a noun)
Lachrymose- tearful or given to weeping (I often associate this with morose, which can be confusing at times)
Vexillology- the study of flags (this doesn't strictly count under the "use it" part of this item, unless you count the conversation I had with Erin about it. But it is awesome.)
Assiduous- showing great care and perseverance (I am terrible with the definitions of "a" adjectives for some reason)
Reprobate- an unprincipled person
Stalwart- loyal, reliable, and hardworking (this is another one always think means something else--namely "boring" or "lazy")
28) See all of these Mindfuck movies.
I did this the night I posted the list and I haven't looked back. On the other hand, I reactivated Twitter :p
The day after I finally moved to New Orleans, I went to Capitol One and opened a new bank account. I've been very pleased so far. Customer service and communication have been fantastic, the website is easy to navigate and rewards checking is awesome.
I did this the same day I opened my bank account. I went to the Nix branch, which is within walking distance of me, but I think I'll probably use a bigger location for actual movies, as Nix seems to cater to a younger crowd. But it'd still be good for borrowing DVDs. And it's a very cozy little place.
85) Attend at least 1 music festival a year.
2010- Pitchfork
Full list here
Sunday, August 22, 2010
sickly sweet
Yesterday, my parents came into town to bring me some furniture (including my much beloved writing desk). We wanted some lunch and ended up at Cafe Nino, which was fantastic. Except, the only things I've eaten in the last...three days? are pasta, whiskey and cookies. After that huge influx of sugar and carbs, I felt awful. I gave myself an injection as soon as I got home (something I had forgotten to do that morning, in trying to get my internet provider on the phone, clean up for my parents, etc.), but it didn't help much and I sat, dizzy and pale, on my couch while my mom kept asking me, "Are you okay?" I tried drinking some coffee, which only made it worse and I started getting tunnel vision. My mom asked, "What's WRONG? Like what feels the worse? Nausea? Headache?" but it's difficult to describe that kind of malaise, that feeling of knowing something is very wrong but not in any extreme sense...just enough to be debilitating. Walking down the hall felt like a 10 mile run. My kidneys began to ache. I tried to keep out of my dad's way, since his own mother died of diabetes-related complications and, though he never talks about it, I know my blood sugar issues deeply worry him.
I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.
This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.
I'm just tired of feeling bad.
I'm not careful enough about what I eat because I hate HAVING to be. I HATE it. I hate thinking that eating some pasta or white bread is going to make m sick like that, because my system is just unpredictable enough that it might. Sometimes the medicine works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes, I could eat a pint of ice cream and feel fine and other times, I eat a few cookies and I'm throwing up with a migraine. The obvious solution is to completely cut out "bad" foods like sweets, refined sugars, etc. but that's not only difficult, it's depressing. I know it sounds whiny and stupid, saying "I feel sick, but I don't want to give up these things!" but there it is. As ridiculous as it sounds, sometimes I eat foods out of spite, because it makes me angry that I'm not supposed to have them.
This is especially odd, considering that giving up the foods that make me sick would probably greatly assist in helping me lose weight, the object of my years-long obsession. But I still don't want to do it. I don't understand my own logic (or lack thereof) here either. I baffle myself. But there is a deep-seated emotional battle when it comes to weight and blood sugar for me. It's similar to the one I went through with depression (and, to some degree, still deal with) when I knew that certain pills could probably make me feel better but they also made me feel awful in a different way, so was it worth it to take them? In the end, I decided it was not and I learned to cope in different ways (this is not to negate the effects of those pills. I had one anti-depressant that worked very well for me and I would have continued on it, had not the elevated dosage made me so sick that I could not function). The difference here is that my depression wasn't going to directly kill me (though it certainly contributed to my eating disorder, which may have contributed to the blood sugar issues and/or, ironically, the depression could have been partly due to the PCOS, as depression is a symptom), but diabetes can. I'm not diabetic but I recognize the very high potential of becoming one. The PCOS that is part of/caused by my insulin resistance could cause me to become infertile. It's not something to take lightly or take revenge against.
I'm just tired of feeling bad.
Friday, August 20, 2010
read me the letter, baby/do not leave out the words
I really want to write an entry here but all I can think of are little fragments that don't work well together in paragraphs. So, here:
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
-The best advice I got today was "Be kind to yourself." Actually, that's the best advice I've gotten through this whole mess. It may sound silly, but I needed to hear it, to remember that it might not have been productive to spend two days reading on the couch, but it made my mind calm down.
-I got a wonderful, even tender, email today from a somewhat unlikely source and it made me feel a little less mixed up.
-LCA sent me a check for my first and last paychecks, but they paid out my first paycheck at the salary of my last one ($5.25 more an hour), which will certainly help with bills. I put aside rent and utilities and paid bills out of it. I'm still sitting on that $900 nest egg until I have to get my car fixed, which is something I don't even feel like thinking about or dealing with.
-I'm nervous about school starting. I need to go to Tulane and find my classes. I need to hear something back about a loan or figure out what the next step is. They keep putting me off on the phone. I think I'll just go there on Monday. However, academically, I have some hope because the professor for one of the more difficult classes I'm taking has sent out a reminder for the reading assignment three times, which makes me feel like this might be easier/more supported than I had imagined. On the other hand--three times? If people can't do the reading assignment, perhaps they need not be in grad school. Ho hum.
-I keep reading the final scene between Catherine and Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. I used to hate Heathcliff and think he was nothing but an egocentric asshole, but this more recent reading has been pretty beneficial and more heartwrenching.
-I still don't have a job but I *think* I have an interview for Tuesday and a couple of slim but existing leads.
-I'm going to a party/show tonight and I, strangely, don't feel that buzzing nervousness that I normally feel when I'll be around Ravi's friends.
-In that vein, I've noticed I've become, in some ways, less concerned with the opinions of others lately. I got rid of some shitty people in my life and some others who, while not totally shitty, weren't really what I was looking for in friends. I told a few people off who told me I needed, basically, to "stick my [my] man" and give up my dreams. I wholeheartedly invite those people to go fuck themselves. I am more able to laugh at myself when I do socially silly things and I feel more comfortable, in general, around people I'm not used to deriving comfort from. I told someone something that normally would have been cripplingly embarrassing and I felt better after I did. I am more at ease with myself and I think that has a lot to do with being forced to be alone again for awhile. It was a nice lesson to (re)learn.
-I have lost upwards of 15 pounds. This was, briefly, an issue because I reached a point where eating anything felt like a concession to having to eat, which is some old ED-logic. Then I was so stressed that food made me sick. And now, I am taking my medication and walking a lot more and eating with an eye toward my budget (which means generally eating toast and coffee for breakfast and a late lunch/early dinner, usually of soup). I feel better.
-To end this on a silly note and to tie those last two together, here is a story. There is a guy who hangs out at the Rue. The first day I saw him, he asked me to watch his stuff three separate times, while he smoked, went to the bathroom, and smoked again. He kept trying to make small talk, but I had headphones in and wasn't into it. At one point, he asked me if I knew of anyone hiring and I may have given him a derisive look. I saw him again another day and he smiled and waved. I did the same but went back to my job search. Today, as I was walking to Rue, I passed him going the opposite direction on his bike. He braked and said hello and I waved and continued on my way. Then I looked down and realized that my pants, which have become too big for me, had slid down to expose a fairly large swatch of my hot pink panties.
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